December 2020

Meet my evil, Tarot reading twin Veronica! There’s nothing she hates more than giving to others…unless it’s a weird, creepy, totally inappropriate gift. Whether your unemployed and totally broke or part of the .001% and looking for new, inventive ways to blow your money, Veronica’s got you covered!

WARNING! The following post is written by Veronica Noir, my evil twin. While I’m all love, light and classiness, Veronica is the exact opposite. You’ve been warned.

It’s that time of year again. The time when we’re supposed to pretend to like giving to others. But let’s be honest. You don’t want to blow your hard earned cash on unappreciative people whose mindless chatterings bore you to tears. Aaaand you probably don’t want to get your best friend another boring scented candle again, right?

Good news! I’ve got your back. Here are my hottest go-to holiday gift ideas, most of which will cost you $0, perfect for all the different time vampires in your life…

Your Best Friend

Gift: Homemade Bath Salts

Cost: almost free

Tools needed: 1 – 2 cups epsom salts, essential oils, jar

Best friends are tricky to buy for – you want to get them something nice but you don’t want to spend any money on them, so here’s a gift that lets you indulge both your generous and cheap side.

Naturally scented bath salts are luxurious, healing, rejuvenating….and easy as fuck to throw together at the last minute!

How to: Find a decent looking jar, set aside. Mix 1 or 2 cups of epsom salts with a few drops of essential oil. If your lazy, just do lavender. If you’re a real type A, go-getter, mix lavender with something else, like sage or rosemary. Put scented salts in jar and maybe stick a bow on it or something.

Option B – Celebrity Bath Salts!

If your best friend has a sense of humour, or if you think just bath salts isn’t enough, then you can add a quirky twist by inserting a photo of a celebrity into the salt jar. Let me explain.

Last year I gave a very lucky friend of mine Vin Diesel bath salts. I cut out a large photo of Vin Diesel’s head that I found in an old People magazine, scotch taped it into the inside of an old mustard jar and then filled it with the scented salt. It was a hit!

Your Co-worker

Gift: An autographed and framed photo of their celebrity crush!

Cost: Free!

Tools needed: picture of a celebrity, picture frame, pen

Co-workers are so weird to buy gifts for. You see them all the time so you kind of hate them, but you also want to make them smile sometimes. Well, this is how…

Learn who your co-worker’s celeb crush is. If they won’t divulge, assume it’s David Hasselhof.

How to: Get on the internet and find a photo of that celeb. Print it off. Write a very personal message on the photo, like “To (insert co-workers name here), my #1 fan!” and autograph it. Put the signed photo in a shitty dollar store frame and wrap it up!

Not only will they be surprised, they will LOVE it and display it on their work desk with pride! Trust me.

Secret Santa

Gift: An old paperback romance, with the dirty parts highlighted and bookmarked. Yes!

Cost: Free if you already have an old romance paperback kicking around somewhere.

Tools needed: old romance novel, highlighter and sticky tabs.

No Christmas function would be complete without the requisite secret Santa gifting tradition. These are fun because you can get totally inappropriate gifts for people and no one will know it’s you.

When I used to work in an office, we played secret Santa at our Christmas party. The name I drew out of the hat was an uptight guy in his mid forties who I’d barely talked to. What was I supposed to get him? Luckily, I had a great idea.

I had dozens of old, mildew covered romance novels from the 1980’s sitting in a box in my crawl space. I went through each one, picking out the steamiest scenes, highlighting them with a florescent yellow marker and dog earring the pages.

When he opened the gift he was confused. So I enthusiastically explained that all the sex bits were highlighted for him so he didn’t have to waste time looking for them. We all had a good laugh!

I didn’t get fired for sexual harassment because it was 2003.

The casual acquaintance who bought you a gift last year and so now you have to buy her one. Fuck.

Gift: Homemade, Celeb themed Christmas tree decorations

Cost: $0

Tools needed: Old gossip mags, scissors, glue, glitter, string, cardboard, hole punch (optional).

First of all, these people are annoying. They love making themselves look good and others feel guilty and obligated. Fuck these people. Get them a gift that will leave them confused and weirded out – so weirded out that they decide to NOT get you a gift next year, thus breaking the cycle of obligation.

Some people will actually LOVE getting celebrity themed Christmas tree decorations (like your best bud or quirky co-worker), but the casual acquaintance who for some fucked up reason bought you a really expensive, thoughtful gift last year, won’t.

How to: slam a few glasses of wine and rifle through an old issue of US Weekly or People magazine, snipping out pics of random celebs as you go.

Get an old cardboard or cereal box and cut out Christmas tree ornament sized shapes, like stars, hearts and circles. Now fine tune your celeb pics so they fit nicely on the bits of cardboard. Glue or tape them on.

Now, cover the edges in glue and dip in glitter or paint with gold paint, to give them that holiday sparkle. Punch a hole in the top, put a string through and tie it.

BOOM! Holiday magic achieved!

Family Members

You know what? These jerks deserve some homemade celebrity x-mas decorations too!

This year my mom’s getting a Prince William decoration. Does she like the royals? No. She hates them. Too bad mom!

For Your Self

Gift: Crystal Pleasure Wand

Cost: $170 – $325

For the most important person in your life, go balls to the wall overboard and spend a shitload on something splashy.

Don’t hold back. Your relationship with yourself is the one relationship you can never get out of, so don’t disappoint yourself this year.

Treat yourself to a crystal pleasure wand – it’s hands down the most magical, mystical dildo you will ever own.

Plastic sex toys are so 2010. You deserve the best. You deserve a solid amethyst phallus! Or rose quartz. Or obsidian. Whatever floats your sexy boat!

Chakrubs is the place to go for high quality crystal pleasure tools – all their products are ethically sourced and are of outstanding quality. There’s lots of poor quality crystal dongs flying around the market, so don’t be bamboozled by the cheaper knockoffs out there.
(I love this company so much I’m an affiliate! Use code TAROT10 to get 10% off your order!)

For your Lover

Gift: Homemade Crotchless Panties

Cost: Free!

Tools needed: scissors, an old pair of undies.

For the second most important person in your life, don’t hold back. Go big. Go wild. Go homemade. Make them a pair of handcrafted, artisanal crotchless panties!

After you blow your wad (of cash!) on a crystal wand for yourself, you’ll probably want to cheap out on this one. And that’s okay. Your lover will appreciate your ability to combine thrift with sensual creativity.

How to: rifle through your lover’s underwear drawer when they’re not home and select their favorite pair. God, they’re going to love this! Now, snip out the crotch part with a pair of scissors. Voila!

Now Get Crafting!

Well, I’ve given you plenty of creative ideas for some spectacular (and thrifty) homemade gifts this year. You’re welcome.

You’re friends, frenemies, lovers, coworkers and family won’t know what got into you this year! Make x-mas 2020 a holiday to remember ♥

xoxo
Veronica Noir