Veronica is my crazed evil twin who reads Tarot, takes long naps and eats men for breakfast. Always sarcastic, slightly witty and a true hedonist, lets hear what she has to say this week…
Animal Wisdom Tarot by Dawn Brunke
Do you ever notice how crows are nefarious little birds? Always watching and plotting and much smarter than you suspect.
That’s because they use their minds for crafty, up to no good behavior and that is what you should do.
You have a crafty, nefarious mind too, but sometimes it uses you and not the other way around.
If your mind is going a mile a minute and just won’t shut the fuck up while you try to fall asleep at night, then you need to get your ass in gear.
Your mind is a tool. Use it. But don’t let it rule you!
Speaking of sleep, this weekend is a good time to catch up on some beauty sleep, one of my favorite hobbies.
Here are my tips for a good nap:
Convert your bondage blindfold into a sleep mask to block out the pesky sunlight
Always nap alone. Kick your boy-toy out of your bedroom for once!
Nap with your head at the foot of your bed – this is so you don’t associate your beauty nap with night time sleep and it just makes things so much more interesting.
Veronica Noir is a Tarot reader extraordinaire, serial man-eater and my evil twin sister. She likes telling people what to do, loudly saying the F-word at the grocery store and deeply inhaling sage smoke – its cleansing, right? Here is her weekly dose of Tarot guidance, just in time for the weekend…
Housewive’s Tarot
Success is sweet because once you are high up, you get to look down on everyone.
But then you start to fantasize that everyone’s out to get you, trying to knock you down and stomp on your face.
Success is stressful!
But nothing says zen-bliss like mediocrity. Sometimes its nice to just aim for blandness, middle of the road, average and unimpressive.
Sliding in under the radar is the most underrated, hedonistic pleasure.
“Reach for the stars!” annoying people say.
I like to reach for the glow in the dark stars on my bedroom ceiling that were haphazardly stuck on by the previous resident of my apartment. I know I can reach those!
So my advice for this weekend is this: keep your expectations low and no one gets disappointed!
Veronica is my evil twin, alter ego, and a real maverick of sorts. She spends her days swanning about her apartment, writing smut, eating cheesecake and god knows what else. On Friday’s she does a horrifically unhelpful reading for you to enjoy…..
The Housewive’s Tarot
Today’s message comes from The Hermit.
Spend this weekend soaking in the tub, ordering take out, eating chocolate and reading filthy romance novels.
Oh wait, I just remembered its Easter Weekend. F##K!
I guess your supposed to spend time with family, cook a boring dinner and humor everyone.
Well, no matter what you do this weekend, be sure to squeeze in a little me-time – if anything, it will keep you sane!
Veronica is my terrible alter ego to whom I give free reign for a few minutes on a Friday, so she can write this reading for you. Her advice is always bad, so be sure not to take it ;)…
The Fairytale Tarot by Karen Mahony
The Fool is here to say It’s okay to be an idiot if it means you get to have an adventure!
Being smart is overrated and always leads to boring evenings spent watching TV with safe, dull people.
Have you been wearing mostly beige, black and brown lately? Time to color it up! buy a crazy scarf in a bright color or wear some sky blue tights (even if your a guy).
Do something different this weekend – go on a mini adventure. Pack some smelly cheeses in a sac along with grapes, crackers and wine. Take it to the park along with a blank notebook and pen.
Then, plunk yourself down on a grassy knoll and pen some erotic fiction as you proceed to get drunk in public and gorge yourself on cheese.
Gosh, just writing this I am getting so excited for the weekend! I can’t f#$*ing wait!
If you are trying to make an important decision, don’t ask yourself if its the right decision, ask if it will lead to thrills and adventure.
Now is not the time to play it safe. Be reckless, be wild and enjoy it!
Learning the Tarot Court Cards was the most challenging aspect of becoming a Tarot reader!
For me, trying to learn the Tarot Court Card meanings felt like being at a really boring party and attempting to remember the names of all the boring guests that I knew I’d never see again.
Why bother?
And yet, Court Cards kept showing up in my readings, much to my irritation. So I knew I had to buckle down and learn the little fuckers.
How did I do it? I had fun with them.
I fleshed out the characters of each Court Card in my head. And at the incessant urging of my evil twin Veronica, I forced myself to consider each and every Court Card as a sexual being.
The Pages are somewhat androgynous, which makes this all the more fun!
A Page can be either a young man or young woman. Some decks show the Pages as young women, while the Rider-Waite-Smith portrays them as youthful girly-boys.
The Pages are still finding themselves sexually and they represent the immature qualities of their suit.
The Page of Cups
Robin-Wood Tarot
Suit qualities: emotions, feelings, relationships
Personality traits: He’s spaced out and slutty!
Young, artsy, footloose and fancy-free, the Page of Cups is the ultimate sexual explorer.
Ever the opportunist, this Page sees the sexy potential in everyone and everything. He/she knows that any dorm party, sculpting class or job interview could turn into a spontaneous, erotic adventure at any moment! So he’s always prepared and ready to go.
If you ever date the Page of Cups he will be disarmingly romantic – writing you songs, painting you in the nude and reenacting the pottery wheel scene from Ghost.
But then he’ll nail your sister.
He doesn’t mean to hurt others or make them feel used, its just a natural consequence of his carefree sexual nature.
Secret fantasy: rolling around naked on a canvas covered in paint.
Personality traits: He’s adventurous, stupidly brave and full of energy!
The Page of Wands is so energetic in the sack that it’s irritating.
This dude can go all night, but after a while you start to get that panicky feeling like when someone has you cornered at a party and just won’t stop talking. You just want it to end!
This sexy Page isvery adventurous and up for anything. No matter what bizarre sex ideas you have, this guy will try it.
He is often drawn to older women, which is a good thing because he could stand to learn a little finesse in the bedroom.
There’s more to lovemaking than just thrusting away like a high-speed sex robot. But the Page of Wands does not know this yet.
Secret fantasy: Being a powerful Sheik, surrounded by a harem of beautiful women
The Page of Pentacles
Crystal Visions Tarot
Suit qualities: money, health, home, the body
Personality traits: She’s studious, inquisitive and loves to learn
The Page of Pentacles loves to study up on everything, so naturally she is educating herself on the carnal arts!
But she prefers to read rather than do.
She may sit in a stuffy library devouring The Kama Sutra and The Joy of Sex, but she’s much too reserved to go grab some guy from the bar down the street to experiment on.
This nerdy Page is totally at home in her own body, but she’d rather sit up in a tree strumming her own Lute than join an orchestra. Promiscuous she is not!
But her fortress walls can be penetrated. Just invite her back to your place to see your antique book collection and she’ll be putty in your hands.
Secret fantasy: Seducing her Philosophy professor at the front of an empty lecture hall.
The Page of Swords
The Paulina Tarot
Suit qualities: intellect, thoughts, mind, communication
Personality traits: She’s a tad mentally unstable
This crazy gal read 50 Shades of Grey like everyone else and now pretends to be into BDSM just because its trendy.
She proudly displays her handcuffs and riding crop for all her bedroom visitors to see. Not because she’s kinky but because she wants people to think she’s dark and edgy.
The Page of Swords doesn’t realize it yet, but missionary position, vanilla sex with a generic, dentally perfect hunk is what really lights her loins on fire.
She does not yet know who she is sexually, but that’s okay. She’ll figure it out eventually. In the meantime, she’s content to half-heartedly dominate you.
Secret fantasy: Marrying a male model.
Read all about the Tarot Knights in bed right here
Veronica Noir is my horrible alter ego. She reads Tarot Cards, writes dirty books and can make a mean cappuccino cheesecake! She loves giving shocking, offensive advice via this weekly blog…
Housewives Tarot
Sometimes shit just doesn’t go your way.
But you always have the choice of rolling with it or digging in your heels and getting really, really pissed.
Personally, I like the second option best. Why does everything have to be positive, anyway?
Everyone’s always quick to say stupid shit like:
“look on the bright side!”
“every cloud has a silver lining!”
Fuck that. I like to revel in my misery.
So this weekend, if you feel grumpy, embrace it! Don’t try to run, don’t try to put a positive spin on it. Really immerse yourself in it. Play it for all its worth!
If you don’t allow yourself the decadent luxury of unchaperoned suffering from time to time, how will you ever know true happiness?
Join me as I chat with Cara Gubbins about intuition and intuitive development!
Dr. Cara Gubbins is a Spiritual Intuitive, Animal Intuitive, and Pet Medium. Her research has been featured on CNN, the BBC, the Discovery Channel, and National Geographic Specials.
In this interview we discuss:
♥ What intuition is and how it works
♥ How to connect with your intuition (even when your feeling stressed out or upset!)
♥ Is it your intuition or just your ego/thoughts/fears? How to tell the difference.
Veronica Noir is my batshit crazy twin sister. She is just like me except she’s brilliant, has no sense of guilt or shame, speaks her mind and does whatever she wants, when she wants! Kind of like a psychopath….but with a heart of gold. Oh, and she also reads Tarot…
Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
Happy Friday!
The Goddess Sige is here to tell you to “shut the f*ck up!”
Oh wait, that’s not was she’s saying….she says “take some quiet time alone to rest, meditate and contemplate.”
She’s not just referring to physical chitter chatter, either. The more you quite your inner blatherings, the more in-touch with your divinity you will be.
Take a nap this weekend. Isloate yourself and ignore friends and family. They only distract you from achieving pure nirvana.
Your ego hates it when you get quiet! Remember that. Whenever you meditate, you are annoying the living crap out of your ego.
This fact alone can make meditation a more enjoyable, deliciously mischievous experience 😉
Veronica is my crazed evil twin who reads Tarot, takes long naps and eats men for breakfast. Always sarcastic, slightly witty and a true hedonist, lets hear what she has to say this week…
