fridays with veronica - Page 10 of 10

Right Choices, Thong Choices

3 Comments / September 2015 / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / October 2, 2015

Veronica is my slutty talking evil twin. She reads Tarot, writes dirty novels and is an all round rebel. I let her have free reign on my blog on Fridays and here is what she penned for you….

You know how when you wear thong underwear you just can’t stop thinking about your ass crack all day long?

And don’t you think it’s ironic that in trying to make your underwear invisible to others, you end up becoming hyper aware of it yourself?

Because how can you ignore something that’s wedged between your butt cheeks? You can’t. It’s not possible.

I bet if you had to store everything you were trying to hide from the world in your butt crack, you would be a lot more authentic!

Anyways, the woman in this Five of Cups is totally pissed because she’s spilled good booze all over her crimson frock. And like any other problem – a chipped tooth, a broken nail or a massive wedgie – her mind is going to focus on that martini stain all. night. long.

Here’s the thing: shit happens. Your boy toy spills his drink on you, you wear thong underwear for some dumb reason, you mow someone over with your convertible. That’s life. But do you really need to dwell on it for the rest of your day? No. You don’t.

Give your hair a flip and move on with things. Pick the thong wedgie out of your crack. Or better yet…get rid of your undies altogether.

Panties are for wimps anyway.

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Just be yourself! And ruin society…

Veronica is my evil twin and alter ego. For some sick reason I let her take over my blog on Fridays so she can spew her opinions, rants and advice. Let’s see what she has to say about the Seven of Swords…

Have you ever been told by some well meaning twit to “just be yourself”?

And did you think “but if I was truly mySELF, I wouldn’t be here doing this stupid shit in the first place.”

So here’s the thing…

No one actually means it when they say “be yourself” – what they really mean is that your current performance of going through the motions of everyday, mind-numbing life is less convincing than it should be.

It’s not enough that you toil away at a meaningless job, suffer monogamy, engage in inane chit chat with others and pay tax, insurance, processing fees, administration fees and licensing fees.

You must do this with genuine enthusiasm! Or at least convince others that you are genuine.

Nothing brings the morale down like someone who just can’t be bothered to pretend anymore.

So what if you actually did start acting more like your real self? What would it look like? What would you stop doing? What would you start doing? And best of all….how would it mercilessly shred the fabric of society?

Just be yourself! And ruin society… Read More »

Why glue guns = enlightenment

11 Comments / May 2015, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / May 8, 2015

Veronica is my evil alter ego whom I let take over my blog on Fridays. Between martinis and cigarettes she dishes out advice – some terrible, some brilliant. Let’s see what she has to say about the Eight of Pentacles….

Today is the day you will become fully present and attain spiritual enlightenment.

Maybe only for 15 seconds….but it still counts!

The Eight of Pentacles is all about doing some activity that helps you get to that empty brain place where you just aren’t thinking about anything at all.

Annoying “spiritual” people try to do this through sitting on a special meditation cushion and holding their fingers in a particular way….pffft!

The same results can be had by doing arts and crafts. So paint a picture of some boring flowers or do a sketch of an exciting, sexy person! Or glue gun the shit out of something.

Once you stop fretting about the artistic merit of your creations, you will find that your mind stops its incessant chattering. Thank fuck!

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Your lack of busy-ness is nobody’s business!

5 Comments / April 2015, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / April 17, 2015

Veronica is my evil twin. I let her write on my blog only on Fridays. She is a part time Tarot reader, full time gangster of fabulousness. While you can find her many places, you won’t find her volunteering, attending boring baby showers or pretending to be busy…

The other day my good twin Kate was buying some shit in a store. It was a weekday afternoon.

The clerk asked “are you a student?” When she replied “no”, the clerk suspiciously asked “then why aren’t you at work?”

Thank god it was her and not me. I would have flown of the f*cking handle!

Let me state something very clearly: you don’t have to be busy all the time to be a good person.

The world will not come to a crashing halt if you don’t vacuum the bagel crumbs out of the crack in your car seat or stay late at work to finish pointless paperwork.

But if you are going to be busy, make it count! The Eight of Pentacles is all about doing work that you can get lost in.

For me that might be sketching hunky dudes, organizing my panty drawer or doing these Friday readings. But for you it could be something else….like vacuuming crumbs out of cracks, I don’t know!

Just don’t fritter away the day trying to look busy so that jerky bystanders will think you’re good. You’re good already!

Your lack of busy-ness is nobody’s business! Read More »

Drive off a Cliff! ~ The Lovers (Friday)

12 Comments / September 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / September 6, 2013

Veronica Noir is a writer of smut, maker of cocktails and The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil, evil twin. When not reading Tarot she can be found lounging poolside in her neighbors yard (when they aren’t home) and lamenting the depressing lack of hot, young man-meat in her town. Let’s see what dreadful advice she has for you today…

The Lovers! Such an exciting, sexy card to get on a Friday.

How passionate is your life? An how interesting are the people in it? Is it so passionate and interesting that you may drive off a cliff without noticing simply because the conversation is so fascinating?

No? Well, why the f*ck not?!

This rendition of The Lovers is supposed to serve as a warning – get too caught up in the heart pounding excitement of life and you will end up plunging head first off a cliff and into the ocean, only to be eaten by hungry sharks with a hankering for human thigh meat.

Well, that’s just silly! Don’t fall for that crapolla.

This weekend, make a commitment to start living a passionate life. Only do things that are so freaking fascinating that you have absolutely no clue what’s going on around you. Not sure how? Here’s my 3-step process:

1) Stop wasting precious time making small talk with boring people (avoid talking about the weather, health issues and people’s kids or grandchildren – that shit is grade A boring)

2) Make a bunch of boring rules for yourself (such as no sex on the first date, no drinking before 4pm and no fried food), then break them all in one night.

3) Do at least one thing on your “bucket list” every weekend – without panties.

In the comments below, tell me one thing that’s on your bucket list that you are going to do next…..and I will hold you to it!

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Queen of Swords: Give Your Life the Snip-Snip (Friday)

14 Comments / July 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / July 26, 2013

My evil, Tarot reading twin Veronica is commandeering Friday’s on my blog. I am giving her her very own day! Each Friday she will deliver a reading chalk full of horrid advice and inappropriate suggestions. I strongly advise you to take everything she says with a grain of salt…

The Queen of Swords in this Housewive’s Tarot is a terror with a pair of garden shears who goes around carelessly castrating roses – particularly those with men’s faces on them?!

This Queen doesn’t stand of any B.S. If your not up to snuff, she gives you the snip snip…and she does it with a smile.

Be this Queen today and gleefully cut back what isn’t working in your life.

Job pissing you off?…..phone in sick.

Friend who won’t shut up about her problems?…..hang up on her.

Cable company sends you a notice that they will be increasing your rates again? Phone them and cancel your cable. F**k em. Play hardball.

Think about what you can do without – for me its TV, a cell phone, junk food and newspapers – and cut those things out of your life for a while and see what happens. You aren’t depriving yourself – you’re cutting yourself free.

Tell me in the comments below…what useless crap will you be deep sixing today?

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