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The Worst Kind of Person

Veronica Noir is my deeply disturbed, Tarot reading twin. She is here to spice up your life with her bad advice…

Osho Zen Tarot

You know what disturbs me more than anything?

More than fascism, more than ice cream cakes and even more than texting?

People who get up early…on purpose.

Do you ever notice how these people are always more productive, happy and successful than you?

They are also more annoying and unlikeable.

In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever met an early riser I didn’t clash with. They always seem to be hardworking, dependable and polite – the worst type of person!

So if you want to avoid turning into one of these assholes, start brushing up on your sleeping in skills!

The Art of the Sleep In (in 4 easy steps!)

  1. Stay up ridiculously late, doing something frivolous like watching make-up tutorials on YouTube or fapping to pics of hot guys with kittens.
  2. Consume vast quantities of drugs and alcohol. Martinis and weed work nicely for me. But if you’re “in recovery” or just not into the drugs and booze scene, make yourself a big mug of Sleepytime tea and hit that shit hard!
  3. Get your snack on. Cheese, chips, cookies, you name it. Eating late is hard on your liver because it overloads it with glucose right when it’s trying to rest. This creates a sluggish, lazy effect on your body which helps you sleep in later. You’re welcome!
  4. Don’t set an alarm. Alarms are for try-hards with careers and responsibilities. You’re cooler than that, right? RIGHT?

Consumption vs Creativity

Veronica is my Tarot reading twin. She’s just like me except she’s bad, slutty and has way more fun! When she’s in between spa appointments and sex cruises, she’s kind enough to devote her spare time to writing these Friday readings. Enjoy!….

Universal Waite Tarot Deck (U.S. Games Inc)

There are two main things we humans do: consume and create.

Both are valid. Both are important. But if you do only one then you’re up shit creek without a paddle.

I, Veronica, love to consume! I voraciously munch cinnamon buns with my London fog every Sunday afternoon. I love watching artsy fartsy euro porn, listening to grisly true crime podcasts and reading celebrity gossip mags!

But consumption becomes destruction if it isn’t  balanced out with creativity. Your soul withers and your mind becomes numb.

So this weekend, make sure you enjoy the things you consume, but then let them inspire you to create!

Bake some cookies, draw pictures of your cat, build a tree fort or slather your naked body in paint and roll around on a canvas in your backyard.

You get the idea. The sky’s the limit!

So tell me….what 3 things do you love to consume and what 3 things will you create this week?

The one question that will change your life

veronica 2

International Woman of Leisure by day, whipcracking Tarot Reader by night! Veronica is my evil twin and she’s here to slap some sense into you. She wrote this reading with her peacock feather pen while sipping a spiked earl grey tea and then made me type it out on my laptop….that bitch…..

cat
Animal Wisdom Tarot by Dawn Brunke

Whenever I’m in a bind I always ask myself WWMCD?

That stands for what would my cat do?

Cats do two things really well:

#1 They are pros at kicking back and relaxing

#2 They couldn’t care less about what you think about them – 0 fucks given.

These are two things you need more of in your life. Trust me.

Who would you be if you acted like a cat? If you could lounge for hours without feeling “guilty”? If everything you did was because it felt good.

Sure you might be a bit of a sociopath, but you’d also be able to let your intuition guide you for once.

And your intuition will probably say things like skip work today and read dirty novels in the bath” or fuck herbal tea, let’s go for some vodka and tomato juice”

And that’s okay. Just go with it. See where it takes you…

Just don’t get drunk in the bath…you could die….clutching literary porn.

Don’t eat the cookies just because they’re there

VeronicaVeronica is my evil twin and co-tarot reader and on Friday’s I let her take the reins. She wrote this while eating pink frosted cupcakes on a red velvet divan, being fanned by willing boy toys.

Housewives Tarot

The other day I was bored and scrounging in my freezer and I found a sad little ziploc bag with three broken shortbread cookies.

These cookies were old, store bought and not even that good when they were fresh. Yet I opened the bag and ate them. I did not enjoy them, but I didn’t stop at one – I ate all three.

It made me wonder….if I wasn’t even hungry and I didn’t even like them, why did I eat them?

I ate them because they were there and I was bored.

It suddenly dawned on me that perhaps this is why everyone is so miserable all the time! We are making choices based on what’s in front of us and not what we really want.

Having sex with your spouse, socializing with your neighbor, shopping at Wal-Mart – are these things you enjoy doing? Or do you do them because they are convenient and right in front of you?

Remember when you were four and your conniving mom would be all like “do you want a carrot or a celery stick?” as if twizzlers didn’t even exist and now your government is all like “will you be voting republican or democrat?” as if anarchy wasn’t an option.

Just because something is right in front of you and easy pickins, doesn’t make it a good choice. This weekend, let your passion guide you – no more easy, mediocre choices – and who knows? Maybe you’ll end up having sex…with your neighbour…in Wal-mart!

 

It’s hot to be authentic AND secretive!

veronica 2Veronica is my husky voiced twin. She’s bad, she’s fabulous and she reads Tarot. When she isn’t sexily reclining on her chaise lounger and sipping something evil, she’s dishing out unsolicited advice on my blog!

the moon
Housewives Tarot

There’s a lot of trumped up talk about “authenticity” these days, which is a sure sign that almost everyone lacks it.

And while I’m all for saying what’s on your mind, telling it like it is and that whole what you see is what you get crapola, I can’t help but rebel against this sudden onslaught of asshats telling me I’m supposed to “be real.”

Fuck off already.

It’s not always wise or attractive to just reveal everything about yourself and share your private thoughts willy nilly.

The only thing hotter than being your true, authentic self is being secretive! Think of Burlesque dancers – they’re all about the slow reveal and even then they rarely ever get totally nude, which is why pasties and g-strings exist.

The Moon is all about dimming the lights, keeping a few tricks up your sleeve and smiling like a Cheshire cat that just ate a bird. Be authentic….by all means! But keep your pasties on.

Balance is for boring Yoga dorks….but Variety is for sultry strumpets!

Veronica

Veronica was feeling lazy this week and said “f*ck it, just recycle one of my old readings from last year” – so here it is, an oldie but a goodie. You may have read this before, but the message is important and worth reading again!

temperance

Housewives Tarot

Today’s card is Temperance and guess what? It’s not about “balance” like you thought it was.

Balance is for ninnies who feel smug when they do yoga and drink green juice out of mason jars with a straw.

This Temperance card is about mixing it up! It’s about variety! Out with the same old, same old, in with the new and different.

“Balance” is a twisted concept invented by stir-crazy moms who try to convince themselves that they can be satisfied with a life of carpooling, monogamy and quiet desperation if only they could walk 3 x week and drink more water.

But variety is the spice of every sultry strumpet’s life! And as you can see here, it takes all kinds of ingredients to make a cake….not just white flour and tears.

Unless you get to play a variety of different roles and sample an array of tasty delectables….well, you’re just not living!

So this weekend, mix things up. Do something different.

Indulge your alter ego for once and do what he/she wants to do.

Update….laptop drama!

Dear blog readers,

If you are wondering where my weekly reading is….well, I’ve been having some major computer drama! My laptop stopped working yesterday and I was unable to upload. Since I only have one computer, well, it’s a total pain in the ass! I may not have my laptop back until tomorrow, but I will post as soon as I can 🙂

Thank you so much for your patience and for watching my videos!

Xoxo

Kate