April 2016

Cooking for one….is not a f**king tragedy

12 Comments / April 2016, Veronica Noir / /

Veronica

Veronica Noir is one of the world’s greatest Tarot readers…and she is also my evil twinsies! She is single, diabolical and on fire – travelling the world reading Tarot, seducing young men and running naked on the beach! Let’s see what advice she has today…

the sun
Dame Darcy Mermaid Tarot

You know what I’m tired of?

Hearing people, I mean women, say things like “Oh, it’s just me so I don’t really bother cooking a proper meal or anything”

Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you have to eat gruel and tears in a dark corner while the happily paired eat grilled salmon and asparagus tips with wine.

Don’t think you can just act like YOU aren’t worth cooking for.

Time alone needs to be celebrated! Because time alone is time free of dumbfucks and inane chitty chatty bullshit.

The Sun is about joy and celebrating life – wherever you happen to find yourself.

Don’t wait for that “special someone” to show up so you can finally make yourself a decent, god damn meal. Do it NOW! And do it with flair and style…like I, Veronica would 😉

 

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How to Nix the Little Dictators in Your Life

7 Comments / April 2016, Veronica Noir / /

Veronica

Veronica is my bad, Tarot reading twin. So bad in fact that she totally dropped the ball and forgot to write today’s blog post! So I’m recycling one of her older posts, but one of my faves. I hope you’ll find it in your heart to forgive her…..

hierophant

Housewives Tarot

No, I’m not talking about your children, as the title might suggest. So don’t get all excited.

I’m talking about the MEDIA!

Media – TV, radio, movies, ads and other stupid shit – all dictate what you should be focusing your attention on.

Magazines dictate what you should be worried about
CELLULITE!

The Internet dictates what you should want
.A FUCKING VITAMIX, ALREADY!

The News tells you who you should be afraid of
.TERRORISTS!

And worst of all, movies dictate what constitutes “sexy”
.MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY?! I beg to differ.

But YOU get to dictate how much you engage with the Media shit show.

The most rebellious thing you can do this weekend is switch off the media dictators in your life.

So don’t just spend your Saturday vegging out on the couch watching shows on Netflix again, okay? Unless of course that show is Spartacus. Then it doesn’t count.

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Laziness rarely leads to genocide

2 Comments / April 2016, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2Veronica is my nefarious Tarot reading twin who takes over my blog on Friday’s. She loves to write smut, travel the world and indulge in topless suntanning in inappropriate places. Today she is taking a moment out of her hectic schedule of massages, lunches and napping to write you this reading….

9 of pents
Morgan Greer Tarot

If you ever needed a good reason to be lazy, let me give you one.

All the world’s wars, genocides, atrocities, scientific horrors and environmental disasters are the result of over ambitious go getters who just couldn’t sit still and enjoy a fucking sunset.

And yet these industrious busy bodies get all the praise and ego stroking. Give me a break!

If the dipshit who built the atom bomb had thought “hmm….I think I’ll just lie in this hammock and listen to the birds” instead of getting all sciencey, we’d be living in a very different world.

Boring people say “oh, it’s greed that’s the underlying problem!” but they’re wrong, as usual. It’s the failure to enjoy being lazy that has got us into so much trouble.

What does this mean for you?

Don’t spend this weekend whizzing around doing stuff. Just chill. Sit in a bean bag chair and read dirty romance novels, stare at the clouds for hours or hang out on the deck and watch bugs – these are all high quality lazy activities that will enrich your life….and won’t destroy the planet.

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Spring has sprung…have you?

6 Comments / April 2016, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2Veronica is my debaucherous alter ego who is just like me only better. She thinks cats are better than kids, wine is better than water and naps are better than…well, everything!

the fool
The Fairytale Tarot by Karen Mahony

Spring is finally here! Tis the season for gardening, colon cleanses and all round zestyness!

Are there exciting new things on the horizon? No, probably not, but there is a renewed sense of excitement about the usual routine.

The Fool is about starting out fresh and travelling lightly. Unload all that crap you got for Christmas, give away your old clothes that totally suck now that a year has passed and revel in the feeling of …..less crap.

Dance freely in your living room to Tom Jones, skip like a lunatic through your neighborhood streets and roll around in dandelion patches.

Lame people will say “Spring is a time for re-evaluating goals…blah, blah”. Meh! Ignore that. Spring is a time for listening to the birds who have very special songs just for you if you’d put down your shitty iphone for five seconds and listen. Do it!

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What Happened to Lunch?!

6 Comments / April 2016, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2Veronica is my sexy, evil, witty Tarot reading twin sister and she is here to shake up your world and give you advice….real advice. The kind of advice that if followed, will make everyone hate you (and envy you). So hold onto your hat and let’s see what she has to say about the Ace of Cups…

ace of cups 2
Robin Wood Tarot

Have you ever been excited to have lunch with a friend you haven’t seen in ages only to find out that she can only meet for one hour and doesn’t eat carbs anymore?

Ugh. Why do these people exist?

Lunches were meant for leisure, decandence and juicy gossip, not rushed affairs during which salads and water are consumed between soul numbing small talk. Fuck!

The refusal to enjoy a leisurely lunch is sick, unhealthy and deranged and it reflects our society’s obsession with the wrong things in life – getting things done, being responsible and not enjoying oneself.

The 30 min low fat, non-alcoholic lunch is the modern day hair shirt.

You need to rail against this social injustice immediately….invite a good friend to lunch and plan on spending a couple hours sipping wine, savoring your meal and indulging in dessert and cafe au lait afterwards.

Sit in the sun, flirt with the waiter and if your uptight friend insists on doing something horrid like rushing back to work, simply whip out an erotic novella to keep you company while you let that creme caramel melt in your mouth. Oh yeah.

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