tarot card meanings

Just be yourself! And ruin society…

4 Comments / August 2015, Veronica Noir / /

VeronicaVeronica is my evil twin and alter ego. For some sick reason I let her take over my blog on Fridays so she can spew her opinions, rants and advice. Let’s see what she has to say about the Seven of Swords…

seven of swords
Housewives Tarot

Have you ever been told by some well meaning twit to “just be yourself”?

And did you think “but if I was truly mySELF, I wouldn’t be here doing this stupid shit in the first place.”

So here’s the thing…

No one actually means it when they say “be yourself” – what they really mean is that your current performance of going through the motions of everyday, mind-numbing life is less convincing than it should be.

It’s not enough that you toil away at a meaningless job, suffer monogamy, engage in inane chit chat with others and pay tax, insurance, processing fees, administration fees and licensing fees.

You must do this with genuine enthusiasm! Or at least convince others that you are genuine.

Nothing brings the morale down like someone who just can’t be bothered to pretend anymore.

So what if you actually did start acting more like your real self? What would it look like? What would you stop doing? What would you start doing? And best of all….how would it mercilessly shred the fabric of society?

Just be yourself! And ruin society… Read More »

Why forgiveness is totally stupid…

4 Comments / August 2015, Veronica Noir / /

VeronicaVeronica is my evil twin sister and voracious Tarot reader. Penning smut by day and vamping about the streets at night. This booze swilling “lady” won’t quit until she’s had her fill of thrills, peanut butter ice cream and younger men. Let’s see what slutty wisdom she’s rolled out for you today…

3 swords
Intuitive Tarot by Cilla Conway

The other day I was sitting on the beach, reading Star magazine and sipping Margarita out of my stainless steel thermos, when two seagulls started to scrap!

This one seagull was a total dick, brutally attacking the other seagull and stealing his starfish. It was quite a scene.

But then like 20 seconds later, I spy these same two seagulls sitting side by side like lovers, watching the waves crash against the shore.

WTF? I thought

My good twin Kate said “wow, isn’t the capacity for forgiveness in the animal kingdom just amazing?”

And I said “no, they’re just really dumb. They don’t remember.”

Because Seagulls don’t have big, clunky human brains they lack the capacity to ruminate and stew about the shitty behavior of others. Lucky bastards.

So the message is this: you can either be an intelligent, grudge-holding, miserable mess or dumb and blissful.

No, you can’t be smart and happy – don’t be a greedy bitch!

So get to work and start putting your attention where it belongs….on dumbing yourself down.

You can start by reading Star magazine for a minimum one hour a day – that’s been working for me 😉

Why forgiveness is totally stupid… Read More »

Empty your cup if you want it filled!

4 Comments / July 2015, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2Veronica is my nefarious twin and alter ego and she’s hear to read the Tarot and tell you how to live your life. She’s a fan of day drinking, night prowling (for young men) and just being all out evil – let’s see what diabolical advice she has for you today…

ace of cups reversed
Hanson-Roberts Tarot

Have you been looking around at your life and thinking wow, there’s a lot of shit here I don’t want!?

It’s time to clean house!

If you want to bring in a bunch of good stuff, you first need to get rid of the cluttery crap that bogs your life down.

What do I mean by “cluttery crap”?

Hmmm…..well there’s physical clutter like little piles of change and gas receipts, dusty Harlequins, condom wrappers, craft supplies you never use and old shampoo bottles that are only 2/3 used up.

And then there’s time clutter – things that clog up your precious free time. Checking email, scraping little bits of mold off your bathroom ceiling, helping your elderly neighbor with her groceries – you know, terrible stuff like that.

The Ace of Cups reversed is all about emptying your cup – dumping out everything that just doesn’t make you tingle anymore so you can make room for the incoming thrills!

Empty your cup if you want it filled! Read More »

What is true wisdom? Veronica will tell you…

4 Comments / July 2015, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2Veronica is my evil twin and alter ego. When she isn’t on the prowl for some sweet young thing, she’s taking over my laptop, knocking back the lime margarita’s as she frantically types out these skanky readings for you…

vintage wisdom 2
Vintage Wisdom Oracle by Victoria Moseley

 It’s time for you to wise up already and start using your wisdom for once.

No, not your “intelligence” – that’s boring and overrated. Wisdom is a whole different ball game!

Choosing to make a waldorf salad the night before a potluck baby shower, so you don’t have to waste your saturday morning chopping apples, is intelligence. But skipping the dreaded baby shower altogether so you can frolick on your balcony with your latest boy toy is Wisdom.

Deciding to cut sugar out of your diet because you know it’s bad for you is intelligent. But strategically planning on replacing your sugar binges with explosive orgasms is wise. 

So stop trying to be so intelligent all the time and start embracing your wisdom!

What is true wisdom? Veronica will tell you… Read More »

Are you ignoring your dreams again? Tsk Tsk!

2 Comments / July 2015, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2Veronica is my rude, bitchy, diabolical twin. She reads Tarot, swears like a sailor and like all dysfunctional people, she loves to give advice….

the moon anna k
Anna K Tarot

Finally, after the seemingly endless blaze of the Sun, we get the cool relief of darkness, illuminated by a scanty sliver of silver moonlight…..

The Moon encourages introspection. It is time for you to go within. The sun is loved by morons everywhere because its big, bright and fucking yellow.

The sun allows you to get distracted by everything, and live a life outside of yourself. The Moon doesn’t stand for that shit…

It’s harder to get distracted when your immersed in darkness. But the milky glow of the lunar sphere gives you just enough light to lead you back home to yourself.

Crazy-ass dreams are in the realm of The Moon – so pay attention to them! Don’t be one of those dicks who says “it’s just a dream.” Um, no it’s not. It’s a fucking magical vision, so have some respect!

Write it down, contemplate, explore, ask yourself some deep questions. Don’t just roll out of bed and pitter patter off to the beach to scope out cute boys and drink peach cider out of a thermos. Well, do that, but write down your dream first.

Are you ignoring your dreams again? Tsk Tsk! Read More »

Delight in destruction!

8 Comments / July 2015, Veronica Noir / /

VeronicaVeronica is my evil twin and Tarot reading queen! Each Friday she gets to share her cheeky wisdom on my blog. Let’s see what depraved insights she has about The Tower…

the tower 2
Druidcraft Tarot

Remember when you were a kid and you’d spend all day making a sandcastle, just so you could watch the tide come in and destroy it?

Life is kind of like that, but now that you’re all grown up, you get attached to your creations and throw a shit fit when things start to crumble and collapse….but you could be squealling with evil glee, if you wanted to!

Job losses, marriage breakdowns, the appearance of wrinkles and greying hair – all these things can be met with wild delight, if you’re in the right frame of mind.

So….are you getting upset about something merely because you think that’s the response you’re supposed to have?

Maybe those horrible events don’t have to cause you suffering after all?

Another way to see this card is to see it as an exploding, fiery phallus, with little people being spewed out the top. Either way, I think The Tower is a real gem of a card 😉

Delight in destruction! Read More »

This weekend needs to be lazy…

2 Comments / June 2015, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2

Veronica is a voracious man eater, tarot reader, cat lover and my evil twin/alter ego. She talks like a sailor, slinks about like Catwoman and always has some deliciously subversive advice for you! So without further ado…I bring you Veronica Noir!

four of rods

The Four of Rods is here to tell you to spend some time enjoying your hearth and home this weekend.

Delight yourself by doing boring crap like baking stuff in the oven. You know, like cinnamon buns and shit like that.

Wear an apron.

Clean things.

Make a fu*king pie!

But here’s the catch – don’t plan anything this weekend. Especially if you did a whole bunch of “stuff” last weekend. Have a couple of “home days” to yourself.

Genius and spiritual unfoldment do not arise from busy-ness and rushing about doing pointless things. Trust me!

But take the time to have a glass of wine and make some sort of horrid baked good – and you just might find yourself discovering the meaning of life in the process.

Or you might just find yourself mildly drunk. Either way, it’s a nice time :)

This weekend needs to be lazy… Read More »

Everyone wants to “transform” themselves. Ugggh!

3 Comments / June 2015, Veronica Noir / /

VeronicaVeronica is my evil tarot reading twin. Each friday she graces us with her presence and offers up her best advice….

hezicos-tarot-death
Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin

Everyone wants “transformation”!

If you’ve ever been to a life coach’s website or even a new agey site, you will see the word “transformation” splattered all over it, like seagull crap on a pier.

But what IS “transformation”? Simple answer: DEATH!

Oh, so you want to “transform” your life? No, you want your old self to die off.

Do you want to “transform” your thinking? No, you want to murder your negative thoughts.

So why does everyone go around saying “blah blah blah, transformational, blah blah, bullshit, bullshit, blab”?

Because Death is the low effort option, whereas Transformation sounds like a lot of exhausting, hard work, which most average dumbfucks looooove. Or at least love to talk about.

So this weekend, ask yourself: “what old habits would l like to lay to rest?”

OR “what part of my life would l like to have a mini funeral for?”

OR “what aspects of myself would l like to violently shank to death and then forcibly reincarnate as something entirely different?” oh, wait, that sounds more like “transformation”. Nevermind!

Everyone wants to “transform” themselves. Ugggh! Read More »

Stop being polite and start giving unsolicited advice!

6 Comments / May 2015, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2Veronica is my evil twin/alter ego and she takes over my blog on Friday’s to impart her bitchy wisdom. When she isn’t Tarot reading, she’s seducing some buff young thing at the gym, penning sultry smut on her laptop and knocking back the martinis while laughing maniacally at some mediocre romantic comedy…

queen of coins
Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin

Today’s Tarot card is the Queen of Coins (aka Queen of Pentacles) and she’s just trudged onto the scene to tell you “don’t be afraid to put your nose in other people’s business!”

We often think of the Queen of Coins as having nurturing qualities and being down to earth and good with money. But she’s got a dark side….

This Queen is also a nosy busy-body who likes to muscle in and let you know her opinion on every matter.

From the state of your barren uterus (when are you going to have children?!) to your choice in self help books (you should be reading Wayne Dyer not Osho!), she just can’t keep her crappy opinions to herself.

If you know someone like this, you probably can’t stand her. But admit it….you kind of want to act like her some days. I know you’re just dying to ask people inappropriate questions and then offer up your unsolicited advice. Well, my friend, today is the day to do just that!

Don’t censor yourself today.

Don’t tell yourself it’s none of my business.

Today, everything is your business and everyone needs to hear your advice.

Have fun 😉

xoxo
Veronica

Stop being polite and start giving unsolicited advice! Read More »

I should be participating? No thanks.

3 Comments / May 2015, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2Veronica is my evil twin sister who spends her days flirting with 20-year-old boys, suntanning topless on public beaches and saying NO to charities….she needs that money for martinis! Let’s see what evil advice she has for us today…

participation
Osho Zen Tarot

Today’s Tarot card is Participation (aka Four of Wands).

When I was in elementary school, my teachers were always blathering on and on about “participation.” As in “Veronica, why aren’t you participating?”

Well, for starters I don’t participate in things that are stupid (like dodgeball) and I certainly don’t participate in things just because generic rule followers request it of me.

So take a look at your life today and notice what kinds of things you’re participating in. Do you enjoy it? Does it bring you satisfaction? Or are you doing it to appease someone?

For example, do you participate in donating to the charity of the week when you’re going through the checkout at Costco? Is it because you want to? Or is it because you’re worried that if you don’t, all those hot dog munchers behind you will think you’re a heartless bitch?

Participation is wonderful when it brings people together and diabolical when it forces you to just go through the motions for fear of being ostracized !

I should be participating? No thanks. Read More »