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The Page of Cups’ unusual advice…

Veronica Noir is a mysteriously delinquent Tarot reader who travels the world, diving with sharks and dancing on tabletops. Her advice is horrific at best, yet often surprisingly helpful. Let’s see what she has to say about the Page of Cups…

Happy Friday! The Page of Cups is a sneaky little twerp and he is here with a very specific message just for you:

“I know you sometimes get depressed when you go on Facebook and see that everyone seems to be having a better time than you. But don’t be fooled. Most of those people are totally miserable. Party on!”

Gosh, what a strange thing for him to just say out of the blue. Oh well, that’s the Page of Cups for you!

Have some fun this weekend by focusing on doing silly, unproductive things – like finger-painting, collecting rocks on the beach, googling dirty words, rolling around naked in a pile of mud – you know, the usual “inner child” stuff.

The more fun you have, the less you will resent those assholes on Facebook for pretending to be having the time of their lives 24-7.

In the comments below tell me what silly things you have planned this weekend…

The Page of Cups’ unusual advice… Read More »

Why You Shouldn’t Set Goals this Year…

Veronica Noir is a reader of smut, drinker of cocktails and all round horrible person. She is the Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin and unfortunately for you, she also reads Tarot….

the world — The Intuitive Tarot by Cilla Conway

This is the time of year when you usually “set goals” and make predictable “resolutions”.

BORING!

Think of the universe. Think of all the planets, stars, interstellar bullshit and whatnot…..now think of your New Year’s resolution.

“Well, this year I plan to cut back on eating refined carbohydrates and sugar,” you might say “and get out for more walks.” ZZZZZZZZ! That’s lame.

You are a sexy, multidimensional warrior of life, capable of sooooo much more than you even know. So stop mincing around with safe “goals” and start living!

Be like the naked prancer in The World card – throw your head back as a maniacal laugh escapes your throat and open your arms to life. Skip through fields of possibility and dance on oceans of joy. Oooh, I’m feeling all poetic!

But really, there is so much more to this world than setting goals and then achieving them. Goal setting should be used as a “tool” to create what you want, but not as the whole focus. This year, your world is wide open….so don’t hold back!

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How to Give Advice…

14 Comments / December 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / December 20, 2013

Veronica Noir is The Daily Tarot Girl’s fearless, daring (yet evil!) twin. When she isn’t offering up salacious advice on a Friday, she’s cruising around the Mediterranean on her yacht with a couple of boy-toys, a good book and a cool mojito.

counselor — Archangel Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue

Today or this weekend a close friend will ask you for advice. You will be tempted to unleash your mental cornucopia of brilliant insights.

If you do, this is what will happen:

Your friend will nod along like she’s listening. But then she will do the exact opposite of what you said. Almost as if she asked for your opinion only to reject it in a coy maneuver of subtle oneupmanship. The nerve!

So do this instead:

Give the exact opposite of what you think is “good advice” – your friend isn’t listening anyway, so have fun with it.

If she whines about her marriage, tell her to have an affair with the pool-boy. If she moans about how tired she is, suggest she mix a little Speed into her morning coffee. All work-related issues can be solved by taking an extended sick leave or quitting. All neighborly disputes can be fixed with….fists.”Maybe violence IS the answer”, you tell her.

You may soon find that none of your friends ever ask you for advice anymore. But would that really be such a bad thing?

Pssst….my good twin Kate has just made a Tarot Journal for you to enjoy. I would recommend it but, sadly, it is completely devoid of naked men pics and cocktail recipes, rendering it utterly useless to me. But you might like it….see it right here!

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Queen of Cups ~ Fck this Christmas sht!

4 Comments / December 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / December 13, 2013

Veronica Noir is my batshit crazy twin sister. She is just like me except she’s brilliant, has no sense of guilt or shame, speaks her mind and does whatever she wants, when she wants! Kind of like a psychopath….but with a heart of gold. Oh, and she also reads Tarot…

T’is the season…

To be inundated with boring work parties, excruciating family get togethers, shit Christmas music warbling in the background as you shuffle through the mall and the worst thing of all….buying presents for other people. Blech!

“Well at least there’s lots of alcohol around,” purrs the Queen of Cups. “So drink up, slut!”

When you see this Queen’s far off, glazy stare you just know she’s thinking “I’m gonna need to knock back two more goblets of Dubonet to survive listening to Larry from finance drone on about World of Warcraft for the next hour.”

So my advice for this weekend is this: use whatever aids you have available to you – ahem! hard liquor – to help get you through this difficult time. And if you end up behaving inappropriately as a result, well…blame it on whoever’s closest. Especially if they’re dressed like a whore.

Queen of Cups ~ F*ck this Christmas sh*t! Read More »

Dealing with Downers ~ Nix the Whiners in Your Life!

6 Comments / September 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / September 27, 2013

Veronica Noir is a Tarot reader, dominatrix, exhibitionist and the Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin. She has an unhealthy addiction to online shopping, watching kitten videos on YouTube and of course, trolling for younger men and lying about her age! Here are her words of wisdom…

Today is all about giving and receiving….advice (and other things). You need to balance out the scales today and don’t be nice about it.

Take a long, hard look at your friendships. There is one friend in particular who is a total drain. This person takes, asks, demands and gives nothing back. She’s like Debbie Downer x 1000.

You’ve been nice, supportive and kind far too long. And it’s not helping. You need to dish up the tough-love, Veronica Noir style.

The best way to deal with this kind of person is to respond to their complaints and desperate pleas for sympathy by droning on and on about how fabulous your life is.

Next time she whines about her arthritis or back problems, tell her about the amazing orgy you had last night (even if you didn’t – its okay to embellish).

If she turns down your offer of cookies and tea by saying something bitchy like “I’m going gluten, sugar and caffeine free,” tell her all about the decadent chocolate cake you had for breakfast. Have fun with it!

If she asks you to get up at 6 am on a Saturday to help her with fundraising for some bullshit charity, tell her you can’t because you are busy…sleeping.

These whiny, miserable types need to be put in their place. She will either be inspired by your capacity for hedonistic enjoyment of life or she will be repulsed. Either way you won’t have to listen to her moaning and groaning much longer!

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Ten of Pentacles ~ Insatiability & Rampant Consumerism! (Friday)

7 Comments / September 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / September 20, 2013

Veronica Noir is a lover of Tarot, cats and men in their early 20′s. Veronica spends her days eating coffee cheesecake, spying on neighbors and just being her fabulous self! Let’s see what she has to say about the Ten of Pentacles…

Beware of those who hold up certain “values” as if they were universal.

The lady in this Ten of Pentacles card is holding up the picture of a giant house as if to say “look! This is what we all should strive for – an orange mansion with strategically placed shrubbery!”

But do you notice that this domesticity-pusher is wearing an apron? It’s because she is serving an “ideal” that does not serve her. But before I go all sociology student on you….

Lets take an even closer look at this card. What is actually being held up and presented is a giant round hole – a hole that needs to be filled.

You can stuff this “hole” with all kinds of things – food, orange mansions, money, material possessions, a hunky spouse, pointless busy-ness, or my favorite one….lots of sex!

But like a Sigmund Freud nightmare, this hole is insatiable and always hungers for more. What to do? What to do?

Be a Laura Croft hole raider and find out as much as you can about your “hole” – ooh, that sounds dirty! But really, notice what you habitually try to stuff yourself with. For me, its coffee cheesecake and stiletto boots, but for you maybe it’s jumbo jets and hookers. Don’t judge yourself.

In the comments below, give me the dirty deets…what do you strive to attain in the hopes it will make you feel “whole” and satisfied?

Ten of Pentacles ~ Insatiability & Rampant Consumerism! (Friday) Read More »

Decisons, Choices and Other People’s Voices ~ Seven of Cups (Friday)

5 Comments / September 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / September 13, 2013

seven of cups tarot card — *Housewive’s Tarot*

Choices, choices!

This lady seems to be pondering her choice of drink “Hmmm, what should I have? The Long Island Iced Tea, the dirty martini, the G&T, the rum and coke, or the…”

Um, slow down Betty! Maybe you should just have a water.

Today you will be faced with a multitude of choices – which are all the same.

If you find yourself in a state of indecision or overwhelm, maybe its because all the options are a bit blah.

Don’t let anyone railroad you into making a decision that you aren’t 100% happy with. The unimaginative, raggedy-ass masses that surround you will say that you have to decide and make some concessions. F*ck em!

If you don’t like the options on the table, create new ones.

Oh, and if I were that sulky lady in the card, I’d pick the tall orange drink in the top right. Looks fruity!

Decisons, Choices and Other People’s Voices ~ Seven of Cups (Friday) Read More »

Drive off a Cliff! ~ The Lovers (Friday)

12 Comments / September 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / September 6, 2013

Veronica Noir is a writer of smut, maker of cocktails and The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil, evil twin. When not reading Tarot she can be found lounging poolside in her neighbors yard (when they aren’t home) and lamenting the depressing lack of hot, young man-meat in her town. Let’s see what dreadful advice she has for you today…

The Lovers! Such an exciting, sexy card to get on a Friday.

How passionate is your life? An how interesting are the people in it? Is it so passionate and interesting that you may drive off a cliff without noticing simply because the conversation is so fascinating?

No? Well, why the f*ck not?!

This rendition of The Lovers is supposed to serve as a warning – get too caught up in the heart pounding excitement of life and you will end up plunging head first off a cliff and into the ocean, only to be eaten by hungry sharks with a hankering for human thigh meat.

Well, that’s just silly! Don’t fall for that crapolla.

This weekend, make a commitment to start living a passionate life. Only do things that are so freaking fascinating that you have absolutely no clue what’s going on around you. Not sure how? Here’s my 3-step process:

1) Stop wasting precious time making small talk with boring people (avoid talking about the weather, health issues and people’s kids or grandchildren – that shit is grade A boring)

2) Make a bunch of boring rules for yourself (such as no sex on the first date, no drinking before 4pm and no fried food), then break them all in one night.

3) Do at least one thing on your “bucket list” every weekend – without panties.

In the comments below, tell me one thing that’s on your bucket list that you are going to do next…..and I will hold you to it!

Drive off a Cliff! ~ The Lovers (Friday) Read More »

Temperance ~ Variety is the Spice of Life!

14 Comments / August 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / August 23, 2013

Veronica Noir is a whip cracking, advice giving, diva extraordinaire who loves her Tarot cards almost as much as her fabulous self. She is the Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin and can’t wait to mess up your life with her cracked out advice……

temperance tarot card meaning — Housewives Tarot

Temperance is the Tarot card of the day and it answers the question what makes life so much fun?

A mix of things! Don’t let those fools in your life tell you that there is just one secret ingredient to happiness. There are many….

Variety is the spice of life and unfortunately you probably don’t have much of that in your day to day routine, do you?

Society is set up in such a way so that it becomes hard to find variety – boring things like monogamy and a steady job can get you down in the dumps. But cheer up! I have a saucy suggestion…

Create balance and variety in your life by breaking some rules. By its very nature, modern life is completely out of balance and totally fucked up. Here’s how to remedy that:

1) Call in sick and take a beach day (but wear a hat and sunglasses so no one recognizes you!)

2) Have a hot, steamy affair (even if its just in your head)

3) Have another hot, steamy affair (even if its just with your husband dressed up in drag)

4) Perform one act of rebellion every day – ignore your alarm clock, cancel your cable TV, keep your cell phone turned off all day long, that kind of thing!

Temperance ~ Variety is the Spice of Life! Read More »

Nine of Cups ~ Give to Yourself First!

11 Comments / August 2013, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / August 16, 2013

nine of cups tarot card — Housewives Tarot

When I read Tarot cards, I like to make up pretend dialogues in my head.

I picture the chick in this card going “This had better be that gold plated vibrator I asked for and not some cheap crap from Wal-Mart again!”

And he’s all like “Open it bitch!”

Ahhh, the spirit of giving. How do you feel about receiving gifts? Pretty good?

What about receiving gifts (or help) from total strangers? Or those with less money than you? Or those with more money than you?

Giving and receiving can be fraught with tension. But the real question is: how do you feel about giving to yourself?

Make today a You-Day. Pamper yourself like never before. Take yourself out to lunch, buy something luxurious and impractical and take an hour long bath – but don’t be stingy with the hot water!

Once you are generous with yourself, you can be generous to others. Or you may choose to continue just being generous to yourself…that’s okay too – I don’t judge!

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