Search Results for: veronica

3 Grade A Ways to Chill Out

3 Comments / January 2017, Veronica Noir / /

Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that will change your life! Tarot Reader by day, martini swiller by night, this domineering vixen is here for one reason….to tell you how to live your life.

Housewives Tarot

Your TV is like an electronic dictator in your own home that distracts and brainwashes you…worse than organized religion and the education system combined!

If you got rid of your TV you would be more creative, free and blissful. Trust me.

But you’re used to TV. You’ve always had one blaring in the background of your life. It’s become a creature comfort, a beacon of familiarity.

Without TV, how can you properly “veg out”? What will you snuggle up to after a long day of smiling and pretending to care?

As a proponent of the leisure and pleasure filled lifestyle, I understand your concern. It’s a valid one. So here are my top 3 TV alternatives for chilling out:

  1. Stick those glow in the dark stars all over your ceiling and lie in a sleeping bag on your floor and stare at them. Booze helps.

2. Set up a hammock in your living room and put on some Reggae. Weed helps.

3. Curl up on the couch with a heating pad and something smutty on your Kindle. Hot chocolate helps.

Okay, now I’m off to watch some shit on Netflix.

Oh shut up. It’s Netflix, not TV. It doesn’t even count!

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It’s time to reinvent yourself…so listen up!

January 2017, Veronica Noir / /

Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that will change your life! Tarot Reader by day, erotic fiction writer by night, this domineering vixen is here for one reason….to tell you how to live your life.

Universal Waite Tarot

Do you know someone who is always reinventing themselves?

One minute they’re a total asshole, next minute they’re all into yoga and recycling? But still an asshole.

Or maybe you’ve had the experience of being all like “I love gardening, animals and crafting” but six months later you’re like “fuck that. Now I’m into tanning beds, slot machines and Tinder.”

We’re fickle bitches and we change like the seasons. And that is A-Okay.

You’re a spiritual being here for an experience and you can’t experience much if you just do the same old crap day in, day out.

Sometimes your regular hobbies, routines, social life and job can feel like old, worn out, unhip clothes. Time for a new wardrobe!

This weekend, do something out of character. Do something fresh, something unexpected. If you normally go to art galleries and museums, hit up the casino! If you usually get drunk and watch porn, bake bran muffins and read some poetry.

But most importantly….have fun!

It’s time to reinvent yourself…so listen up! Read More »

Want success? Indulge your evil side…

4 Comments / January 2017, Veronica Noir / /

Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that’s perfect for lazy winter afternoons. Let’s see what terrible advice she has for you today…

the-chariot-tarot-card-meaning
Rider Waite Tarot

North American culture is obsessed with goal setting and achieving shit, which is what The Chariot represents – moving forward, upward and onward. Yay!

There’s just one tiny problem: what happens if only part of you wants success but another part longs for pure sloth and debauchery?

My good twin Kate sets her alarm for 8am every morning. But when it goes off, I am seduced by the siren song of my warm, comfy bed that whispers “noooo….staaaayyyyyy! Just 5 min…” which turn into two hours and then the day’s pretty much shot.

Part of you wants to eat healthy but the other part wants red wine, cheese, chips and chocolate. Part of you wants to save for retirement but the other part wants to go on lavish vacations and buy fancy chai lattes everyday.

Unless you can get both selves on board, you’re pretty much fucked and will go nowhere in life.

So how do you do this? Easy. Don’t deny you’re “evil” side – tempt it.

Tell yourself things like if I get up at 8am and go for a run and eat healthy all week, I get to lay in bed all day on Saturday and eat cookies for breakfast…guilt free.

OR

If I work hard today and get all my tasks done, I will indulge in a feisty gossip sesh with a friend in the evening.

There’s no use trying to be perfect….so just give up now!

Want success? Indulge your evil side… Read More »

Spending Christmas alone? I envy you.

9 Comments / December 2016, Veronica Noir / /

Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that’s perfect for lazy winter afternoons.

The Housewives Tarot

Christmas is upon us… so batten down the hatches and pour yourself a stiff one!

For some this is a time of giving, generosity and helping the needy.

For others it’s a time of buying oneself lavish gifts and rolling around naked in a sea of bubble wrap. Or maybe that’s just me?

But for most people, this holiday is about boring visits with in-laws and distant relatives you don’t give a shit about. Well, at least you can get drunk.

A few years ago I spent Christmas alone. I slept in, ate a box of chocolate seashells for breakfast, watched 21 Jump Street and did go-go dance aerobics dvds. It was the perfect day.

So if you’re spending Christmas alone this weekend, don’t fall prey to all those sappy do-gooders who invite you to their Christmas dinner out of pity. Bleh! You know what to do…

Spending Christmas alone? I envy you. Read More »

The dark side of clearing clutter

1 Comment / December 2016, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2

Veronica Noir is my alter ego – a sexier, bitchier, more daring version of myself. On Fridays I give this tramp free reign over my blog. Let’s see what raunchy advice she’s cooked up for us today….

clearing
Self Card Cards by Cheryl Richardson

Just when you are deep in the throes of Christmas shopping and accumulating even more crap you don’t need, this card pops up and says “let go, clear the clutter”

But before you go on an inspired rampage throwing out your boring clothes and all the stupid candle holders and Jillian Michaels DVDs and shit, stop and think for a sec….

How did you end up with all this lame stuff in the first place?

If you’re one of those people who eats junk all year and then goes on a “cleanse” in January, listen up.

How about just stop putting crap in your body? Stop buying stuff you don’t really need! Then you won’t need to clear clutter or cleanse. I mean jeeeeeez!

Okay, now I’m off to the interwebs to buy myself a rotating star projector , at least three blonde wigs and a bunch of sex books.

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Bad advice, as usual…or is it?

6 Comments / December 2016, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2

Veronica is a free spirited tramp who loves to eavesdrop in coffee shops, lead young men astray and of course…read Tarot! Since she’s my evil twin/alter ego, I let her spew her mystical ramblings every Friday on my blog…

five of wands tarot card
Tarot of the Pagan Cats

The Tarot card of the day is the Five of Wands – a card that foretells arguing, scuffles and petty competition. Fun stuff!

An argument may break out in the work lunchroom today…enjoy it!

Someone may try to one up you by trying to do something way better than you can. Let them huff and puff, who gives a shit.

Your lover may be extra quarrelsome with you this weekend – channel all that energy into hot sex and you’re good to go!

My point is this – don’t try to smooth things over like you usually do. Don’t try to be the whiny voice of reason. You’ll miss out on all the fun.

Instead, be an observer. So sit back and enjoy the shitshow!

Bad advice, as usual…or is it? Read More »

The one question that will change your life

7 Comments / November 2016, Uncategorized, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2

International Woman of Leisure by day, whipcracking Tarot Reader by night! Veronica is my evil twin and she’s here to slap some sense into you. She wrote this reading with her peacock feather pen while sipping a spiked earl grey tea and then made me type it out on my laptop….that bitch…..

cat
Animal Wisdom Tarot by Dawn Brunke

Whenever I’m in a bind I always ask myself WWMCD?

That stands for what would my cat do?

Cats do two things really well:

#1 They are pros at kicking back and relaxing

#2 They couldn’t care less about what you think about them – 0 fucks given.

These are two things you need more of in your life. Trust me.

Who would you be if you acted like a cat? If you could lounge for hours without feeling “guilty”? If everything you did was because it felt good.

Sure you might be a bit of a sociopath, but you’d also be able to let your intuition guide you for once.

And your intuition will probably say things like “skip work today and read dirty novels in the bath” or “fuck herbal tea, let’s go for some vodka and tomato juice”

And that’s okay. Just go with it. See where it takes you…

Just don’t get drunk in the bath…you could die….clutching literary porn.

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Tired of being nice all the time? Read this….

November 2016, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2

International Woman of Leisure by day, whipcracking Tarot Reader by night! Veronica is my evil twin and she took a quick break from eating bon bons to write you this tidbit of tasty advice….so take it!

Housewives Tarot

Do you notice how the “bad boys” get all the love?

And how the nice guys in their pastel turtleneck sweaters fail to set your loins aflame?

What if James Bond became an insurance salesman and stopping killing people and leaping across rooftops?

You would need to re-cast someone else in your sex fantasies.

And if you think this only applies to men and not women your dead wrong. Guys love bitches!

Remember Betty and Veronica? Betty was nice, considerate and…..had no worshipers falling at her feet, unlike Veronica, the mean, cold, selfish one.

So don’t be afraid to be a bit of a dick today. Be a little bit dangerous. Complain about your lukewarm soup! Refuse to donate to that boring charity! Sneer at all the cute boys you see today!

Whatever you do, just don’t be nice, for God’s sake!

Tired of being nice all the time? Read this…. Read More »

The joys of being unproductive

November 2016, Veronica Noir / /

VeronicaVeronica is my evil twin and Tarot reading superstar! She’s been spending these dreary Fall days cooped up with a dirty book, eating leftover Halloween candy….leftover because she refused to answer the door to trick or treaters. Why waste good candy?

tarot of the pagan cats
Tarot of the Pagan Cats

 

You know what isn’t celebrated enough? Unproductivity.

Sure, it’s great to be epically creative and to occupy one’s time with noble activities, BUT…

Being unproductive lets you step out of the rat race and stop destroying the planet for a second.

However….are you unproductive because you’re bored? Or because you like practicing the fine art of leisure?

The cat on the four of cups seems to be saying “fuck thiiiiiissss. I couldn’t give two shits about another golden cup. Bo-ring!”

Boredom lets you know that something is amiss in your life. Being unproductive is your way of refusing to give any more energy to something that sucks.

So don’t apologize to anyone for being useless…you know what you’re doing!

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Why “letting go of the past” is the worst idea….ever!

October 2016, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2Veronica is my evil twin sister and Tarot reading queen. When she isn’t writing for my blog, she’s slinking around being sexy and mysterious and getting into mischief!

clinging-to-the-past
Osho Zen Tarot

The message of this card is clear. Cling to the past with an iron grip because if you don’t what stories will you tell yourself when you’re bored and waiting in the dentist’s office with no one to talk to?

If you don’t cling to the past, what the f*ck are you going to talk about on your next gossip lunch?

There is nothing – I repeat nothing – better than telling a story to a table of “ladies” that sounds like “so I said _____and she was all like _____ and I couldn’t believe it! Then I said….”

If you just let go of the past, what’s left? Inner peace? That’s boring.

Your past provides you with a rich tapestry of bullshitty smalltalk topics from which to draw upon. What would you do without it? Just gaze lovingly into your conversation opponent’s eyes and connect with his soul? UGH!

Halloween Special!(1)

Why “letting go of the past” is the worst idea….ever! Read More »