Veronica Noir

Why Morons Love Summer

1 Comment / July 2016, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2Veronica is my rude, bitchy, diabolical twin. She reads Tarot, swears like a sailor and like all dysfunctional people, she loves to give advice….

the moon anna k

Anna K Tarot

Finally, after the seemingly endless blaze of the Sun, we get the cool relief of darkness, illuminated by a scanty sliver of silver moonlight…..

The Moon encourages introspection. It is time for you to go within. The sun is loved by morons everywhere because its big, bright and fucking yellow.

The sun allows you to get distracted by everything, and live a life outside of yourself. The Moon doesn’t stand for that shit…

It’s harder to get distracted when you’re immersed in darkness. But the milky glow of the lunar sphere gives you just enough light to lead you back home to yourself.

Crazy-ass dreams are in the realm of The Moon – so pay attention to them! Don’t be one of those dicks who says “it’s just a dream.” Um, no it’s not. It’s a fucking magical vision, so have some respect!

Write it down, contemplate, explore, ask yourself some deep questions. Don’t just roll out of bed and pitter patter off to the beach to scope out cute boys and drink peach cider out of a thermos. Well, do that, but write down your dream first.

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Why Forgiveness is Totally Stupid

2 Comments / July 2016, Veronica Noir / /

Veronica is my evil twin sister and voracious Tarot reader. Penning smut by day and vamping about the streets at night. This booze swilling “lady” won’t quit until she’s had her fill of thrills, peanut butter ice cream and younger men. Let’s see what slutty wisdom she’s rolled out for you today…

3 swords

Intuitive Tarot by Cilla Conway

The other day I was sitting on the beach, reading Star magazine and sipping Margarita out of my stainless steel thermos, when two seagulls started to scrap!

This one seagull was a total dick, brutally attacking the other seagull and stealing his starfish. It was quite a scene.

But then like 20 seconds later, I spy these same two seagulls sitting side by side like lovers, watching the waves crash against the shore.

WTF? I thought

My good twin Kate said “wow, isn’t the capacity for forgiveness in the animal kingdom just amazing?”

And I said “no, they’re just really dumb. They don’t remember.”

Because Seagulls don’t have big, clunky human brains they lack the capacity to ruminate and stew about the shitty behavior of others. Lucky bastards.

So the message is this: you can either be an intelligent, grudge-holding, miserable mess or dumb and blissful.

No, you can’t be smart and happy – don’t be a greedy bitch!

So get to work and start putting your attention where it belongs….on dumbing yourself down.

You can start by reading Star magazine for a minimum one hour a day – that’s been working for me ????

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Empathy doesn’t equal dipshit

9 Comments / July 2016, Veronica Noir / /

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Veronica Noir is my batshit crazy twin sister. She is just like me except she’s brilliant, has no sense of guilt or shame, speaks her mind and does whatever she wants, when she wants! Kind of like a psychopath….but with a heart of gold. Oh, and she also reads Tarot…

Queen of cups 2

Housewives Tarot

It’s okay to care about other people….

But don’t care about what they think of you.

Now reread that phrase because it’s important!

You can be a kind, caring, boring person AND go about your day without ever giving a flying fuck what other people think of you.

The Queen of Cups over here knows this shit. She knows it well.

She is compassionate, nurturing and really does care about people. But she sure as hell isn’t going to self-censor and pussy foot around town trying to be all P.C. and fit into the woodwork.

No. She lives her life her way and does it without feeling all guilty and shit.

Be like this Queen today and don’t make the mistake that you’ve probably been making all your life….telling yourself that you’re helping others by caring about what they think of you.

You’re not. You’re just failing to inspire them to live life on their own terms.

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Cheap thrills or Highbrow boredom?

2 Comments / July 2016, Veronica Noir / /

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Happy Friday! My evil, Tarot reading twin Veronica is here to tell you how to live your life. Seductress by night, Lady of Leisure by day, Veronica’s loves include gossiping about other people, judging other people, daytime drinking and sorting the recycling ALL WRONG!!!! Let’s see what advice she has for us today….

The Linestrider Tarot

by Siolo Thompson

Decisions, decisions! That is what the Two of Swords is all about.

Should you lay in your hammock and read War and Peace or some trashy Jackie Collins novel?

Do you make fillet mignon for dinner or eat a bag of chips and a Bloody Mary?

Will you watch The English Patient tonight or The Bachelorette?

Should you hump your banker or the pool boy? Or both?!

Sometimes it’s nice to take the path of least resistance. Great conversations, quality food and well written literature don’t always hit the spot.

Once in a while you need to slum it and consume some trash! So before you run off to read some boring Pulitzer prize winning novel “make love” to a scientist or something lame, make sure you ask yourself “is this really what I want right now?”

….your answer may disgust you!

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Busyness = Madness

2 Comments / June 2016, Veronica Noir / /

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My evil twin Veronica just got a new Tarot deck today – The Linestrider Tarot – and she’s doing her very first reading with it just for you today, you lucky thing you!

three of pents
Linestrider Tarot by Siolo Thompson

There’s a fine line between meaningful activity and foolish busy-ness. Today, you’re walking that line like a tightrope!

Even I, mistress Veronica, get tired of lazing around in a hammock all day long and need to balance out the leisure with some productivity.

However, one must take the utmost of caution to not become overly productive only for the sake of being busy, for this would be pure madness!

Remember when you were little and your mom would throw you outside and shout “now run around until you’re tired!” and then lock the door?

Some of us haven’t grown up yet and were still trying to run around in an attempt to exhaust ourselves. Why? I’ll never know.

Wait, I do know. Busyness is the new purity. Pious peeps used to take chastity vows and wear hair shirts but now they just sign up for carpools and shop a lot, leaving little time for sinfulness.

But the Three of Pentacles isn’t about busy-ness, it’s about activity that enriches you – the perfect antidote to busyness for people who are scared of hammocks 😉

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Unleash Your Inner Drag Queen

1 Comment / June 2016, Veronica Noir / /

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It’s Friday! Time for my evil twin sister Veronica to spew her ridiculous ideas all over my blog. When she isn’t here dishing out bad advice she’s rolling around on a pink satin bed full of kittens and hot men….

ace of wands
78 Nautical Tarot

Today’s Tarot card is the Ace of Wands and it features a big long stick held by an undead drag queen. So the message is pretty clear…time to inseminate your life with fabulousness.

Take a quick look around you and be honest. On a scale of 1-10 how “fabulous” are your surroundings?

Are you in a cubicle right now? Then it’s a 1. Do you have beige carpets and boring-ass venetian blinds? Are you wearing jogging pants….fuuuuuck! I hope not.

“But how am I supposed to ejaculate fabulousness all over my life?” I hear you whining. Pull up your brown polyester socks and get creative for once.

Adorn your desk with bright fuschia roses stolen from the neighbour’s lawn, enjoy a nude picnic in your backyard, get drunk and then attend a poetry reading – you get the idea.

Bust out of your comfort zone for once! Do something a little wild and don’t think twice 😉

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Is your life constipated?

7 Comments / June 2016, Veronica Noir / /

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Veronica is my evil, Tarot reading twin. When she’s not writing for this blog, she’s out boozing and cruising for sweet young things and tapping out smut on her laptop! Oh, and she doesn’t give two shits about spelling things correctly, so don’t go emailing her about how she shouldn’t start a sentence with “and” or “but”….

knight of pents

Crystal Visions Tarot

The Knight of Pentacles is an incredibly practical man. He thinks things through.

But he’s also a boring, constipated, stuffed shirt who has no idea how to enjoy himself or move forward with his life.

The message he brings you is this….

“How are you being overly cautious in your life?”

There is nothing wrong with taking your time to think things through.

But overly planning things and being extra careful only work if we’re talking about birth control. Otherwise, it just sucks the magic out of daily life!

And here’s the thing – you were born naturally spontaneous and trusting in life. But then jerkoffs like your parents and evil robot school teachers instilled doubt in you by saying stuff like “without math 12 you will go nowhere!” and “you need to start saving for retirement now if you want to retire by age 80.”

Suddenly the world is a terrifying and cruel place, designed to break you and cause you misery.

Now I got off on a tangent…but what I want to tell you is that’s crap – pure and simple. The world is full of wonderful things – just think how many shrimp cocktails, cute boys and kitten videos exist right now.

I know, right?!

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“Self Love”: Not Just a Euphemism for Masturbation

4 Comments / May 2016, Veronica Noir / /

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Veronica is my evil, Tarot reading twin. She loves to write smut, travel the world and sun-tan topless in inappropriate places. Today she decided to recycle one of her readings from last year because deep down she just knows you’re too blitzed to notice…

The Star

Housewives Tarot

You know what? You’re a STAR!

Why? You just are!

Now it’s time to celebrate yourself.

But not in a lame, sissy-pants way like taking a bubble bath or eating a piece of chocolate cake.

You should be doing that stuff anyway – as a regular  part of life.

Celebrate by taking yourself on a hot date.

Treat yourself to an exquisite lunch. Order copious amounts of champagne and things containing dairy, gluten and refined sugar – but wear one of those fancy-lady scarves so you can strategically camouflage your gut as you bask in hedonistic splendor!

Make sure you arm yourself with today’s newspaper and while your waiting for your food, scrawl a Hitler stash on everyone you don’t like the looks of. This will provide you with hours of divine amusement and laughter!

Ahhh, this is what “self-love” really feels like.

Tell me….how will you celebrate YOU this weekend?

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Being “nice”: the biggest sin of all

May 2016, Veronica Noir / /

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International Woman of Leisure by day, whipcracking Dominatrix by night! Veronica is my evil twin and she took a quick break from eating bon bons to write you this tidbit of tasty advice. So listen up and take notes!

Fairytale Tarot by Karen Mahony
Fairytale Tarot by Karen Mahony

Everyone loves a demanding bitch and don’t let any mamsy pamsy, pastel sweater wearer tell you otherwise.

Deluded people everywhere will say they just want to find a nice man or woman, but they don’t. They secretly long for a demanding jerk who will tell them what’s what.

Never underestimate the allure of a woman who knows what she wants and isn’t afraid to ask, or better yet demand!

Possibly the most heartbreaking moment in my entire life was when someone wrote “I think you’re really nice” on a farewell card for me. I was crushed. Where had I gone wrong?

So if you’re they type of person who doesn’t say anything when your in a restaurant and there’s a window open and it’s blowing a freezing cold breeze on your dainty toes…start speaking up and bitching about it.

If you’re the type of person who says “I’m good with whatever you want to do,” for fucksakes, STOP IT!!!! No one likes a wishy washy opinionless twat.

This weekend, say what you want. Bitch about something. Demand something. Have an opinion. And then sit back and watch as hot men everywhere fall at your feet.

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Get Wise, Not Smart!

8 Comments / May 2016, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2Veronica is my evil twin and alter ego and she apologizes for being dreadfully late with today’s reading. She was busy having her toes painted aquamarine by one of her boy toys and she totally forgot about you. Don’t take it personally!

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Vintage Wisdom Oracle by Victoria Moseley

 It’s time for you to wise up already and start using your wisdom for once.

No, not your “intelligence” – that’s boring and overrated. Wisdom is a whole different ball game!

Choosing to make a waldorf salad the night before a potluck baby shower, so you don’t have to waste your saturday morning chopping apples, is intelligence. But skipping the dreaded baby shower altogether so you can frolick on your balcony with your latest boy toy is Wisdom.

Deciding to cut sugar out of your diet because you know it’s bad for you is intelligent. But strategically planning on replacing your sugar binges with explosive orgasms is wise. 

So stop trying to be so intelligent all the time and start embracing your wisdom!

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