fridays with veronica

Veronica’s Oscar Picks

Veronica is my nefarious Tarot reading twin. At night she slinks through the streets under the cover of darkness, hunting for young, unsuspecting man-meat. By daylight she naps, writes filth and eats bon bons. But on Fridays, she reads Tarot – for you, right here…

Rider Waite Tarot

The Hermit has hobbled into your life today to tell you one thing and one thing only….

“Be a trailblazer and decide for yourself what’s good. Don’t rely on others to tell you. They have terrible taste.”

So the Oscars happened last week. Or was it the week before? I don’t know because I didn’t watch…I’m way too cool for stuff like that.

But do you notice how year after year awards are dished out to depressing films about being miserable?

Yeah. Avoid that shit.

That’s why I’m giving you my list of Oscar picks. These films were never actually nominated for an Oscar. But they should have been. And would have been if this were a sane world…

Showgirls

One of the campiest, most memorable movies to come out of the 90’s was Showgirls. If you haven’t seen it yet, you’re missing out. Of course those stuffed shirt critics panned it, but what do they know? Nothing.

https://youtu.be/yCeCGcGAcfI

Basic Instinct

This is your classic 90’s femme fatale movie starring Michael Douglas as a helpless man victim. Women in 90’s movies were always taking advantage of Michael Douglas for some reason.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark

This movie is a classic! I remember making my babysitter watch this one probably 50 times. Sadly, at that time I didn’t realize this movie was a comedy. I thought it was a horror movie. Oh to be seven years old again!

 

Haunting Desires

You probably haven’t heard of this little known art-house film. It’s about a strip bar run by vampires and a perverted homicide detective who dresses like Dick Tracy. I bought the DVD at my friend’s garage sale and have since given it to my other friend as a wedding gift. I kind of got the vibe that this film was shot with one of those home movie camera’s that annoying dads carried around in the late 80’s. But it only ups the camp.

 

Any of the 10 Step Up movies

I didn’t realize there were so many Step Up movies until last week when I was day-drunk, scrolling through Netflix. My favorite part about these movies is that they don’t make you think. You can get up for a pee and not worry about pressing pause. You can eat popcorn and it doesn’t matter if the crunch crunch sound drowns out the “dialogue”. A masterpiece indeed…

 

So now I want to know…

what are your favorite movies of all time (that no one else liked)?

Veronica’s Oscar Picks Read More »

3 Grade A Ways to Chill Out

Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that will change your life! Tarot Reader by day, martini swiller by night, this domineering vixen is here for one reason….to tell you how to live your life.

Housewives Tarot

Your TV is like an electronic dictator in your own home that distracts and brainwashes you…worse than organized religion and the education system combined!

If you got rid of your TV you would be more creative, free and blissful. Trust me.

But you’re used to TV. You’ve always had one blaring in the background of your life. It’s become a creature comfort, a beacon of familiarity.

Without TV, how can you properly “veg out”? What will you snuggle up to after a long day of smiling and pretending to care?

As a proponent of the leisure and pleasure filled lifestyle, I understand your concern. It’s a valid one. So here are my top 3 TV alternatives for chilling out:

  1. Stick those glow in the dark stars all over your ceiling and lie in a sleeping bag on your floor and stare at them. Booze helps.

2. Set up a hammock in your living room and put on some Reggae. Weed helps.

3. Curl up on the couch with a heating pad and something smutty on your Kindle. Hot chocolate helps.

Okay, now I’m off to watch some shit on Netflix.

Oh shut up. It’s Netflix, not TV. It doesn’t even count!

3 Grade A Ways to Chill Out Read More »

It’s time to reinvent yourself…so listen up!

Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that will change your life! Tarot Reader by day, erotic fiction writer by night, this domineering vixen is here for one reason….to tell you how to live your life.

Universal Waite Tarot

Do you know someone who is always reinventing themselves?

One minute they’re a total asshole, next minute they’re all into yoga and recycling? But still an asshole.

Or maybe you’ve had the experience of being all like “I love gardening, animals and crafting” but six months later you’re like “fuck that. Now I’m into tanning beds, slot machines and Tinder.”

We’re fickle bitches and we change like the seasons. And that is A-Okay.

You’re a spiritual being here for an experience and you can’t experience much if you just do the same old crap day in, day out.

Sometimes your regular hobbies, routines, social life and job can feel like old, worn out, unhip clothes. Time for a new wardrobe!

This weekend, do something out of character. Do something fresh, something unexpected. If you normally go to art galleries and museums, hit up the casino! If you usually get drunk and watch porn, bake bran muffins and read some poetry.

But most importantly….have fun!

It’s time to reinvent yourself…so listen up! Read More »

Want success? Indulge your evil side…

Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that’s perfect for lazy winter afternoons. Let’s see what terrible advice she has for you today…

the-chariot-tarot-card-meaning
Rider Waite Tarot

North American culture is obsessed with goal setting and achieving shit, which is what The Chariot represents – moving forward, upward and onward. Yay!

There’s just one tiny problem: what happens if only part of you wants success but another part longs for pure sloth and debauchery?

My good twin Kate sets her alarm for 8am every morning. But when it goes off, I am seduced by the siren song of my warm, comfy bed that whispers “noooo….staaaayyyyyy! Just 5 min…” which turn into two hours and then the day’s pretty much shot.

Part of you wants to eat healthy but the other part wants red wine, cheese, chips and chocolate. Part of you wants to save for retirement but the other part wants to go on lavish vacations and buy fancy chai lattes everyday.

Unless you can get both selves on board, you’re pretty much fucked and will go nowhere in life.

So how do you do this? Easy. Don’t deny you’re “evil” side – tempt it.

Tell yourself things like if I get up at 8am and go for a run and eat healthy all week, I get to lay in bed all day on Saturday and eat cookies for breakfast…guilt free.

OR

If I work hard today and get all my tasks done, I will indulge in a feisty gossip sesh with a friend in the evening.

There’s no use trying to be perfect….so just give up now!

Want success? Indulge your evil side… Read More »

Veronica’s tip for making resolutions stick

Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that’s perfect for lazy winter afternoons. While some people are helping the homeless this holiday season, Veronica is buying herself sex toys and eating caramels for breakfast…can you believe it?!

Linestrider Tarot

So it’s New Year’s eve eve today and you’re probably thinking up some ridiculously un-fun resolutions.

Like losing weight, saving money or being less slutty.

Don’t. Just don’t.

Instead, make a resolution to meet your inner alter ego and buy my new workbook Your Alter Ego Revealed!

If that’s not a dead-sexy New Years resolution, then I don’t know what is!

But here’s the thing with resolutions: don’t resolve to do something that you don’t actually want to do.

Too many twits make resolutions because they want the results of those resolutions.

Like getting up at 6am every morning to run five miles and drink a kale smoothie. Sure, you might look slightly hotter after a year of doing this, but you will also have just spent a year getting up at 6am to do unpleasant things.

Make the journey as pleasurable as the destination and you’ll be cooking with gas!

Okay, so that said, here’s my 2017 resolutions…

  1. Make time to nap every day. Every single day.
  2. Drink more red wine (for the antioxidants, obviously).
  3. Spend less time on celebrity gossip sites and more time painting scandalous ladies!

What are YOUR 2017 resolutions? Tell me now……

Veronica’s tip for making resolutions stick Read More »

Spending Christmas alone? I envy you.

Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that’s perfect for lazy winter afternoons.

The Housewives Tarot

Christmas is upon us… so batten down the hatches and pour yourself a stiff one!

For some this is a time of giving, generosity and helping the needy.

For others it’s a time of buying oneself lavish gifts and rolling around naked in a sea of bubble wrap. Or maybe that’s just me?

But for most people, this holiday is about boring visits with in-laws and distant relatives you don’t give a shit about. Well, at least you can get drunk.

A few years ago I spent Christmas alone. I slept in, ate a box of chocolate seashells for breakfast, watched 21 Jump Street and did go-go dance aerobics dvds. It was the perfect day.

So if you’re spending Christmas alone this weekend, don’t fall prey to all those sappy do-gooders who invite you to their Christmas dinner out of pity. Bleh! You know what to do…

Spending Christmas alone? I envy you. Read More »

Cheap thrills or Highbrow boredom?

veronica 2

Happy Friday! My evil, Tarot reading twin Veronica is here to tell you how to live your life. Seductress by night, Lady of Leisure by day, Veronica’s loves include gossiping about other people, judging other people, daytime drinking and sorting the recycling ALL WRONG!!!! Let’s see what advice she has for us today….

The Linestrider Tarot

by Siolo Thompson

Decisions, decisions! That is what the Two of Swords is all about.

Should you lay in your hammock and read War and Peace or some trashy Jackie Collins novel?

Do you make fillet mignon for dinner or eat a bag of chips and a Bloody Mary?

Will you watch The English Patient tonight or The Bachelorette?

Should you hump your banker or the pool boy? Or both?!

Sometimes it’s nice to take the path of least resistance. Great conversations, quality food and well written literature don’t always hit the spot.

Once in a while you need to slum it and consume some trash! So before you run off to read some boring Pulitzer prize winning novel “make love” to a scientist or something lame, make sure you ask yourself “is this really what I want right now?”

….your answer may disgust you!

Cheap thrills or Highbrow boredom? Read More »

Start wasting people’s time!

veronica 2

Tsk, tsk! My evil alter ego Veronica has slept in again and is only getting around to writing this NOW – at noon on a friday! This better be good….

four of pents
The Linestrider Tarot by Siolo Thompson

Time is precious – especially yours. Yet corporations, governments and individual assholes constantly waste it.

I’m talking about complicated recycling rules, being put on hold and having to select bullshit options from a confusing robotic telephone menu, spam emails and of course…..telemarketers and scam callers.

The time has come to take back your power and start fucking with the system. Next time a telemarketer calls you, keep them on the line. Ask inane questions, pretend to be fascinated and if they sounds sexy, flirt a little – just see where it goes.

If a company pisses you off and wastes your time DO NOT get all huffy and threaten to withdraw your business – that’s classic whiny bitch stuff that doesn’t scare anyone. Remain a kind, polite client but become needy. Start asking for discounts and special perks – relax and have fun with it and see what happens.

If someone starts wasting your time but you turn it around and start wasting theirs, do you somehow get back your own precious time that’s been wasted? No. But you’ll be having way more fun!

And time spent enjoying oneself in nefarious ways is time well spent, indeed!

Here’s a great video that inspired me to write this post:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QdPW8JrYzQ

 

 

 

Start wasting people’s time! Read More »

“Transformation” is so 2012… but Death is forever cool!

VeronicaVeronica is my evil tarot reading twin. Each friday she graces us with her presence and offers up her best advice.

hezicos-tarot-death

Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin

Everyone wants “transformation”!

If you’ve ever been to a life coach’s website or even a new agey site, you will see the word “transformation” splattered all over it, like seagull crap on a pier.

But what IS “transformation”? Simple answer: DEATH!

Oh, so you want to “transform” your life? No, you want your old self to die off.

Do you want to “transform” your thinking? No, you want to murder your negative thoughts.

So why does everyone go around saying “blah blah blah, transformational, blah blah, bullshit, bullshit, blab”?

Because Death is the low effort option, whereas Transformation sounds like a lot of exhausting, hard work, which most average dumbfucks looooove. Or at least love to talk about.

So this weekend, ask yourself: “what old habits would l like to lay to rest?”

OR “what part of my life would l like to have a mini funeral for?”

OR “what aspects of myself would l like to violently shank to death and then forcibly reincarnate as something entirely different?” oh, wait, that sounds more like “transformation”. Nevermind!

“Transformation” is so 2012… but Death is forever cool! Read More »

Being “nice”: the biggest sin of all

veronica 2

International Woman of Leisure by day, whipcracking Dominatrix by night! Veronica is my evil twin and she took a quick break from eating bon bons to write you this tidbit of tasty advice. So listen up and take notes!

Fairytale Tarot by Karen Mahony
Fairytale Tarot by Karen Mahony

Everyone loves a demanding bitch and don’t let any mamsy pamsy, pastel sweater wearer tell you otherwise.

Deluded people everywhere will say they just want to find a nice man or woman, but they don’t. They secretly long for a demanding jerk who will tell them what’s what.

Never underestimate the allure of a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask, or better yet demand!

Possibly the most heartbreaking moment in my entire life was when someone wrote “I think you’re really nice” on a farewell card for me. I was crushed. Where had I gone wrong?

So if you’re they type of person who doesn’t say anything when your in a restaurant and there’s a window open and it’s blowing a freezing cold breeze on your dainty toes…start speaking up and bitching about it.

If you’re the type of person who says “I’m good with whatever you want to do,” for fucksakes, STOP IT!!!! No one likes a wishy washy opinionless twat.

This weekend, say what you want. Bitch about something. Demand something. Have an opinion. And then sit back and watch as hot men everywhere fall at your feet.

Being “nice”: the biggest sin of all Read More »

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