Veronica Noir is my batshit crazy twin sister. She is just like me except she’s brilliant, has no sense of guilt or shame, speaks her mind and does whatever she wants, when she wants! Kind of like a psychopath….but with a heart of gold. Oh, and she also reads Tarot…
Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
Happy Friday!
The Goddess Sige is here to tell you to “shut the f*ck up!”
Oh wait, that’s not was she’s saying….she says “take some quiet time alone to rest, meditate and contemplate.”
She’s not just referring to physical chitter chatter, either. The more you quite your inner blatherings, the more in-touch with your divinity you will be.
Take a nap this weekend. Isloate yourself and ignore friends and family. They only distract you from achieving pure nirvana.
Your ego hates it when you get quiet! Remember that. Whenever you meditate, you are annoying the living crap out of your ego.
This fact alone can make meditation a more enjoyable, deliciously mischievous experience 😉
I know from experience that the Court Cards can be tough to learn and remember.
Why? Because they’re boring.
Maybe that’s a bit harsh. But typically a Court Card is just a person sitting there not doing anything. Boring! How are you supposed to get anything from that?
So I turned to my evil twin Veronica (aka me after a glass of wine) for her sizzling take on the starchy royals of the Tarot.
She said that she had an easier time understanding their personas and messages once she thought of them in a sexual way. Gross! But it works…
The Tarot Queens in Bed
The Queens are the ultimate sex goddesses of the Tarot! Powerful, confident and full of womanly charms, each Queen represents the energy of her suit in it’s mature, feminine manifestation.
But lets answer the question that everyone wants to know: what are these Queens like in the boudoir?
The Queen of Cups
Robin Wood Tarot
Suit of Cups: emotions, feelings, relationships
Personality traits: She’s intuitive and nurturing
The Queen of Cups is a dream lover. She takes her time, savors the moment and intuitively knows exactly what you want her to do next.
She’s a true romantic and she loves to talk about feelings. Don’t think you can just shag her without some obligatory eye gazing and emotional masturbation beforehand. Be prepared.
Sappy movies like Sweet November and Hope Floats act as an instant aphrodisiac, getting her all hot and bothered.
This Queen isn’t into the one night stands but write her some poetry and she’ll be tossing her panties at you like your Tom Jones (50 years ago).
Secret fantasy: she longs to be dominated by an alpha bad-boy!
The Queen of Wands
Crystal Visions Tarot
Suit of Wands: creativity, passion, career, action
Personality traits: She’s sharp, fiery and gets shit done
This lady is foxy and brimming with moxie! The Queen of Wands is passionate and driven both in and out of the bedroom.
She’s a total cougar whose always on the prowl for a younger man that she can whisk away on a sexual escapade.
If your lucky, she may invite into her closet which is full of kinky costumes, feather boas and all kinds of weirdness!
The Queen of Wands is perhaps the most exotic and adventurous of all the Queens, due to her extensive travels in foreign lands, where she has bedded countless lovers and learned all kinds of international delights.
Nothing shocks her anymore, but she is far from jaded.
Secret fantasy: teaching sexual tricks to a younger man or woman.
The Queen of Pentacles
Fenestra Tarot
Suit of Pentacles: money, health, home, the body
Personality traits: She’s earthy, calm and sensual
Known for her practicality and two-feet-on-the-ground persona, her sexual passion is like a slow burning fire. She’s slow to arouse, but can go all night once she gets going!
She isn’t wild or kinky, but she’s a sensual and languid lover who appreciates erotic massage, candles and good wine.
While she won’t turn down an orgy invitation, she’s more likely to sit on the sidelines eating grapes than join in on the debauchery.
Seduce her by bringing her edible, earthy gifts, like a basket of penis-shaped vegetables. She’ll get the hint!
Secret fantasy: a picnic that leads to outdoor sex in the woods.
The Queen of Swords
Hanson-Roberts Tarot
Suit of Swords: intellect, thoughts, mind, communication
Personality traits: She’s kind of a bitch
While you may suspect the Queen of Swords to be a total killjoy in the sack, think again.
This phallus (ahem, “sword”) wielding vixen can really rock your world. After a long day of keeping her shit together she wants nothing more than to get totally wild and nasty!
She’s brainy (being of the suit of Swords), which means she loooooves to use big, smart-person words in her dirty talk. And talk dirty she does….
This Queen is icy and reserved when you meet her, but turns into a filthy little motormouth between the sheets. Who knew?!
Looking at the Tarot Court Cards in a whole new way brings them to life!
The Tarot Court Cards are multidimensional characters and while most descriptions of them can be pretty yawn-worthy and forgettable, I guarantee you won’t soon forget the filth you just read here.
Add Your Two Cents!
In the comments below, tell me which Tarot Queen you think would make the most captivating lover and why?
Veronica Noir is a perma-drunk whippersnapper who loves to give insensitive Tarot readings, pen crude stories and sleep til noon. She is also my evil twin, which is why I let her do these horrid readings on Friday’s….
Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
Today’s message is from the fiery goddess Pele. She says “Be honest with yourself, bitch! What is your heart’s true desire?”
Well, she doesn’t actually say “bitch”, but she totally should have.
What would make your volcano ejacul…..I mean erupt?
This weekend is all about finding explosive passion and then dancing like a crazy woman (or man).
My guess is that your in one of those “bleh, I think I’ll stay in bed today reading werewolf erotic romance novels on my kindle rather than work” moods. I know how you feel!
Now snap out of it.
What truly lights you up? What energizes you? Go do it and stop pansy-footing around your life!
Veronica is my evil twin. She’s a sassy psychic with a flair for penning filthy short stories, online shopping and peanut butter fudge. When she’s not busy reading werewolf erotica and getting drunk on Kombucha tea, she’s writing this column….
Anna K Tarot
Today’s Tarot card is the Knight of Rods. Tee hee hee! Rods!
This manly man rockin’ the chain-mail seems to be erecting some sort of flag. He’s gearing up to stab in into the ground, penetrating the Earth in his proclamation of ownership. Similar to a dog peeing on a fire hydrant.
What are you proud of? What do you stand for?
Today is the day to celebrate it and own it.
Mark your territory. Pee on something. Make it yours!
This weekend is all about going after what you want with a fiery, blazing, possessive passion. Whether your after a new lover, a fancy-dancy career or something more bizarre, the message is clear:
Have you ever heard someone say “get into your heart” and thought Sure! But how?
I have noticed that, particularly in New Agey circles, there is a lot of talk about being “heart-centered” and getting into the heart, living from the heart, etc, etc.
While it sounds easy, I often found myself having a hard time putting it into practice. I read various books on the topic and tried different forms of meditation and I have found three techniques that help me enter my heart space quickly and effectively, which I will share with you in my guided meditation below.
Lately I have been working on my upcoming meditation album – a collection of guided meditations to help you connect with your higher self, meet your spirit guides, get blissfully relaxed and of course, get “into your heart”. This “heart meditation” is the first meditation I have made. I am not certain it will be the version I will include in the final album, but I wanted to share it with you anyway!
Guided Meditation: Getting into your Heart
In this 14 min guided meditation, I will help you relax and enter the realm of your heart, where love, joy and oneness permanently reside. The peaceful sounds of waves and birds chirping in the background will transport you (although probably not literally!) to a tropical paradise where you can temporarily forget about all the things pissing you off.
*Just click on the blue button above to listen, or right click and “save as” to download to your computer.
When you are “in your heart” (as opposed to just “in your head”) you are loving, gentle, open and joyful. Your ego to melt away, along with fear, worry and stress.
You will see the world from an entirely different perspective – a perspective that illuminates the connections among us, the opportunities for love, pleasure and fun.
It will be like you just snorted some kind of happy drug, only its not bad for you!
Image from FreeDigitalPhotos.net
I have been experimenting with doing this meditation in the morning (to feel less bitchy during the day), before I make a big decision, before I try to communicate something important to someone, before I create something, write something….I even did this meditation right before I created the guided, audio version of it!
Let me know how it goes!
After you listen you my heart meditation, please feel free to share your experience in the comments section below. Did you have a hard time getting into it? Was one technique more helpful than the others? What did you first notice when you entered your heart space?
Veronica is my immoral other half. She is my wild and slutty evil twin/alter ego and when she isn’t travelling the world, doing nude yoga and slamming back martini’s, she’s dishing out Tarot wisdom for you right here…
Housewives Tarot
Today’s Tarot advice comes from The High Priestess.
She says “Shhhhhh….keep your secrets.”
This particularly applies to relationships of a romantic nature.
Certain marriage “experts” (cough, Dr. Phil, cough) will tell you that you must never keep secrets from your significant other and that true intimacy means sharing everything.
Yuck. No thanks.
If you want your life to have a certain robust, saucy flavour, you need to have some secrets.
So stop being so darn honest and “transparent” as the therapy-types like to say.
Don’t have any secrets? No problem! Create them. Take a young lover, start drinking in the daytime (if you don’t already) or stop wearing underpants.
You’ll be rocking that Mona Lisa smirk in no time!
Picture this: the candles are lit, Nag Champa incense is wafting about the room, a cozy fire is crackling in the background (or if your like me, your “fireplace” dvd is crackling in the background), and your hunkered down at your dining room table, giving your best friend a Tarot reading…
Your friend asks something typical like “Is Gary my soulmate?”
You roll your eyes, draw a card and…WTF?! It’s The Heirophant.
“F*ck!” you think. “What on Earth does that mean?!”
Card image is from The Rider-Waite Tarot Deck published by U.S.Games Systems, Inc.
Of course, you know exactly what The Hierophant means all on its own, but you have no idea what it means in relation to the question being asked.
Reading Tarot can sometimes feels like deciphering hieroglyphics. All you want is a clear answer and instead you end up feeling more and more confused!
This actually used to happen to me ALL THE TIME. And if I am being 100% honest with you, it still happens every now and then 😉 But luckily I have gotten my shit together and come up with some handy dandy ways to get around this annoying issue.
Tip #1: Put on Your Glasses
Have you ever heard that expression “looking at the world through rose-tinted lenses”? You want to look at the confusing Tarot card through situation-tinted lenses. Let me explain…
When you get a Tarot card that just doesn’t make sense, picture yourself calmly sliding on a pair of glasses, like Corey Hart in his Sunglasses at Night video…
Now imagine that these are magic glasses that will help you see the Tarot card in light of the particular issue.
So for the reading I mentioned earlier, you would put on your “soulmate searching” glasses and ask “in regards to finding one’s soulmate, what message does this card have for my friend?”
Look at the Tarot card:
Let go of the traditional card meaning for a sec and just see what pops into your head. Notice what symbol your attention is drawn to. Doing this gives your intuition a chance to come out and play.
Example: When I do this for The Hierophant (above), I suddenly notice that there are two identical pillars, two identical monks side by side and two keys crossed. This makes me think aha! soulmates! but then there’s that pesky Hierophant coming between them. So I might say that there is soulmate possibility, but there is a powerful force keeping them apart right now.
But what if The Hierophant had come up in a reading about career/life purpose?
As I slide on my magic glasses, I notice that this card really exudes authority and tradition. This could suggest your life purpose is to be an authority figure of some type, but it may require years of formal study. Or it could mean your life purpose will be intimately intertwined with spirituality.
Look at the “traditional meaning”:
Now that you’ve unleashed your intuition, it’s time to indulge your intellect! Take a look at the traditional card meaning through your magic glasses and see how it relates to your question.
According to the little white book that came with my Universal Waite Tarot deck, The Hierophant means “marriage alliance, captivity, servitude, mercy and goodness, inspiration, the man to whom the querent has recourse.”
So how could I bend this definition to shed light on the question “Is Gary my soulmate?”
Well, well, well! I might say that marriage to Gary would make sense in a socially acceptable, conform to society kind of way. Perhaps she really wants Gary to be her soul mate because marriage to him may solve many of her problems. But ultimately, this will make her feel trapped. This doesn’t really answer the question, but it does suggest that rushing into marriage isn’t necessary.
Here’s my demonstration of how to read a Tarot card in many different contexts:
Tip #2: Practice Looking at Each Tarot Card in Many Different Ways
Let’s take The Chariot. What might it mean if it came up in a reading about career? About love? About health?
Typically The Chariot is all about moving forward, success, etc, but what if it appears in the “things that are blocking me” position in a reading?
Doing this will require you to really ponder each card, its symbols and even look up the meanings in your book. Don’t be afraid to think outside the box. Consider both the negative and positive aspects of the card.
Card image is from The Rider-Waite Tarot Deck published by U.S.Games Systems, Inc.
Example: The Chariot: Career – advancing quickly
Love – triumph, success in romance
Health – health is improving, but keep things balanced
Block – too driven, need to slow down and relax
Negatives – too focused on “success” and getting to the destination, parts of the self being in disagreement (especially if the horses are going in different directions)
Tarot is meant to be flexible. When you first learn Tarot, its all about memorizing the specific card meanings, and this can put you in a rigid frame of mind. But as you develop your reading skills, the challenge is in using the context to bend and grow the card meanings.
This exercise helps your mind get used to looking at a Tarot card from all angles and contexts.
Tip #3: Don’t always expect your Tarot cards to give you a clear answer!
Sometimes a Tarot card will be the doorway to discovering your own solutions and answers, but it will not be the answer itself.
The images on a Tarot card may lead you on a trip down memory lane, steer you into a particular train of thought or an idea may be sparked. So don’t go chucking out your cards if they don’t make sense right away! Be willing to explore 🙂
Let me know what you think!
♥ What happened when you tried out this technique?
♥ Do you have a favorite trick for reading a Tarot card in a specific context?
Veronica is my evil twin. And oh my god is she evil! The contents of her Kindle are filthy, filthy, filthy, and her mind isn’t much better. The advice she gives via her Tarot cards is one stop short of crazy, but her intentions are pure. So every Friday I let her go batshit…
The Animal Wisdom Tarot by Dawn Brunke
Today is a good day to act like a sociopath. At least that’s what I think this card is trying to say.
The Eagle, Guardian of Feathers (aka King of Swords) is here to tell you not to get all emotional and touchy feely about everything. Be cool. Be calm. Detach.
I watched a documentary on eagles last week and those birds are horrible creatures. They don’t give a shit about anyone’s feelings! They push their infant siblings out of the nest and sometimes even eat them alive as soon as they hatch (provided the mama eagle isn’t around).
These giant winged jerks look out for number one. Get in the way of an Eagle and he will pluck your eyes out and won’t even feel a twinge of guilt.
So what can you learn from these airborne psychopaths?
I think Eagle gives us permission to be cool and detached every now and then. Just because you sometimes want to peck the brains and eyes out of your coworkers doesn’t mean you aren’t “spiritual”.
After all, the Eagle is a spiritual symbol. How such a mean bird managed to claim such a high place on the spiritual animal hierarchy is a mystery. Wrens and Robins – perfectly nice birds – are totally looked over.
So let that be a lesson.
In the comments below, tell me which animal you think gets waaaay to much undeserved attention…
Veronica Noir is my batshit crazy twin sister. She is just like me except she’s brilliant, has no sense of guilt or shame, speaks her mind and does whatever she wants, when she wants! Kind of like a psychopath….but with a heart of gold. Oh, and she also reads Tarot…
