Veronica is my slutty talking evil twin. She reads Tarot, writes dirty novels and is an all round rebel. I let her have free reign on my blog on Fridays and here is what she penned for you….
Housewives Tarot
You know how when you wear thong underwear you just can’t stop thinking about your ass crack all day long?
And don’t you think it’s ironic that in trying to make your underwear invisible to others, you end up becoming hyper aware of it yourself?
Because how can you ignore something that’s wedged between your butt cheeks? You can’t. It’s not possible.
I bet if you had to store everything you were trying to hide from the world in your butt crack, you would be a lot more authentic!
Anyways, the woman in this Five of Cups is totally pissed because she’s spilled good booze all over her crimson frock. And like any other problem – a chipped tooth, a broken nail or a massive wedgie – her mind is going to focus on that martini stain all. night. long.
Here’s the thing: shit happens. Your boy toy spills his drink on you, you wear thong underwear for some dumb reason, you mow someone over with your convertible. That’s life. But do you really need to dwell on it for the rest of your day? No. You don’t.
Give your hair a flip and move on with things. Pick the thong wedgie out of your crack. Or better yet…get rid of your undies altogether.
After a two week hedonistic vacation, my evil twin Veronica is back!
When someone says “I’m a team player!” I immediate mistrust them.
Why?
Because “team player” is corporate slang for achieving success by climbing on the backs of others without them even knowing it! Ha!
And also because the term “team player” is just creepy. It makes me think of flourescent lighting, MJB coffee, crying in a public bathroom, and selling my soul for $12 and hour. Just an experience I once had.
What does all this have to do with the Knight of Cups? Let me tell you….
The Knight of Cups is not to be trusted. He’s a sneaky little bugger who will charm your panties off only to try to sell you Amway products or protein powder. Don’t fall into his sticky, sugary trap!
Others may present themselves to you in a highly appealing manner. Enjoy the show, but don’t get sucked in. It’s all a performance.
And for goodness sakes, don’t “invest” your money into anyone’s dreams or schemes (except your own) today.
Veronica is my evil twin and….she’s still on vacay! That lazy slut. So I went digging in the Veronica archives and tried to pick a good one for you…..
Housewives Tarot
Happy Friday! The Page of Cups is a sneaky little twerp and he is here with a very specific message just for you:
“I know you sometimes get depressed when you go on Facebook and see that everyone seems to be having a better time than you. But don’t be fooled. Most of those people are totally miserable. Party on!”
Gosh, what a strange thing for him to just say out of the blue. Oh well, that’s the Page of Cups for you!
Have some fun this weekend by focusing on doing silly, unproductive things – like finger-painting, collecting rocks on the beach, googling dirty words, rolling around naked in a pile of mud – you know, the usual “inner child” stuff.
The more fun you have, the less you will resent those assholes on Facebook for pretending to be having the time of their lives 24-7.
In the comments below tell me what silly things you have planned this weekend…
My evil twin Veronica is on vacation this week and while she’s probably getting day-drunk on a beach somewhere, I am forced to recycle this old reading she did way back in January. But I thought the message was important – one worth hearing again!
Osho Zen Tarot
You know what? You don’t have to set any more fucking goals from now on.
You don’t have to become your “best self” or improve or aim higher.
Leave that shit to Tony Robbins.
You’re good just the way you are.
Do you feel a weight lifting off your shoulders now? Do you feel a little less exhausted?
That’s because goals and dreams can drag you down. Oh sure, at first they seem to lift you up – just like cocaine.
You feel all zippy when you paste together your vision board. You’re overcome by that heady assumption that the universe is your bitch and you can just order shit up like at a drive thru.
But then time passes and realization hits you – your vision board is nothing but a shit festival of broken dreams – a beautiful pictographic representation of all the things you’ve failed to achieve this year.
So give yourself a break! Enjoy the NOW. Scrap all your goal books and dreamboards and all other future-oriented crapolla. Your perfect as you are right now.
Your welcome.
And this reminds me of a video I saw the other day….
Veronica is my evil twin/alter ego who reads Tarot on my blog every Friday! She loves guzzling fruity martinis, sleeping in and boycotting reality TV shows – but she hates babies, Wal-Mart and her neighbor’s shop vac.
Dame Darcy Mermaid Tarot
Know what’s better than gratitude? Discernment!
Just because something is offered to you, doesn’t mean you have to accept it….or be grateful, for that matter.
I can’t stand the victim mindset of people who say shit like “you’re lucky to even have a job!” especially when the job in question totally sucks.
Here’s an idea – raise the bar and stop accepting things that bring you no excitement whatsoever.
Not everything that comes your way will be wonderful and amazing – most of it will be quite mundane and boring. Learn to say “mrrhhhr……no” to the spirit sinking stuff.
Maybe your friend tells you that you should read some sappy self helpy book. Or maybe you get offered a volunteer job filing paperwork in a dusty basement. Or the dork next door invites you to a neighborhood barbecue where you can mingle with other jerks on your street.
But do you really want to do these things? Do they light your fire? You be the judge!
Veronica is my evil twin/alter ego who reads Tarot on my blog every Friday! In between reading Tarot you can find her getting day drunk on her balcony, snoring in a yoga class and on AshleyMadison.com, pretending to be married.
Ascended Masters Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
Are you one of those people who think you should meditate, but never seem to get around to it?
Here’s a tip: Meditation is just doing nothing.
Everyone thinks it’s some mystical thing requiring discipline and spirituality. It isn’t.
I would say it’s just like being lazy but it’s so much more than that…..it’s being lazy on purpose!
The reason you’re having trouble meditating is because you’re associating it with monks and jerks who do yoga. Stop it!
Meditation is the ultimate freedom – better than rollerskating with no underpants on or calling in fake-sick to work and staying home to eat chocolate-peanut-butter Coconut Bliss ice cream while watching Vampire Diaries re-runs on Netflix.
Want to meditate more? Start thinking of it as a time when you don’t have to do shit. You don’t even have to think! Which is probably why you watch all those stupid TV shows in the first place! Am I right?
It’s been over a year since my last installment in the Court Cards in bed series and I’ve left the best ’til last…The Kings!
After struggling to understand and connect with those distant and chilly Court Cards, I decided to hop into bed with them (in my mind) and imagine what they would be like between the sheets. Yes, it’s super pervy, but that’s just how I roll!
If you’re unfamiliar with this series, here are my previous posts:
I had so much fun writing these, but for some reason I couldn’t muster the passion to write about those stuffy Kings. I guess I’ve just never been into older men. But my smut loving readers have been asking me to finish this series for months: “Do the Kings! Do the Kings!”
So finally, with a little help from my evil twin Veronica, I’m doin’ the Kings!
The Tarot Kings in Bed
The Kings are mature, confident and experienced. As Samantha from Sex and the City once said about an older lover “he’s been around the block and knows how to use his c*ck!”
And that pretty much sums it up.
The only downside with the Kings is their tendency to be a bit….stuffy and overly serious. But those crusty, responsible exteriors are hiding a molten hot lava core of blistering raunchiness. Enjoy!
The King of Cups
Crystal Visions Tarot
Suit qualities: emotions, feelings, relationships
Personality traits: touchy feely, chit chatty and caring, he’s one of those “sensitive” guys.
The King of Cups actually cares about your feelings and listening to you yammer on about the emotional day you just had gives him a total boner!
He’s ultra sensual and cares deeply about your pleasure and will go to the ends of the earth to make sure you explode in just the right way. But beware…..
You may think you can have an anonymous quickie with this guy in the bushes at a Summer music festival, but then he’ll ruin it after by saying something lame like “how are you feeling?” or “I hope I didn’t violate any of your emotional boundaries.”
He wants nothing more than to “be there for you” and to listen and comfort you in your time of need. Which is just fine if it’s a therapist you’re looking for. But if it’s just a great shag your in need of, look elsewhere. This guy could drive you nuts with all the talk talk talk about feelings.
In real life he’s a counselor or teacher and loves giving his friends and co-workers spontaneous backrubs and hugs for no reason.
He’s very comfortable touching people. And he won’t hesitate to touch you – everywhere – again and again. You may think you’ve landed yourself a doting lover, but his generosity is a sham – he will later demand payment in the form of sharing your feelings. *Shudder!*
Secret fantasy: Doing it missionary on one of those Freud-style therapy couches while you whisper the word “feelings” over and over again in his ear.
Personality traits: This King is full of get up and go, filthy ideas and the plenty of raw energy to make your fantasies a reality. He’s someone worth busting out the Astroglide for.
As a lover he can go all night long – unlike some of his contemporaries, who are more interested rubbing suntan oil on their beer guts and grumbling about interest rates.
Since the King of Wands is a very successful sort of man who has his shit together, you will be deliciously shocked by his inventiveness and lusty ways in the bedroom!
For example, he is the type to suggest co-writing a porno script and then acting it out, viking helmets and all. See what I mean? Totally raunchy!!!
The only problem with the King of Wands is that he won’t tolerate a phoned in performance in the sack. So don’t think you can just lie there and fake moan on those days when you’d really rather be watching Witches of East End and eating peanut butter Coconut Bliss.
Secret fantasy: Being the star in a live sex show
The King of Pentacles
Morgan Greer Tarot
Suit qualities: money, health, home, the body
Personality traits: This guy is sexsessful with a capital S! Dripping in gold watches, money and businesses, he’s the quintessential sugar daddy.
Having shed the uptight sensibility of his youth, this King has weathered a few divorces and isn’t looking for a big commitment – he’d rather wine, dine, 69 you. And that’s good news!
The King of Pentacles is very much into eating….food and other things. He will suggest you cook him dinner wearing nothing but an apron and then want to smear your entire body in creme brulee. Which could either be fun or totally gross. You decide!
Alcohol, especially wine, is a favorite bedside companion for this booze swilling King. He loves nothing more than getting drunk by the fire and then rolling around naked on a faux fur rug until you both pass out.
His greatest downfall is his tendency to get so trashed that he becomes unconscious before you get a chance to get it on. Worst of all, he won’t even remember your mind blasting BJ techniques that you learned from reading Cosmopolitan in the grocery store line up.
Secret fantasy: Something involving a bevvy of prostitutes, being fed grapes and a champagne waterfall.
The King of Swords
Robin Wood Tarot
Suit qualities: intellect, thoughts, mind, communication
Personality traits: I hate to say it, but this guy is kind of a bore. He’s rigid, starchy and has no sense of humor….until you toss him on a bed and have your way with him!
The King of Swords spends all day being a big boy and acting like Mr. Smartypants. Just the kind of guy who needs to be taken down a peg or two.
If your looking for someone to dominate, the King of Swords is your man! His corporate facade is exhausting to uphold and he longs to pushed around and told what to do.
But his tastes are rather specific – not just any old honkytonk dominatrix will do. He prefers a lady of substance and refinement. Someone who is well read and knows the difference between Wuthering Heights and Fifty Shades of Grey.
In between steamy, all out kink fests he likes to discuss literature, politics, art and film (not movies – those are for riff-raff). So if you’re super-brainy, this buttoned up, stuffed shirt King will fulfill your desire for intellectual stimulation and your need to degrade someone. The perfect combo!
Secret fantasy: to be dominated by a bookish librarian type who will shriek out Shakespeare quotes while she spanks him!
To Sum Things Up…
Looking at the Tarot Court Cards in a whole new way brings them to life!
The Tarot Court Cards are multidimensional characters and while most descriptions of them can be pretty yawn-worthy and forgettable, I guarantee you won’t soon forget the filth you just read here.
Add Your Two Cents!
In the comments below, tell me which Tarot King you think would make the most captivating lover and why?
Veronica is a free spirited tramp who loves to eavesdrop in coffee shops, lead young men astray and of course…read Tarot! Since she’s my evil twin/alter ego, I let her spew her mystical ramblings every Friday on my blog…
Success is sweet because once you are high up, you get to look down on everyone.
But then you start to fantasize that everyone’s out to get you, trying to knock you down and stomp on your face.
Success is stressful!
But nothing says zen-bliss like mediocrity. Sometimes its nice to just aim for blandness, middle of the road, average and unimpressive.
Sliding in under the radar is the most underrated, hedonistic pleasure.
“Reach for the stars!” annoying people say.
I like to reach for the glow in the dark stars on my bedroom ceiling that were haphazardly stuck on by the previous resident of my apartment. I know I can reach those!
So my advice for this weekend is this: keep your expectations low and no one gets disappointed!
Veronica is my evil twin and alter ego. For some sick reason I let her take over my blog on Fridays so she can spew her opinions, rants and advice. Let’s see what she has to say about the Seven of Swords…
Housewives Tarot
Have you ever been told by some well meaning twit to “just be yourself”?
And did you think “but if I was truly mySELF, I wouldn’t be here doing this stupid shit in the first place.”
So here’s the thing…
No one actually means it when they say “be yourself” – what they really mean is that your current performance of going through the motions of everyday, mind-numbing life is less convincing than it should be.
It’s not enough that you toil away at a meaningless job, suffer monogamy, engage in inane chit chat with others and pay tax, insurance, processing fees, administration fees and licensing fees.
You must do this with genuine enthusiasm! Or at least convince others that you are genuine.
Nothing brings the morale down like someone who just can’t be bothered to pretend anymore.
So what if you actually did start acting more like your real self? What would it look like? What would you stop doing? What would you start doing? And best of all….how would it mercilessly shred the fabric of society?
Veronica is my evil twin sister and voracious Tarot reader. Penning smut by day and vamping about the streets at night. This booze swilling “lady” won’t quit until she’s had her fill of thrills, peanut butter ice cream and younger men. Let’s see what slutty wisdom she’s rolled out for you today…
Intuitive Tarot by Cilla Conway
The other day I was sitting on the beach, reading Star magazine and sipping Margarita out of my stainless steel thermos, when two seagulls started to scrap!
This one seagull was a total dick, brutally attacking the other seagull and stealing his starfish. It was quite a scene.
But then like 20 seconds later, I spy these same two seagulls sitting side by side like lovers, watching the waves crash against the shore.
WTF? I thought
My good twin Kate said “wow, isn’t the capacity for forgiveness in the animal kingdom just amazing?”
And I said “no, they’re just really dumb. They don’t remember.”
Because Seagulls don’t have big, clunky human brains they lack the capacity to ruminate and stew about the shitty behavior of others. Lucky bastards.
So the message is this: you can either be an intelligent, grudge-holding, miserable mess or dumb and blissful.
No, you can’t be smart and happy – don’t be a greedy bitch!
So get to work and start putting your attention where it belongs….on dumbing yourself down.
You can start by reading Star magazine for a minimum one hour a day – that’s been working for me 😉
Veronica is my slutty talking evil twin. She reads Tarot, writes dirty novels and is an all round rebel. I let her have free reign on my blog on Fridays and here is what she penned for you….
After a two week hedonistic vacation, my evil twin Veronica is back!
