Veronica Noir

Tired of being nice all the time? Read this….

International Woman of Leisure by day, whipcracking Tarot Reader by night! Veronica is my evil twin and she took a quick break from eating bon bons to write you this tidbit of tasty advice….so take it!

Housewives Tarot

Do you notice how the “bad boys” get all the love?

And how the nice guys in their pastel turtleneck sweaters fail to set your loins aflame?

What if James Bond became an insurance salesman and stopping killing people and leaping across rooftops?

You would need to re-cast someone else in your sex fantasies.

And if you think this only applies to men and not women your dead wrong. Guys love bitches!

Remember Betty and Veronica? Betty was nice, considerate and…..had no worshipers falling at her feet, unlike Veronica, the mean, cold, selfish one.

So don’t be afraid to be a bit of a dick today. Be a little bit dangerous. Complain about your lukewarm soup! Refuse to donate to that boring charity! Sneer at all the cute boys you see today!

Whatever you do, just don’t be nice, for God’s sake!

Tired of being nice all the time? Read this…. Read More »

The joys of being unproductive

Veronica is my evil twin and Tarot reading superstar! She’s been spending these dreary Fall days cooped up with a dirty book, eating leftover Halloween candy….leftover because she refused to answer the door to trick or treaters. Why waste good candy?

tarot of the pagan cats — Tarot of the Pagan Cats

You know what isn’t celebrated enough? Unproductivity.

Sure, it’s great to be epically creative and to occupy one’s time with noble activities, BUT…

Being unproductive lets you step out of the rat race and stop destroying the planet for a second.

However….are you unproductive because you’re bored? Or because you like practicing the fine art of leisure?

The cat on the four of cups seems to be saying “fuck thiiiiiissss. I couldn’t give two shits about another golden cup. Bo-ring!”

Boredom lets you know that something is amiss in your life. Being unproductive is your way of refusing to give any more energy to something that sucks.

So don’t apologize to anyone for being useless…you know what you’re doing!

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Why “letting go of the past” is the worst idea….ever!

October 2016, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / October 28, 2016

Veronica is my evil twin sister and Tarot reading queen. When she isn’t writing for my blog, she’s slinking around being sexy and mysterious and getting into mischief!

The message of this card is clear. Cling to the past with an iron grip because if you don’t what stories will you tell yourself when you’re bored and waiting in the dentist’s office with no one to talk to?

If you don’t cling to the past, what the f*ck are you going to talk about on your next gossip lunch?

There is nothing – I repeat nothing – better than telling a story to a table of “ladies” that sounds like “so I said _____and she was all like _____ and I couldn’t believe it! Then I said….”

If you just let go of the past, what’s left? Inner peace? That’s boring.

Your past provides you with a rich tapestry of bullshitty smalltalk topics from which to draw upon. What would you do without it? Just gaze lovingly into your conversation opponent’s eyes and connect with his soul? UGH!

Halloween Special!(1)

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Are you a terrible person? Take the Quiz!

3 Comments / October 2016, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / October 21, 2016

This week my evil twin Veronica decided to throw caution to the wind and skip the Tarot reading altogether. Instead, she’s giving you a quiz to help you answer the one question that probably keeps you up at night: am I a terrible person? Let Veronica decide…

There is no greater pleasure than _________________
a. Farting in the grocery store
b. Skipping out of work early to go home and masturbate
c. Reading Tony Robbins books
~~~
The one thing you miss most about your last job was ____________
a. The malicious gossip
b. Hot sex fests in the file room with the newest intern
c. Being part of a really top-notch Team! Because you’re a “team player”
~~~
When you get together with a good friend for coffee, you usually _____________
a. Stuff your faces with cinnamon buns and talk shit about everyone you both know
b. Give him/her a voracious play by play of the last time you banged someone
c. Ask them how their kids are and listen attentively
~~~
You call in sick to work because ______________
a. You have better shit to do
b. You wanted to sleep in, fap and then spend all afternoon watching porn
c. Ummm, you never call in sick. It isn’t fair to the other people at work.
~~~
Every Christmas you make a special point to ____________
a. Buy yourself lots of stuff
b. Put on a tinsel g-string and go grind on some poor, hapless shopping mall Santa
c. Volunteer at a homeless shelter
~~~
On your fridge, you display ____________
a. Unpaid parking tickets – they make you laugh!
b. All the dick pics you’ve ever been sent
c. Positive quotes like “It Takes More Muscles to Frown than it does to Smile” and “Keep Calm and Carry On”
~~~
The glove box in your car contains _____________
a. Black leather gloves….for murdering people
b. Condoms, handcuffs, Vaseline – you know, the usual!
c. A First Aid kit and a map. Oh, and kleenex.

Tally Up Your Results!

Mostly A’s – Angel without a Cause
Wow! You are BAD-ASS! Murdering people, talking smack about others, blowing off work because you don’t give a f*ck. You’ve got it goin’ on, and it’s hot. Boring, uptight people might think you’re terrible, but anyone cool knows better. You know what you want and you aren’t afraid to get it. And there’s nothing terrible about that. Keep it up, hot stuff!

Mostly B’s – Just a Pervert
You’re not a terrible person. You’re a sex addict. This means you provide riveting, sordid stories at ladies luncheons and you can spice up a boring wedding like no other. But there’s more to life than nailing hot interns, afternoon fapfests and laughing at penis photos. Or is there?

Mostly C’s – The Worst. Ever.
Well, I don’t know how to say this, but….you’re kind of a terrible person. Volunteering? Positive quotes? Tony Robbins?! WTF?! Seriously, you need help. I don’t want you anywhere near my cats. Oh god, I bet your couch is beige, isn’t it? ISN’T IT? It’s people like you who make this world a bland, depressing place. Just stay away…STAY AWAY!!!….Wait, that was unfair. I apologize. You need to go back over the quiz and study all the A answers and start putting them to practice in your daily life. I will make a decent human being out of you yet….

Defer Pleasure. Whaaaat?!

October 2016, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / October 14, 2016

Veronica is my evil twin and alter ego. When she isn’t on the prowl for some sweet young thing, she’s taking over my laptop, knocking back the lime margarita’s as she frantically types out these skanky readings for you…

Universal Waite Tarot Deck (U.S. Games Inc)

The Nine of Cups is all about indulgence and having it all!

Roman orgies, rivers of wine and giant marshmallow houses come to mind for some reason.

And there’s nothing better than having more than enough and getting to sit around on your ass doing nothing (like the dude on this card).

And yet…

Wild orgies get boring when you have them every night. Chocolate covered caramels taste like ass wax when you eat them non-stop. And loafing around watching Scream Queens on Netflix isn’t very thrilling when you do it everyday.

The key to true indulgence and true pleasure is this: the degree of enjoyment goes up when the degree of frequency goes down.

A gorgeous, creamy, seafood stuffed crepe with fries tastes way better after a hard workout than after an afternoon of lazing around. Trust me.

So tell me…what pleasure will you be deferring today?

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Why Praise Totally Blows

5 Comments / October 2016, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / October 7, 2016

My evil twin Veronica is baaaack! She’s well rested, tanned and shockingly sober for a Friday afternoon. After a long, exotic vacation from her hectic lifestyle of sunshine naps and afternoon faps, she’s ready to rock!

Universal Waite Tarot (U.S. Games Systems Inc)

The Six of Wands is about getting praise and admiration for some kind of achievement.

You know what I say to that? BLEH!

If this sick society is patting you on the back for something, chances are you’ve taken a wrong turn.

Don’t live your life to impress anyone other than yourself. And no, I’m not a sociopath for saying that. You can still help others and be kind – but do it because it feels good for you.

And here’s a tip straight from Veronica’s Big Book of Secrets: when you live life on your own terms, don’t go expecting people to pull out the red carpet for you and applaud your decisions.

Living by your own rules and following your heart sometimes means that almost everyone will think your insane. Or worse….they might even feel sorry for you!

But guess what? YOU won’t feel sorry for you – you’ll be too busy living your fab life and rolling around in a bed of truffle wrappers, kittens and boy toys (or maybe that’s just me!)

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Focus on the Negative (just for today)

6 Comments / August 2016, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / August 26, 2016

Veronica is my evil twin and fellow Tarot reader. She banged out this reading on her laptop in between episodes of daydrunkeness, so I hope you like it!

five of pents — Linestrider Tarot by Siolo Thompson

There’s pleasure in misery and no one depicts it better than this mopey owl in the Five of Cups who seems to be dwelling on her busted eggs and ignoring the good ones just so she can whine endlessly about it to her friends later.

Ever wonder why you tend to focus on the negative in your life and ignore the positive?

Ever wonder why you remember that one person who was a total dick to you today but you’ve already forgotten about all the boring nice people?

It’s because you want an excuse to be a bitch to everyone….as if you needed one!

Whatever you do don’t focus on the positive. That’s for average people with no imagination. Artistic creativity always emerges from endless bitching – or is it endless hardship?

So focus on what didn’t go right with your day – talk about it, gossip about it, dwell on it, re-imagine it in a more painful way or even write a piece of short fiction about it. At least no one will be jealous of you!

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Don’t eat the cookies just because they’re there

August 2016, Uncategorized, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / August 19, 2016

Veronica is my evil twin and co-tarot reader and on Friday’s I let her take the reins. She wrote this while eating pink frosted cupcakes on a red velvet divan, being fanned by willing boy toys.

Housewives Tarot

The other day I was bored and scrounging in my freezer and I found a sad little ziploc bag with three broken shortbread cookies.

These cookies were old, store bought and not even that good when they were fresh. Yet I opened the bag and ate them. I did not enjoy them, but I didn’t stop at one – I ate all three.

It made me wonder….if I wasn’t even hungry and I didn’t even like them, why did I eat them?

I ate them because they were there and I was bored.

It suddenly dawned on me that perhaps this is why everyone is so miserable all the time! We are making choices based on what’s in front of us and not what we really want.

Having sex with your spouse, socializing with your neighbor, shopping at Wal-Mart – are these things you enjoy doing? Or do you do them because they are convenient and right in front of you?

Remember when you were four and your conniving mom would be all like “do you want a carrot or a celery stick?” as if twizzlers didn’t even exist and now your government is all like “will you be voting republican or democrat?” as if anarchy wasn’t an option.

Just because something is right in front of you and easy pickins, doesn’t make it a good choice. This weekend, let your passion guide you – no more easy, mediocre choices – and who knows? Maybe you’ll end up having sex…with your neighbour…in Wal-mart!

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“I Don’t Play Games” = B.S.

4 Comments / August 2016, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / August 12, 2016

Happy Friday! Let me introduce you to my evil twin sister, Veronica. She lives to smear her bitchy attitude all over your mind and dish out her best advice. When she isn’t busy seducing everyone, day drinking in her backyard and doing nude kung fu, that is.

While trolling online dating sites for young men last night, I kept seeing phrases like I don’t want to play games or no games, please.

You know what? I call bullshit.

Would a cat enjoy it if you threw a dead bird at its feet? Of course not. It wants to hunt, to play, to sink it’s teeth into something warm, pounding and alive!

When it comes to romance, not playing games is like being a dead bird. And no one wants to f*ck a dead bird, trust me.

But it got me thinking….everyone’s all like just be real, man and yeah! authenticity! and you know what? I don’t think that’s what anyone actually wants. Mystery is hot.

We’re on this earth to play games, to throw ourselves headfirst into the drama and to pretend we are something we are not – it’s the whole point of life!

So this weekend, don’t hold back. Play those games! Keep secrets! Flirt with inappropriate people! And watch your life become your very own reality TV show – when you’ve got your own drama, you won’t need shitty TV.

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Meditation = Doing Nothing!

3 Comments / August 2016, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / August 5, 2016

Veronica is my evil twin/alter ego who reads Tarot on my blog every Friday! In between reading Tarot you can find her getting day drunk on her balcony, snoring in a yoga class and on AshleyMadison.com, pretending to be married.

Ascended Masters Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue

Are you one of those people who think you should meditate, but never seem to get around to it?

Here’s a tip: Meditation is just doing nothing.

Everyone thinks it’s some mystical thing requiring discipline and spirituality. It isn’t.

I would say it’s just like being lazy but it’s so much more than that…..it’s being lazy on purpose!

The reason you’re having trouble meditating is because you’re associating it with monks and jerks who do yoga. Stop it!

Meditation is the ultimate freedom – better than rollerskating with no underpants on or calling in fake-sick to work and staying home to eat chocolate-peanut-butter Coconut Bliss ice cream while watching Vampire Diaries re-runs on Netflix.

Want to meditate more? Start thinking of it as a time when you don’t have to do shit. You don’t even have to think! Which is probably why you watch all those stupid TV shows in the first place! Am I right?

Meditation = Doing Nothing! Read More »