fridays with veronica

But do you REALLY want to?

2 Comments / September 2015, Veronica Noir / /

VeronicaVeronica is my evil twin/alter ego who reads Tarot on my blog every Friday! She loves guzzling fruity martinis, sleeping in and boycotting reality TV shows – but she hates babies, Wal-Mart and her neighbor’s shop vac.

Dame Darcy Mermaid Tarot
Dame Darcy Mermaid Tarot

Know what’s better than gratitude? Discernment!

Just because something is offered to you, doesn’t mean you have to accept it….or be grateful, for that matter.

I can’t stand the victim mindset of people who say shit like “you’re lucky to even have a job!” especially when the job in question totally sucks.

Here’s an idea – raise the bar and stop accepting things that bring you no excitement whatsoever.

Not everything that comes your way will be wonderful and amazing – most of it will be quite mundane and boring. Learn to say “mrrhhhr……no” to the spirit sinking stuff.

Maybe your friend tells you that you should read some sappy self helpy book. Or maybe you get offered a volunteer job filing paperwork in a dusty basement. Or the dork next door invites you to a neighborhood barbecue where you can mingle with other jerks on your street.

But do you really want to do these things? Do they light your fire? You be the judge!

But do you REALLY want to? Read More »

Why meditate when you could just do nothing?

4 Comments / August 2015, Veronica Noir / /

VeronicaVeronica is my evil twin/alter ego who reads Tarot on my blog every Friday! In between reading Tarot you can find her getting day drunk on her balcony, snoring in a yoga class and on AshleyMadison.com, pretending to be married.

meditate
Ascended Masters Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue

Are you one of those people who think you should meditate, but never seem to get around to it?

Here’s a tip: Meditation is just doing nothing.

Everyone thinks it’s some mystical thing requiring discipline and spirituality. It isn’t.

I would say it’s just like being lazy but it’s so much more than that…..it’s being lazy on purpose!

The reason you’re having trouble meditating is because you’re associating it with monks and jerks who do yoga. Stop it!

Meditation is the ultimate freedom – better than rollerskating with no underpants on or calling in fake-sick to work and staying home to eat chocolate-peanut-butter Coconut Bliss ice cream while watching Vampire Diaries re-runs on Netflix.

Want to meditate more? Start thinking of it as a time when you don’t have to do shit. You don’t even have to think! Which is probably why you watch all those stupid TV shows in the first place! Am I right?

Why meditate when you could just do nothing? Read More »

Get WILD! Veronica style

6 Comments / August 2015, Veronica Noir / /

VeronicaVeronica is my evil twin and Tarot reading superstar! She’s been spending her Summer scoping out hot, gay dudes on the beach (because the only straight dudes seem to be soft, pasty dads) and reading all sorts of low-brow smut. Just the kind of woman you want to take advice from!

the-empress-tarot-card-meaning
Rider Waite Tarot

The Empress is your classic nature-slut who loves the wild, untamed rivers, dense forests and tangly unkempt gardens and she’s hear to say this:

“You’ve been keeping yourself pruned and domesticated for far too long…and it’s high time you went wild!”

For those of you whose idea of “wild” is smashing beer bottles on your head or getting groped at one of those Cancun foam parties…think again.

True wildness happens when you just let things go. You stop maintaining things, letting nature take it’s course. No efforting involved.

Like not mowing your lawn for a year or going braless at a farmer’s market.

Embracing your wildness lets you appreciate who you really are and best of all, it pisses lots of people off – reason enough for me!

So this weekend, how will YOU let yourself go wild? And don’t say “going braless at a farmer’s market” because that’s my idea.

Get WILD! Veronica style Read More »

Success is exhausting….mediocrity is bliss!!!

2 Comments / August 2015, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2

Veronica is a free spirited tramp who loves to eavesdrop in coffee shops, lead young men astray and of course…read Tarot! Since she’s my evil twin/alter ego, I let her spew her mystical ramblings every Friday on my blog…

9 of wands

Success is sweet because once you are high up, you get to look down on everyone.

But then you start to fantasize that everyone’s out to get you, trying to knock you down and stomp on your face.

Success is stressful!

But nothing says zen-bliss like mediocrity. Sometimes its nice to just aim for blandness, middle of the road, average and unimpressive.

Sliding in under the radar is the most underrated, hedonistic pleasure.

“Reach for the stars!” annoying people say.

I like to reach for the glow in the dark stars on my bedroom ceiling that were haphazardly stuck on by the previous resident of my apartment. I know I can reach those!

So my advice for this weekend is this: keep your expectations low and no one gets disappointed!

Success is exhausting….mediocrity is bliss!!! Read More »

Just be yourself! And ruin society…

4 Comments / August 2015, Veronica Noir / /

VeronicaVeronica is my evil twin and alter ego. For some sick reason I let her take over my blog on Fridays so she can spew her opinions, rants and advice. Let’s see what she has to say about the Seven of Swords…

seven of swords
Housewives Tarot

Have you ever been told by some well meaning twit to “just be yourself”?

And did you think “but if I was truly mySELF, I wouldn’t be here doing this stupid shit in the first place.”

So here’s the thing…

No one actually means it when they say “be yourself” – what they really mean is that your current performance of going through the motions of everyday, mind-numbing life is less convincing than it should be.

It’s not enough that you toil away at a meaningless job, suffer monogamy, engage in inane chit chat with others and pay tax, insurance, processing fees, administration fees and licensing fees.

You must do this with genuine enthusiasm! Or at least convince others that you are genuine.

Nothing brings the morale down like someone who just can’t be bothered to pretend anymore.

So what if you actually did start acting more like your real self? What would it look like? What would you stop doing? What would you start doing? And best of all….how would it mercilessly shred the fabric of society?

Just be yourself! And ruin society… Read More »

Why forgiveness is totally stupid…

4 Comments / August 2015, Veronica Noir / /

VeronicaVeronica is my evil twin sister and voracious Tarot reader. Penning smut by day and vamping about the streets at night. This booze swilling “lady” won’t quit until she’s had her fill of thrills, peanut butter ice cream and younger men. Let’s see what slutty wisdom she’s rolled out for you today…

3 swords
Intuitive Tarot by Cilla Conway

The other day I was sitting on the beach, reading Star magazine and sipping Margarita out of my stainless steel thermos, when two seagulls started to scrap!

This one seagull was a total dick, brutally attacking the other seagull and stealing his starfish. It was quite a scene.

But then like 20 seconds later, I spy these same two seagulls sitting side by side like lovers, watching the waves crash against the shore.

WTF? I thought

My good twin Kate said “wow, isn’t the capacity for forgiveness in the animal kingdom just amazing?”

And I said “no, they’re just really dumb. They don’t remember.”

Because Seagulls don’t have big, clunky human brains they lack the capacity to ruminate and stew about the shitty behavior of others. Lucky bastards.

So the message is this: you can either be an intelligent, grudge-holding, miserable mess or dumb and blissful.

No, you can’t be smart and happy – don’t be a greedy bitch!

So get to work and start putting your attention where it belongs….on dumbing yourself down.

You can start by reading Star magazine for a minimum one hour a day – that’s been working for me 😉

Why forgiveness is totally stupid… Read More »

Empty your cup if you want it filled!

4 Comments / July 2015, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2Veronica is my nefarious twin and alter ego and she’s hear to read the Tarot and tell you how to live your life. She’s a fan of day drinking, night prowling (for young men) and just being all out evil – let’s see what diabolical advice she has for you today…

ace of cups reversed
Hanson-Roberts Tarot

Have you been looking around at your life and thinking wow, there’s a lot of shit here I don’t want!?

It’s time to clean house!

If you want to bring in a bunch of good stuff, you first need to get rid of the cluttery crap that bogs your life down.

What do I mean by “cluttery crap”?

Hmmm…..well there’s physical clutter like little piles of change and gas receipts, dusty Harlequins, condom wrappers, craft supplies you never use and old shampoo bottles that are only 2/3 used up.

And then there’s time clutter – things that clog up your precious free time. Checking email, scraping little bits of mold off your bathroom ceiling, helping your elderly neighbor with her groceries – you know, terrible stuff like that.

The Ace of Cups reversed is all about emptying your cup – dumping out everything that just doesn’t make you tingle anymore so you can make room for the incoming thrills!

Empty your cup if you want it filled! Read More »

What is true wisdom? Veronica will tell you…

4 Comments / July 2015, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2Veronica is my evil twin and alter ego. When she isn’t on the prowl for some sweet young thing, she’s taking over my laptop, knocking back the lime margarita’s as she frantically types out these skanky readings for you…

vintage wisdom 2
Vintage Wisdom Oracle by Victoria Moseley

 It’s time for you to wise up already and start using your wisdom for once.

No, not your “intelligence” – that’s boring and overrated. Wisdom is a whole different ball game!

Choosing to make a waldorf salad the night before a potluck baby shower, so you don’t have to waste your saturday morning chopping apples, is intelligence. But skipping the dreaded baby shower altogether so you can frolick on your balcony with your latest boy toy is Wisdom.

Deciding to cut sugar out of your diet because you know it’s bad for you is intelligent. But strategically planning on replacing your sugar binges with explosive orgasms is wise. 

So stop trying to be so intelligent all the time and start embracing your wisdom!

What is true wisdom? Veronica will tell you… Read More »

Are you ignoring your dreams again? Tsk Tsk!

2 Comments / July 2015, Veronica Noir / /

veronica 2Veronica is my rude, bitchy, diabolical twin. She reads Tarot, swears like a sailor and like all dysfunctional people, she loves to give advice….

the moon anna k
Anna K Tarot

Finally, after the seemingly endless blaze of the Sun, we get the cool relief of darkness, illuminated by a scanty sliver of silver moonlight…..

The Moon encourages introspection. It is time for you to go within. The sun is loved by morons everywhere because its big, bright and fucking yellow.

The sun allows you to get distracted by everything, and live a life outside of yourself. The Moon doesn’t stand for that shit…

It’s harder to get distracted when your immersed in darkness. But the milky glow of the lunar sphere gives you just enough light to lead you back home to yourself.

Crazy-ass dreams are in the realm of The Moon – so pay attention to them! Don’t be one of those dicks who says “it’s just a dream.” Um, no it’s not. It’s a fucking magical vision, so have some respect!

Write it down, contemplate, explore, ask yourself some deep questions. Don’t just roll out of bed and pitter patter off to the beach to scope out cute boys and drink peach cider out of a thermos. Well, do that, but write down your dream first.

Are you ignoring your dreams again? Tsk Tsk! Read More »

Delight in destruction!

8 Comments / July 2015, Veronica Noir / /

VeronicaVeronica is my evil twin and Tarot reading queen! Each Friday she gets to share her cheeky wisdom on my blog. Let’s see what depraved insights she has about The Tower…

the tower 2
Druidcraft Tarot

Remember when you were a kid and you’d spend all day making a sandcastle, just so you could watch the tide come in and destroy it?

Life is kind of like that, but now that you’re all grown up, you get attached to your creations and throw a shit fit when things start to crumble and collapse….but you could be squealling with evil glee, if you wanted to!

Job losses, marriage breakdowns, the appearance of wrinkles and greying hair – all these things can be met with wild delight, if you’re in the right frame of mind.

So….are you getting upset about something merely because you think that’s the response you’re supposed to have?

Maybe those horrible events don’t have to cause you suffering after all?

Another way to see this card is to see it as an exploding, fiery phallus, with little people being spewed out the top. Either way, I think The Tower is a real gem of a card 😉

Delight in destruction! Read More »