Veronica Noir

Transform yourself….without all the hard work!

International Woman of Leisure by day, whipcracking Tarot Reader by night! Veronica is my evil twin and she took a quick break from eating bon bons to write you this tidbit of tasty advice….so take it!

hezicos-tarot-death

Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin

Everyone wants “transformation”!

If you’ve ever been to a website about weight loss, new agey stuff, spiritual stuff or life coaching, you will see the word “transformation” splattered all over it, like seagull crap on a pier.

But what IS “transformation”? Simple answer: DEATH!

Oh, so you want to “transform” your life? No, you want your old self to die.

Do you want to “transform” your thinking? No, you want to murder your negative thoughts.

So why does everyone go around saying “blah blah blah, transformational, blah blah, bullshit, bullshit, blab”?

Because Death is the low effort option, whereas Transformation sounds like a lot of exhausting, hard work, which most average dumbfucks looooove. Or at least love to talk about.

So this weekend, ask yourself: “what old habits would l like to lay to rest?”

OR “what part of my life would l like to have a mini funeral for?”

OR “what aspects of myself would l like to violently shank to death and then forcibly reincarnate as something entirely different?” oh, wait, that sounds more like “transformation”. Nevermind!

Transform yourself….without all the hard work! Read More »

Hard work is the new c-word

Veronica is my evil Tarot reading twin. She lives life on her own terms and quite frankly it scares the crap out of me. Drinking before 4pm, seducing men under 25 and reading Tarot like a smutty Harlequin romance. Here’s Veronica…

the-empress-tarot-card-meaning
Rider Waite Tarot

If you want to regret something, work hard all the time.

There are many unoriginal hacks out there who like to expound the virtues of hard work.

And do you know what I say to that? BO-RING!

Anyone can work hard. Except lazy people.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you to “work smart”…..that’s dumb too!

What I will tell you to do is this: work hard for a brief period of time and then reap the rewards!

Most people can’t do this though. They get addicted to hard work like it’s crack. They feel like they’re being good, useful people when they work hard. Then they can look down their nose at everyone else.

I once worked in a “corporate culture” and one time during an employee engagement meeting, this ass wipe named Colin* was all like “la di da, look how hard I’m working. Ooooh, I’m working so much harder than everyone else. I always give 110%”

I said shut the fuck up Colin. 110% is impossible – it’s a mathematical lie. Don’t be an overachiever, you twat!”

I no longer work there, but my point is this….

There’s nothing wrong with working hard at something you truly love and care about. But for God’s sake, take a tea break and put your feet up and enjoy the fruits of your labor (like The Empress, above).

There is nothing worse than working hard for the sake of hard work.

So tell me….what will you NOT be working hard at this weekend????

*His real name

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Social Etiquette: Veronica style

Veronica is my evil twin/alter ego and queen of Tarot. She has everything I don’t….copious cleavage, hordes of boy toys trailing after her and a hankering for day drinking. The only thing I have in common with her is we both write about Tarot for this blog!

eight of swords

Dame Darcy Tarot

Have you ever found yourself at a dinner party, seated next to someone who just won’t shut the fuck up?

You sit there all polite and quiet, listening to them drone on and on about their gluten sensitivity and talented grandchildren….

All the while resenting every minute and frantically looking for an escape. But they are not your jailer. Your misplaced sense of politeness is.

Then, after an evening of storing up all your anger, you get home to your loving spouse and viciously tear into him for leaving a dirty fork on the counter!

Here’s the thing – your politeness is like money, it isn’t limitless. So don’t go squandering all your nicey niceness on boring people who suck. Save it for those who matter.

Social Etiquette: Veronica style Read More »

Was someone mean to you? Veronica to the rescue!

Veronica is my badass rebel twin sister who doesn’t take it lying down. She writes smut, astral travels, knows how to fly and eats cute boys for breakfast. And oh yeah, she reads Tarot too…

Anna K Tarot

Not sure what’s going on this week (Mercury retrograde?) but the assholes are coming out of the woodwork, sending me mean emails and leaving nasty comments on my blog.

Here’s a sampling of the fan mail I’ve received this week…

“You are a horrible human being. I don’t believe in you or anything you’re selling. Blessed be.”

“You spelled ‘their’ wrong again, you dumb c*nt. It’s ‘their” not ‘they’re’.

And my personal favorite…

“You could have been a hero but instead you are a zero.”

At least that one rhymed!

Maybe you can relate. Maybe you have a “customer service” job where you take crap from people ALL DAY LONG.

Or maybe you’re just sick of mean people being mean.

Do you wanna know what Veronica did? She met up with some friends for coffee, read these mean emails out loud and they all laughed. Oh how they laughed!

So…. I want to know….what was the last ridiculously mean thing someone said to you? Tell me in the comments below and we will have a good laugh about it together 🙂

Was someone mean to you? Veronica to the rescue! Read More »

Veronica needs your help!

Sooooo….Veronica totally dropped the ball today. She forgot to do a reading. She was too busy smoking weed and watching ASMR videos on YouTube last night. I know, I know, I’m just as disgusted with her as you are!

So just for some crazy fun, I decided to post a Tarot card and let YOU interpret it like you think Veronica would. So take a deep breath, flex your fingers, saddle up to the keyboard and do your best Veronica impression…

Here is the 6 of Rods (or Wands) from the Anna K Tarot….

Anna K Tarot

Please post your interpretation in the comments below 🙂

Veronica needs your help! Read More »

How to get everything you’ve ever wanted

Veronica is my nefarious Tarot reading twin. At night she slinks through the streets under the cover of darkness, hunting for young, unsuspecting man-meat. By daylight she naps, writes filth and eats bon bons. But on Fridays, she reads Tarot – for you, right here…

Cosmic Tarot

Have you noticed that the more out of reach something is, the more attractive it becomes?

Married men, luxury yachts and some fucking peace and quiet are all good examples.

But have you also noticed that when you stop wanting something, that’s when you finally get it?

The only jobs I’ve ever gotten were jobs I never really wanted. Come to think of it, I’ve never really wanted a job – ever.

When you don’t need or want something, you keep your power. And that power emanates from you like a sexy glow, attracting moths, lovers, jobs and all sorts of shit.

So stop wanting. Stop being so god damn needy all the time! Stop drooling over pricey shoes and underage pizza delivery boys. Geez!

When you don’t want or need anything, no one can control you. You can’t be tempted, seduced or manipulated. You are your own person. A maverick. A trailblazer. Strutting to your own slutty beat. Or maybe that’s just me?

In any case, I absolutely DO NOT WANT to live in a seaside castle with 100 cats and kittens, eating vanilla-lemon cupcakes all day and watching ASMR videos on the youtubes. Not at all 😉

What about you? What do you absolutely NOT want in your life?

How to get everything you’ve ever wanted Read More »

Is this sexy?

 

veronica 2Veronica is my nefarious Tarot reading twin – she’s just like me except she drinks all day, loves offending people and honestly….she has way more fun! Let’s see what ridiculous advice she has for us today…

druidcraft tarot the star

Druidcraft Tarot

A few months ago I stopped shaving my armpits. Why? Because I think it’s sexy.

Although no one else does. Yet.

But just you wait – I think I’m onto something.

My point is this – The Star is all about relaxed sensuality, going with the forces of nature and just being all round chill.

My armpit hair wants to grow, so I let it. Go with the flow and don’t try to fight nature.

Our lame, predictable society tells us that we must constantly fight against nature in order to be sexy – like waxing all your body hair off, slathering nasty antiperspirant on your pits and ….well, come to think of it, most of this violence is against armpits.

Anyhow, not doing this stuff is a small act of rebellion and it feels divine! I’m not saying you should be hairy and smelly – maybe that’s not your thing, but just let go a little, don’t fight your body so much….

Even though we can’t really see it, I’m willing to be The Star has armpit hair…in fact, I’d bet my left pit stain on it!

Is this sexy? Read More »

Don’t “be real” – be secretive!

veronica 2Veronica is my husky voiced twin. She’s bad, she’s fabulous and she reads Tarot. When she isn’t sexily reclining on her chaise lounger and sipping something evil, she’s dishing out unsolicited advice on my blog!

the moon

Housewives Tarot

There’s a lot of trumped up talk about “authenticity” these days, which is a sure sign that almost everyone lacks it.

And while I’m all for saying what’s on your mind, telling it like it is and that whole what you see is what you get crapola, I can’t help but rebel against this sudden onslaught of asshats telling me I’m supposed to “be real.”

Fuck off already.

It’s not always wise or attractive to just reveal everything about yourself and share your private thoughts willy nilly.

The only thing hotter than being your true, authentic self is being secretive! Think of Burlesque dancers – they’re all about the slow reveal and even then they rarely ever get totally nude, which is why pasties and g-strings exist.

The Moon is all about dimming the lights, keeping a few tricks up your sleeve and smiling like a Cheshire cat that just ate a bird. Be authentic….by all means! But keep your pasties on.

Don’t “be real” – be secretive! Read More »

Diversity…..and other overused words

Veronica is my nefarious Tarot reading twin. At night she slinks through the streets under the cover of darkness, hunting for young, unsuspecting man-meat. By daylight she naps, writes filth and eats bon bons. But on Fridays, she reads Tarot – for you, right here…

osho zen tarot card
Osho Zen Tarot

Diversity is the new buzz word on everybody’s lips these days.

As in “financial planners recommend investment diversification for economic growth” or “the new multiplex will foster community, diversity and culture”

Yeah, whatever.

Like engagement, self esteem, transparency and wellness before it, diversity won’t be a hot little number forever. So let’s dissect it while we can.

You can always identify what a society lacks by the words it overuses. People are the same.

Have you ever met someone who blabbered on and on about how open and transparent they were? “I’m basically an open book. What you see is what you get,” blah blah blah.

And then you find out they have a secret, sordid life of money laundering, cocaine parties and eating at McDonald’s.

So our mainstream society doesn’t give a shit about diversity, even though it never stops talking about it.

And I get it. It’s way more fun to talk about something than to actually practice it.

Just ask all those people who list yoga as a hobby but haven’t actually been to a class since 2009.

So tell me….what do you like to talk non-stop about but don’t actually do?

Diversity…..and other overused words Read More »

F*ck astrology! Tell me what you last ate…

Veronica is my evil Tarot reading twin.  Whip wielding anarchist by day, mischevious Tarot queen by night, Veronica is the author of her very own ebook! Let’s see what terrible advice she has for you….

Linestrider Tarot by Siolo Thompson

You are what you eat.

At least that’s what an obnoxious duty teacher once told me when I was ten.

But guess what?

Whatever you last ate….is the secret key to your true personality!

Did you eat….

A cupcake?  – this means you like to destroy beautiful things with your mouth.

Casserole? – you enjoy chaos and mayhem

A wrap? – your a lazy f*ck

A salad? – you think you’re better than everyone. Or, you like salads.

An apple – you give in to temptation way too easily!

Popcorn – you like to keep busy, busy, busy.

A salmon burger – you’re sophisticated but you like to slum it every now and then

I could go on and on…but I’ll stop there.

If you’re food wasn’t listed here, tell me in the comments below and I’ll tell you what it says about you…

F*ck astrology! Tell me what you last ate… Read More »

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