fridays with veronica - Page 3 of 10

Veronica’s take on the 3 of Swords

Veronica Noir is my batshit crazy twin sister. She is just like me except she’s brilliant, has no sense of guilt or shame, speaks her mind and does whatever she wants, when she wants! Kind of like a psychopath….but with a heart of gold. Oh, and she also reads Tarot…

Love, loss and betrayals of the heart! These are thing things the Three of Swords is made of. But don’t fret! All is not lost.

If you discover your lover is having an affair, you have two choices: cry into your oatmeal and listen to Taylor Swift songs as you load up your wagon and head to splitsville.

OR…

You could have a threesome!

Your welcome.

Really, its that simple. I could also have said “when life gives you lemons, make lemonaide”, but I thought you’d appreciate the x-rated version 😉

If things aren’t going your way, ask yourself how you can have some delicious fun with it. Trust me, behind every failure, infidelity or disaster is a hot, steamy encounter just waiting to happen!

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Friday’s with Veronica ~ The Tower

My apologies for posting this late! I had this scheduled to post and somehow, my site didn’t post it automatically! Arrrgh! Better late than never 😉

Veronica Noir is a writer of smut, maker of cocktails and The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil, evil twin. When not reading Tarot she can be found lounging poolside in her neighbors yard (when they aren’t home) and lamenting the depressing lack of hot, young man-meat in her town. Let’s see what dreadful advice she has for you today…

Ah, The Tower! This particular version gives me the shudders, not because its The Tower, but because it reminds me of the horrors of jellied salad. Thank god no one makes that anymore!

Lately you’ve been thinking “gee, I really want to shake things up a bit and turn this craptastic world on its head!” but then you stop yourself and think “no, it would never work. The System is too strong.”

I have news for you – that which appears all solid and strong is not. In fact, it’s like jellied salad. If everything is still, it looks solid, but when you move around, it wobbles and your realize its just jelly and can be easily dismantled. So move around. Don’t just stand still. Shimmy and shake, prance and dance.

So I ask you, crazy banana that you are, how can you break the mould today? How can you make things wobble and shake? Tell me in the comments below!!!

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Play Dirty to Win (Veronica’s Take on the Five of Wands)

11 Comments / August 2013 / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / August 30, 2013

Veronica Noir is the Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin. She is a new age vamp who bellydances, reads Tarot and eats men for breakfast. Let’s see what diabolical advice she has for us today…

five of wands tarot card — Housewives Tarot

Feeling overwhelmed by all the unrealistic expectations you have placed upon yourself? I thought so.

The Five of Wands is about competition. Not with others, but with yourself. Are you competing against your “ideal” self? The one who has a perfectly clean house, well behaved children and absolutely no cellulite?

Well stop it before a free floating toaster knocks you upside the head and sends you into a tailspin! You don’t have to do it all. That’s just madness.

Stop competing with yourself and start competing with others – like your best friend, sister or those bitches in your book club.

And its okay to cheat.

Host a lavish party and have it catered, but lie and say you made everything yourself. Wear a corset under your clothes and tell everyone you’ve been doing lots of pilates. Send yourself an elaborate bouquet of flowers at work and act all giggly and blushy when you get it – your coworkers will be green with envy! Mwaaahaha!

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“Balance” is for Yoga dorks. But “Variety” is for Sultry Strumpets!

4 Comments / March 2015, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / March 27, 2015

Veronica Noir is a mysteriously delinquent Tarot reader who travels the world, diving with sharks and dancing on tabletops. Her advice is horrific at best, yet often surprisingly helpful. Let’s see what she has to say about Temperance…

Today’s card is Temperance and guess what? It’s not about “balance” like you thought it was.

Balance is for ninnies who feel smug when they do yoga and drink green juice out of mason jars with a straw.

This Temperance card is about mixing it up! It’s about variety! Out with the same old, same old, in with the new and different.

“Balance” is a twisted concept invented by stir-crazy moms who try to convince themselves that they can be satisfied with a life of carpooling, monogamy and quiet desperation if only they could walk 3 x week and drink more water.

But variety is the spice of every sultry strumpet’s life! And as you can see here, it takes all kinds of ingredients to make a cake….not just white flour and tears.

Unless you get to play a variety of different roles and sample an array of tasty delectables….well, you’re just not living!

So this weekend, mix things up. Do something different.

Indulge your alter ego for once and do what he/she wants to do.

“Balance” is for Yoga dorks. But “Variety” is for Sultry Strumpets! Read More »

Queen of Cups: Empathy doesn’t equal dipshit

10 Comments / March 2015, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / March 20, 2015

It’s okay to care about other people….

But don’t care about what they think of you.

Now reread that phrase because it’s important!

You can be a kind, caring, boring person AND go about your day without ever giving a flying fuck what other people think of you.

The Queen of Cups over here knows this shit. She knows it well.

She is compassionate, nurturing and really does care about people. But she sure as hell isn’t going to self-censor and pussy foot around town trying to be all P.C. and fit into the woodwork.

No. She lives her life her way and does it without feeling all guilty and shit.

Be like this Queen today and don’t make the mistake that you’ve probably been making all your life….telling yourself that you’re helping others by caring about what they think of you.

You’re not. You’re just failing to inspire them to live life on their own terms.

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Nix the Little Dictators in Your Life!

4 Comments / March 2015, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / March 13, 2015

Veronica is my bad, Tarot reading twin. She spends her days watching shows like Spartacus (for the greased up dudes, not the sword fighting), mixing coma-inducing beverages and giving other people advice on how to live their lives. Here’s her take on The Hierophant…

No, I’m not talking about your children, as the title might suggest. So don’t get all excited.

I’m talking about the MEDIA!

Media – TV, radio, movies, ads and other stupid shit – all dictate what you should be focusing your attention on.

Magazines dictate what you should be worried about…CELLULITE!

The Internet dictates what you should want….A FUCKING VITAMIX, ALREADY!

The News tells you who you should be afraid of….TERRORISTS!

And worst of all, movies dictate what constitutes “sexy”….MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY?! I beg to differ.

But YOU get to dictate how much you engage with the Media shit show.

The most rebellious thing you can do this weekend is switch off the media dictators in your life.

So don’t just spend your Saturday vegging out on the couch watching shows on Netflix again, okay? Unless of course that show is Spartacus. Then it doesn’t count.

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Planning for the future? Don’t!

10 Comments / Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / February 27, 2015

Veronica is my evil, Tarot reading twin and she’s one sick puppy. She abhors the idea of saving for retirement, thinks university is for suckers and goes braless to Jazzercise class. Good God, we are such opposites! But I love her so much…

Are you planning for the future?

WELL STOP!

It’s not good for you. Seriously. Leave that kind of stuff to people who are dead on the inside.

Possibly the stupidest question I’ve ever been asked is “where do you see yourself in five years?”

I’m still trying to think of the most offensive way to answer that one!

If you’ve ever found yourself worrying about RSPs, your health 20 years from now, dying alone, your career trajectory or pumping out spawn, take heart. You are not alone.

And this is the only thing that sets us apart from wild animals! Rwawar!

But don’t put a bunch of importance on your future.

Plan for it in the same way you might plan to make a little extra stir-fry for dinner tonight so you can have the leftovers for lunch tomorrow. Or how you might wax your crack before a hot date….just in case!

In other words, don’t make “planning for the future” your life’s work, but consider how it could make your life a bit easier.

Now tell me….what is your stupidest answer to the stupidest question: “where you do see yourself in five years?”

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Positive thinking? How about NOT.

15 Comments / February 2015, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / February 20, 2015

Veronica is my evil alter ego/badass Tarot reading twin. She’s sassy, self-centered and ruthless….and somehow always gets away with it! When she’s not turning down charities and using the pages of self help books as toilet paper, she’s reading Tarot on this blog…

“You just need to think positively”

“Look on the bright side”

“Kick negative thinking to the curb!”

Have you ever heard the above phrases? Of course you have! You live in a time where “positive thinking” is shoved down your throat 24/7.

Well, my dear, today I will not say those awful things to you.

Today, I want to let you know that it is totally okay with me if you think…..NEGATIVELY!

Everything is going to shit for the woman in this Five of Cups card. Most of her drinks are spilled, her dress is wet, her hair is totally fucked. What on Earth does she have to be happy about? The two full glasses? Big deal.

If things aren’t working out for you today, you can always look on the bright side and stop yourself from spiraling down into the abyss of negativity. But why would you?

When a perfectly good opportunity for self-pity and whining presents itself, take advantage!

Everyone’s so tired and bored of chipper, positive people anyway. Your cranky bitching will feel like a fresh Spring breeze on a balmy Summer’s day.

In the comments below, tell me……what will you bitch & complain about this weekend?

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The Most Beautiful Word in the World…

8 Comments / February 2015, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / February 6, 2015

Veronica is my evil, Tarot reading twin. She is a lover of all things mystical and smutty, and between drinking martinis and chasing after boy toys, she hardly has time to write this column. But despite her busy schedule she is about to dish out some “Goddess Guidance” from my Goddess Guidance Oracle Deck….

ishtar — Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue

Boundaries! Boundaries! Boundaries!

Fuck, I love that word.

Say NO. Just say NO. NO. NO. NO!

I love that word too, and so should you.

Ishtar, while sporting some impressive cleavage, says “love yourself enough to say no to others demands on your time and energy.” Amen to that.

This weekend, practice saying “no” just for the hell of it. Say no to as many things as you can think of. Even things you want to say “yes” to. Except if its a free drink or a free lap dance….or anything free for that matter.

Okay, let me amend that – just say “no” to all things that will require some amount of effort or sacrifice on your part.

Remember when you were two years old and said “no” to everything just for shits and giggles? Do that! Channel your inner two year old.

By the end of the weekend you may find that you have created a tantalizing expanse of free time, deliciously devoid of annoying friends and demanding family members. Pat yourself on the back! The only downside is there won’t be anyone left to say “no” to.

In the comments below, tell me what you will be saying “NO” to this weekend…..

The Most Beautiful Word in the World… Read More »

Four of Pentacles: Time to bust out of your comfort zone!

9 Comments / January 2015, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / January 23, 2015

Veronica Noir, The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil counterpart, is here to kick some sense into you with her uncompassionate style of Tarot reading. She usually writes these half-drunk, so take her advice with a grain of salt…or a tablespoon!

Today’s card is 4 of Pentacles and the message is clear: magic doesn’t happen in the comfort zone.

Yes, I know, the comfort zone is awesome. I love it too.

There is nothing I love more than snuggling on my couch, sipping spiked hot chocolate and watching The Vampire Diaries or some other silly show.

But does it make me feel ALIVE? No. Fuck no.

We all need to rest and recharge, I get it. That’s what the comfort zone is for. But don’t stay there forever – you weren’t meant to, for God’s sake!

It’s time for you to bust out from behind your wall and share your sparkly goodies with the world.

You hide yourself out of fear, you modest thing, you! But once you step out of your comfort zone, something amazing happens….your comfort zone gets bigger and bigger and bigger…..

Until suddenly you’re doing nude yoga at your local park and feeling totally cool with it.

In the comments below, tell me how you plan to step out of your comfort zone this weekend…