December 2017

My evil twin Veronica is back. And she’s been attending Christmas parties, drinking to excess, judging people, shit-talking others and flirting inappropriately. Who better to give you some good, old fashioned Tarot advice?

The other day I attended a Christmas party where I was subjected to multiple people talking endlessly about themselves.

During one of these “conversations” I smiled and nodded with feigned interest as this lady told me a detailed story about the NYC bus schedule when she lived there three years ago. And then about her last vacation and everything she did every moment of every single day. She went on, and on and on….

I waited patiently for my reward for all this suffering – a chance to finally talk about ME! But sadly, this chance never came.

The “conversations” that followed weren’t much better. I heard all about peoples  “6 figure” incomes, real estate investments, vacation plans, babies, grandchildren and allergies.

And this got me thinking….

I seem to possess the superhuman power of awareness that although my life is fascinating to me, it’s not as fascinating to others. Thus, I do not drone on insufferably about the minutiae of my life.

And guess what else?

I ask people questions about themselves. I pretend to give a shit. Sometimes I actually DO give a shit.

But from here on out…NO MORE! I’ve tallied up all the hours spent listening to people wax on about themselves. According to my calculations, I’ve spent over 40,000 hours humoring others. That’s almost 5 years straight of nodding and smiling.

So for the next 5 years (at least) I’m going to attempt to correct this imbalance by talking endlessly about myself every chance I get! Cats I like, hot guys that go to my gym, dirty books I’m reading, teen dramas I’m binging on Netflix – all things I can easily drone on about at my next party! Fuck, I can’t wait!

But I want to know…who are you in this story? The gifted conversationalist or the self-obsessed blabbermouth? (Don’t worry…there’s  no judgement here. Ya right!)

Side note: People who boast about making “6 figures” need to fuck off already. And people who ask “are you making 6 figures yet?” need to fuck off twice as hard.