Veronica Noir is my evil twin. She loves mean cats, nice boys and devouring melting ice cream sandwiches. Billionaire heiress by day, scrawler of paranormal smut by night. And for some sick reason I let her mess up my blog on Fridays…
I was about to rattle off some nonsense about meditation and going within until I noticed that the moon is shining a spotlight on this dreamer’s nether region…
It’s showtime!
Is the light of your unconsciousness casting an eerie glow on your sex life?
Are you having weird sex dreams?
If not…why not?
One of the greatest pleasures in life is having messed up dreams, so be sure you make an extra effort this weekend. Plus its a full moon! Eeeeeee!
Watch creepy sex movies like Eyes Wide Shut right before bed, eat cheese for a bedtime snack and put a drop of Patchouli on your pillow (its an aphrodisiac that might bring on a hippie dream)
The Knights are my FAVORITE court cards to hop into bed with!
Why? Because they are essentially alpha males in training. They have all the vigor and sexual energy required of a hero in a steamy romance novel, but lack the overbearing bossiness of the Kings.
Even better, the Knights are naturally adventurous and are (quite literally) going places.
The Knight of Cups
Robin Wood Tarot
Suit qualities: emotions, feelings, relationships
Personality traits: Spontaneous, disarmingly romantic and earth shatteringly sensual, the Knight of Cups knows how to show you a good time.
This Knight looooves grand, public displays of affection. He’s the kind of guy who will propose to you at a football game or in a restaurant – not because he wants to marry you – but because the theatrics of it give him thrills.
In bed he is very creative and has a gift for making unconventional sexual practices – like threesomes and crossdressing – seem deliciously romantic.
He is a true sexual adventurer, learning all kinds of Tantric sex tricks! Books like Extended Massive Orgasm and the Kama Sutra are permanent fixtures on his nightstand.
Since he is of the water suit, his sexuality is quite free-flowing. He is quite likely to be bi-sexual or at the very least fascinated with expressing his feminine side by dressing as a woman (in the bedroom).
And here you thought his dressing up as Britney Spears every Halloween was to make people laugh. It’s not.
Secret fantasy: Cross dressing in your lacy lingerie!
Personality traits: This dude is full of bravado, fiery pizzaz and get up and go – they don’t call him the Knight of Rods for nothing! Tee-hee-hee 😉
Every inch a manly man, this Knight makes an outstanding lover, but will manage to surprise you by penning steamy, erotic fiction (just for you!) and cooking you a gourmet dinner.
Because the Knight of Wands is driven by passion, he’s unwilling to settle for anything less than explosive, fire-work sex.
Which seems really exciting at first, but can get kind of tiring. Sometimes you just want mediocre, lacklustre sex – you know, the kind where you leave your socks on and write tomorrow’s grocery list in your head. The Knight of Wands just doesn’t understand this.
Secret fantasy:This man does not have any “secret” fantasies. He makes his fantasies known and then takes action!
The Knight of Pentacles
Druidcraft Tarot
Suit qualities: money, health, home, the body
Personality traits: This knight is the most cautious of them all. In bed, he’s obsessed with safe sex.
He’s the kind of guy who will say “I think we should wait” or “are you sure your ready?” – even though your both 42.
The Knight of Pentacles is stable, yet emotionally guarded. He won’t open up easily and he doesn’t show emotion well. Saying “I love you” is a very rare event, indeed.
Once you get him between the sheets he can be a bit….dull. Sex toys? better not go there. Swinging? Never! Light bondage? Don’t even think about it. His sexual repertoire consists of the missionary position and um….the missionary position.
On the bright side, he likes to workout and is a bit obsessive about maintaining his hot, chiseled body. So its not all bad with this fellow – and he’s not a bad choice if your rebounding from a tiring stint with the Knight of Wands.
Secret fantasy: Don’t ask. Because he won’t tell. And even if you did ask he would simply say “I don’t have any fantasies!” in a stilted, wooden voice.
The Knight of Swords
Rider Waite Smith Tarot Deck
Suit qualities: intellect, thoughts, mind, communication
Personality traits: Well, just looking at this guy you kind of already know how he’ll be in the sack.
The Knight of Swords loves to rush forward and plunge himself into things with ferocious speed – literally and figuratively.
Here’s a guy who doesn’t waste any time ripping your clothes off and throwing you down on the bed. But be forewarned: he wastes no time in jumping up and dashing out before you even know what hit you!
Afterglow? After-go!
Despite being a swords card, this wham-bam-thank-you-maam Knight isn’t all that thoughtful. He’s good at focusing his mind on getting what he wants, but he never really thinks things through to figure out why he wants it.
Secret fantasy: Because this Knight is of the Swords realm, he is very mind oriented and loves over-analyze things. Or should I say over-analize? Say no more!
To Sum Things Up…
Looking at the Tarot Court Cards in a whole new way brings them to life!
The Tarot Court Cards are multidimensional characters and while most descriptions of them can be pretty yawn-worthy and forgettable, I guarantee you won’t soon forget the filth you just read here.
Add Your Two Cents!
In the comments below, tell me which Tarot Knight you think would make the most captivating lover and why?
Veronica is my crazy, evil Tarot card reading twin. When she’s not traipsing about town sans underpants, she’s writing filthy trash and knocking back Mojitos like armageddon is just around the corner. Let’s see what kind of cracked out advice she’s cooked up for us today…
Animal Wisdom Tarot by Dawn Brunke
Today’s card is the Ten of Fossils (aka Ten of Pentacles), represented by Dog.
Dogs are all about loyalty and sucking up.
I’m more of a cat myself.
When you people-please and ass sniff all day long, bonds are instantly formed! It’s easy to feel part of the family.
But if your more cat-like, you might find yourself with more space for solitude and soothing emptiness – especially if you are prone to raking people’s faces when they get too touchy feely with you.
Traditionally this card is all about “the marketplace” or “everyday society”
So, ask yourself: when it comes to my place in my community/family, am I a cat or a dog?
Do you go through the motions of everyday life like a dog chasing a stick, clueless as to why he is doing it, but throwing himself into it wholeheartedly nonetheless?
Or do you sit on the sidelines, like a bitchy cat, enjoying your own snide mental commentary of your canine-esque neighbors and colleagues?
Back by popular demand….the monthly Tarot challenge!
What would YOU do in this situation?:
Let’s pretend your giving a Tarot reading to Chastity Applebottom, a striking woman in her late 30’s, who was referred to you by a mutual friend. She plunks herself down at your reading table, all bouncy curls and cleavage, and says:
“I just need some confirmation that I am doing the right thing. I got married a year ago to a man that I thought was my soul-mate – his name’s Carlos – but then about a month ago I discovered that he doesn’t really work as a traveling Loans officer, but is actually a Colombian drug lord and has been cheating on me with all sorts of floozies. He has this whole secret life that I wasn’t even aware of until now. Anyhow, I was going to leave him but then I realized that I would like to have a baby and I am getting too old to be putting it off. I’m almost 40. If I leave Carlos it may take me a year or two to find someone suitable to mate with, which could be too late. So I am thinking of staying with Carlos so I can have a baby. He’s not a bad guy – he bought me and boob job AND a Vitamix blender for my birthday. I think this is the best choice, really, but I just need to hear it from you to put my mind at ease.”
So of course you’re thinking run, Chastity, run! but you shuffle your cards anyway and this is what comes up:
From left to right: Ace of Cups, 10 of Pentacles, Queen of Pentacles. Morgan Greer Tarot
Please note: this is an extra challenging Tarot challenge because you probably want to tell Chastity to run like the wind, yet the cards seem to be quite positive. So….
How would you interpret these cards? What advice would you give to Chastity? I invite you to share your interpretation in the comments section below 🙂
Tip: look at the cards and ask what do these cards seem to be saying to Chastity?
Veronica is my evil twin and a Tarot card reading dynamo! She spends her days reading paranormal romance novels, suntanning on her balcony and leering at young male construction workers that are building her neighbors deck. Yum! She is here to tell you what to do with your life – so lets see what she has to say…
Animal Wisdom Tarot by Dawn Brunke
Cock-a -doodle-do! says the Rooster, wake the f*ck up!
Rub the sleepiness out of your eyes and step onto the scene of your life with gusto and snap – it’s time to announce yourself!
You might be thinking “can’t I just phone this one in today and get back to my zombie shuffle?”
The answer is NO!
It’s time to be awake, present and loud. Maybe even obnoxious. Like morning wood.
Live life on purpose today.
Stride (instead of shuffle) down the street, wear bright clothing, don’t try to fit in and make sure you act a little, well…. cocky!
You’ve been passive and non-offensive way to long, silly pants. Who cares if you annoy others? The roost is yours to rule this weekend 😉
And I hope that wasn’t too much penis innuendo for you.
I am thinking of offering a beginner/intro Tarot class that would teach all the basics of Tarot and what you need to know to be an awesome Tarot reader.
This will be an online class with a live component.
I want it to appeal to Tarot beginners and Intermediate readers who want to learn or revisit the basics, get some practice and boost their confidence.
I would absolutely LOVE your input and ideas on this!
If this is something you might be interested in, please take a minute to do my survey (below) – I will be forever grateful 🙂
Create your free online surveys with SurveyMonkey , the world’s leading questionnaire tool.
Veronica is my evil twin. She is also many other things: nude yoga practitioner, Tarot reader, ninja-spy, painter, professional napper and erotic fiction writer. Today she gifts you with a reading from my Angel cards…
Indigo Angel Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
Today’s card is “Shielding” and it suggests that there is someone in your life who is really starting to piss you off.
Perhaps a co-worker who brags about never taking her breaks or a spouse who drapes his sweaty workout shirts on your furniture “to dry before putting them in the laundry hamper.”
Who ever it is, you have the overwhelming urge to erect a massive bubble around you, stick your fingers in your ears and go la la la la la la la!
Ignore those obnoxious twits in your life by finding your “happy place” – creating a bubble of denial where you can immerse yourself in fantasy and daydreaming to your hearts content.
This creates an invisible energy shield and those who seek to drain your energy will find you boring, repulsive and not worth their time. YES!
This week, I am unveiling my brand new e-course The Art of Tarot: How to Read a Negative Card in a Positive Light.
Today I want to share my favorite part of this course with you – reading the negative cards as secret desires.
When a “negative” Tarot card (like the 3 of Swords or The Tower) appears in a reading, it can often represent a secret wish or unconscious desire. A desire so dark and so shocking, that our conscious selves just can’t handle it!
Let me show you what I mean:
Let’s say I’m giving myself a Tarot reading and I ask “how can I make my life more adventurous?”
And one of the cards that appears is the 8 of Swords.
Druidcraft Tarot
Ding, ding, ding! Secret desire alert!
Now, there are many different ways I could look at this card, but today I am choosing to see the negative cards as representing my secret desires.
So what dark, undisclosed desire could the 8 of swords represent? And how on earth does it relate to my question?
Here are some possibilities…
1) the desire to be “rescued”
2) the desire to be tied up and blindfolded (very literal!)
3) the desire to remain “in the dark” (blindfold) and powerless (and therefore not responsible for anything)
Out of all these possible “secret desires”, the desire to be rescued feels most likely.
My Interpretation:Perhaps I want my life to be more adventurous, but secretly, deep down, I really want someone to swoop in and rescue me from boredom, whisking me away to be entertained and enchanted. As long as I sit around waiting, my life will never truly be an adventure. I need to acknowledge this desire and then take matters into my own hands.
Now it’s your turn!
Just for fun, let’s pretend your deepest, undercover desire is…..
THE DEVIL!
Universal Waite Tarot Deck
In the comments below, tell me what “secret desire” of yours this Tarot Card might represent. (Can’t wait to read this!!!)
Veronica Noir is an anarchist, International woman of mystery, banana bread lover, frantic scrawler of smut and just happens to be my evil twin/alter ego. Here is her take on the Judgement card…
Housewive’s Tarot
Have you been judging yourself lately?
Do you think you should be thinner, more motivated, more successful and more interesting than you actually are?
Maybe that’s not true. Maybe you should be exactly as you are.
Let me tell you a story.
I once had a job interview for a job I felt I was underqualified for (International Spy).
I had no experience whatsoever and to top if off I was late for the interview – my black Lamborghini broke down on the way there – and by the time I arrived I was panting and sweaty.
Turns out, the interviewer was kind of a perv and my heaving bosom and flushed skin turned him on. And the fact I had no qualifications only inflated his ego and made him feel superior to me. I got the job!
So let me say it again: you are perfect just the way you are. This weekend, release any self-judgements and just enjoy life!
Veronica Noir is my evil twin. She loves mean cats, nice boys and devouring melting ice cream sandwiches. Billionaire heiress by day, scrawler of paranormal smut by night. And for some sick reason I let her mess up my blog on Fridays…
