The Worst Kind of Person

4 Comments / Uncategorized / /

Veronica Noir is my deeply disturbed, Tarot reading twin. She is here to spice up your life with her bad advice…

Osho Zen Tarot

You know what disturbs me more than anything?

More than fascism, more than ice cream cakes and even more than texting?

People who get up early…on purpose.

Do you ever notice how these people are always more productive, happy and successful than you?

They are also more annoying and unlikeable.

In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever met an early riser I didn’t clash with. They always seem to be hardworking, dependable and polite – the worst type of person!

So if you want to avoid turning into one of these assholes, start brushing up on your sleeping in skills!

The Art of the Sleep In (in 4 easy steps!)

  1. Stay up ridiculously late, doing something frivolous like watching make-up tutorials on YouTube or fapping to pics of hot guys with kittens.
  2. Consume vast quantities of drugs and alcohol. Martinis and weed work nicely for me. But if you’re “in recovery” or just not into the drugs and booze scene, make yourself a big mug of Sleepytime tea and hit that shit hard!
  3. Get your snack on. Cheese, chips, cookies, you name it. Eating late is hard on your liver because it overloads it with glucose right when it’s trying to rest. This creates a sluggish, lazy effect on your body which helps you sleep in later. You’re welcome!
  4. Don’t set an alarm. Alarms are for try-hards with careers and responsibilities. You’re cooler than that, right? RIGHT?

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2 steps to creating more “me time”

May 2017, Veronica Noir / /

My evil twin Veronica is here to give you a Tarot reading. Only one card though, this bitch is busy….

Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin

Right now I’m obsessed with creating space.

I’ve been clearing clutter, chucking shit out and making more room for….empty space!

And I’m not just clearing physical clutter, I’m clearing time clutter.

You know what I mean.

What eats up most of your time? Is it your career, your family, your sexually insatiable boy toy? Checking email? Waxing your crack? Looking at your FUCKING PHONE?

Before you turf anything (or anyone!), consult my handy dandy checklist:

  1. How much pleasure does this bring me? (On a scale of 1-10)
  2. How necessary is it? (1-10)

Now it’s time to cross analyze. Things that scored highly in both areas clearly need to remain in your life. Things that scored 8 or higher on the necessary scale but low on the pleasure scale need to be reconsidered….

How necessary are they really?

And now your thinking but what does all this crap have to do with the Eight of Pentacles?

Clearing time clutter is hard work and not for the faint of heart. Refusing to help your child with his math homework so you can have more “me time” will be heart wrenching for you. Be strong!

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Transform yourself….without all the hard work!

2 Comments / May 2017, Veronica Noir / /

International Woman of Leisure by day, whipcracking Tarot Reader by night! Veronica is my evil twin and she took a quick break from eating bon bons to write you this tidbit of tasty advice….so take it!

hezicos-tarot-death

Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin

Everyone wants “transformation”!

If you’ve ever been to a website about weight loss, new agey stuff, spiritual stuff or life coaching, you will see the word “transformation” splattered all over it, like seagull crap on a pier.

But what IS “transformation”? Simple answer: DEATH!

Oh, so you want to “transform” your life? No, you want your old self to die.

Do you want to “transform” your thinking? No, you want to murder your negative thoughts.

So why does everyone go around saying “blah blah blah, transformational, blah blah, bullshit, bullshit, blab”?

Because Death is the low effort option, whereas Transformation sounds like a lot of exhausting, hard work, which most average dumbfucks looooove. Or at least love to talk about.

So this weekend, ask yourself: “what old habits would l like to lay to rest?”

OR “what part of my life would l like to have a mini funeral for?”

OR “what aspects of myself would l like to violently shank to death and then forcibly reincarnate as something entirely different?” oh, wait, that sounds more like “transformation”. Nevermind!

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3 Tarot Exercises to Reveal the REAL you!

May 2017, Tarot Tips / /

The one thing I love, love, love about Tarot is that it’s an amazing tool for self exploration.

And you know what? I feel like I’m always saying “tool” when I’m describing Tarot. I must find a better word.

Okay, moving on…

There’s nothing I love more than diving into my Tarot cards and using them to explore one of my favorite topics – meeeeee!

I’ve rounded up my 3 favorite Tarot exercises that will help you make some surprising discoveries about yourself.

 

What Do You REALLY Want?

Think you know what you want in life? Well think again!

Robin Wood Tarot

I used to think I wanted money and success (very original, I know). But it turns out I just want to laze around all day and read books and stuff.

And I would never have known that about myself if I hadn’t done this exercise.

In this 3 step process, I will take you deep into the heart of who you really are and what you are really wanting out of life.

Are you ready?

Try this exercise!

 

shadow-ornament

Decode Your Celebrity Obsessions With Tarot!

We're all powerfully drawn to certain people - whether they're celebrities, fictional characters, public figures or "real" (yet super sexy) people in our everyday lives.

Bond, James Bond

But did you know that the type of person you admire and/or lust after can tell you something about yourself? Something secret, something deep, something juicy....

Find out NOW! Do this Tarot exercise!

 

shadow-ornament

Those Tarot Cards You NEVER Get?...They Mean Something!

Dame Darcy Tarot

We're all so focused on the cards in front of us and what they might mean, but did you ever wonder about the cards that hardly ever show up in your readings?

In my opinion, the cards that DON'T show up in your readings can be just as telling as the ones that DO.

This Tarot exercise helps you take a look at those conspicuously absent cards!

Try this exercise!

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Hard work is the new c-word

14 Comments / April 2017, Veronica Noir / /

Veronica is my evil Tarot reading twin. She lives life on her own terms and quite frankly it scares the crap out of me. Drinking before 4pm, seducing men under 25 and reading Tarot like a smutty Harlequin romance. Here’s Veronica…

the-empress-tarot-card-meaning
Rider Waite Tarot

If you want to regret something, work hard all the time.

There are many unoriginal hacks out there who like to expound the virtues of hard work.

And do you know what I say to that? BO-RING!

Anyone can work hard. Except lazy people.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to tell you to “work smart”…..that’s dumb too!

What I will tell you to do is this: work hard for a brief period of time and then reap the rewards!

Most people can’t do this though. They get addicted to hard work like it’s crack. They feel like they’re being good, useful people when they work hard. Then they can look down their nose at everyone else.

I once worked in a “corporate culture” and one time during an employee engagement meeting, this ass wipe named Colin* was all like “la di da, look how hard I’m working. Ooooh, I’m working so much harder than everyone else. I always give 110%”

I said “shut the fuck up Colin. 110% is impossible – it’s a mathematical lie. Don’t be an overachiever, you twat!”

I no longer work there, but my point is this….

There’s nothing wrong with working hard at something you truly love and care about. But for God’s sake, take a tea break and put your feet up and enjoy the fruits of your labor (like The Empress, above).

There is nothing worse than working hard for the sake of hard work.

So tell me….what will you NOT be working hard at this weekend????

*His real name

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