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Veronica’s Holiday Gift Guide (For Adventurous Gifters Only)

Meet my evil, Tarot reading twin Veronica! There’s nothing she hates more than giving to others…unless it’s a weird, creepy, totally inappropriate gift. Whether your unemployed and totally broke or part of the .001% and looking for new, inventive ways to blow your money, Veronica’s got you covered!

WARNING! The following post is written by Veronica Noir, my evil twin. While I’m all love, light and classiness, Veronica is the exact opposite. You’ve been warned.

It’s that time of year again. The time when we’re supposed to pretend to like giving to others. But let’s be honest. You don’t want to blow your hard earned cash on unappreciative people whose mindless chatterings bore you to tears. Aaaand you probably don’t want to get your best friend another boring scented candle again, right?

Good news! I’ve got your back. Here are my hottest go-to holiday gift ideas, most of which will cost you $0, perfect for all the different time vampires in your life…

Your Best Friend

Gift: Homemade Bath Salts

Cost: almost free

Tools needed: 1 – 2 cups epsom salts, essential oils, jar

Best friends are tricky to buy for – you want to get them something nice but you don’t want to spend any money on them, so here’s a gift that lets you indulge both your generous and cheap side.

Naturally scented bath salts are luxurious, healing, rejuvenating….and easy as fuck to throw together at the last minute!

How to: Find a decent looking jar, set aside. Mix 1 or 2 cups of epsom salts with a few drops of essential oil. If your lazy, just do lavender. If you’re a real type A, go-getter, mix lavender with something else, like sage or rosemary. Put scented salts in jar and maybe stick a bow on it or something.

Option B – Celebrity Bath Salts!

Vin Diesel bath salts

If your best friend has a sense of humour, or if you think just bath salts isn’t enough, then you can add a quirky twist by inserting a photo of a celebrity into the salt jar. Let me explain.

Last year I gave a very lucky friend of mine Vin Diesel bath salts. I cut out a large photo of Vin Diesel’s head that I found in an old People magazine, scotch taped it into the inside of an old mustard jar and then filled it with the scented salt. It was a hit!

Your Co-worker

Gift: An autographed and framed photo of their celebrity crush!

Cost: Free!

Tools needed: picture of a celebrity, picture frame, pen

Co-workers are so weird to buy gifts for. You see them all the time so you kind of hate them, but you also want to make them smile sometimes. Well, this is how…

Learn who your co-worker’s celeb crush is. If they won’t divulge, assume it’s David Hasselhof.

How to: Get on the internet and find a photo of that celeb. Print it off. Write a very personal message on the photo, like “To (insert co-workers name here), my #1 fan!” and autograph it. Put the signed photo in a shitty dollar store frame and wrap it up!

Not only will they be surprised, they will LOVE it and display it on their work desk with pride! Trust me.

Secret Santa

Gift: An old paperback romance, with the dirty parts highlighted and bookmarked. Yes!

Cost: Free if you already have an old romance paperback kicking around somewhere.

Tools needed: old romance novel, highlighter and sticky tabs.

No need to waste time looking for the smutty parts!

No Christmas function would be complete without the requisite secret Santa gifting tradition. These are fun because you can get totally inappropriate gifts for people and no one will know it’s you.

When I used to work in an office, we played secret Santa at our Christmas party. The name I drew out of the hat was an uptight guy in his mid forties who I’d barely talked to. What was I supposed to get him? Luckily, I had a great idea.

I had dozens of old, mildew covered romance novels from the 1980’s sitting in a box in my crawl space. I went through each one, picking out the steamiest scenes, highlighting them with a florescent yellow marker and dog earring the pages.

When he opened the gift he was confused. So I enthusiastically explained that all the sex bits were highlighted for him so he didn’t have to waste time looking for them. We all had a good laugh!

I didn’t get fired for sexual harassment because it was 2003.

The casual acquaintance who bought you a gift last year and so now you have to buy her one. Fuck.

Gift: Homemade, Celeb themed Christmas tree decorations

Cost: $0

Tools needed: Old gossip mags, scissors, glue, glitter, string, cardboard, hole punch (optional).

Murray from Flight of the Conchords

First of all, these people are annoying. They love making themselves look good and others feel guilty and obligated. Fuck these people. Get them a gift that will leave them confused and weirded out – so weirded out that they decide to NOT get you a gift next year, thus breaking the cycle of obligation.

Some people will actually LOVE getting celebrity themed Christmas tree decorations (like your best bud or quirky co-worker), but the casual acquaintance who for some fucked up reason bought you a really expensive, thoughtful gift last year, won’t.

How to: slam a few glasses of wine and rifle through an old issue of US Weekly or People magazine, snipping out pics of random celebs as you go.

Get an old cardboard or cereal box and cut out Christmas tree ornament sized shapes, like stars, hearts and circles. Now fine tune your celeb pics so they fit nicely on the bits of cardboard. Glue or tape them on.

Now, cover the edges in glue and dip in glitter or paint with gold paint, to give them that holiday sparkle. Punch a hole in the top, put a string through and tie it.

BOOM! Holiday magic achieved!

Family Members

You know what? These jerks deserve some homemade celebrity x-mas decorations too!

This year my mom’s getting a Prince William decoration. Does she like the royals? No. She hates them. Too bad mom!

Nothing says festive like a smiling Royal!

For Your Self

Gift: Crystal Pleasure Wand

Cost: $170 – $325

For the most important person in your life, go balls to the wall overboard and spend a shitload on something splashy.

Use code TAROT10 to get 10% off

Don’t hold back. Your relationship with yourself is the one relationship you can never get out of, so don’t disappoint yourself this year.

Treat yourself to a crystal pleasure wand – it’s hands down the most magical, mystical dildo you will ever own.

Plastic sex toys are so 2010. You deserve the best. You deserve a solid amethyst phallus! Or rose quartz. Or obsidian. Whatever floats your sexy boat!

Chakrubs is the place to go for high quality crystal pleasure tools – all their products are ethically sourced and are of outstanding quality. There’s lots of poor quality crystal dongs flying around the market, so don’t be bamboozled by the cheaper knockoffs out there.
(I love this company so much I’m an affiliate! Use code TAROT10 to get 10% off your order!)

For your Lover

Gift: Homemade Crotchless Panties

Cost: Free!

Tools needed: scissors, an old pair of undies.

For the second most important person in your life, don’t hold back. Go big. Go wild. Go homemade. Make them a pair of handcrafted, artisanal crotchless panties!

After you blow your wad (of cash!) on a crystal wand for yourself, you’ll probably want to cheap out on this one. And that’s okay. Your lover will appreciate your ability to combine thrift with sensual creativity.

How to: rifle through your lover’s underwear drawer when they’re not home and select their favorite pair. God, they’re going to love this! Now, snip out the crotch part with a pair of scissors. Voila!

Now Get Crafting!

Well, I’ve given you plenty of creative ideas for some spectacular (and thrifty) homemade gifts this year. You’re welcome.

You’re friends, frenemies, lovers, coworkers and family won’t know what got into you this year! Make x-mas 2020 a holiday to remember ♥

Veronica Noir

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Make Love to Life! (Veronica’s Advice)

Meet my evil, Tarot reading twin Veronica! Feeling lost? In need of some good advice? Well, you’ve come to the wrong place. Veronica loves nothing more than telling other people how to live (and ruin) their lives in spectacular fashion. So take her advice. If you dare…

Morgan Greer Tarot

Today’s card is The Lovers, which is all about how you relate to your romantic partner, yourself and life itself!

But most importantly, this card is about PLEASURE! Yum.

Your capacity to experience pleasure is directly related to your capacity to engage with life. So if you’re not living a pleasure focused life, it’s time to change that – snippity snap!

Some people think that suffering and hard work lead to success and moral superiority. Those people are fucked.

Those same people probably the The Lovers card is all about finding a soul mate, or at least getting laid. But it isn’t.

The Lovers has popped up today to tell you that it’s high time you started making love – deep, passionate love – to life!

Smell something good today and when you do it, really let that beautiful fragrance penetrate your nose, your mind, your soul. Become one with it.

When you eat your next meal, don’t just stuff your face while you look at your phone, that’s tragic. Instead, let your taste buds worship the food like it’s a hot young gladiator (or whatever your into).

Go for a walk outside and feel the sun on your face, or nips, or whatevs. Notice how the breeze likes to get frisky with your hair, like a flirty nature spirit.

Become a Lover…of life! Don’t just shuffle through your day on autopilot – turn on and tune in. There’s a whole other dimension just waiting for you!

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Be Your Own Cult Leader! (Veronica’s Tarot advice)

Guess what? After a 2 year hiatus, My evil twin Veronica is baaaaack! And she has everything I don’t….copious cleavage, hordes of cute guys trailing after her and a hankering for day drinking. She’s here to ejaculate some sass and giggle into your day with her Tarot “wisdom” and terrible life advice.

Cosmic Tarot

Last night while my good twin Kate was doing yoga and drinking water and I was on the couch, slamming margaritas and yelling at the TV, I had an epiphany….

For the last few months the media has been telling me all kinds of important, need-to-know things. Like what I’m supposed to be afraid of, who I’m supposed to hate, what I’m supposed to be angry about and what I’m supposed to be worried about.

Which is all well and good, but…I wasn’t cut out to be cult member.

I’d rather be a cult leader. But I don’t want the responsibility.

Soooooo…..I’ve decided to start my very own, super exclusive cult, where I’m the only one whose allowed to join. Sorry guys.

Jealous? Don’t be. It’s high time you did the same.

The laser focused gaze of The Magician sees right through you and he sees your potential. He says “start your own cult….a cult of one – you!” 

Imagine being both the charismatic leader AND the sole follower. It’s like a weird form of masturbation, right? Love it!

First step: define your own version of utopia. If you don’t do it, mainstream society will do it for you and guess what? That utopia SUCKS!

Once you have a clear idea of the world you’d like to inhabit, you are one step closer to creating that world. It’s like vision boarding, but for cool people.

In the comments below, tell me 3 things that your utopia includes. (Mine includes tree houses, creative freedom and orgies. I don’t need much.)

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Veronica needs you!

Veronica Noir is my evil Tarot reading twin. Man-eater by night, day drinker by day, Tarot reader on Fridays. She’s hear to ejaculate some spice and deviousness into your life!

the devil tarot card
Crystal Visions Tarot

I’m going to be straight up with you. I’m burnt out. I’m exhausted. I’m all out of bitchy things to say.

Today I drew a card and all I could think was I need a fucking nap.

So I’m going to turn it over to you, Tarot reading star!

When you look at The Devil, what do you see? What advice do you have for me…and for anyone else reading this post?

Please share your advice in the comments below!

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Social Etiquette: Veronica style

Veronica is my evil twin/alter ego and queen of Tarot. She has everything I don’t….copious cleavage, hordes of boy toys trailing after her and a hankering for day drinking. The only thing I have in common with her is we both write about Tarot for this blog!

eight of swords

Dame Darcy Tarot

Have you ever found yourself at a dinner party, seated next to someone who just won’t shut the fuck up?

You sit there all polite and quiet, listening to them drone on and on about their gluten sensitivity and talented grandchildren….

All the while resenting every minute and frantically looking for an escape. But they are not your jailer. Your misplaced sense of politeness is.

Then, after an evening of storing up all your anger, you get home to your loving spouse and viciously tear into him for leaving a dirty fork on the counter!

Here’s the thing – your politeness is like money, it isn’t limitless. So don’t go squandering all your nicey niceness on boring people who suck. Save it for those who matter.

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Was someone mean to you? Veronica to the rescue!

Veronica is my badass rebel twin sister who doesn’t take it lying down. She writes smut, astral travels, knows how to fly and eats cute boys for breakfast. And oh yeah, she reads Tarot too…

Anna K Tarot

Not sure what’s going on this week (Mercury retrograde?) but the assholes are coming out of the woodwork, sending me mean emails and leaving nasty comments on my blog.

Here’s a sampling of the fan mail I’ve received this week…

“You are a horrible human being. I don’t believe in you or anything you’re selling. Blessed be.”

“You spelled ‘their’ wrong again, you dumb c*nt. It’s ‘their” not ‘they’re’.

And my personal favorite…

“You could have been a hero but instead you are a zero.”

At least that one rhymed!

Maybe you can relate. Maybe you have a “customer service” job where you take crap from people ALL DAY LONG.

Or maybe you’re just sick of mean people being mean.

Do you wanna know what Veronica did? She met up with some friends for coffee, read these mean emails out loud and they all laughed. Oh how they laughed!

So…. I want to know….what was the last ridiculously mean thing someone said to you? Tell me in the comments below and we will have a good laugh about it together 🙂

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Veronica needs your help!

Sooooo….Veronica totally dropped the ball today. She forgot to do a reading. She was too busy smoking weed and watching ASMR videos on YouTube last night. I know, I know, I’m just as disgusted with her as you are!

So just for some crazy fun, I decided to post a Tarot card and let YOU interpret it like you think Veronica would. So take a deep breath, flex your fingers, saddle up to the keyboard and do your best Veronica impression…

Here is the 6 of Rods (or Wands) from the Anna K Tarot….

Anna K Tarot

Please post your interpretation in the comments below 🙂

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Veronica’s Oscar Picks

Veronica is my nefarious Tarot reading twin. At night she slinks through the streets under the cover of darkness, hunting for young, unsuspecting man-meat. By daylight she naps, writes filth and eats bon bons. But on Fridays, she reads Tarot – for you, right here…

Rider Waite Tarot

The Hermit has hobbled into your life today to tell you one thing and one thing only….

“Be a trailblazer and decide for yourself what’s good. Don’t rely on others to tell you. They have terrible taste.”

So the Oscars happened last week. Or was it the week before? I don’t know because I didn’t watch…I’m way too cool for stuff like that.

But do you notice how year after year awards are dished out to depressing films about being miserable?

Yeah. Avoid that shit.

That’s why I’m giving you my list of Oscar picks. These films were never actually nominated for an Oscar. But they should have been. And would have been if this were a sane world…


One of the campiest, most memorable movies to come out of the 90’s was Showgirls. If you haven’t seen it yet, you’re missing out. Of course those stuffed shirt critics panned it, but what do they know? Nothing.

Basic Instinct

This is your classic 90’s femme fatale movie starring Michael Douglas as a helpless man victim. Women in 90’s movies were always taking advantage of Michael Douglas for some reason.

Elvira: Mistress of the Dark

This movie is a classic! I remember making my babysitter watch this one probably 50 times. Sadly, at that time I didn’t realize this movie was a comedy. I thought it was a horror movie. Oh to be seven years old again!


Haunting Desires

You probably haven’t heard of this little known art-house film. It’s about a strip bar run by vampires and a perverted homicide detective who dresses like Dick Tracy. I bought the DVD at my friend’s garage sale and have since given it to my other friend as a wedding gift. I kind of got the vibe that this film was shot with one of those home movie camera’s that annoying dads carried around in the late 80’s. But it only ups the camp.


Any of the 10 Step Up movies

I didn’t realize there were so many Step Up movies until last week when I was day-drunk, scrolling through Netflix. My favorite part about these movies is that they don’t make you think. You can get up for a pee and not worry about pressing pause. You can eat popcorn and it doesn’t matter if the crunch crunch sound drowns out the “dialogue”. A masterpiece indeed…


So now I want to know…

what are your favorite movies of all time (that no one else liked)?

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Veronica’s tip for making resolutions stick

Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that’s perfect for lazy winter afternoons. While some people are helping the homeless this holiday season, Veronica is buying herself sex toys and eating caramels for breakfast…can you believe it?!

Linestrider Tarot

So it’s New Year’s eve eve today and you’re probably thinking up some ridiculously un-fun resolutions.

Like losing weight, saving money or being less slutty.

Don’t. Just don’t.

Instead, make a resolution to meet your inner alter ego and buy my new workbook Your Alter Ego Revealed!

If that’s not a dead-sexy New Years resolution, then I don’t know what is!

But here’s the thing with resolutions: don’t resolve to do something that you don’t actually want to do.

Too many twits make resolutions because they want the results of those resolutions.

Like getting up at 6am every morning to run five miles and drink a kale smoothie. Sure, you might look slightly hotter after a year of doing this, but you will also have just spent a year getting up at 6am to do unpleasant things.

Make the journey as pleasurable as the destination and you’ll be cooking with gas!

Okay, so that said, here’s my 2017 resolutions…

  1. Make time to nap every day. Every single day.
  2. Drink more red wine (for the antioxidants, obviously).
  3. Spend less time on celebrity gossip sites and more time painting scandalous ladies!

What are YOUR 2017 resolutions? Tell me now……

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Veronica’s homemade gift guide

veronica 2

International Woman of Leisure by day, whipcracking Tarot Reader by night! Veronica is my evil twin and she’s here to give you some practical gift giving tips, while coming off as incredibly shallow and

ace of wands robin wood
Robin Wood Tarot

So today’s Tarot card is Ace of Wands – take a gooood look at it….

And instead of writing about dicks, I’m going to talk about crafts. That’s right – crafts.

The Ace of Wands is all about getting inspired and creating stuff. So get your ass down to your local craft shop, like right this f*cking minute.

I love shopping at Micheals because I am always the sexiest person in there…and that’s not saying much.


This Christmas don’t go to the shitty mall to buy gifts – that place sucks. Make your own. Be self sufficient for once.

Here is my ultimate homemade Christmas gift list – for ALL the nimwits on your list this year:

The Stressed out Mom or Workaholic

Everyone knows someone who gives too much or works too much and never relaxes. It’s an illness. This person needs aromatherapy bath salts. Will they actually take some time out for a hot bath and use these? No. But that’s their fucking problem.


Ingredients: Epsom Salts (Costco has huge containers of this really cheap), essential oils of choice, glass mason jars, ribbons and that kind of shit.

  1. fill a large bowl with salts, add essential oils and mix. I usually just freestyle it, but you can probably find exact recipes online. Figure it out.
  2. Put smelly salts into mason jars and decorate with ribbons and bows. Voila!

Your Boss

Let’s be honest – your micromanaging boss probably doesn’t even deserve a gift from you this year. So have fun with this and make him an expressive collage painting.

Cut out pics of tampons and celebs from magazines and crazy personal ads in the back of the paper and paste them onto a piece of cardboard along with bits of  fabric and colored papers. Smear some paint around it and insist he hang it in his office.

This gift works great for inlaws, too.

The Cool Person in your life

It could be a lover, a best friend or even yourself. This person deserves something edgy and unique, something that NO ONE ELSE will ever buy them.

They deserve the Veronica Noir workbook Your Alter Ego Revealed!

Packed with funsheets, quizzes and delightful drawings of cats, feather boas, cupcakes and of course me, Veronica! Part coloring book, part playbook, part journal, this will make the perfect gift for anyone on your list who isn’t a major douche.

*Update: this workbook is no longer available (sorry!)


Who doesn’t like to stuff their faces with tasty treats? Well, anorexics and health freaks – so give them the bath salts.

A tin of homemade cookies is a classic gift. Use GMO flour and refined sugar for the people you secretly hate but still need to give a gift to for social reasons.

And if you’re really lazy, just stuff the tins with storebought cookies. Fuck it.

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