Veronica Noir

Guess what? After a 2 year hiatus, My evil twin Veronica is baaaaack! And she has everything I don’t….copious cleavage, hordes of cute guys trailing after her and a hankering for day drinking. She’s here to ejaculate some sass and giggle into your day with her Tarot “wisdom” and terrible life advice.

If you think saving the planet involves doing a bunch of stuff, you’re wrong. As usual.

If you’re serious about making this world a better place and you’re not just in it for the endless virtue-signalling, circle jerk of social media, then listen up…

You don’t actually need to do anything.

Just DON’T be an asshole!

It’s that simple.

But don’t try to be nice. Don’t try to be a “good person” because then you’d be doing something and you’d probably just fuck it up.

The Four of Swords is telling you to DO LESS. And most importantly – THINK LESS. Not in a dumb sort of way but in a relaxing sort of way.

I know everyone tells you you’re supposed to shoot for the stars and bust through your blocks and be the best version of yourself, but…. the world is also full of assholes, so maybe there’s a correlation?

Do less. Want less. Be less. Fuck things up less.

Make that your mantra for the weekend and you’re good to go!

Guess what? After a 2 year hiatus, My evil twin Veronica is baaaaack! And she has everything I don’t….copious cleavage, hordes of cute guys trailing after her and a hankering for day drinking. She’s here to ejaculate some sass and giggle into your day with her Tarot “wisdom” and terrible life advice.

Late last night as I was arranging a tray of Sicilian olives, goat cheese, chutney and crackers, I thought to myself: I may not be the most successful person I know, but I sure have mastered the art of the Midnight Snack!

There’s nothing better than a furtive and sneaky unplanned snack while the dullards sleep.

People who hate life say things like “you shouldn’t eat after 9pm.” Fuck those people.

A Midnight Snack is a sacred and subversive act of indulgence – taken at the witching hour!

The Hermit says “celebrate yourself and revel in your alone time!” You can do this by soaking in a hot bath, slamming wine by candlelight – but that’s so cliche. Instead, try stuffing your face with culinary delights as the clock strikes twelve.

Sadly, so many of us have lost this fine art of crafting a truly satisfying and soul nourishing late night snickety snack. So here are some guidelines…

Veronica’s Guide to the Perfect Midnight Snack

1) Strike a balance between junky and wholesome, with a dash of fancy. Avoid crap like cheesies and pop. Instead, try potato chips dipped in 11% plain yogurt, paired with kombucha in a champagne glass.

2) Cheese

3) The best midnight snacks consist of different variations of carbs and fats. Think crackers and cheese, chips and full fat yogurt, focaccia and olive oil, croissant and cream cheese, you get the picture!

4) Avoid sugar, it will only keep you up. Think savoury.

5) Ignore #4 – make ice cream sandwiches with homemade cookies!

6) Pie

7) Leftovers are always good. I had a cold, Asian noodle and broccoli salad the other night while I stayed up late reading ghost stories. Yum!

*Tip: Arrange your sacred snack on a fancy plate. Maybe add some toothpicks for your cheese cubes. Garnish your plate with a sprig of fresh parsely or rosemary. Treat this snack as a mini celebration….of YOU!

In the comments below, tell me… what are YOUR favorite midnight snack combos?

Guess what? After a 2 year hiatus, My evil twin Veronica is baaaaack! And she has everything I don’t….copious cleavage, hordes of cute guys trailing after her and a hankering for day drinking. She’s here to ejaculate some sass and giggle into your day with her Tarot “wisdom” and terrible life advice.

Last night while my good twin Kate was doing yoga and drinking water and I was on the couch, slamming margaritas and yelling at the TV, I had an epiphany….

For the last few months the media has been telling me all kinds of important, need-to-know things. Like what I’m supposed to be afraid of, who I’m supposed to hate, what I’m supposed to be angry about and what I’m supposed to be worried about.

Which is all well and good, but…I wasn’t cut out to be cult member.

I’d rather be a cult leader. But I don’t want the responsibility.

Soooooo…..I’ve decided to start my very own, super exclusive cult, where I’m the only one whose allowed to join. Sorry guys.

Jealous? Don’t be. It’s high time you did the same.

The laser focused gaze of The Magician sees right through you and he sees your potential. He says “start your own cult….a cult of one – you!” 

Imagine being both the charismatic leader AND the sole follower. It’s like a weird form of masturbation, right? Love it!

First step: define your own version of utopia. If you don’t do it, mainstream society will do it for you and guess what? That utopia SUCKS!

Once you have a clear idea of the world you’d like to inhabit, you are one step closer to creating that world. It’s like vision boarding, but for cool people.

In the comments below, tell me 3 things that your utopia includes. (Mine includes tree houses, creative freedom and orgies. I don’t need much.)

Veronica Noir is my evil Tarot reading twin. Man-eater by night, day drinker by day, Tarot reader on Fridays. She’s hear to ejaculate some spice and deviousness into your life!

Secrets are the spice of life! I love them. Nothing spruces up a boring party than hearing a delicious secret…or revealing one of your own!

People who say things like “secrets are toxic” or “secrets ruin relationships” don’t know the art of juicy living.

But don’t fret about those basic peeps – leave them to their ham sandwiches and polyester shirts, because you’ve got thrills to give and a life to live!

This Summer is all about secrets – and you can’t have secrets if you just behave yourself all the time 😉

So get out there and do things that need to be hidden, things you wouldn’t want just anyone knowing about. Before you know it you’ll be a beacon of mystery, living a life of scintillating drama and bliss!

Please note: Veronica is taking the rest of the Summer off and will return in September with renewed snark and sass.