Veronica Noir is my horrible alter ego. She reads Tarot Cards, writes dirty books and can make a mean cappuccino cheesecake! She loves giving shocking, offensive advice via this weekly blog…
Housewives Tarot
Sometimes shit just doesn’t go your way.
But you always have the choice of rolling with it or digging in your heels and getting really, really pissed.
Personally, I like the second option best. Why does everything have to be positive, anyway?
Everyone’s always quick to say stupid shit like:
“look on the bright side!”
“every cloud has a silver lining!”
Fuck that. I like to revel in my misery.
So this weekend, if you feel grumpy, embrace it! Don’t try to run, don’t try to put a positive spin on it. Really immerse yourself in it. Play it for all its worth!
If you don’t allow yourself the decadent luxury of unchaperoned suffering from time to time, how will you ever know true happiness?
Veronica Noir is my batshit crazy twin sister. She is just like me except she’s brilliant, has no sense of guilt or shame, speaks her mind and does whatever she wants, when she wants! Kind of like a psychopath….but with a heart of gold. Oh, and she also reads Tarot…
Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
Happy Friday!
The Goddess Sige is here to tell you to “shut the f*ck up!”
Oh wait, that’s not was she’s saying….she says “take some quiet time alone to rest, meditate and contemplate.”
She’s not just referring to physical chitter chatter, either. The more you quite your inner blatherings, the more in-touch with your divinity you will be.
Take a nap this weekend. Isloate yourself and ignore friends and family. They only distract you from achieving pure nirvana.
Your ego hates it when you get quiet! Remember that. Whenever you meditate, you are annoying the living crap out of your ego.
This fact alone can make meditation a more enjoyable, deliciously mischievous experience 😉
I know from experience that the Court Cards can be tough to learn and remember.
Why? Because they’re boring.
Maybe that’s a bit harsh. But typically a Court Card is just a person sitting there not doing anything. Boring! How are you supposed to get anything from that?
So I turned to my evil twin Veronica (aka me after a glass of wine) for her sizzling take on the starchy royals of the Tarot.
She said that she had an easier time understanding their personas and messages once she thought of them in a sexual way. Gross! But it works…
The Tarot Queens in Bed
The Queens are the ultimate sex goddesses of the Tarot! Powerful, confident and full of womanly charms, each Queen represents the energy of her suit in it’s mature, feminine manifestation.
But lets answer the question that everyone wants to know: what are these Queens like in the boudoir?
The Queen of Cups
Robin Wood Tarot
Suit of Cups: emotions, feelings, relationships
Personality traits: She’s intuitive and nurturing
The Queen of Cups is a dream lover. She takes her time, savors the moment and intuitively knows exactly what you want her to do next.
She’s a true romantic and she loves to talk about feelings. Don’t think you can just shag her without some obligatory eye gazing and emotional masturbation beforehand. Be prepared.
Sappy movies like Sweet November and Hope Floats act as an instant aphrodisiac, getting her all hot and bothered.
This Queen isn’t into the one night stands but write her some poetry and she’ll be tossing her panties at you like your Tom Jones (50 years ago).
Secret fantasy: she longs to be dominated by an alpha bad-boy!
The Queen of Wands
Crystal Visions Tarot
Suit of Wands: creativity, passion, career, action
Personality traits: She’s sharp, fiery and gets shit done
This lady is foxy and brimming with moxie! The Queen of Wands is passionate and driven both in and out of the bedroom.
She’s a total cougar whose always on the prowl for a younger man that she can whisk away on a sexual escapade.
If your lucky, she may invite into her closet which is full of kinky costumes, feather boas and all kinds of weirdness!
The Queen of Wands is perhaps the most exotic and adventurous of all the Queens, due to her extensive travels in foreign lands, where she has bedded countless lovers and learned all kinds of international delights.
Nothing shocks her anymore, but she is far from jaded.
Secret fantasy: teaching sexual tricks to a younger man or woman.
The Queen of Pentacles
Fenestra Tarot
Suit of Pentacles: money, health, home, the body
Personality traits: She’s earthy, calm and sensual
Known for her practicality and two-feet-on-the-ground persona, her sexual passion is like a slow burning fire. She’s slow to arouse, but can go all night once she gets going!
She isn’t wild or kinky, but she’s a sensual and languid lover who appreciates erotic massage, candles and good wine.
While she won’t turn down an orgy invitation, she’s more likely to sit on the sidelines eating grapes than join in on the debauchery.
Seduce her by bringing her edible, earthy gifts, like a basket of penis-shaped vegetables. She’ll get the hint!
Secret fantasy: a picnic that leads to outdoor sex in the woods.
The Queen of Swords
Hanson-Roberts Tarot
Suit of Swords: intellect, thoughts, mind, communication
Personality traits: She’s kind of a bitch
While you may suspect the Queen of Swords to be a total killjoy in the sack, think again.
This phallus (ahem, “sword”) wielding vixen can really rock your world. After a long day of keeping her shit together she wants nothing more than to get totally wild and nasty!
She’s brainy (being of the suit of Swords), which means she loooooves to use big, smart-person words in her dirty talk. And talk dirty she does….
This Queen is icy and reserved when you meet her, but turns into a filthy little motormouth between the sheets. Who knew?!
Looking at the Tarot Court Cards in a whole new way brings them to life!
The Tarot Court Cards are multidimensional characters and while most descriptions of them can be pretty yawn-worthy and forgettable, I guarantee you won’t soon forget the filth you just read here.
Add Your Two Cents!
In the comments below, tell me which Tarot Queen you think would make the most captivating lover and why?
Veronica Noir is a perma-drunk whippersnapper who loves to give insensitive Tarot readings, pen crude stories and sleep til noon. She is also my evil twin, which is why I let her do these horrid readings on Friday’s….
Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
Today’s message is from the fiery goddess Pele. She says “Be honest with yourself, bitch! What is your heart’s true desire?”
Well, she doesn’t actually say “bitch”, but she totally should have.
What would make your volcano ejacul…..I mean erupt?
This weekend is all about finding explosive passion and then dancing like a crazy woman (or man).
My guess is that your in one of those “bleh, I think I’ll stay in bed today reading werewolf erotic romance novels on my kindle rather than work” moods. I know how you feel!
Now snap out of it.
What truly lights you up? What energizes you? Go do it and stop pansy-footing around your life!
Veronica is my evil twin. She’s a sassy psychic with a flair for penning filthy short stories, online shopping and peanut butter fudge. When she’s not busy reading werewolf erotica and getting drunk on Kombucha tea, she’s writing this column….
Anna K Tarot
Today’s Tarot card is the Knight of Rods. Tee hee hee! Rods!
This manly man rockin’ the chain-mail seems to be erecting some sort of flag. He’s gearing up to stab in into the ground, penetrating the Earth in his proclamation of ownership. Similar to a dog peeing on a fire hydrant.
What are you proud of? What do you stand for?
Today is the day to celebrate it and own it.
Mark your territory. Pee on something. Make it yours!
This weekend is all about going after what you want with a fiery, blazing, possessive passion. Whether your after a new lover, a fancy-dancy career or something more bizarre, the message is clear:
Veronica is my immoral other half. She is my wild and slutty evil twin/alter ego and when she isn’t travelling the world, doing nude yoga and slamming back martini’s, she’s dishing out Tarot wisdom for you right here…
Housewives Tarot
Today’s Tarot advice comes from The High Priestess.
She says “Shhhhhh….keep your secrets.”
This particularly applies to relationships of a romantic nature.
Certain marriage “experts” (cough, Dr. Phil, cough) will tell you that you must never keep secrets from your significant other and that true intimacy means sharing everything.
Yuck. No thanks.
If you want your life to have a certain robust, saucy flavour, you need to have some secrets.
So stop being so darn honest and “transparent” as the therapy-types like to say.
Don’t have any secrets? No problem! Create them. Take a young lover, start drinking in the daytime (if you don’t already) or stop wearing underpants.
You’ll be rocking that Mona Lisa smirk in no time!
Veronica is my evil twin. And oh my god is she evil! The contents of her Kindle are filthy, filthy, filthy, and her mind isn’t much better. The advice she gives via her Tarot cards is one stop short of crazy, but her intentions are pure. So every Friday I let her go batshit…
The Animal Wisdom Tarot by Dawn Brunke
Today is a good day to act like a sociopath. At least that’s what I think this card is trying to say.
The Eagle, Guardian of Feathers (aka King of Swords) is here to tell you not to get all emotional and touchy feely about everything. Be cool. Be calm. Detach.
I watched a documentary on eagles last week and those birds are horrible creatures. They don’t give a shit about anyone’s feelings! They push their infant siblings out of the nest and sometimes even eat them alive as soon as they hatch (provided the mama eagle isn’t around).
These giant winged jerks look out for number one. Get in the way of an Eagle and he will pluck your eyes out and won’t even feel a twinge of guilt.
So what can you learn from these airborne psychopaths?
I think Eagle gives us permission to be cool and detached every now and then. Just because you sometimes want to peck the brains and eyes out of your coworkers doesn’t mean you aren’t “spiritual”.
After all, the Eagle is a spiritual symbol. How such a mean bird managed to claim such a high place on the spiritual animal hierarchy is a mystery. Wrens and Robins – perfectly nice birds – are totally looked over.
So let that be a lesson.
In the comments below, tell me which animal you think gets waaaay to much undeserved attention…
Veronica is my evil, Tarot reading twin. She is a lover of all things mystical and smutty, and between drinking martinis and chasing after boy toys, she hardly has time to write this column. But despite her busy schedule she is about to dish out some “Goddess Guidance” from my Goddess Guidance Oracle Deck….
Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries!
Fuck, I love that word.
Say NO. Just say NO. NO. NO. NO!
I love that word too, and so should you.
Ishtar, while sporting some impressive cleavage, says “love yourself enough to say no to others demands on your time and energy.” Amen to that.
This weekend, practice saying “no” just for the hell of it. Say no to as many things as you can think of. Even things you want to say “yes” to. Except if its a free drink or a free lap dance….or anything free for that matter.
Okay, let me amend that – just say “no” to all things that will require some amount of effort or sacrifice on your part.
Remember when you were two years old and said “no” to everything just for shits and giggles? Do that! Channel your inner two year old.
By the end of the weekend you may find that you have created a tantalizing expanse of free time, deliciously devoid of annoying friends and demanding family members. Pat yourself on the back! The only downside is there won’t be anyone left to say “no” to.
In the comments below, tell me what you will be saying “NO” to this weekend…..
Veronica Noir! By day she reads Tarot, googles inappropriate words and laughs at filthy jokes. By night she slinks through the streets, preying on innocent young men, devouring their souls like a bag of Kettle Chips (Salt and Vinegar). Now she is about to give you some straight up advice on how to live your life…
Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
Happy Valentine’s Day!
For a minute I thought Diana’s bow and arrow kind of reminded me of Cupid. Which I had to snicker at because the goddess Diana does not go in for any of that romantic shit.
According to Roman mythology, Diana was a virgin. Not a virgin in the vaginal sense, but a real virgin – a woman unto herself who was totally independent and free from all the silly marriage claptrap.
One day, this dude who was totally into her followed her to the stream where she bathed and hid behind a tree so he could be creepy and watch her. Diana doesn’t miss a trick. She spots him and turns him into a deer and then BAM! A pack of dogs rip him to shreds.
So Diana doesn’t mess around. She means what she says and does what she means.
Her message for today is this: “Keep your unwavering thoughts, feelings and actions focused on your target and you will make your mark.”
So don’t be half-assed about anything this weekend. Don’t be wishy washy. If you need to turn someone into a deer to make a point, then by all means, do it!
Veronica is a slinky minx of a Tarot reader who gives awful (yet always practical) advice. She is the The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin and has a passion for telling it like it is, offending others and being way sexier than everybody else. She recently got into her good twin’s box of Doreen Virtue oracle cards and she’s just having a field day….
Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
“Release judgments about yourself and others, and focus on the love and light that is within everyone.”
Except for the assholes. Don’t release judgements about them 😉
Kuan Yin busts onto the scene with her message of compassion, but what she’s really saying is you must learn to love all of yourself…even your inner jerk-face.
Then releasing judgments about all the other jerk-faces in your life will be a whole lot easier.
No one is one-dimensional. We all have our wonderful and terrible aspects.
That raging douche-bag who pulled out in front of you in the grocery store parking lot, causing you to slam on your breaks, sending a carton of milk flying off the passenger seat and bursting into your windshield and all over the dashboard and upholstery, also has a really lovable side to him.
Veronica Noir is my horrible alter ego. She reads Tarot Cards, writes dirty books and can make a mean cappuccino cheesecake! She loves giving shocking, offensive advice via this weekly blog…
