Veronica Noir

Save the World…by NOT Being an Assh*le!

Guess what? After a 2 year hiatus, My evil twin Veronica is baaaaack! And she has everything I don’t….copious cleavage, hordes of cute guys trailing after her and a hankering for day drinking. She’s here to ejaculate some sass and giggle into your day with her Tarot “wisdom” and terrible life advice.

Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin

If you think saving the planet involves doing a bunch of stuff, you’re wrong. As usual.

If you’re serious about making this world a better place and you’re not just in it for the endless virtue-signalling, circle jerk of social media, then listen up…

You don’t actually need to do anything.

Just DON’T be an asshole!

It’s that simple.

But don’t try to be nice. Don’t try to be a “good person” because then you’d be doing something and you’d probably just fuck it up.

The Four of Swords is telling you to DO LESS. And most importantly – THINK LESS. Not in a dumb sort of way but in a relaxing sort of way.

I know everyone tells you you’re supposed to shoot for the stars and bust through your blocks and be the best version of yourself, but…. the world is also full of assholes, so maybe there’s a correlation?

Do less. Want less. Be less. Fuck things up less.

Make that your mantra for the weekend and you’re good to go!

The Art of the Midnight Snack

Guess what? After a 2 year hiatus, My evil twin Veronica is baaaaack! And she has everything I don’t….copious cleavage, hordes of cute guys trailing after her and a hankering for day drinking. She’s here to ejaculate some sass and giggle into your day with her Tarot “wisdom” and terrible life advice.

Housewives Tarot

Late last night as I was arranging a tray of Sicilian olives, goat cheese, chutney and crackers, I thought to myself: I may not be the most successful person I know, but I sure have mastered the art of the Midnight Snack!

There’s nothing better than a furtive and sneaky unplanned snack while the dullards sleep.

People who hate life say things like “you shouldn’t eat after 9pm.” Fuck those people.

A Midnight Snack is a sacred and subversive act of indulgence – taken at the witching hour!

The Hermit says “celebrate yourself and revel in your alone time!” You can do this by soaking in a hot bath, slamming wine by candlelight – but that’s so cliche. Instead, try stuffing your face with culinary delights as the clock strikes twelve.

Sadly, so many of us have lost this fine art of crafting a truly satisfying and soul nourishing late night snickety snack. So here are some guidelines…

Veronica’s Guide to the Perfect Midnight Snack

1) Strike a balance between junky and wholesome, with a dash of fancy. Avoid crap like cheesies and pop. Instead, try potato chips dipped in 11% plain yogurt, paired with kombucha in a champagne glass.

2) Cheese

3) The best midnight snacks consist of different variations of carbs and fats. Think crackers and cheese, chips and full fat yogurt, focaccia and olive oil, croissant and cream cheese, you get the picture!

4) Avoid sugar, it will only keep you up. Think savoury.

5) Ignore #4 – make ice cream sandwiches with homemade cookies!

6) Pie

7) Leftovers are always good. I had a cold, Asian noodle and broccoli salad the other night while I stayed up late reading ghost stories. Yum!

*Tip: Arrange your sacred snack on a fancy plate. Maybe add some toothpicks for your cheese cubes. Garnish your plate with a sprig of fresh parsely or rosemary. Treat this snack as a mini celebration….of YOU!

In the comments below, tell me… what are YOUR favorite midnight snack combos?

Be Your Own Cult Leader! (Veronica’s Tarot advice)

Guess what? After a 2 year hiatus, My evil twin Veronica is baaaaack! And she has everything I don’t….copious cleavage, hordes of cute guys trailing after her and a hankering for day drinking. She’s here to ejaculate some sass and giggle into your day with her Tarot “wisdom” and terrible life advice.

Cosmic Tarot

Last night while my good twin Kate was doing yoga and drinking water and I was on the couch, slamming margaritas and yelling at the TV, I had an epiphany….

For the last few months the media has been telling me all kinds of important, need-to-know things. Like what I’m supposed to be afraid of, who I’m supposed to hate, what I’m supposed to be angry about and what I’m supposed to be worried about.

Which is all well and good, but…I wasn’t cut out to be cult member.

I’d rather be a cult leader. But I don’t want the responsibility.

Soooooo…..I’ve decided to start my very own, super exclusive cult, where I’m the only one whose allowed to join. Sorry guys.

Jealous? Don’t be. It’s high time you did the same.

The laser focused gaze of The Magician sees right through you and he sees your potential. He says “start your own cult….a cult of one – you!” 

Imagine being both the charismatic leader AND the sole follower. It’s like a weird form of masturbation, right? Love it!

First step: define your own version of utopia. If you don’t do it, mainstream society will do it for you and guess what? That utopia SUCKS!

Once you have a clear idea of the world you’d like to inhabit, you are one step closer to creating that world. It’s like vision boarding, but for cool people.

In the comments below, tell me 3 things that your utopia includes. (Mine includes tree houses, creative freedom and orgies. I don’t need much.)

The Art of Conversation 101

My evil twin Veronica is back. And she’s been attending Christmas parties, drinking to excess, judging people, shit-talking others and flirting inappropriately. Who better to give you some good, old fashioned Tarot advice?

Universal Waite Tarot Deck (U.S. Games Inc)

The other day I attended a Christmas party where I was subjected to multiple people talking endlessly about themselves.

During one of these “conversations” I smiled and nodded with feigned interest as this lady told me a detailed story about the NYC bus schedule when she lived there three years ago. And then about her last vacation and everything she did every moment of every single day. She went on, and on and on….

I waited patiently for my reward for all this suffering – a chance to finally talk about ME! But sadly, this chance never came.

The “conversations” that followed weren’t much better. I heard all about peoples  “6 figure” incomes, real estate investments, vacation plans, babies, grandchildren and allergies.

And this got me thinking….

I seem to possess the superhuman power of awareness that although my life is fascinating to me, it’s not as fascinating to others. Thus, I do not drone on insufferably about the minutiae of my life.

And guess what else?

I ask people questions about themselves. I pretend to give a shit. Sometimes I actually DO give a shit.

But from here on out…NO MORE! I’ve tallied up all the hours spent listening to people wax on about themselves. According to my calculations, I’ve spent over 40,000 hours humoring others. That’s almost 5 years straight of nodding and smiling.

So for the next 5 years (at least) I’m going to attempt to correct this imbalance by talking endlessly about myself every chance I get! Cats I like, hot guys that go to my gym, dirty books I’m reading, teen dramas I’m binging on Netflix – all things I can easily drone on about at my next party! Fuck, I can’t wait!

But I want to know…who are you in this story? The gifted conversationalist or the self-obsessed blabbermouth? (Don’t worry…there’s  no judgement here. Ya right!)

Side note: People who boast about making “6 figures” need to fuck off already. And people who ask “are you making 6 figures yet?” need to fuck off twice as hard.

F*ck those one-uppers!

Guess what? My evil twin Veronica is baaaaack! After a several month long “sabbatical” full of cocktails, weed, hot construction workers and hammock naps, she’s raring to get back in the saddle.

A classic one-upper! Six of Pentacles from the Druidcraft Tarot

The holiday season is upon us and it creates a lush environment for The One-Upper to thrive.

Whether it’s excessive gift-giving, over the top home made cookie tins or crafting illusions of extreme busyness, The One-Upper in your life is in their fucking element right now.

And if you usually wring your hands in despair at these expensive gift bearing sharks, listen up.

The best way to deal with The One-Upper is to take full advantage of them.

Enjoy their efforts. Thank them. Be sincere. But do not feel pressured to reciprocate or match the bizarre level of energy and enthusiasm of The One-Upper.

Sure, they’ll think you’re an asshole, but who cares?

You’ll both be getting what you need – they’ll get to reinforce their inner narrative that they’re the good one who tries extra hard and you’re the lazy fuck-up. And you’ll get to practice the zen art of being okay with others thinking you’re a grade A douche bag.

It frees you up!

And next year the bar will be lowered. They won’t have to try so hard to one-up you, serving store bought cookies and doling out $10 giftcards….

And the next year it will be even lower. Perhaps they won’t get you anything.

And WHAM! That’s when you buy them a massive gift basket or surprise them with a box of home made caramels and gold dusted truffles.

Let the instantaneous psychological breakdown commence!

Are you keeping secrets? You should be!

Veronica Noir is my evil Tarot reading twin. Man-eater by night, day drinker by day, Tarot reader on Fridays. She’s hear to ejaculate some spice and deviousness into your life!

high priestess
Housewives Tarot

Secrets are the spice of life! I love them. Nothing spruces up a boring party than hearing a delicious secret…or revealing one of your own!

People who say things like “secrets are toxic” or “secrets ruin relationships” don’t know the art of juicy living.

But don’t fret about those basic peeps – leave them to their ham sandwiches and polyester shirts, because you’ve got thrills to give and a life to live!

This Summer is all about secrets – and you can’t have secrets if you just behave yourself all the time 😉

So get out there and do things that need to be hidden, things you wouldn’t want just anyone knowing about. Before you know it you’ll be a beacon of mystery, living a life of scintillating drama and bliss!

Please note: Veronica is taking the rest of the Summer off and will return in September with renewed snark and sass.

Veronica needs you!

Veronica Noir is my evil Tarot reading twin. Man-eater by night, day drinker by day, Tarot reader on Fridays. She’s hear to ejaculate some spice and deviousness into your life!

the devil tarot card
Crystal Visions Tarot

I’m going to be straight up with you. I’m burnt out. I’m exhausted. I’m all out of bitchy things to say.

Today I drew a card and all I could think was I need a fucking nap.

So I’m going to turn it over to you, Tarot reading star!

When you look at The Devil, what do you see? What advice do you have for me…and for anyone else reading this post?

Please share your advice in the comments below!

What your underwear says about you…

Today my slutty, evil twin Veronica decided she didn’t want to draw a Tarot card. And why would she when she can read your fortune just by looking at your panties?

I don’t need my Tarot cards to read your fortune. I just need to take a look at your undies!

Did you know that your underwear is a 100% accurate predictor of your personality traits and deep psychological wounds?

It’s okay, most people don’t.

Take a look at your underpants. Here’s what they mean:

If your undies are…

A) Large, cotton and “meh” coloured.
Meh = white, off-white, cream, taupe or beige.

This means your practical, down to earth and know how to get things done. You’re not one to mince words and waste time. You also don’t give a flying f*ck what people thing of you. Congrats!

But there’s a dark side to you. You shun risk and excitement and avoid passion and adventure. You claim to love your stable and predictable life but part of you yearns to feel alive, to experience life in full color!

You can start by adding more color and texture to your undie drawer.

B) Old, worn out, shot elastic, holes, skidmarks and/or period stains.

You are loyal, committed and in it for the long haul. You aren’t one to quit a job just because it totally sucks or abandon your significant other just because they pile on the pounds. Which makes you a good person. Sort of.

Letting go is difficult for you. Your closets are stuffed with crap you no longer need or use. You hold onto jobs, relationships and situations for waaaay longer than you should. Let go already!

You can start by throwing your old panties in the garbage. NO, DON’T USE THEM FOR RAGS. GET RID OF THEM!

C) A lacy G-string, thong or some other weird contraption that is horridly uncomfortable.

You have no problems sacrificing your own personal comfort for a greater cause…even if that “cause” is no panty lines.

You’re one of those people who simply won’t admit when your uncomfortable. It’s not that you want to avoid complaining, it’s that you don’t sense discomfort as a problem, it’s just a normal way of life for you. Which is dark. So dark.

You put other people’s pleasure above your own – so much so that you have forgotten what actually pleases you. You need to pick that thong out of your crack and get back…get back your sense of self entitlement!

D) Fresh, pretty and sexy (in other words, none of the above choices).

You are a well adjusted human being. You enjoy pleasure and treating yourself to nice things. You also like to feel attractive, but not at the expense of your own comfort. You’re practical and smart but you don’t let that stop you from living on the wild side every now and then.

In other words, you can enjoy a martini Sunday (that’s when you drink martinis all day on a Sunday) and still show up for work on Monday looking spiffy! You can say NO to attending boring baby showers and YES to a last minute jaunt to Vegas. You eat melted Boursin on linguini but also enjoy kickboxing and indoor rock climbing.

Congratulations, you’re the least dysfunctional of the bunch!

So, I’m curious, which underpant category did you fall into??? Tell me in the comments below…

Be Reckless Today!

veronica 2

Veronica is my evil, Tarot reading twin. When she’s not writing for this blog, she’s out boozing and cruising for sweet young things and tapping out smut on her laptop! Oh, and she doesn’t give two shits about spelling things correctly, so don’t go emailing her about how she shouldn’t start a sentence with “and” or “but”….

knight of pents

Crystal Visions Tarot

The Knight of Pentacles is an incredibly practical man. He thinks things through.

But he’s also a boring, constipated, stuffed shirt who has no idea how to enjoy himself or move forward with his life.

The message he brings you is this….

“How are you being overly cautious in your life?”

There is nothing wrong with taking your time to think things through.

But overly planning things and being extra careful only work if we’re talking about birth control. Otherwise, it just sucks the magic out of daily life!

And here’s the thing – you were born naturally spontaneous and trusting in life. But then jerkoffs like your parents and evil robot school teachers instilled doubt in you by saying stuff like “without math 12 you will go nowhere!” and “you need to start saving for retirement now if you want to retire by age 80.”

Suddenly the world is a terrifying and cruel place, designed to break you and cause you misery.

Now I got off on a tangent…but what I want to tell you is that’s crap – pure and simple. The world is full of wonderful things – just think how many shrimp cocktails, cute boys and kitten videos exist right now.

I know, right?!

2 steps to creating more “me time”

My evil twin Veronica is here to give you a Tarot reading. Only one card though, this bitch is busy….

Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin

Right now I’m obsessed with creating space.

I’ve been clearing clutter, chucking shit out and making more room for….empty space!

And I’m not just clearing physical clutter, I’m clearing time clutter.

You know what I mean.

What eats up most of your time? Is it your career, your family, your sexually insatiable boy toy? Checking email? Waxing your crack? Looking at your FUCKING PHONE?

Before you turf anything (or anyone!), consult my handy dandy checklist:

  1. How much pleasure does this bring me? (On a scale of 1-10)
  2. How necessary is it? (1-10)

Now it’s time to cross analyze. Things that scored highly in both areas clearly need to remain in your life. Things that scored 8 or higher on the necessary scale but low on the pleasure scale need to be reconsidered….

How necessary are they really?

And now your thinking but what does all this crap have to do with the Eight of Pentacles?

Clearing time clutter is hard work and not for the faint of heart. Refusing to help your child with his math homework so you can have more “me time” will be heart wrenching for you. Be strong!