Veronica Noir

Veronica’s Holiday Gift Guide (For Adventurous Gifters Only)

Meet my evil, Tarot reading twin Veronica! There’s nothing she hates more than giving to others…unless it’s a weird, creepy, totally inappropriate gift. Whether your unemployed and totally broke or part of the .001% and looking for new, inventive ways to blow your money, Veronica’s got you covered!

WARNING! The following post is written by Veronica Noir, my evil twin. While I’m all love, light and classiness, Veronica is the exact opposite. You’ve been warned.

It’s that time of year again. The time when we’re supposed to pretend to like giving to others. But let’s be honest. You don’t want to blow your hard earned cash on unappreciative people whose mindless chatterings bore you to tears. Aaaand you probably don’t want to get your best friend another boring scented candle again, right?

Good news! I’ve got your back. Here are my hottest go-to holiday gift ideas, most of which will cost you $0, perfect for all the different time vampires in your life…

Your Best Friend

Gift: Homemade Bath Salts

Cost: almost free

Tools needed: 1 – 2 cups epsom salts, essential oils, jar

Best friends are tricky to buy for – you want to get them something nice but you don’t want to spend any money on them, so here’s a gift that lets you indulge both your generous and cheap side.

Naturally scented bath salts are luxurious, healing, rejuvenating….and easy as fuck to throw together at the last minute!

How to: Find a decent looking jar, set aside. Mix 1 or 2 cups of epsom salts with a few drops of essential oil. If your lazy, just do lavender. If you’re a real type A, go-getter, mix lavender with something else, like sage or rosemary. Put scented salts in jar and maybe stick a bow on it or something.

Option B – Celebrity Bath Salts!

If your best friend has a sense of humour, or if you think just bath salts isn’t enough, then you can add a quirky twist by inserting a photo of a celebrity into the salt jar. Let me explain.

Last year I gave a very lucky friend of mine Vin Diesel bath salts. I cut out a large photo of Vin Diesel’s head that I found in an old People magazine, scotch taped it into the inside of an old mustard jar and then filled it with the scented salt. It was a hit!

Your Co-worker

Gift: An autographed and framed photo of their celebrity crush!

Cost: Free!

Tools needed: picture of a celebrity, picture frame, pen

Co-workers are so weird to buy gifts for. You see them all the time so you kind of hate them, but you also want to make them smile sometimes. Well, this is how…

Learn who your co-worker’s celeb crush is. If they won’t divulge, assume it’s David Hasselhof.

How to: Get on the internet and find a photo of that celeb. Print it off. Write a very personal message on the photo, like “To (insert co-workers name here), my #1 fan!” and autograph it. Put the signed photo in a shitty dollar store frame and wrap it up!

Not only will they be surprised, they will LOVE it and display it on their work desk with pride! Trust me.

Secret Santa

Gift: An old paperback romance, with the dirty parts highlighted and bookmarked. Yes!

Cost: Free if you already have an old romance paperback kicking around somewhere.

Tools needed: old romance novel, highlighter and sticky tabs.

No need to waste time looking for the smutty parts!

No Christmas function would be complete without the requisite secret Santa gifting tradition. These are fun because you can get totally inappropriate gifts for people and no one will know it’s you.

When I used to work in an office, we played secret Santa at our Christmas party. The name I drew out of the hat was an uptight guy in his mid forties who I’d barely talked to. What was I supposed to get him? Luckily, I had a great idea.

I had dozens of old, mildew covered romance novels from the 1980’s sitting in a box in my crawl space. I went through each one, picking out the steamiest scenes, highlighting them with a florescent yellow marker and dog earring the pages.

When he opened the gift he was confused. So I enthusiastically explained that all the sex bits were highlighted for him so he didn’t have to waste time looking for them. We all had a good laugh!

I didn’t get fired for sexual harassment because it was 2003.

The casual acquaintance who bought you a gift last year and so now you have to buy her one. Fuck.

Gift: Homemade, Celeb themed Christmas tree decorations

Cost: $0

Tools needed: Old gossip mags, scissors, glue, glitter, string, cardboard, hole punch (optional).

First of all, these people are annoying. They love making themselves look good and others feel guilty and obligated. Fuck these people. Get them a gift that will leave them confused and weirded out – so weirded out that they decide to NOT get you a gift next year, thus breaking the cycle of obligation.

Some people will actually LOVE getting celebrity themed Christmas tree decorations (like your best bud or quirky co-worker), but the casual acquaintance who for some fucked up reason bought you a really expensive, thoughtful gift last year, won’t.

How to: slam a few glasses of wine and rifle through an old issue of US Weekly or People magazine, snipping out pics of random celebs as you go.

Get an old cardboard or cereal box and cut out Christmas tree ornament sized shapes, like stars, hearts and circles. Now fine tune your celeb pics so they fit nicely on the bits of cardboard. Glue or tape them on.

Now, cover the edges in glue and dip in glitter or paint with gold paint, to give them that holiday sparkle. Punch a hole in the top, put a string through and tie it.

BOOM! Holiday magic achieved!

Family Members

You know what? These jerks deserve some homemade celebrity x-mas decorations too!

This year my mom’s getting a Prince William decoration. Does she like the royals? No. She hates them. Too bad mom!

Nothing says festive like a smiling Royal!

For Your Self

Gift: Crystal Pleasure Wand

Cost: $170 – $325

For the most important person in your life, go balls to the wall overboard and spend a shitload on something splashy.

Don’t hold back. Your relationship with yourself is the one relationship you can never get out of, so don’t disappoint yourself this year.

Treat yourself to a crystal pleasure wand – it’s hands down the most magical, mystical dildo you will ever own.

Plastic sex toys are so 2010. You deserve the best. You deserve a solid amethyst phallus! Or rose quartz. Or obsidian. Whatever floats your sexy boat!

Chakrubs is the place to go for high quality crystal pleasure tools – all their products are ethically sourced and are of outstanding quality. There’s lots of poor quality crystal dongs flying around the market, so don’t be bamboozled by the cheaper knockoffs out there.
(I love this company so much I’m an affiliate! Use code TAROT10 to get 10% off your order!)

For your Lover

Gift: Homemade Crotchless Panties

Cost: Free!

Tools needed: scissors, an old pair of undies.

For the second most important person in your life, don’t hold back. Go big. Go wild. Go homemade. Make them a pair of handcrafted, artisanal crotchless panties!

After you blow your wad (of cash!) on a crystal wand for yourself, you’ll probably want to cheap out on this one. And that’s okay. Your lover will appreciate your ability to combine thrift with sensual creativity.

How to: rifle through your lover’s underwear drawer when they’re not home and select their favorite pair. God, they’re going to love this! Now, snip out the crotch part with a pair of scissors. Voila!

Now Get Crafting!

Well, I’ve given you plenty of creative ideas for some spectacular (and thrifty) homemade gifts this year. You’re welcome.

You’re friends, frenemies, lovers, coworkers and family won’t know what got into you this year! Make x-mas 2020 a holiday to remember ♥

xoxo
Veronica Noir

Is the “REAL Thing” Really Better?

Meet my evil, Tarot reading twin Veronica! Feeling lost? In need of some good advice? Well, you’ve come to the wrong place. Veronica loves nothing more than telling other people how to live (and ruin) their lives in spectacular fashion. So take her advice. If you dare…

When I was four years old, I used to cut out images of jewelry from jewelry ads in old Vogue magazines and then scotch tape them to my body before venturing out with my mother.

I remember smugly thinking why would anyone be stupid enough to waste money buying real jewelry when they can just cut out pictures of jewelry and stick it on?

To my four year old brain, pictures of jewels were just as satisfying as real, physical jewels.

And this is where The Magician comes in! He’s all about illusion, trickery and seduction. And today he says “if you can’t have the REAL thing, maybe there’s a substitute that is actually way more fun.”

For example, have you ever attended an orgy on Zoom? It’s not as terrifying as an in-person orgy, you can’t catch anything, there’s no BO and it’s easier to leave! Win, win, win, win.

So sidle up to your old mags with a pair of snippers, cut out the best diamonds you can find and adorn yourself from head to toe. Now you’re ready for the orgy.

Who said you can’t have fun during a pandemic?

Make Love to Life! (Veronica’s Advice)

3 Comments / November 2020, Veronica Noir / By Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / November 13, 2020

Today’s card is The Lovers, which is all about how you relate to your romantic partner, yourself and life itself!

But most importantly, this card is about PLEASURE! Yum.

Your capacity to experience pleasure is directly related to your capacity to engage with life. So if you’re not living a pleasure focused life, it’s time to change that – snippity snap!

Some people think that suffering and hard work lead to success and moral superiority. Those people are fucked.

Those same people probably the The Lovers card is all about finding a soul mate, or at least getting laid. But it isn’t.

The Lovers has popped up today to tell you that it’s high time you started making love – deep, passionate love – to life!

Smell something good today and when you do it, really let that beautiful fragrance penetrate your nose, your mind, your soul. Become one with it.

When you eat your next meal, don’t just stuff your face while you look at your phone, that’s tragic. Instead, let your taste buds worship the food like it’s a hot young gladiator (or whatever your into).

Go for a walk outside and feel the sun on your face, or nips, or whatevs. Notice how the breeze likes to get frisky with your hair, like a flirty nature spirit.

Become a Lover…of life! Don’t just shuffle through your day on autopilot – turn on and tune in. There’s a whole other dimension just waiting for you!

Mystery, Illusions and….Cellulite Cream

2 Comments / September 2020, Veronica Noir / By Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / September 25, 2020

*The Cook’s Tarot* by Judith Mackay Stirt

Things aren’t always what they seem. Illusions are everywhere!

I for one like to wear push up bras, lash extensions and deodorant. Now everyone thinks my B.O. smells like ylang ylang and vanilla! So mysterious.

The Moon tells us that we possess the ability to create illusions so that others see us how we’d like to be seen – whether it’s the perky breasted version of you or the blissfully happy, “so blessed” social media version of you.

Which is great!

But The Moon has a dark side (literally AND figuratively). While you fool everyone into thinking you have 4″ eyelashes, you are equally fooled by stuff.

Once I spent $80 on cellulite cream because I thought it would make me hotter than I already am. It didn’t work. I’m still just garden variety hot and not super hot. Oh well. At least my ass smells like vanilla caramel.

The Moon asks you – what illusions are you buying into? What illusions are you trying to create? And what’s the most you’ve ever spent on cellulite cream? I want to know…

The Tower: Disaster or Boner?

12 Comments / September 2020, Veronica Noir / By Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / September 18, 2020

The Tower represents sudden change that makes you question everything.

FINALLY!

Just when you start getting comfy, life reminds you that it’s uncertain and unpredictable. Fuuuuuck!

In the blink of an eye, your life can go from being a fairytale to a nightmare – or from being like a Hallmark Christmas movie to a hardcore porno.

I know which one I’d prefer 😉

So the question is…when the rug gets pulled out from under you, will you hop on it and go for a magic carpet ride?

How you answer this next question will determine your fate….

When you look at The Tower, do you see a crumbling building or an exploding phallus?

I prefer to see the glass half full, so I see a boner. And what is a boner if not a signpost pointing you in the direction of where you need to go?

Wait, that didn’t make sense.

The Tower symbolizes an ejaculating phallus which symbolizes a life force energy so powerful it cannot be contained within the confines of such a rigid construct, and that rigid construct is your life.

Wow, so much symbolism my head is spinning.

You were born to LIVE! You were born to colour OUTSIDE the lines! Enough with all these uptight plans, my dear. Time to spread your sexy wings and recreate your life from the ground up!

Joy is Like an STD

2 Comments / September 2020, Veronica Noir / By Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / September 11, 2020

Everyday Witch Tarot by Deborah Blake and Elisabeth Alba

Joy is like an STD…it’s contagious!

When you radiate giddy vibes, you effect everyone and everything that’s in your orbit. Lucky them!

From the bursting sun, to the bursting pregnant belly, to the bursting sunflowers, everything in this card seems to be squealing “weeeee! Here we go!”

The Sun is saying “the most rebellious thing you can do right now is allow joy to flow through you!”

But there’s lots of crap that gets in the way. Like the temptation to argue with someone in the comment section of a YouTube video, or the fact it’s laundry day and you need to vacuum.

Joy suckers are around every corner. But so what?

The Sun itself is no different – it gives us skin cancer and wrinkles, yet we need it for vitamin D or we die. Go figure!

So my point is, celebrate life this weekend – even the mundane and crappy aspects of it. Don’t wait for perfection to allow yourself the unfettered joy that is your birthright! Enjoy it NOW!

Also, as a side note, do you think The Sun kind of looks like an exploding ovary?

Is Free Time the New Taboo?

13 Comments / August 2020, Veronica Noir / By Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / August 28, 2020

Let’s face it – our society has a perpetual boner for busy-ness and “productivity”.

If you’ve ever heard the ridiculous saying “idle hands are the Devil’s plaything”, you know what I’m talkin’ about. The mainstream loves to demonize down-time.

Why? Because it gives us time and space to realize we’ve been had.

Are you busy? How busy? And most importantly….WHY?

Where is your frantic and repetitive activity taking you? Hopefully not in circles down the drain of existence.

The Eight of Pentacles asks you to take a long, hard, penetrative look at your busy-ness and find the why behind it.

If there’s passion and purpose to all your bustling, that’s wonderful! You’re on your way to sexy success! But if your just “keeping busy” because you fear the social consequences of becoming a full time navel gazer, have a seat and let Veronica talk some sense into you….

It used to be that premarital sex and banging thy neighbour’s wife (or husband) was the filthy taboo du jour, but now it’s enjoying an unstructured moment of goalless serenity that has the pearl clutchers tittering away.

Want to stand out in a crowd and truly shock people? Here’s my formula: the next time some tepid douche asks “keeping busy?” say “NO, not really” and enjoy the moment of awkwardness where they try to hide the fact that they’re harshly judging you. Good times!

Start Keeping Secrets

9 Comments / August 2020, Veronica Noir / By Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / August 14, 2020

It’s high time you stopped advertising your thoughts, feelings and future plans and start building a little bit of mystery around yourself…by shutting the fuck up!

The High Priestess tells you to be a little more secretive.

Don’t feel compelled to share every little detail about your weekend plans with the whole world. And not just because no one gives a shit. Because it makes you seem more interesting…and sexy.

Think about it. What you don’t reveal, others will wonder about. They may even project their own lurid ideas onto your blank spaces.

This weekend, be tight lipped about your plans to go grocery shopping and clean the mould out of your window sills. If you’re lucky, your co-workers will suspect you’re planning a spectacular orgy or something of that ilk.

Not everything about you needs to be known. Just reveal a few fascinating tid bits and stop there – don’t go all the way. Like a stripper that only takes off their shoes and gloves. Leave them thirsting for more!!!

Stop Thinking, Start Daydreaming

7 Comments / August 2020, Veronica Noir / By Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / August 7, 2020

One of the greatest tragedies of modern life is the dwindling art of daydreaming.

Boring technology and shitty media have hijacked our imaginations and we’ve forgotten how to daydream.

Instead we focus on work, work, work and setting stupid, pointless goals until we’re so exhausted we just want to tune out and go comatose in front of a screen.

Do you feel guilty whenever you aren’t “busy”?

Does the idea of doing NOTHING for a stretch of time give you the heebie jeebies?

Then you’re a victim of imagination hijacking and you need to reclaim your inner, mental landscape pronto!

This weekend, cancel all your plans and give up on all your dumb goals.

Make time for sacred emptiness – a stretch of unstructured time where you can just let your mind wander like a meandering loser who has nowhere to be.

Shut off your phone and resist the morbid temptation to stare mindlessly at a screen (unless it’s a window screen). Turn off the radio or your ipod or whatever the fuck you use to make noise. Just sit there. Let your mind go wherever it wants.

If you’re truly broken inside, your mind won’t know where to go. It might start counting things. Stay with it. Nurture the process, not the outcome. So what if your daydreaming leads nowhere?! 99% of my daydreaming doesn’t result in any grand ideas, either. Get over yourself.

The Four of Swords is telling you to stop thinking and start daydreaming. What’s the difference?

Thinking is when you’re trying to solve something. Daydreaming is when you just let your twisted little mind entertain you for an hour or two. It doesn’t sound like much but it’s a rebellious act of clawing back your creativity from the vulcan grip of The System and reclaiming ownership of your own visionary powers! Ahoy!

Stop Seeking Pleasure….and Start Finding It!

5 Comments / July 2020, Veronica Noir / By Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / July 31, 2020

Guess what? After a 2 year hiatus, My evil twin Veronica is baaaaack! And she has everything I don’t….copious cleavage, hordes of cute guys trailing after her and a hankering for day drinking. She’s here to ejaculate some sass and giggle into your day with her Tarot “wisdom” and terrible life advice.

Being a Hedonist is exhausting.

I for one am tired of endlessly seeking pleasure in a boots on the ground sort of fashion. I’m done!

At first being a Hedonist seems wonderful, until you realize your whole life revolves around desperately seeking pleasure – hunting for cupcakes and sunny verandas, hustling off to massage appointments and striving to hypnotize long-eyelashed, muscley man-boys into your brand new cult.

It’s enough to make a girl throw in the towel. The expertly warmed spa towel, that is.

So take a breath and stop chasing pleasure. Because that is when pleasure sneaks up on you… from behind… and bends you over and takes you to Pleasure Town!

Let me explain…

Last night I was lounging in my garden, reading a messed up book about cults, when suddenly I became panic stricken at the realization that I didn’t have any treats to eat later that night.

Then I said to myself “Veronica, you crazy ho, take a chill pill and enjoy the moment” and then I noticed how beautiful the grass looked as the low sun was about to set and how delicious the gentle Summer evening breeze felt as it caressed my skin in that semi-perverted way that nature always seems get away with.

Let the present moment penetrate you. There’s no need to break a sweat lumbering after pleasure – it’s right here for you and it always has been. You just need to open your eyes and spread-eagle your heart!