Veronica Noir - Daily Tarot Girl

Seven of Swords: “we should get together for coffee!!!” and other lies…

My evil alter ego Veronica Noir is here to kick some sense into you with her bitchy Tarot reading! Veronica was selfless enough to take a moment out of her busy day of pedicures, naps and boy-toying to write you this snippet of advice. So take it! Or else….

You know when you run into someone you haven’t seen for a while and they say “oooh, we should get together for coffee!” but you know they are totally lying?

Then you say something like “well, I’m free all this week and all next week. Morning, noon and night – I’m open!”

And they say “hmm, yeah I’ll facebook you….”

And then they don’t.

It’s because they never actually wanted to have coffee and “catch up” with you. They don’t give a fuck. They’re just jerking off your ego out of misplaced politeness.

And let’s face it – we all jerk off each others egos out of misplaced politeness now and then. So here’s the deal. Stop saying things you don’t mean just so you can seem more amicable.

We all know you’re a total bitch anyway.

And stop giving a free pass to all those wankers in your life who act all nicey nicey when in reality they’d rather spend an afternoon plucking nipple hairs than drinking coffee with the likes of you!

Seven of Swords: “we should get together for coffee!!!” and other lies… Read More »

“Balance” is for Yoga dorks. But “Variety” is for Sultry Strumpets!

Veronica Noir is a mysteriously delinquent Tarot reader who travels the world, diving with sharks and dancing on tabletops. Her advice is horrific at best, yet often surprisingly helpful. Let’s see what she has to say about Temperance…

Today’s card is Temperance and guess what? It’s not about “balance” like you thought it was.

Balance is for ninnies who feel smug when they do yoga and drink green juice out of mason jars with a straw.

This Temperance card is about mixing it up! It’s about variety! Out with the same old, same old, in with the new and different.

“Balance” is a twisted concept invented by stir-crazy moms who try to convince themselves that they can be satisfied with a life of carpooling, monogamy and quiet desperation if only they could walk 3 x week and drink more water.

But variety is the spice of every sultry strumpet’s life! And as you can see here, it takes all kinds of ingredients to make a cake….not just white flour and tears.

Unless you get to play a variety of different roles and sample an array of tasty delectables….well, you’re just not living!

So this weekend, mix things up. Do something different.

Indulge your alter ego for once and do what he/she wants to do.

“Balance” is for Yoga dorks. But “Variety” is for Sultry Strumpets! Read More »

Queen of Cups: Empathy doesn’t equal dipshit

10 Comments / March 2015, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / March 20, 2015

Veronica Noir is my batshit crazy twin sister. She is just like me except she’s brilliant, has no sense of guilt or shame, speaks her mind and does whatever she wants, when she wants! Kind of like a psychopath….but with a heart of gold. Oh, and she also reads Tarot…

It’s okay to care about other people….

But don’t care about what they think of you.

Now reread that phrase because it’s important!

You can be a kind, caring, boring person AND go about your day without ever giving a flying fuck what other people think of you.

The Queen of Cups over here knows this shit. She knows it well.

She is compassionate, nurturing and really does care about people. But she sure as hell isn’t going to self-censor and pussy foot around town trying to be all P.C. and fit into the woodwork.

No. She lives her life her way and does it without feeling all guilty and shit.

Be like this Queen today and don’t make the mistake that you’ve probably been making all your life….telling yourself that you’re helping others by caring about what they think of you.

You’re not. You’re just failing to inspire them to live life on their own terms.

Queen of Cups: Empathy doesn’t equal dipshit Read More »

Nix the Little Dictators in Your Life!

4 Comments / March 2015, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / March 13, 2015

Veronica is my bad, Tarot reading twin. She spends her days watching shows like Spartacus (for the greased up dudes, not the sword fighting), mixing coma-inducing beverages and giving other people advice on how to live their lives. Here’s her take on The Hierophant…

No, I’m not talking about your children, as the title might suggest. So don’t get all excited.

I’m talking about the MEDIA!

Media – TV, radio, movies, ads and other stupid shit – all dictate what you should be focusing your attention on.

Magazines dictate what you should be worried about…CELLULITE!

The Internet dictates what you should want….A FUCKING VITAMIX, ALREADY!

The News tells you who you should be afraid of….TERRORISTS!

And worst of all, movies dictate what constitutes “sexy”….MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY?! I beg to differ.

But YOU get to dictate how much you engage with the Media shit show.

The most rebellious thing you can do this weekend is switch off the media dictators in your life.

So don’t just spend your Saturday vegging out on the couch watching shows on Netflix again, okay? Unless of course that show is Spartacus. Then it doesn’t count.

Nix the Little Dictators in Your Life! Read More »

Veronica tells you what “self love” really is…

2 Comments / March 2015, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / March 6, 2015

Veronica is my evil, Tarot reading twin. She loves to write smut, travel the world and sun-tan topless in inappropriate places. Today she is taking a moment out of her hectic schedule of massages, lunches and napping to write you this bit of wisdom. So I hope you take her advice….

You know what? You’re a STAR!

Why? You just are!

Now it’s time to celebrate yourself.

But not in a lame, sissy-pants way like taking a bubble bath or eating a piece of chocolate cake.

You should be doing that stuff anyway – as a regular part of life.

Celebrate by taking yourself on a hot date.

Treat yourself to an exquisite lunch. Order copious amounts of champagne and things containing dairy, gluten and refined sugar – but wear one of those fancy-lady scarves so you can strategically camouflage your gut as you bask in hedonistic splendor!

Make sure you arm yourself with today’s newspaper and while your waiting for your food, scrawl a Hitler stash on everyone you don’t like the looks of. This will provide you with hours of divine amusement and laughter!

Ahhh, this is what “self-love” really feels like.

Tell me….how will you celebrate YOU this weekend?

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Planning for the future? Don’t!

10 Comments / Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / February 27, 2015

Veronica is my evil, Tarot reading twin and she’s one sick puppy. She abhors the idea of saving for retirement, thinks university is for suckers and goes braless to Jazzercise class. Good God, we are such opposites! But I love her so much…

Are you planning for the future?

WELL STOP!

It’s not good for you. Seriously. Leave that kind of stuff to people who are dead on the inside.

Possibly the stupidest question I’ve ever been asked is “where do you see yourself in five years?”

I’m still trying to think of the most offensive way to answer that one!

If you’ve ever found yourself worrying about RSPs, your health 20 years from now, dying alone, your career trajectory or pumping out spawn, take heart. You are not alone.

And this is the only thing that sets us apart from wild animals! Rwawar!

But don’t put a bunch of importance on your future.

Plan for it in the same way you might plan to make a little extra stir-fry for dinner tonight so you can have the leftovers for lunch tomorrow. Or how you might wax your crack before a hot date….just in case!

In other words, don’t make “planning for the future” your life’s work, but consider how it could make your life a bit easier.

Now tell me….what is your stupidest answer to the stupidest question: “where you do see yourself in five years?”

Planning for the future? Don’t! Read More »

Positive thinking? How about NOT.

15 Comments / February 2015, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / February 20, 2015

Veronica is my evil alter ego/badass Tarot reading twin. She’s sassy, self-centered and ruthless….and somehow always gets away with it! When she’s not turning down charities and using the pages of self help books as toilet paper, she’s reading Tarot on this blog…

“You just need to think positively”

“Look on the bright side”

“Kick negative thinking to the curb!”

Have you ever heard the above phrases? Of course you have! You live in a time where “positive thinking” is shoved down your throat 24/7.

Well, my dear, today I will not say those awful things to you.

Today, I want to let you know that it is totally okay with me if you think…..NEGATIVELY!

Everything is going to shit for the woman in this Five of Cups card. Most of her drinks are spilled, her dress is wet, her hair is totally fucked. What on Earth does she have to be happy about? The two full glasses? Big deal.

If things aren’t working out for you today, you can always look on the bright side and stop yourself from spiraling down into the abyss of negativity. But why would you?

When a perfectly good opportunity for self-pity and whining presents itself, take advantage!

Everyone’s so tired and bored of chipper, positive people anyway. Your cranky bitching will feel like a fresh Spring breeze on a balmy Summer’s day.

In the comments below, tell me……what will you bitch & complain about this weekend?

Positive thinking? How about NOT. Read More »

Veronica’s naughty ideas for Valentine’s Day!

February 2015, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / February 13, 2015

Veronica is my Tarot reading twin. She’s just like me except she’s bad, slutty and has way more fun! When she’s in between spa appointments and sex cruises, she’s kind enough to devote her spare time to writing these Friday readings. Enjoy!….

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and The Empress is here to tell you how to make the most of it.

As you can see, The Empress is all about nurturing…and having great knockers.

And that is what Valentine’s Day is all about!

Nurture yourself today. Secretly send yourself flowers and smutty Valentines at work and read them aloud to co-workers!

If you’re in a relationship, secretly send yourself flowers and smutty Valentines and read then aloud to your partner. His/her loins will be aflame with jealousy!

Valentines is all about heart shaped caramels, deceit and overpriced roses that don’t actually smell like roses for some reason.

You don’t want to miss out on this.

In the comments below, tell me how you plan to celebrate Valentine’s Day this weekend….

Veronica’s naughty ideas for Valentine’s Day! Read More »

The Most Beautiful Word in the World…

8 Comments / February 2015, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / February 6, 2015

Veronica is my evil, Tarot reading twin. She is a lover of all things mystical and smutty, and between drinking martinis and chasing after boy toys, she hardly has time to write this column. But despite her busy schedule she is about to dish out some “Goddess Guidance” from my Goddess Guidance Oracle Deck….

ishtar — Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue

Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries!

Fuck, I love that word.

Say NO. Just say NO. NO. NO. NO!

I love that word too, and so should you.

Ishtar, while sporting some impressive cleavage, says “love yourself enough to say no to others demands on your time and energy.” Amen to that.

This weekend, practice saying “no” just for the hell of it. Say no to as many things as you can think of. Even things you want to say “yes” to. Except if its a free drink or a free lap dance….or anything free for that matter.

Okay, let me amend that – just say “no” to all things that will require some amount of effort or sacrifice on your part.

Remember when you were two years old and said “no” to everything just for shits and giggles? Do that! Channel your inner two year old.

By the end of the weekend you may find that you have created a tantalizing expanse of free time, deliciously devoid of annoying friends and demanding family members. Pat yourself on the back! The only downside is there won’t be anyone left to say “no” to.

In the comments below, tell me what you will be saying “NO” to this weekend…..

The Most Beautiful Word in the World… Read More »

Veronica’s advice: Skip the babyshower and go to Vegas

2 Comments / January 2015, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / January 30, 2015

Veronica Noir, my evil counterpart, is too busy lounging on a yacht in the Hawaiian Islands – surrounded by glistening boy-toys – to write today’s reading. So I’ve taken an old reading from a year ago and I’m totally recycling it. God, what would Veronica think? She hates people who recycle.

You are a multifaceted creature – never forget it! That is what The World is sayin’ to me today.

There are many different aspects to your personality and who you are, so don’t let yourself get pigeonholed into any silly “roles” or “personas” – the world is wide open!

Lets take a gander at this card, shall we? The naked lady in the center is dancing inside an ovally, egg shaped space – and if that’s not blatant vagina symbolism, well then I don’t know what is! And she grasps a phallic object in each hand (lucky bitch).

There is something wonderfully hermaphroditic about The World and its message is that you must be both receptive and active in order to truly be Queen (or King) of your surroundings.

Make a to-do list AND meditate. Let go of trying to control everything AND make a plan of action. Say YES to things that make you feel open and free (like a trip to Vegas!) and NO to things that make you want to crawl back in bed (like a friend’s boring baby-shower).

You get the idea! Open yourself to the world by opening up to all aspects of yourself without judgement.

Because I am nosy, I want to know…how will you be expressing your “masculine” and “feminine” sides this weekend? Tell me in the comments below!

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