Veronica Noir

Friday’s with Veronica ~ The Tower

My apologies for posting this late! I had this scheduled to post and somehow, my site didn’t post it automatically! Arrrgh! Better late than never 😉

fridays with veronicaVeronica Noir is a writer of smut, maker of cocktails and The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil, evil twin. When not reading Tarot she can be found lounging poolside in her neighbors yard (when they aren’t home) and lamenting the depressing lack of hot, young man-meat in her town. Let’s see what dreadful advice she has for you today…

the tower (2)
The Housewives Tarot

Ah, The Tower! This particular version gives me the shudders, not because its The Tower, but because it reminds me of the horrors of jellied salad. Thank god no one makes that anymore!

Lately you’ve been thinking “gee, I really want to shake things up a bit and turn this craptastic world on its head!” but then you stop yourself and think “no, it would never work. The System is too strong.”

I have news for you – that which appears all solid and strong is not. In fact, it’s like jellied salad. If everything is still, it looks solid, but when you move around, it wobbles and your realize its just jelly and can be easily dismantled. So move around. Don’t just stand still. Shimmy and shake, prance and dance.

So I ask you, crazy banana that you are, how can you break the mould today? How can you make things wobble and shake? Tell me in the comments below!!!

Dealing with Downers ~ Nix the Whiners in Your Life!

fridays with veronica

Veronica Noir is a Tarot reader, dominatrix, exhibitionist and the Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin. She has an unhealthy addiction to online shopping, watching kitten videos on YouTube and of course, trolling for younger men and lying about her age! Here are her words of wisdom…

six of pentacles
New Palladini Tarot

Today is all about giving and receiving….advice (and other things). You need to balance out the scales today and don’t be nice about it.

Take a long, hard look at your friendships. There is one friend in particular who is a total drain. This person takes, asks, demands and gives nothing back. She’s like Debbie Downer x 1000.

You’ve been nice, supportive and kind far too long. And it’s not helping. You need to dish up the tough-love, Veronica Noir style.

The best way to deal with this kind of person is to respond to their complaints and desperate pleas for sympathy by droning on and on about how fabulous your life is.

Next time she whines about her arthritis or back problems, tell her about the amazing orgy you had last night (even if you didn’t – its okay to embellish).

If she turns down your offer of cookies and tea by saying something bitchy like “I’m going gluten, sugar and caffeine free,” tell her all about the decadent chocolate cake you had for breakfast. Have fun with it!

If she asks you to get up at 6 am on a Saturday to help her with fundraising for some bullshit charity, tell her you can’t because you are busy…sleeping.

These whiny, miserable types need to be put in their place. She will either be inspired by your capacity for hedonistic enjoyment of life or she will be repulsed. Either way you won’t have to listen to her moaning and groaning much longer!

 

Ten of Pentacles ~ Insatiability & Rampant Consumerism! (Friday)

fridays with veronicaVeronica Noir is a lover of Tarot, cats and men in their early 20′s. Veronica spends her days eating coffee cheesecake, spying on neighbors and just being her fabulous self! Let’s see what she has to say about the Ten of Pentacles

 

ten-of-pentacles
Housewives Tarot

Beware of those who hold up certain “values” as if they were universal.

The lady in this Ten of Pentacles card is holding up the picture of a giant house as if to say “look! This is what we all should strive for – an orange mansion with strategically placed shrubbery!”

But do you notice that this domesticity-pusher is wearing an apron? It’s because she is serving an “ideal” that does not serve her. But before I go all sociology student on you….

Lets take an even closer look at this card. What is actually being held up and presented is a giant round hole – a hole that needs to be filled.

You can stuff this “hole” with all kinds of things – food, orange mansions, money, material possessions, a hunky spouse, pointless busy-ness, or my favorite one….lots of sex!

But like a Sigmund Freud nightmare, this hole is insatiable and always hungers for more. What to do? What to do?

Be a Laura Croft hole raider and find out as much as you can about your “hole” – ooh, that sounds dirty! But really, notice what you habitually try to stuff yourself with. For me, its coffee cheesecake and stiletto boots, but for you maybe it’s jumbo jets and hookers. Don’t judge yourself.

In the comments below, give me the dirty deets…what do you strive to attain in the hopes it will make you feel “whole” and satisfied?

Decisons, Choices and Other People’s Voices ~ Seven of Cups (Friday)

fridays with veronicaVeronica Noir is The Daily Tarot Girl’s fearless, daring (yet evil!) twin. When she isn’t offering up salacious advice on a Friday, she’s cruising around the Mediterranean on her yacht with a couple of boy-toys, a good book and a cool mojito. In other words, this crazy bitch knows how to have a good time! Here’s her take on the Seven of Cups

seven of cups tarot card
Housewive’s Tarot

Choices, choices!

This lady seems to be pondering her choice of drink “Hmmm, what should I have? The Long Island Iced Tea, the dirty martini, the G&T, the rum and coke, or the…”

Um, slow down Betty! Maybe you should just have a water.

Today you will be faced with a multitude of choices – which are all the same.

If you find yourself in a state of indecision or overwhelm, maybe its because all the options are a bit blah.

Don’t let anyone railroad you into making a decision that you aren’t 100% happy with. The unimaginative, raggedy-ass masses that surround you will say that you have to decide and make some concessions. F*ck em!

If you don’t like the options on the table, create new ones.

Oh, and if I were that sulky lady in the card, I’d pick the tall orange drink in the top right. Looks fruity!

Drive off a Cliff! ~ The Lovers (Friday)

friday's with veronicaVeronica Noir is a writer of smut, maker of cocktails and The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil, evil twin. When not reading Tarot she can be found lounging poolside in her neighbors yard (when they aren’t home) and lamenting the depressing lack of hot, young man-meat in her town. Let’s see what dreadful advice she has for you today…

the lovers
Housewives Tarot

The Lovers! Such an exciting, sexy card to get on a Friday.

How passionate is your life? An how interesting are the people in it? Is it so passionate and interesting that you may drive off a cliff without noticing simply because the conversation is so fascinating?

No? Well, why the f*ck not?!

This rendition of The Lovers is supposed to serve as a warning – get too caught up in the heart pounding excitement of life and you will end up plunging head first off a cliff and into the ocean, only to be eaten by hungry sharks with a hankering for human thigh meat.

Well, that’s just silly! Don’t fall for that crapolla.

This weekend, make a commitment to start living a passionate life. Only do things that are so freaking fascinating that you have absolutely no clue what’s going on around you. Not sure how? Here’s my 3-step process:

1) Stop wasting precious time making small talk with boring people (avoid talking about the weather, health issues and people’s kids or grandchildren – that shit is grade A boring)

2) Make a bunch of boring rules for yourself (such as no sex on the first date, no drinking before 4pm and no fried food), then break them all in one night.

3) Do at least one thing on your “bucket list” every weekend – without panties.

In the comments below, tell me one thing that’s on your bucket list that you are going to do next…..and I will hold you to it!

Temperance ~ Variety is the Spice of Life!

fridays with veronicaVeronica Noir is a whip cracking, advice giving, diva extraordinaire who loves her Tarot cards almost as much as her fabulous self. She is the Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin and can’t wait to mess up your life with her cracked out advice……

temperance tarot card meaning
Housewives Tarot

Temperance is the Tarot card of the day and it answers the question what makes life so much fun?

A mix of things! Don’t let those fools in your life tell you that there is just one secret ingredient to happiness. There are many….

Variety is the spice of life and unfortunately you probably don’t have much of that in your day to day routine, do you?

Society is set up in such a way so that it becomes hard to find variety – boring things like monogamy and a steady job can get you down in the dumps. But cheer up! I have a saucy suggestion…

Create balance and variety in your life by breaking some rules. By its very nature, modern life is completely out of balance and totally fucked up. Here’s how to remedy that:

1) Call in sick and take a beach day (but wear a hat and sunglasses so no one recognizes you!)

2) Have a hot, steamy affair (even if its just in your head)

3) Have another hot, steamy affair (even if its just with your husband dressed up in drag)

4) Perform one act of rebellion every day – ignore your alarm clock, cancel your cable TV, keep your cell phone turned off all day long, that kind of thing!

Nine of Cups ~ Give to Yourself First!

fridays with veronicaVeronica Noir is a Tarot reader, dominatrix, exhibitionist and the Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin. She has an unhealthy addiction to online shopping, watching kitten videos on YouTube and of course, trolling for younger men and lying about her age! Here are her words of wisdom…

nine of cups tarot card
Housewives Tarot

When I read Tarot cards, I like to make up pretend dialogues in my head.

I picture the chick in this card going “This had better be that gold plated vibrator I asked for and not some cheap crap from Wal-Mart again!”

And he’s all like “Open it bitch!”

Ahhh, the spirit of giving. How do you feel about receiving gifts? Pretty good?

What about receiving gifts (or help) from total strangers? Or those with less money than you? Or those with more money than you?

Giving and receiving can be fraught with tension. But the real question is: how do you feel about giving to yourself?

Make today a You-Day. Pamper yourself like never before. Take yourself out to lunch, buy something luxurious and impractical and take an hour long bath – but don’t be stingy with the hot water!

Once you are generous with yourself, you can be generous to others. Or you may choose to continue just being generous to yourself…that’s okay too – I don’t judge!

The Hierophant ~ Ignore the Control Freaks! (Friday)

fridays with veronicaVeronica Noir, the The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin, is a Tarot reader extraordinaire who gets her thrills by spying on neighbors with binoculars, doing nude yoga in her backyard and eating coconut ice cream straight out of the carton. Here’s her take on The Hierophant…

the-hierophant
The Housewives Tarot

It’s Friday! Time to ignore the presumptuous dictators in your life.

Is there some douche-bag in your life who likes to tell you what to do all the time? Like a neighbor that tells you to stop doing nude yoga on your deck because he finds if “offensive”….pfffft!

Tune them out and get on with your fabulous life.

The Hierophant does not refer only to annoying people, but also to various forms of mind control, like the media which is constantly pumping out a barrage of depressing ideas and useless information. Your mind absorbs this junk like a sponge. Even if you are a smarty pants.

Try unplugging your TV and ignoring your newspapers for a couple of weeks and see how happy it makes you feel. Trust me, this works better than a Prozac-Cocaine cocktail and there are no side effects, unless you count unexplained bliss and non-existent anxiety.

If you get bored, just spy on your neighbors with binoculars instead of watching TV in the evenings.

Four of Pents – Don’t Hoard Your Goodies!

fridays with veronicaVeronica is the Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin. She spends her days eating bon bons, writing smut, and prowling around the neighborhood for younger men. Oh, and she also reads Tarot…

four of pentacles
Housewives Tarot

Are you saving the fine china for “guests”? Are your lamp shades covered in plastic? Do you have protective coverings on your car seats? Well, knock it off! That’s totally lame!

The Four of Pentacles suggests you just may be hoarding the best parts of yourself for later. But there is no later! There is only NOW!

Of course, you are feeling all delicate about really busting loose and putting yourself out there. Just look at the face of that woman/cabinet. She is thinking “oh no, not the good china! It may get chipped or broken.”

Don’t be such a wimp. You have shiny, awesome things inside you – not literally, but metaphorically. Unless you’ve been eating jewelery. So share the best parts of yourself with others and don’t hold back.

And while your at it, take the plastic off your lampshades because it makes your living room look like Sears!

Queen of Swords: Give Your Life the Snip-Snip (Friday)

friday's with veronica

My evil, Tarot reading twin Veronica is commandeering Friday’s on my blog. I am giving her her very own day! Each Friday she will deliver a reading chalk full of horrid advice and inappropriate suggestions. I strongly advise you to take everything she says with a grain of salt…

queen of swords
The Housewives Tarot

The Queen of Swords in this Housewive’s Tarot is a terror with a pair of garden shears who goes around carelessly castrating roses – particularly those with men’s faces on them?!

This Queen doesn’t stand of any B.S. If your not up to snuff, she gives you the snip snip…and she does it with a smile.

Be this Queen today and gleefully cut back what isn’t working in your life.

Job pissing you off?…..phone in sick.

Friend who won’t shut up about her problems?…..hang up on her.

Cable company sends you a notice that they will be increasing your rates again? Phone them and cancel your cable. F**k em. Play hardball.

Think about what you can do without – for me its TV, a cell phone, junk food and newspapers – and cut those things out of your life for a while and see what happens. You aren’t depriving yourself – you’re cutting yourself free.

Tell me in the comments below…what useless crap will you be deep sixing today?