Have you ever done a juice cleanse? Well, I hadn’t. Until now.
I’d fantasized about doing one for years. I pictured myself smiling as I drank green juice out of a mason jar through a biodegradable paper straw. And then skipping barefoot on a sandy beach, feeling so light, free and clean since all I’d consumed that day was juice.
But I’d avoided doing it because, well, the part of me that didn’t bullshit myself knew it would totally suck.
But then I went camping.
And after that I got a Brazilian wax.
And I thought you know what? I’m on a roll of doing horrible things, so why not try a juice cleanse?
There was another reason I wanted to try a juice cleanse. Years ago I’d read that if you eat fresh fruits and veggies and avoid dairy, wheat, sugar, meat, alcohol, drugs and everything fun in life you can raise your vibration.
Having a high vibration is supposed to be awesome. It makes you more psychic and intuitive. You can tap into energies, communicate freely with spirit guides and have divine, ecstatic experiences. Life becomes magical. Or so I’d been told.
So I decided to give it a whirl and see if doing a juice cleanse would blast me into a whole new stratosphere of psychic ability.
My scientific methods
Here’s how I decided to conduct this psychic/dietary experiment…
1) Self evaluate level of psychic ability on a scale of 1-10
2) Do three day juice cleanse
3) Re-evaluate my level of psychic ability on a scale of 1-10 and see if it’s changed
How I evaluated my level of psychic ability
1) I closed my eyes and randomly opened a page in one of my art books, placing a hand over that page and trying to discern what was on that page with the palm of my hand (and NOT my eyes!). I then gave myself a score of 1-10, depending on how close I was.
2) I kept a journal of “psychic experiences” for the week before, during and after the juice cleanse. I also kept a dream journal. Was there an uptick of wild psychic activity and crazy ass dreams during or after the juice cleanse? You’ll find out!
Now let me roll out the details of my juice cleansing psychic adventure in a linear fashion…
The week before the juice cleanse
Nothing special happened here. In preparation for the juice cleanse I began craving things like pizza, cheese, apple cider, brownies and potato chips. I ate these things.
I had zero psychic experiences to report in my journal and I didn’t remember any of my dreams. When I evaluated my psychic ability by doing the magazine exercise above, I failed miserably. I rated myself a 2 out of 10 on the psychic front.
The 3 Day Juice Cleanse
I decided to do a modified juice cleanse and just drink juice, water and herbal tea until dinner, which would basically consist of a bunch of raw veggies and maybe some beans or something. Yeah, I know. I really know how to have fun!
I ordered the juice from a fancy company that makes really nice raw, organic, fresh pressed juice. I have a juicer but it’s a total pain in the ass to clean and I couldn’t imagine doing it like five times a day. I’m not a rich lady, I just act like one.
Day 1: An epic failure
I woke up starving and so I ate breakfast anyway (chocolatey oats with raspberries and brazil nuts) but then I also drank two glasses of juice along with some tea.
By 3pm I was going batshit nuts with hunger (even though I’d had a full breakfast, drunk a shit tonne of juice and had probably only burned 2 calories), so I caved and made myself a full plate of stuff from my garden – tomatoes, green beans, cucumber, home made sauerkraut, fancy green olives, half an avocado and some black beans with olive oil. Not exactly junk food, but also not exactly juice.
By dinner I was insane with hunger again, even though I’d eaten breakfast, lunch and like five huge glasses of juice and a huge mug of herbal tea. For dinner I made a green salad with fried tofu and a spicy peanut sauce. It was fuckin’ good! Then I washed it all down with a few more glasses of juice!
In conclusion I will say this: I ate what I normally eat in a day, plus an exorbitant amount of juice. So day one of the three day cleanse was not perfect. Okay, it was a total failure. Maybe I’ll do better tomorrow.
Day 2: The Juice Binge
I woke up and told myself I’ll drink juice until dinner, it won’t be that hard. Juice after all is FULL of calories in the form of sugar.
But by noonish I felt my brain going fizzy and fuzzy and my emotional state become more fragile by the second. I didn’t want any more fucking juice. I wanted normal food that would actually sustain me.
So I ate a bunch of white bread with cheese. Yum. Better than green juice. I washed it down with two huge mugs of black tea. Finally, I feel normal again.
For dinner I ate a huge plate of pasta with pesto sauce and olives. God I love food. Lest you think I’m cheating on this juice cleanse, fear not – I continued to slam juice every couple of hours.
At the end of the day as I was cramming my mouth with my bedtime snack of cashew milk (part of the cleanse) and crackers and cheese (not part of the cleanse), it occurred to me that what I was doing was the opposite of a juice cleanse – it was a juice binge!
Day 3: Juice Cleanses are Bullshit
The idea behind a juice cleanse is that by drinking only juice, your body gets a break from digesting solid food and when it’s not busy breaking down food it can get to work expelling toxins.
And toxins are the new agey/yoga version of demonic possession.
I figured once all those pesky toxins were out of my system, my vibration would skyrocket and I’d morph into a sacred vessel of love and light. Sadly, that didn’t happen.
Despite drinking my body weight in juice, nothing magical occurred. I am still the same person. Fuck.
Yeah, I know what you’re thinking – but Kate, you aren’t even doing the juice cleanse correctly! You’re just eating whatever and drinking tons of juice. Don’t expect miracles here.
Maybe YOU should try a juice cleanse then, if you think you’re so perfect.
Can you tell I’m cranky? It’s because I’m cleansing.
Psychic Evaluation Results
After my juice binge, I re-evaluated my psychic abilities.
Not only did my psychic journal not reveal any noticeable uptick in psychic experiences, the pages were totally blank! I didn’t even remember any of the weird sex dreams I’d undoubtedly had over the past week.
When I re-did the psychic exercise where I try to discern a picture with the palm of my hand, I once again failed miserably. So no change there.
The week after the juice cleanse
A few days after finishing my “cleanse” I was noticeably more bloated and gassy. I actually thought I’d gained a solid ten pounds. Thankfully it turned out to be extreme bloating. I think all the sugars in the juice messed with my gut bacteria and caused things to go haywire. I took a few probiotic pills and within a few days, I looked and felt somewhat normal again. Phew!
Did I notice any change in my psychic and intuitive abilities one week after the “cleanse”? NO. But maybe if I’d actually done a cleanse and not a binge, I would’ve had results. It’s hard to know.
In Conclusion…
Would I do a juice cleanse again? NO.
Do I think there is a link between diet and psychic ability? Possibly. I’m still really interested in exploring this further, as long as I don’t have to suffer too much.
What do YOU think?
Have you noticed a link between diet and psychic/intuitive ability? Have you ever felt that certain foods blocked your intuition or ability to sense energy? Or that certain foods enhanced things? Please share your thoughts in the comments below!
I’ve done a cleanse and they’re no joke. It’s not all love and peace. As for cheese… all cheeses are standing across the room making eye contact and flirting. Most of us are weak when it comes to turning them down regardless of their pick up line!
This is so true, Cat!
My, that was hilarious!
I did a celery and carrot cleanse years ago. It did nothing for my intuition (which still lacks), but it did remove the bloat from my thick waistline.
Thanks for making my day! I needed some humor, badly 😀
You’re the second person to say that celery juice helped reduce bloat – I’ve got to try it now!
Glad you enjoyed this, Lisa 🙂 Thanks for reading!
Extreme! The only juice cleanse I need is celery juice first thing in the morning 30 minutes before breakfast, as advised by Anthony Williams Medical Medium. Cleanses everything, once a day.
I loved your article and love the way you write with such humor and honesty.
I’m with you. I thought I’d do a juice cleanse and didn’t get past the first day. I got too hungry. I do have a juicer and I use it. Summer is a great time for fresh produce. You’re also right, juicing is a lot of work, so I make three days worth of juice in one sitting. It takes a while, but at least it doesn’t feel like juicing is my life trying to do it every day. I was never really consistent with it until this summer when I wasn’t every day faithful, but I was as consistent as I’d ever been. I found that the more I juiced, the more satisfied I was, I didn’t get as hungry, nor did I crave cheese, crackers or mashed potatoes, (some of my favorite go-to eats). From the beginning of the summer I’ve noticed that my clothes are getting looser, which is good because I’m embarrassingly over weight. And, I felt better physically. So, with consistency, I began to experience results.
As for increasing my vibration and becoming more psychic…. That didn’t happen, but then I wasn’t thinking about it. Will say this, though: I’ve read tarot books and taken a class. It was a great jump start. When I am diligently practicing, I notice improvements, but then I get tired of it just like getting tired of green juice and I let it slide for a while. I became a Reiki master last fall and that was supposed to open all sorts of intuition, but I don’t practice every day so I haven’t experienced that. I think that consistency is key to improving any skill, or any level of health.
A week of Reiki will jump start me, but unless I maintain the momentum, those gains are lost. Same with Tarot, psychic abilities, and the benefits of green juice.
Thanks so much for sharing you experiences here, Robin 🙂
I used to practice Reiki quite regularly (years ago) and when I did I noticed myself becoming way more intuitive/psychic. But you’re right, if you don’t practice it regularly, you don’t see the same results.
This post cracked me up so much, Kate! You are so funny. Thank you for making my day!
Thanks Peg! Glad this made you laugh 🙂
Thanks for the heads up! Had been thinking about it but…..I love cheese too much! No self control whatsoever in me…😂
Hi, Kate
Thanks for making me laugh so hard. I really needed that!
On the subject of juice, I started drinking 8 oz of celery juice in the morning. My massage therapist keep raving about the benefits, so I finally gave it a try just to stop her from bugging me about it. My experience is that while my vibration didn’t get raised, I did get rid of bloat that made me look five pounds heavier. You can look up the celery juice benefits for yourself if you are interested and just to let you know, you can eat regular food half an hour after you drink it.
Oh wow, that’s cool that the celery juice reduced your bloat. I can’t stand the taste of celery juice unless its mixed with other stuff, otherwise it’s too bitter. I wonder if you still get the same benefits if you mix it with other stuff?
Holy Cheese and Crackers! I haven’t laughed so hard in a long time 🙂 I have nothing to add to this subject except, thank you for taking a hit for the team so we don’t have to suffer as you did!
You’re so welcome, Diana! ha ha 😉 glad you enjoyed.
Your juice cleanse sounds a lot like my failed attempt at vegetarianism. I was always starving and craving things I hardly ever eat like eggs. I can go meatless for a few days a week but not full time and milkless cheese is an abomination.
Nothing makes you want something more than telling yourself you can’t have it!
Kate, thanks to you I learned how to read tarot with my intuition, which has been an invaluable skill for my spiritual development, so I will share with you what I discovered about the present topic: alcohol is very detrimental for my psychic abilities, it shrinks my perception. About the vibrational thing, in my experience, eating tasty food that makes me happy gets me into that state that I associate with the Sephirotic Tree, which you could call high vibration.
Thanks for sharing this, Isaias! Alcohol is a weird one – some people say it relaxes them and therefore helps with intuition, but for me it just makes me shut down.
An after thought…If you want to do something to heighten your vibration/enhance you psychic abilities…Try and find a Sweat Lodge I’ve done them 3 limes and loved it… I saw 5 different faces of what I determined were Spirit Guides and other things….
Yes! I’ve never been to a sweat lodge but the cabin we stay at each year has a little mud hut sauna. I spent three hours in there one day and it was awesome. Didn’t have any visions or anything, but it was great. (And if it sounds crazy that I spent 3 hours in there, it actually wasn’t super hot. But I did sweat a ton.)
When I saw the title I thought “I hope Kate doesn’t discover a juice cleanse helped her intuitive abilities “ because my family wouldn’t tolerate me on a juice cleanse!😹 Your Post was a riot! I do think my diet is connected to my overall functioning so I try to eat regularly and well.
Oh Sara, that’s too funny! My husband could barely tolerate me when I did this cleanse (and I wasn’t even really doing it properly!)
This was hysterical !
Kate you had me with laughter ,🤪
Great post !
I’m definitely craving Balderson cheese now😀…I really enjoyed reading this!! Kombucha is my favorite magical drink.
Mmmm….I love kombucha too! It pairs nice with Balderson cheese.
You are so funny Kate…Thanks for the good laugh this morning…. Spirit and Spirits do not mix(drugs and alcohol do not raise your vibration just the opposite except maybe magic mushrooms)… To raise you vibration you simply need to find your happy place. You can’t force it..it comes organically…and besides you already are psychic you silly girl…You just have to relax shut off you left brain and go with it (but you already know that). Putting you body through torture is not the way to go….
Good advice, Debra – I’ll take it! And yes, torturing your body is definitely not the way to go!
Kate, you are hilarious. I’ve never tried one and I’m pretty sure my juice cleanse would be as similar to yours! Thank you for sharing your satirical process. Lol
Glad you enjoyed, Lisa 🙂 And I’m also glad you’ve never done a juice cleanse! You’re NOT missing out.
Very funny post, Kate! If the tarot thing doesn’t work out, you can try stand up LOL.
haha, not a bad idea! Glad you enjoyed 🙂