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Veronica Noir is my deeply disturbed, Tarot reading twin. She is here to spice up your life with her bad advice…

You know what disturbs me more than anything?

More than fascism, more than ice cream cakes and even more than texting?

People who get up early…on purpose.

Do you ever notice how these people are always more productive, happy and successful than you?

They are also more annoying and unlikeable.

In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever met an early riser I didn’t clash with. They always seem to be hardworking, dependable and polite – the worst type of person!

So if you want to avoid turning into one of these assholes, start brushing up on your sleeping in skills!

The Art of the Sleep In (in 4 easy steps!)

1. Stay up ridiculously late, doing something frivolous like watching make-up tutorials on YouTube or fapping to pics of hot guys with kittens.
2. Consume vast quantities of drugs and alcohol. Martinis and weed work nicely for me. But if you’re “in recovery” or just not into the drugs and booze scene, make yourself a big mug of Sleepytime tea and hit that shit hard!
3. Get your snack on. Cheese, chips, cookies, you name it. Eating late is hard on your liver because it overloads it with glucose right when it’s trying to rest. This creates a sluggish, lazy effect on your body which helps you sleep in later. You’re welcome!
4. Don’t set an alarm. Alarms are for try-hards with careers and responsibilities. You’re cooler than that, right? RIGHT?

Veronica is my Tarot reading twin. She’s just like me except she’s bad, slutty and has way more fun! When she’s in between spa appointments and sex cruises, she’s kind enough to devote her spare time to writing these Friday readings. Enjoy!….

There are two main things we humans do: consume and create.

Both are valid. Both are important. But if you do only one then you’re up shit creek without a paddle.

I, Veronica, love to consume! I voraciously munch cinnamon buns with my London fog every Sunday afternoon. I love watching artsy fartsy euro porn, listening to grisly true crime podcasts and reading celebrity gossip mags!

But consumption becomes destruction if it isn’t  balanced out with creativity. Your soul withers and your mind becomes numb.

So this weekend, make sure you enjoy the things you consume, but then let them inspire you to create!

Bake some cookies, draw pictures of your cat, build a tree fort or slather your naked body in paint and roll around on a canvas in your backyard.

You get the idea. The sky’s the limit!

So tell me….what 3 things do you love to consume and what 3 things will you create this week?

Veronica is my husky voiced twin. She’s bad, she’s fabulous and she reads Tarot. When she isn’t sexily reclining on her chaise lounger and sipping something evil, she’s dishing out unsolicited advice on my blog!

There’s a lot of trumped up talk about “authenticity” these days, which is a sure sign that almost everyone lacks it.

And while I’m all for saying what’s on your mind, telling it like it is and that whole what you see is what you get crapola, I can’t help but rebel against this sudden onslaught of asshats telling me I’m supposed to “be real.”

Fuck off already.

It’s not always wise or attractive to just reveal everything about yourself and share your private thoughts willy nilly.

The only thing hotter than being your true, authentic self is being secretive! Think of Burlesque dancers – they’re all about the slow reveal and even then they rarely ever get totally nude, which is why pasties and g-strings exist.

The Moon is all about dimming the lights, keeping a few tricks up your sleeve and smiling like a Cheshire cat that just ate a bird. Be authentic….by all means! But keep your pasties on.

Veronica was feeling lazy this week and said “f*ck it, just recycle one of my old readings from last year” – so here it is, an oldie but a goodie. You may have read this before, but the message is important and worth reading again!

Housewives Tarot

Today’s card is Temperance and guess what? It’s not about “balance” like you thought it was.

Balance is for ninnies who feel smug when they do yoga and drink green juice out of mason jars with a straw.

This Temperance card is about mixing it up! It’s about variety! Out with the same old, same old, in with the new and different.

“Balance” is a twisted concept invented by stir-crazy moms who try to convince themselves that they can be satisfied with a life of carpooling, monogamy and quiet desperation if only they could walk 3 x week and drink more water.

But variety is the spice of every sultry strumpet’s life! And as you can see here, it takes all kinds of ingredients to make a cake….not just white flour and tears.

Unless you get to play a variety of different roles and sample an array of tasty delectables….well, you’re just not living!

So this weekend, mix things up. Do something different.

Indulge your alter ego for once and do what he/she wants to do.

Dear blog readers,

If you are wondering where my weekly reading is….well, I’ve been having some major computer drama! My laptop stopped working yesterday and I was unable to upload. Since I only have one computer, well, it’s a total pain in the ass! I may not have my laptop back until tomorrow, but I will post as soon as I can 🙂

Thank you so much for your patience and for watching my videos!

Xoxo

Kate

Here is your Tarot reading for the week ahead. I am using the Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin for this reading. Stay tuned for a very special New Years reading, which I will post in the next few days….

Have a great week and a Happy New Year!

xoxo
Kate

For this oracle card reading I am using my newest deck the Vintage Wisdom Oracle. I will be doing a review of this deck this week, but first I thought you should see it in action!

This week looks a little more flighty and shifty-changey than last week, but I’m up for the adventure 🙂

Have a great week!
xoxo
Kate

Veronica Noir is my evil twin and fellow Tarot reader. When she’s not molesting young men with her eyes and knocking back Margaritas on her balcony, she’s helping me with my upcoming Tarot book and doing horrid readings on this blog…

The Four of Cups shows a pasty young man who looks rather blase about everything. But he’s wearing a loincloth and he has a frickin’ horse! How on Earth can this little shit be bored?!

Anyway, you’re feeling rather dull today.

And just under the surface is this curious buzzing, this feeling of discontent that is gaining momentum and threatening to break free.

Boredom….the most dangerous thing in the world? It just might be.

The other day I was out for a walk and I came upon a little girl who was writing things in the street with chalk. In huge, bubbly letters was the word “POO” – scrawled right across the entire road.

“Did you write this?” I asked her.

She shrugged, smirked and said “I was bored.”

So let that be a lesson. We do odd things when we’re bored.

Whether it’s writing “POO” on the street, reading US Weekly magazine or organizing your cookbook collection, we all resort to horrific things when boredom strikes.

So this weekend, don’t just sit there. Tap into your boredom – because it’s masking something…something magnificent!