My evil twin Veronica Noir is back with a vengeance and she’s writing about her favorite topic – penis symbols in the Tarot. Why do I let this depraved woman write guest posts on my blog? I will never know…
Have you noticed how there seems to be a suspicious amount of phallic imagery in the Tarot? No? It’s just me? Well anyway…
Wands, swords, scepters, torches, pillars and walking sticks – it seems like anyone whose anyone in the Tarot is triumphantly grasping some kind of pole.
Before you scoff at this idea, I want to you grab your Tarot deck and have a gander. You will notice that nearly every Major Arcana card features someone holding a long, hard object. I am not being crude here – just telling it like it is!
In case you were doubting this King’s potency, he is wielding a giant phallus in this left hand (Rider-Waite Tarot)
The Minor Arcana cards are no exception to this rule, either. The entire suit of Wands and Swords feature numerous phallus-like symbols on every card.
So what’s with all the phallus’s????? This is a question I have been meticulously pondering all week.
So lets start with talking about what a phallus (aka penis-shaped object) symbolizes.
A phallus represents male energy. Think power, potency, fertility, passion, action and extroversion.
The suits of Swords and Wands are “male” suits. The Swords suit deals with thought/mind/rationality, which are stereotypically associated with maleness in our culture (even though we all know that’s just silly!) And the Wands suit symbolizes passion and action which is, again, is often associated more with masculinity than femininity.
The other two suits in the Tarot – Pentacles and Cups – are female suits. The Cup and Pentacle both symbolize the womb. The suit of Cups is all about emotion, feeling and relationships, while Pentacles is about home, health and the body – all things typically associated with women.
Trumpet or phallic symbol? You decide… (Crystal Visions Tarot)
To sum things up, the Suit of Swords and the Suit of Wands represent extroverted qualities – and the penis is the perfect symbol of extroversion since it is literally extroverted. Vaginas and wombs are literally introverted, therefore, the female suits of Cups and Pentacles stand for introverted qualities.
I hope I haven’t lost you in all this rambling about penis and vagina symbols. Anyhow…
Try this:
Ask yourself “what is my relationship to power?” Now, choose a Tarot card. Notice if there is a phallic symbol on your card.
What is the phallic symbol doing? Is it penetrating someone from behind like in the Ten of Swords? Or laying limply on the floor like in the Four of Swords?
How is this symbol being held? Proudly or nonchalantly? Is the phallus a burden like in the Ten of Wands and Two of Swords, or is it something you want to steal, like in the Five of Swords and Seven of Swords?
Some other cool questions to ask are:
What role does passion play in my life right now?
What do I need to know about “taking action” in my life?
How is my masculine energy showing up for me?
Whenever a penis-like object shows up in a reading ask yourself what role it plays in that card. Then relate it to either power, passion or action. And voila! Magical insights explode onto the scene!
In the comments below, tell me what card you chose and what you think the phallus symbol means to you….can’t wait to read these comments 😉
Veronica Noir is a lover of Tarot, writer of erotic fiction and The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin. She lives for cappuccino cheesecake, bitchy cats, eavesdropping in coffee shops, conspiracy theories and the occasional skinny dip.
Meet my evil, Tarot reading twin Veronica! There’s nothing she hates more than giving to others…unless it’s a weird, creepy, totally inappropriate gift. Whether your unemployed and totally broke or part of the .001% and looking for new, inventive ways to blow your money, Veronica’s got you covered!
WARNING! The following post is written by Veronica Noir, my evil twin. While I’m all love, light and classiness, Veronica is the exact opposite. You’ve been warned.
It’s that time of year again. The time when we’re supposed to pretend to like giving to others. But let’s be honest. You don’t want to blow your hard earned cash on unappreciative people whose mindless chatterings bore you to tears. Aaaand you probably don’t want to get your best friend another boring scented candle again, right?
Good news! I’ve got your back. Here are my hottest go-to holiday gift ideas, most of which will cost you $0, perfect for all the different time vampires in your life…
Best friends are tricky to buy for – you want to get them something nice but you don’t want to spend any money on them, so here’s a gift that lets you indulge both your generous and cheap side.
Naturally scented bath salts are luxurious, healing, rejuvenating….and easy as fuck to throw together at the last minute!
How to: Find a decent looking jar, set aside. Mix 1 or 2 cups of epsom salts with a few drops of essential oil. If your lazy, just do lavender. If you’re a real type A, go-getter, mix lavender with something else, like sage or rosemary. Put scented salts in jar and maybe stick a bow on it or something.
Option B – Celebrity Bath Salts!
Vin Diesel bath salts
If your best friend has a sense of humour, or if you think just bath salts isn’t enough, then you can add a quirky twist by inserting a photo of a celebrity into the salt jar. Let me explain.
Last year I gave a very lucky friend of mine Vin Diesel bath salts. I cut out a large photo of Vin Diesel’s head that I found in an old People magazine, scotch taped it into the inside of an old mustard jar and then filled it with the scented salt. It was a hit!
Your Co-worker
Gift: An autographed and framed photo of their celebrity crush!
Cost: Free!
Tools needed: picture of a celebrity, picture frame, pen
Co-workers are so weird to buy gifts for. You see them all the time so you kind of hate them, but you also want to make them smile sometimes. Well, this is how…
Learn who your co-worker’s celeb crush is. If they won’t divulge, assume it’s David Hasselhof.
How to: Get on the internet and find a photo of that celeb. Print it off. Write a very personal message on the photo, like “To (insert co-workers name here), my #1 fan!” and autograph it. Put the signed photo in a shitty dollar store frame and wrap it up!
Not only will they be surprised, they will LOVE it and display it on their work desk with pride! Trust me.
Secret Santa
Gift: An old paperback romance, with the dirty parts highlighted and bookmarked. Yes!
Cost: Free if you already have an old romance paperback kicking around somewhere.
Tools needed: old romance novel, highlighter and sticky tabs.
No need to waste time looking for the smutty parts!
No Christmas function would be complete without the requisite secret Santa gifting tradition. These are fun because you can get totally inappropriate gifts for people and no one will know it’s you.
When I used to work in an office, we played secret Santa at our Christmas party. The name I drew out of the hat was an uptight guy in his mid forties who I’d barely talked to. What was I supposed to get him? Luckily, I had a great idea.
I had dozens of old, mildew covered romance novels from the 1980’s sitting in a box in my crawl space. I went through each one, picking out the steamiest scenes, highlighting them with a florescent yellow marker and dog earring the pages.
When he opened the gift he was confused. So I enthusiastically explained that all the sex bits were highlighted for him so he didn’t have to waste time looking for them. We all had a good laugh!
I didn’t get fired for sexual harassment because it was 2003.
The casual acquaintance who bought you a gift last year and so now you have to buy her one. Fuck.
Gift: Homemade, Celeb themed Christmas tree decorations
First of all, these people are annoying. They love making themselves look good and others feel guilty and obligated. Fuck these people. Get them a gift that will leave them confused and weirded out – so weirded out that they decide to NOT get you a gift next year, thus breaking the cycle of obligation.
Some people will actually LOVE getting celebrity themed Christmas tree decorations (like your best bud or quirky co-worker), but the casual acquaintance who for some fucked up reason bought you a really expensive, thoughtful gift last year, won’t.
How to: slam a few glasses of wine and rifle through an old issue of US Weekly or People magazine, snipping out pics of random celebs as you go.
Get an old cardboard or cereal box and cut out Christmas tree ornament sized shapes, like stars, hearts and circles. Now fine tune your celeb pics so they fit nicely on the bits of cardboard. Glue or tape them on.
Now, cover the edges in glue and dip in glitter or paint with gold paint, to give them that holiday sparkle. Punch a hole in the top, put a string through and tie it.
BOOM! Holiday magic achieved!
Family Members
You know what? These jerks deserve some homemade celebrity x-mas decorations too!
This year my mom’s getting a Prince William decoration. Does she like the royals? No. She hates them. Too bad mom!
Nothing says festive like a smiling Royal!
For Your Self
Gift: Crystal Pleasure Wand
Cost: $170 – $325
For the most important person in your life, go balls to the wall overboard and spend a shitload on something splashy.
Use code TAROT10 to get 10% off
Don’t hold back. Your relationship with yourself is the one relationship you can never get out of, so don’t disappoint yourself this year.
Treat yourself to a crystal pleasure wand – it’s hands down the most magical, mystical dildo you will ever own.
Plastic sex toys are so 2010. You deserve the best. You deserve a solid amethyst phallus! Or rose quartz. Or obsidian. Whatever floats your sexy boat!
Chakrubs is the place to go for high quality crystal pleasure tools – all their products are ethically sourced and are of outstanding quality. There’s lots of poor quality crystal dongs flying around the market, so don’t be bamboozled by the cheaper knockoffs out there.
(I love this company so much I’m an affiliate! Use code TAROT10 to get 10% off your order!)
For your Lover
Gift: Homemade Crotchless Panties
Cost: Free!
Tools needed: scissors, an old pair of undies.
For the second most important person in your life, don’t hold back. Go big. Go wild. Go homemade. Make them a pair of handcrafted, artisanal crotchless panties!
After you blow your wad (of cash!) on a crystal wand for yourself, you’ll probably want to cheap out on this one. And that’s okay. Your lover will appreciate your ability to combine thrift with sensual creativity.
How to: rifle through your lover’s underwear drawer when they’re not home and select their favorite pair. God, they’re going to love this! Now, snip out the crotch part with a pair of scissors. Voila!
Now Get Crafting!
Well, I’ve given you plenty of creative ideas for some spectacular (and thrifty) homemade gifts this year. You’re welcome.
You’re friends, frenemies, lovers, coworkers and family won’t know what got into you this year! Make x-mas 2020 a holiday to remember ♥
Veronica Noir is my evil Tarot reading twin. Man-eater by night, day drinker by day, Tarot reader on Fridays. She’s hear to ejaculate some spice and deviousness into your life!
Crystal Visions Tarot
I’m going to be straight up with you. I’m burnt out. I’m exhausted. I’m all out of bitchy things to say.
Today I drew a card and all I could think was I need a fucking nap.
So I’m going to turn it over to you, Tarot reading star!
When you look at The Devil, what do you see? What advice do you have for me…and for anyone else reading this post?
International Woman of Leisure by day, whipcracking Tarot Reader by night! Veronica is my evil twin and she’s here to give you some practical gift giving tips, while coming off as incredibly shallow and
Robin Wood Tarot
So today’s Tarot card is Ace of Wands – take a gooood look at it….
And instead of writing about dicks, I’m going to talk about crafts. That’s right – crafts.
The Ace of Wands is all about getting inspired and creating stuff. So get your ass down to your local craft shop, like right this f*cking minute.
I love shopping at Micheals because I am always the sexiest person in there…and that’s not saying much.
This Christmas don’t go to the shitty mall to buy gifts – that place sucks. Make your own. Be self sufficient for once.
Here is my ultimate homemade Christmas gift list – for ALL the nimwits on your list this year:
The Stressed out Mom or Workaholic
Everyone knows someone who gives too much or works too much and never relaxes. It’s an illness. This person needs aromatherapy bath salts. Will they actually take some time out for a hot bath and use these? No. But that’s their fucking problem.
Ingredients: Epsom Salts (Costco has huge containers of this really cheap), essential oils of choice, glass mason jars, ribbons and that kind of shit.
fill a large bowl with salts, add essential oils and mix. I usually just freestyle it, but you can probably find exact recipes online. Figure it out.
Put smelly salts into mason jars and decorate with ribbons and bows. Voila!
Your Boss
Let’s be honest – your micromanaging boss probably doesn’t even deserve a gift from you this year. So have fun with this and make him an expressive collage painting.
Cut out pics of tampons and celebs from magazines and crazy personal ads in the back of the paper and paste them onto a piece of cardboard along with bits of fabric and colored papers. Smear some paint around it and insist he hang it in his office.
This gift works great for inlaws, too.
The Cool Person in your life
It could be a lover, a best friend or even yourself. This person deserves something edgy and unique, something that NO ONE ELSE will ever buy them.
They deserve the Veronica Noir workbook Your Alter Ego Revealed!
Packed with funsheets, quizzes and delightful drawings of cats, feather boas, cupcakes and of course me, Veronica! Part coloring book, part playbook, part journal, this will make the perfect gift for anyone on your list who isn’t a major douche.
*Update: this workbook is no longer available (sorry!)
Who doesn’t like to stuff their faces with tasty treats? Well, anorexics and health freaks – so give them the bath salts.
A tin of homemade cookies is a classic gift. Use GMO flour and refined sugar for the people you secretly hate but still need to give a gift to for social reasons.
And if you’re really lazy, just stuff the tins with storebought cookies. Fuck it.
Veronica Noir is my batshit crazy twin sister. She is just like me except she’s brilliant, has no sense of guilt or shame, speaks her mind and does whatever she wants, when she wants! Kind of like a psychopath….but with a heart of gold. Oh, and she also reads Tarot…
Happy Friday!
The Goddess Sige is here to tell you to “shut the f*ck up!”
Oh wait, that’s not was she’s saying….she says “take some quiet time alone to rest, meditate and contemplate.”
She’s not just referring to physical chitter chatter, either. The more you quite your inner blatherings, the more in-touch with your divinity you will be.
Take a nap this weekend. Isloate yourself and ignore friends and family. They only distract you from achieving pure nirvana.
Your ego hates it when you get quiet! Remember that. Whenever you meditate, you are annoying the living crap out of your ego.
This fact alone can make meditation a more enjoyable, deliciously mischievous experience
Veronica Noir, my evil counterpart, is too busy lounging on a yacht in the Hawaiian Islands – surrounded by glistening boy-toys – to write today’s reading. So I’ve taken an old reading from a year ago and I’m totally recycling it. God, what would Veronica think? She hates people who recycle.
You are a multifaceted creature – never forget it! That is what The World is sayin’ to me today.
There are many different aspects to your personality and who you are, so don’t let yourself get pigeonholed into any silly “roles” or “personas” – the world is wide open!
Lets take a gander at this card, shall we? The naked lady in the center is dancing inside an ovally, egg shaped space – and if that’s not blatant vagina symbolism, well then I don’t know what is! And she grasps a phallic object in each hand (lucky bitch).
There is something wonderfully hermaphroditic aboutThe World and its message is that you must be both receptive and active in order to truly be Queen (or King) of your surroundings.
Make a to-do list AND meditate. Let go of trying to control everything AND make a plan of action. Say YES to things that make you feel open and free (like a trip to Vegas!) and NO to things that make you want to crawl back in bed (like a friend’s boring baby-shower).
You get the idea! Open yourself to the world by opening up to all aspects of yourself without judgement.
Because I am nosy, I want to know…how will you be expressing your “masculine” and “feminine” sides this weekend? Tell me in the comments below!
Veronica Noir, The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil counterpart, is here to kick some sense into you with her uncompassionate style of Tarot reading. She usually writes these half-drunk, so take her advice with a grain of salt…or a tablespoon!
Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffi
Are you tired of spending your hard earned money on totally boring things like insurance, taxes, RRSPs and toothpaste?
The Four of Coinsnymph is here to suggest that you start spending your cash on the things that matter – lavish dinners, theater tickets, Turkish towels and gigolos!
That is what money was made for! Not all this boring shit that seems to consume 100% of your income. Good God!
Some people think the Four of Coins (aka Four of Pentacles) is about being cheap or feeling the need to pinch pennies. But it’s not!
Its about feeling pissed off that you have to spend so much money on totally pointless stuff that brings you absolutely no pleasure whatsoever. Like spending tons of money on a modest, unsexy car….so you can drive to work everyday.
So this weekend, blow your dough on something totally delicious. Something totally extravagant. Something totally….hedonistic!
In the comments below, tell me what one awesome thing you are going to spend your money on this weekend….and please don’t say “penny slots” or Doritos. Fuck!
Veronica Noir is an anarchist, International woman of mystery, banana bread lover, frantic scrawler of smut and just happens to be my evil twin/alter ego. And that sneaky little witch has gotten into my Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards again…..
Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
The goddess Sulis is here to tell you to “Spend time near water, such as a lake, river, or the ocean, to recharge your batteries.”
OR…..
Get drunk in the bathtub!
But in all seriousness, you really need to drag your ass over to some water. Preferably loud, roaring water like a ferocious river so that your incessant thoughts and the voices of dumbf*cks all around you will be droned out.
There’s something very rejuvenating about massive bodies of water. Have you noticed this?
Your life could be a total shitstorm, but spend a few minutes gazing out at the sea or floating in a lake and you’re all like what was my problem again?
Also, we can learn a lot from water. Water flows. Obstacles be damned. Water is powerful. It’s everywhere. Still water gets slimy and scuzzy.
What kind of body of water are YOU? Are you a raging river, a torrential downpour, a still, calm lake or a magnificent ocean?
Veronica Noir, The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil counterpart, is here to kick some sense into you with her uncompassionate style of Tarot reading. She usually writes these half-drunk, so take her advice with a grain of salt…or a tablespoon!
Tarot of the Dream Enchantress
Today’s Tarot card is the Five of Cups, and boy oh boy is this mermaid PISSED!
This lady of the sea is knocking her cups this way and that shouting “well this is shit! This is shit! Don’t want this!”
Can you relate? I know I can!
Your life needs an overhaul. And guess what? It’s going to take more than the occasional yoga class or date night to vamp it up properly.
First of all, let me just say this: Of course your in a miserly state! People are dicks and life isn’t the cake walk that The Secret claimed it to be. I know, I know.
But you need to get a grip. Things aren’t so glum! The three cups at the bottom of the card represent three sneaky things you can do right now that will inject some orgasmicness into your veins…
No, not heroin. I was thinking salsa dancing lessons or something along those lines. But whatever you do, get out of your funk already. Because its totally boring.
Veronica Noir is my batshit crazy twin sister. She is just like me except she’s brilliant, has no sense of guilt or shame, speaks her mind and does whatever she wants, when she wants! Kind of like a psychopath….but with a heart of gold. Oh, and she also reads Tarot…
Housewives Tarot
Love, loss and betrayals of the heart! These are thing things the Three of Swords is made of. But don’t fret! All is not lost.
If you discover your lover is having an affair, you have two choices: cry into your oatmeal and listen to Taylor Swift songs as you load up your wagon and head to splitsville.
OR…
You could have a threesome!
Your welcome.
Really, its that simple. I could also have said “when life gives you lemons, make lemonaide”, but I thought you’d appreciate the x-rated version 😉
If things aren’t going your way, ask yourself how you can have some delicious fun with it. Trust me, behind every failure, infidelity or disaster is a hot, steamy encounter just waiting to happen!
