Veronica Noir - Daily Tarot Girl

The Page of Cups’ unusual advice…

Veronica Noir is a mysteriously delinquent Tarot reader who travels the world, diving with sharks and dancing on tabletops. Her advice is horrific at best, yet often surprisingly helpful. Let’s see what she has to say about the Page of Cups…

Happy Friday! The Page of Cups is a sneaky little twerp and he is here with a very specific message just for you:

“I know you sometimes get depressed when you go on Facebook and see that everyone seems to be having a better time than you. But don’t be fooled. Most of those people are totally miserable. Party on!”

Gosh, what a strange thing for him to just say out of the blue. Oh well, that’s the Page of Cups for you!

Have some fun this weekend by focusing on doing silly, unproductive things – like finger-painting, collecting rocks on the beach, googling dirty words, rolling around naked in a pile of mud – you know, the usual “inner child” stuff.

The more fun you have, the less you will resent those assholes on Facebook for pretending to be having the time of their lives 24-7.

In the comments below tell me what silly things you have planned this weekend…

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Sexy times on the horizon! Six of Swords tells all…

Veronica is The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin. She is a whip cracking dominatrix by night and a professional napper by day. When she isn’t giving dreadful Tarot readings on this blog, you can find her spying on her neighbors, writing smutty stories and getting up to all kinds of mischief! Here’s her take on the Six of Swords…

This weekend is all about traveling to greener land.

Last week, you declared everything was total shit and now you are setting sail for less-shittier pastures. Congratulations!

You have a clearer picture on where your going, your making phone calls, taking notes, getting your act together. Good for you.

But the Six of Swords reminds me of something I once read in a self-help book I stole from my good twin Kate – wherever you go, you take yourself with you.

You can change the scene and the players, but if you keep your head down and ignore your own role in the shit charade, then you are doomed to re-create the same drama wherever you are. You must shift your thoughts before you truly shift your reality. But lets not talk about that….

Lets talk about the golden boat your riding in (see card above) and those green virgin hills your about to plunder. Things are looking good! Sexy times are on the horizon…if only you’d look up! If only you’d look up!

**In the comments below, tell me what kind of shift/change your making this week (god I love being nosy!)**

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Let Veronica slap some sense into you…

4 Comments / January 2014, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / January 3, 2014

Veronica Noir, The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil counterpart, is here to kick some sense into you with her uncompassionate style of Tarot reading. She usually writes these half-drunk, so take her advice with a grain of salt…or a tablespoon!

5 of cups enchantress — Tarot of the Dream Enchantress

Today’s Tarot card is the Five of Cups, and boy oh boy is this mermaid PISSED!

This lady of the sea is knocking her cups this way and that shouting “well this is shit! This is shit! Don’t want this!”

Can you relate? I know I can!

Your life needs an overhaul. And guess what? It’s going to take more than the occasional yoga class or date night to vamp it up properly.

First of all, let me just say this: Of course your in a miserly state! People are dicks and life isn’t the cake walk that The Secret claimed it to be. I know, I know.

But you need to get a grip. Things aren’t so glum! The three cups at the bottom of the card represent three sneaky things you can do right now that will inject some orgasmicness into your veins…

No, not heroin. I was thinking salsa dancing lessons or something along those lines. But whatever you do, get out of your funk already. Because its totally boring.

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Why You Shouldn’t Set Goals this Year…

6 Comments / December 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / December 27, 2013

Veronica Noir is a reader of smut, drinker of cocktails and all round horrible person. She is the Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin and unfortunately for you, she also reads Tarot….

the world — The Intuitive Tarot by Cilla Conway

This is the time of year when you usually “set goals” and make predictable “resolutions”.

BORING!

Think of the universe. Think of all the planets, stars, interstellar bullshit and whatnot…..now think of your New Year’s resolution.

“Well, this year I plan to cut back on eating refined carbohydrates and sugar,” you might say “and get out for more walks.” ZZZZZZZZ! That’s lame.

You are a sexy, multidimensional warrior of life, capable of sooooo much more than you even know. So stop mincing around with safe “goals” and start living!

Be like the naked prancer in The World card – throw your head back as a maniacal laugh escapes your throat and open your arms to life. Skip through fields of possibility and dance on oceans of joy. Oooh, I’m feeling all poetic!

But really, there is so much more to this world than setting goals and then achieving them. Goal setting should be used as a “tool” to create what you want, but not as the whole focus. This year, your world is wide open….so don’t hold back!

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How to Give Advice…

14 Comments / December 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / December 20, 2013

Veronica Noir is The Daily Tarot Girl’s fearless, daring (yet evil!) twin. When she isn’t offering up salacious advice on a Friday, she’s cruising around the Mediterranean on her yacht with a couple of boy-toys, a good book and a cool mojito.

counselor — Archangel Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue

Today or this weekend a close friend will ask you for advice. You will be tempted to unleash your mental cornucopia of brilliant insights.

If you do, this is what will happen:

Your friend will nod along like she’s listening. But then she will do the exact opposite of what you said. Almost as if she asked for your opinion only to reject it in a coy maneuver of subtle oneupmanship. The nerve!

So do this instead:

Give the exact opposite of what you think is “good advice” – your friend isn’t listening anyway, so have fun with it.

If she whines about her marriage, tell her to have an affair with the pool-boy. If she moans about how tired she is, suggest she mix a little Speed into her morning coffee. All work-related issues can be solved by taking an extended sick leave or quitting. All neighborly disputes can be fixed with….fists.”Maybe violence IS the answer”, you tell her.

You may soon find that none of your friends ever ask you for advice anymore. But would that really be such a bad thing?

Pssst….my good twin Kate has just made a Tarot Journal for you to enjoy. I would recommend it but, sadly, it is completely devoid of naked men pics and cocktail recipes, rendering it utterly useless to me. But you might like it….see it right here!

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Queen of Cups ~ Fck this Christmas sht!

4 Comments / December 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / December 13, 2013

Veronica Noir is my batshit crazy twin sister. She is just like me except she’s brilliant, has no sense of guilt or shame, speaks her mind and does whatever she wants, when she wants! Kind of like a psychopath….but with a heart of gold. Oh, and she also reads Tarot…

T’is the season…

To be inundated with boring work parties, excruciating family get togethers, shit Christmas music warbling in the background as you shuffle through the mall and the worst thing of all….buying presents for other people. Blech!

“Well at least there’s lots of alcohol around,” purrs the Queen of Cups. “So drink up, slut!”

When you see this Queen’s far off, glazy stare you just know she’s thinking “I’m gonna need to knock back two more goblets of Dubonet to survive listening to Larry from finance drone on about World of Warcraft for the next hour.”

So my advice for this weekend is this: use whatever aids you have available to you – ahem! hard liquor – to help get you through this difficult time. And if you end up behaving inappropriately as a result, well…blame it on whoever’s closest. Especially if they’re dressed like a whore.

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Bust out of that coffin! Tarot card for Friday…

6 Comments / December 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / December 6, 2013

Question of the day: What coffin do you long to burst out of? What tiresome “role” makes you feel like a zombie? It’s time to bust loose!

Judgement is here to let you know that a re-birth is in order. This card is choc-full of phallic and vaginal symbolism – people leaping out of dark boxes and an angel going to town on a large golden “trumpet”. Good god! What does is all mean?

It means wake the fuck up and start living! It’s easy to corpse-walk your way through life, but who wants to do that?

The trumpet actually symbolizes your divine calling. Are you going to listen and act? Or are you going to stay in that safe little coffin of yours?

But how do you do that? Let me tell you…..

Do ONE THING today that a zombie would be incapable of doing. You’ll be surprised by how this eliminates most of your daily activites 😉 Then report back here and share what you did!

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Tarot Card for Friday ~ Knight of Cups

4 Comments / November 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / November 29, 2013

Veronica is my evil twin and she loves to give bad advice! She wrote this reading at midnight while sipping Bailey’s and watching some smutty late night foreign film. Enjoy…

knight of cups tarot — New Palladini Tarot

The Knight of Cups is at it again! Drinking on the job and raising his martini glass to toast his newest adventure. I like this guy!

But you know what I really like about him? He wears pink. Out of all the testosterone fueled Knights, this guy is blatantly androgynous – or dare I say feminine?

His colleagues (the other three knights) may wield phallic objects and look all serious, but he went “fuck this. I’m going to have a drink and wear a pink feather in my helmet. And I don’t give two shits where I end up as long as its interesting and fun.”

Today, be like the Knight of Cups! Contrary to what Kate said on Monday and Tuesday, don’t make a plan! Get distracted! Go wherever the wind takes you and raise a glass to all wandering spirits. Enjoy the journey!

*Are you an aspiring business lady (or man)? Want to hear my cracked out business advice? Check out Kris Oster’s rockin’ blog right here to read my article Get Drunk on the Beach!

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Veronica’s take on the 3 of Swords

November 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / November 22, 2013

Love, loss and betrayals of the heart! These are thing things the Three of Swords is made of. But don’t fret! All is not lost.

If you discover your lover is having an affair, you have two choices: cry into your oatmeal and listen to Taylor Swift songs as you load up your wagon and head to splitsville.

OR…

You could have a threesome!

Your welcome.

Really, its that simple. I could also have said “when life gives you lemons, make lemonaide”, but I thought you’d appreciate the x-rated version 😉

If things aren’t going your way, ask yourself how you can have some delicious fun with it. Trust me, behind every failure, infidelity or disaster is a hot, steamy encounter just waiting to happen!

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Striving for Balance? Don’t Bother! ~ Tarot Card for Friday

15 Comments / November 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / November 15, 2013

Veronica is the Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin. She spends her time penning smut, sipping martinis, and planning her next seduction. Let us read what she has to say about the Six of Pentacles…

Today we have the Six of Pentacles (again!) and it appears that “balance” is what it’s all about. But don’t be fooled. Striving for balance is overrated.

Contrary to popular belief, imbalance is the natural state of affairs. Think of a pair of testicles. One must always hang lower than the other, lest they be squished together during the act of walking (moving forward).

And this is how you need to start thinking of your life – like a pair of testicles. Stop striving for perfect balance.

You hear a lot about “balance” these days – about eating a balanced diet, about living a balanced life, balance, balance, balance! And its all bullshit.

Striving for perfect balance is useless and, in my humble opinion, totally unnatural. But here’s the funny thing – if you just do what you feel, eventually things even out and balance themselves.

For example, yesterday I spent an entire day lying on my couch, reading Scandalous Liaisons by Sylvia Day, eating peanut butter-cornflake squares and drinking syrupy, German white wine.

But today I am just humming along with my work like a skanky ferrari, getting shit done, eating my greens and doing yoga.

So stop striving and just go with the fucking flow already!

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