Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that will change your life! Tarot Reader by day, martini swiller by night, this domineering vixen is here for one reason….to tell you how to live your life.
Tarot of the Pagan Cats
Have you ever offended anyone?
Sure you have. It’s not hard to do.
The average person is so wound up, just waiting….just waiting….for you to say one wrong word so they can explode in an orgasm of righteous fury!
My good twin Kate is all like “oh no! I didn’t mean to offend anyone” but I’m like “fuck it. I just did you a favor”
The truth of the matter is, most people like being offended. Why? because it makes them feel right. It let’s them feel one up.
And in case your wondering what does all this crap have to do with the three of swords and that pissed off looking white cat? I will tell you…
The Three of Swords is about feeling pain or disgust….and reveling in it.
Like mooning over pictures of your ex after he dumps you. Or writing letters of complaint to companies and institutions (and kind of getting off on it). Or those fluffy cats that make a career out of being cranky.
Getting offended helps people define themselves. It strengthens their sense of self.
So if you accidentally offended someone today, don’t feel bad. You just did them a favor and now they have something to bitch to their friends about!
Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that will change your life! Tarot Reader by day, martini swiller by night, this domineering vixen is here for one reason….to tell you how to live your life.
Housewives Tarot
Your TV is like an electronic dictator in your own home that distracts and brainwashes you…worse than organized religion and the education system combined!
If you got rid of your TV you would be more creative, free and blissful. Trust me.
But you’re used to TV. You’ve always had one blaring in the background of your life. It’s become a creature comfort, a beacon of familiarity.
Without TV, how can you properly “veg out”? What will you snuggle up to after a long day of smiling and pretending to care?
As a proponent of the leisure and pleasure filled lifestyle, I understand your concern. It’s a valid one. So here are my top 3 TV alternatives for chilling out:
Stick those glow in the dark stars all over your ceiling and lie in a sleeping bag on your floor and stare at them. Booze helps.
2. Set up a hammock in your living room and put on some Reggae. Weed helps.
3. Curl up on the couch with a heating pad and something smutty on your Kindle. Hot chocolate helps.
Okay, now I’m off to watch some shit on Netflix.
Oh shut up. It’s Netflix, not TV. It doesn’t even count!
Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that will change your life! Tarot Reader by day, erotic fiction writer by night, this domineering vixen is here for one reason….to tell you how to live your life.
Universal Waite Tarot
Do you know someone who is always reinventing themselves?
One minute they’re a total asshole, next minute they’re all into yoga and recycling? But still an asshole.
Or maybe you’ve had the experience of being all like “I love gardening, animals and crafting” but six months later you’re like “fuck that. Now I’m into tanning beds, slot machines and Tinder.”
We’re fickle bitches and we change like the seasons. And that is A-Okay.
You’re a spiritual being here for an experience and you can’t experience much if you just do the same old crap day in, day out.
Sometimes your regular hobbies, routines, social life and job can feel like old, worn out, unhip clothes. Time for a new wardrobe!
This weekend, do something out of character. Do something fresh, something unexpected. If you normally go to art galleries and museums, hit up the casino! If you usually get drunk and watch porn, bake bran muffins and read some poetry.
Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that’s perfect for lazy winter afternoons. Let’s see what terrible advice she has for you today…
Rider Waite Tarot
North American culture is obsessed with goal setting and achieving shit, which is whatThe Chariotrepresents – moving forward, upward and onward. Yay!
There’s just one tiny problem: what happens if only part of you wants success but another part longs for pure sloth and debauchery?
My good twin Kate sets her alarm for 8am every morning. But when it goes off, I am seduced by the siren song of my warm, comfy bed that whispers “noooo….staaaayyyyyy! Just 5 min…” which turn into two hours and then the day’s pretty much shot.
Part of you wants to eat healthy but the other part wants red wine, cheese, chips and chocolate. Part of you wants to save for retirement but the other part wants to go on lavish vacations and buy fancy chai lattes everyday.
Unless you can get both selves on board, you’re pretty much fucked and will go nowhere in life.
So how do you do this? Easy. Don’t deny you’re “evil” side – tempt it.
Tell yourself things like if I get up at 8am and go for a run and eat healthy all week, I get to lay in bed all day on Saturday and eat cookies for breakfast…guilt free.
OR
If I work hard today and get all my tasks done, I will indulge in a feisty gossip sesh with a friend in the evening.
There’s no use trying to be perfect….so just give up now!
Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that’s perfect for lazy winter afternoons. While some people are helping the homeless this holiday season, Veronica is buying herself sex toys and eating caramels for breakfast…can you believe it?!
Linestrider Tarot
So it’s New Year’s eve eve today and you’re probably thinking up some ridiculously un-fun resolutions.
Like losing weight, saving money or being less slutty.
Don’t. Just don’t.
Instead, make a resolution to meet your inner alter ego and buy my new workbook Your Alter Ego Revealed!
If that’s not a dead-sexy New Years resolution, then I don’t know what is!
But here’s the thing with resolutions: don’t resolve to do something that you don’t actually want to do.
Too many twits make resolutions because they want the resultsof those resolutions.
Like getting up at 6am every morning to run five miles and drink a kale smoothie. Sure, you might look slightly hotter after a year of doing this, but you will also have just spent a year getting up at 6am to do unpleasant things.
Make the journey as pleasurable as the destination and you’ll be cooking with gas!
Okay, so that said, here’s my 2017 resolutions…
Make time to nap every day. Every single day.
Drink more red wine (for the antioxidants, obviously).
Spend less time on celebrity gossip sites and more time painting scandalous ladies!
Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that’s perfect for lazy winter afternoons.
The Housewives Tarot
Christmas is upon us… so batten down the hatches and pour yourself a stiff one!
For some this is a time of giving, generosity and helping the needy.
For others it’s a time of buying oneself lavish gifts and rolling around naked in a sea of bubble wrap. Or maybe that’s just me?
But for most people, this holiday is about boring visits with in-laws and distant relatives you don’t give a shit about. Well, at least you can get drunk.
A few years ago I spent Christmas alone. I slept in, ate a box of chocolate seashells for breakfast, watched 21 Jump Street and did go-go dance aerobics dvds. It was the perfect day.
So if you’re spending Christmas alone this weekend, don’t fall prey to all those sappy do-gooders who invite you to their Christmas dinner out of pity. Bleh! You know what to do…
International Woman of Leisure by day, whipcracking Tarot Reader by night! Veronica is my evil twin and she’s here to give you some practical gift giving tips, while coming off as incredibly shallow and
Robin Wood Tarot
So today’s Tarot card is Ace of Wands – take a gooood look at it….
And instead of writing about dicks, I’m going to talk about crafts. That’s right – crafts.
The Ace of Wands is all about getting inspired and creating stuff. So get your ass down to your local craft shop, like right this f*cking minute.
I love shopping at Micheals because I am always the sexiest person in there…and that’s not saying much.
This Christmas don’t go to the shitty mall to buy gifts – that place sucks. Make your own. Be self sufficient for once.
Here is my ultimate homemade Christmas gift list – for ALL the nimwits on your list this year:
The Stressed out Mom or Workaholic
Everyone knows someone who gives too much or works too much and never relaxes. It’s an illness. This person needs aromatherapy bath salts. Will they actually take some time out for a hot bath and use these? No. But that’s their fucking problem.
Ingredients: Epsom Salts (Costco has huge containers of this really cheap), essential oils of choice, glass mason jars, ribbons and that kind of shit.
fill a large bowl with salts, add essential oils and mix. I usually just freestyle it, but you can probably find exact recipes online. Figure it out.
Put smelly salts into mason jars and decorate with ribbons and bows. Voila!
Your Boss
Let’s be honest – your micromanaging boss probably doesn’t even deserve a gift from you this year. So have fun with this and make him an expressive collage painting.
Cut out pics of tampons and celebs from magazines and crazy personal ads in the back of the paper and paste them onto a piece of cardboard along with bits of fabric and colored papers. Smear some paint around it and insist he hang it in his office.
This gift works great for inlaws, too.
The Cool Person in your life
It could be a lover, a best friend or even yourself. This person deserves something edgy and unique, something that NO ONE ELSE will ever buy them.
They deserve the Veronica Noir workbook Your Alter Ego Revealed!
Packed with funsheets, quizzes and delightful drawings of cats, feather boas, cupcakes and of course me, Veronica! Part coloring book, part playbook, part journal, this will make the perfect gift for anyone on your list who isn’t a major douche.
*Update: this workbook is no longer available (sorry!)
Who doesn’t like to stuff their faces with tasty treats? Well, anorexics and health freaks – so give them the bath salts.
A tin of homemade cookies is a classic gift. Use GMO flour and refined sugar for the people you secretly hate but still need to give a gift to for social reasons.
And if you’re really lazy, just stuff the tins with storebought cookies. Fuck it.
Veronica Noir is my alter ego – a sexier, bitchier, more daring version of myself. On Fridays I give this tramp free reign over my blog. Let’s see what raunchy advice she’s cooked up for us today….
Self Card Cards by Cheryl Richardson
Just when you are deep in the throes of Christmas shopping and accumulating even more crap you don’t need, this card pops up and says “let go, clear the clutter”
But before you go on an inspired rampage throwing out your boring clothes and all the stupid candle holders and Jillian Michaels DVDs and shit, stop and think for a sec….
How did you end up with all this lame stuff in the first place?
If you’re one of those people who eats junk all year and then goes on a “cleanse” in January, listen up.
How about just stop putting crap in your body? Stop buying stuff you don’t really need! Then you won’t need to clear clutter or cleanse. I mean jeeeeeez!
Veronica is a free spirited tramp who loves to eavesdrop in coffee shops, lead young men astray and of course…read Tarot! Since she’s my evil twin/alter ego, I let her spew her mystical ramblings every Friday on my blog…
Tarot of the Pagan Cats
The Tarot card of the day is the Five of Wands – a card that foretells arguing, scuffles and petty competition. Fun stuff!
An argument may break out in the work lunchroom today…enjoy it!
Someone may try to one up you by trying to do something way better than you can. Let them huff and puff, who gives a shit.
Your lover may be extra quarrelsome with you this weekend – channel all that energy into hot sex and you’re good to go!
My point is this – don’t try to smooth things over like you usually do. Don’t try to be the whiny voice of reason. You’ll miss out on all the fun.
Instead, be an observer. So sit back and enjoy the shitshow!
International Woman of Leisure by day, whipcracking Tarot Reader by night! Veronica is my evil twin and she’s here to slap some sense into you. She wrote this reading with her peacock feather pen while sipping a spiked earl grey tea and then made me type it out on my laptop….that bitch…..
Animal Wisdom Tarot by Dawn Brunke
Whenever I’m in a bind I always ask myself WWMCD?
That stands for what would my cat do?
Cats do two things really well:
#1 They are pros at kicking back and relaxing
#2 They couldn’t care less about what you think about them – 0 fucks given.
These are two things you need more of in your life. Trust me.
Who would you be if you acted like a cat? If you could lounge for hours without feeling “guilty”? If everything you did was because it felt good.
Sure you might be a bit of a sociopath, but you’d also be able to let your intuition guide you for once.
And your intuition will probably say things like “skip work today and read dirty novels in the bath” or “fuck herbal tea, let’s go for some vodka and tomato juice”
And that’s okay. Just go with it. See where it takes you…
Just don’t get drunk in the bath…you could die….clutching literary porn.
Veronica is my evil alter ego and co-author of my new workbook Your Alter Ego… Revealed!, a fun, sexy workbook that will change your life! Tarot Reader by day, martini swiller by night, this domineering vixen is here for one reason….to tell you how to live your life.
