The Tarot Court Cards….In Bed! Part 4: The Kings

It’s been over a year since my last installment in the Court Cards in bed series and I’ve left the best ’til last…The Kings!

After struggling to understand and connect with those distant and chilly Court Cards, I decided to hop into bed with them (in my mind) and imagine what they would be like between the sheets. Yes, it’s super pervy, but that’s just how I roll!

If you’re unfamiliar with this series, here are my previous posts:

The Smutty Side of The Tarot Queens

Those Nasty Pages!

Hot Tarot Knights


I had so much fun writing these, but for some reason I couldn’t muster the passion to write about those stuffy Kings. I guess I’ve just never been into older men. But my smut loving readers have been asking me to finish this series for months: “Do the Kings! Do the Kings!”

So finally, with a little help from my evil twin Veronica, I’m doin’ the Kings!

The Tarot Kings in Bed

The Kings are mature, confident and experienced. As Samantha from Sex and the City once said about an older lover “he’s been around the block and knows how to use his c*ck!”

And that pretty much sums it up.

The only downside with the Kings is their tendency to be a bit….stuffy and overly serious. But those crusty, responsible exteriors are hiding a molten hot lava core of blistering raunchiness. Enjoy!


The King of Cups

Crystal Visions Tarot

Suit qualities: emotions, feelings, relationships

Personality traits: touchy feely, chit chatty and caring, he’s one of those “sensitive” guys.

The King of Cups actually cares about your feelings and listening to you yammer on about the emotional day you just had gives him a total boner!

He’s ultra sensual and cares deeply about your pleasure and will go to the ends of the earth to make sure you explode in just the right way. But beware…..

You may think you can have an anonymous quickie with this guy in the bushes at a Summer music festival, but then he’ll ruin it after by saying something lame like “how are you feeling?” or “I hope I didn’t violate any of your emotional boundaries.”

He wants nothing more than to “be there for you” and to listen and comfort you in your time of need. Which is just fine if it’s a therapist you’re looking for. But if it’s just a great shag your in need of, look elsewhere. This guy could drive you nuts with all the talk talk talk about feelings.

In real life he’s a counselor or teacher and loves giving his friends and co-workers spontaneous backrubs and hugs for no reason.

He’s very comfortable touching people. And he won’t hesitate to touch you – everywhere – again and again. You may think you’ve landed yourself a doting lover, but his generosity is a sham – he will later demand payment in the form of sharing your feelings. *Shudder!*

Secret fantasy: Doing it missionary on one of those Freud-style therapy couches while you whisper the word “feelings” over and over again in his ear.


The King of Wands

Druidcraft Tarot

Suit qualities: creativity, passion, career, action

Personality traits:Β This King is full of get up and go, filthy ideas and the plenty of raw energy to make your fantasies a reality. He’s someone worth busting out the Astroglide for.

As a lover he can go all night long – unlike some of his contemporaries, who are more interested rubbing suntan oil on their beer guts and grumbling about interest rates.

Since the King of Wands is a very successful sort of man who has his shit together, you will be deliciously shocked by his inventiveness and lusty ways in the bedroom!

For example, he is the type to suggest co-writing a porno script and then acting it out, viking helmets and all. See what I mean? Totally raunchy!!!

The only problem with the King of Wands is that he won’t tolerate a phoned in performance in the sack. So don’t think you can just lie there and fake moan on those days when you’d really rather be watching Witches of East End and eating peanut butter Coconut Bliss.

Secret fantasy: Being the star in a live sex show


The King of Pentacles

Morgan Greer Tarot

Suit qualities: money, health, home, the body

Personality traits: This guy is sexsessful with a capital S! Dripping in gold watches, money and businesses, he’s the quintessential sugar daddy.

Having shed the uptight sensibility of his youth, this King has weathered a few divorces and isn’t looking for a big commitment – he’d rather wine, dine, 69 you. And that’s good news!

The King of Pentacles is very much into eating….food and other things. He will suggest you cook him dinner wearing nothing but an apron and then want to smear your entire body in creme brulee. Which could either be fun or totally gross. You decide!

Alcohol, especially wine, is a favorite bedside companion for this booze swilling King. He loves nothing more than getting drunk by the fire and then rolling around naked on a faux fur rug until you both pass out.

His greatest downfall is his tendency to get so trashed that he becomes unconscious before you get a chance to get it on. Worst of all, he won’t even remember your mind blasting BJ techniques that you learned from reading Cosmopolitan in the grocery store line up.

Secret fantasy: Something involving a bevvy of prostitutes, being fed grapes and a champagne waterfall.


The King of Swords

Robin Wood Tarot

Suit qualities: intellect, thoughts, mind, communication

Personality traits: I hate to say it, but this guy is kind of a bore. He’s rigid, starchy and has no sense of humor….until you toss him on a bed and have your way with him!

The King of Swords spends all day being a big boy and acting like Mr. Smartypants. Just the kind of guy who needs to be taken down a peg or two.

If your looking for someone to dominate, the King of Swords is your man! His corporate facade is exhausting to uphold and he longs to pushed around and told what to do.

But his tastes are rather specific – not just any old honkytonk dominatrix will do. He prefers a lady of substance and refinement. Someone who is well read and knows the difference between Wuthering Heights and Fifty Shades of Grey.

In between steamy, all out kink fests he likes to discuss literature, politics, art and film (not movies – those are for riff-raff). So if you’re super-brainy, this buttoned up, stuffed shirt King will fulfill your desire for intellectual stimulation and your need to degrade someone. The perfect combo!

Secret fantasy: to be dominated by a bookish librarian type who will shriek out Shakespeare quotes while she spanks him!


To Sum Things Up…

Looking at the Tarot Court Cards in a whole new way brings them to life!

The Tarot Court Cards are multidimensional characters and while most descriptions of them can be pretty yawn-worthy and forgettable, I guarantee you won’t soon forget the filth you just read here.

Add Your Two Cents!

In the comments below, tell me which Tarot King you think would make the most captivating lover and why?

21 thoughts on “The Tarot Court Cards….In Bed! Part 4: The Kings”

  1. I’m a King of Cups type and had to royally laugh at myself over what you wrote, though “The lady doth protest too much, methinks”. (How *is* that old flame, by the way? ;p) Cheers.

  2. It’s been a while since I read your blog (sorry, just incredibly busy) and I happen to end up reading this one. I know you probably lost some viewers with this topic, and probably attracted some more as well. I just have to say, “Life is all about going for it, and stepping out and not being afraid to be you.” And you definitely fit that motto! Go for it! I’m really tired of people being politically correct just to attract big audiences. Just be who you are! You’re awesome! I’m proud of you expressing yourself without fear of judgement by others. It takes guts.

    1. Awww, thanks Ross πŸ™‚ Believe it or not, I actually censored myself quite a bit here, LOL! But yes, being able to express oneself without fear of judgement is definitely something worth striving for! Thanks for reading and commenting πŸ™‚

  3. Hahahahaha. Have never thought of looking at the Kings in that way before.. I will have to give it a try with my decks. I have a fertile, naughty imagination, so it should be a lot of fun! Thank you for the idea. Off now for some “dirty” fun with my kings.. πŸ™‚

  4. This is hilarious! It was very similar to what I was thinking. Just not sure if the King of Swords likes to be dominated or likes to dominate their partner. The others are spot on to what I was thinking. Thanks!

  5. Wow! I’m still learning the cards and this made it so much fun! 1st husband was Mr. Swords, 2nd husband – Sugar Daddy Pentacles, 3rd hubby (don’t judge .. 3 times a charm) – Rocks my world! Definitely a combo of Cups and Wands which I think is the best! A man that actually wants to make sure I’m satisfied? Jackpot! He does love to touch and loves to be touched but absolutely doesn’t want to hear my yammering and sure as heck doesn’t talk about feelings! lol. You are right … not bound to forget this anytime soon. Thanks for the giggles!

  6. I am far from being a prude, but this stuff is absolutely DISGUSTING.
    I am very serious about learning the Tarot, but I cannot see myself learning anything from you.
    I wish to unsubscribe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  7. Great post, Kate! Super fun and insightful…also love your choice of decks, really brought the staid old Kings to life!

  8. ok- how did you think of that?
    Lets see the King of Coins- is slimy, no sugar-dads for me.., an old man in bed – just disgusting;
    King of Swords- I thought he was the dominant, not vice versa, no-thank you- I had enough of that;
    Well yes- King of Wands is tempting, but is he committed though? no mention of that? most men have to go to work, how can he do it all night? do you mean weekends or all week long? I think I like him best, but he needs to show some King of Cups personality, because just sex with no feelings is not something I am upto.
    King of Cups- is lovely too, someone to tell me they love me everyday is not that bad also.

    1. Sounds like you’re looking for a blend of the King of Cups and King of Wands – a perfect combo! Thanks for reading and commenting πŸ™‚

  9. Amazing post Kate, I love it! Such a refreshing way to look at those boring old Kings! There are times when I receive a Court card and I just think “Nooooooo! I hate you!” This definitely makes them less boring, hahaha! I must admit, I am quite partial to the King of Cups, though he does sound a bit clingy. I had a boyfriend like that once. It didn’t last.

    1. Glad you enjoyed this, Sunshine! I think I had a boyfriend like that too – he was really annoying and was always getting “hurt feelings” over stupid stuff.

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