veronica noir

Naughty Tarot Advice for the Weekend!

fridays with veronicaVeronica is my evil alter ego and she takes over my blog every friday. When she’s not looking at every Tarot card through a perverted lens, she’s getting bat-shit drunk on her balcony, reading trashy novels and eye-molesting every cute young boy toy that walks by. What oh what will she say this week?…

Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin

Happy Friday! Today’s Tarot card is Judgment.

Look closely and it would appear this mermaid is totally blowing something! A shell-flute – she’s blowing a shell-flute.

So the question is: what are you blowing this weekend?

Wait! That sounds filthy. Let me make it more spiritual for you.

What tune are you playing? What music are you making? What frequency are you vibrating at?

Because whatever your doing, your always broadcasting a frequency or energy of some sort. That energy is like a calling to other beings, things and experiences.

We’ve all heard those spiritually smug people say things like “what you do comes back to you, blah, blah” but that’s only part of the story.

So today, notice what horn are you blowing out to the world – what are you broadcasting?

And just be damn sure its hot, sexy and delicious tune!

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The Four of Rods – Stay Home This Weekend!

fridays with veronicaVeronica is a voracious man eater, tarot reader, cat lover and my evil twin/alter ego. She talks like a sailor, slinks about like Catwoman and always has some deliciously subversive advice for you! So without further ado…I bring you Veronica Noir!

four of rods
New Palladini Tarot

The Four of Rods is here to tell you to spend some time enjoying your hearth and home this weekend.

Delight yourself by doing boring crap like baking stuff in the oven. You know, like cinnamon buns and shit like that.

Wear an apron.

Clean things.

Make a fu*king pie!

But here’s the catch – don’t plan anything this weekend. Especially if you did a whole bunch of “stuff” last weekend. Have a couple of “home days” to yourself.

Genius and spiritual unfoldment do not arise from busy-ness and rushing about doing pointless things. Trust me!

But take the time to have a glass of wine and make some sort of horrid baked good – and you just might find yourself discovering the meaning of life in the process.

Or you might just find yourself mildly drunk. Either way, it’s a nice time 🙂

Hay House, Inc.

Full moon dreams + hippie sex!

fridays with veronicaVeronica Noir is my evil twin. She loves mean cats, nice boys and devouring melting ice cream sandwiches. Billionaire heiress by day, scrawler of paranormal smut by night. And for some sick reason I let her mess up my blog on Fridays…

Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin

Today we’ve got the Four of Swords!

I was about to rattle off some nonsense about meditation and going within until I noticed that the moon is shining a spotlight on this dreamer’s nether region…

It’s showtime!

Is the light of your unconsciousness casting an eerie glow on your sex life?

Are you having weird sex dreams?

If not…why not?

One of the greatest pleasures in life is having messed up dreams, so be sure you make an extra effort this weekend. Plus its a full moon! Eeeeeee!

Watch creepy sex movies like Eyes Wide Shut right before bed, eat cheese for a bedtime snack and put a drop of Patchouli on your pillow (its an aphrodisiac that might bring on a hippie dream)

It’s high time you had some free love!

Channel your inner cock (I mean rooster!)

fridays with veronicaVeronica is my evil twin and a Tarot card reading dynamo! She spends her days reading paranormal romance novels, suntanning on her balcony and leering at young male construction workers that are building her neighbors deck. Yum! She is here to tell you what to do with your life – so lets see what she has to say…

Animal Wisdom Tarot by Dawn Brunke

Cock-a -doodle-do! says the Rooster, wake the f*ck up!

Rub the sleepiness out of your eyes and step onto the scene of your life with gusto and snap – it’s time to announce yourself!

You might be thinking “can’t I just phone this one in today and get back to my zombie shuffle?”

The answer is NO!

It’s time to be awake, present and loud. Maybe even obnoxious. Like morning wood.

Live life on purpose today.

Stride (instead of shuffle) down the street, wear bright clothing, don’t try to fit in and make sure you act a little, well…. cocky!

You’ve been passive and non-offensive way to long, silly pants. Who cares if you annoy others?  The roost is yours to rule this weekend 😉

And I hope that wasn’t too much penis innuendo for you.

Shield yourself from twits

fridays with veronicaVeronica is my evil twin. She is also many other things: nude yoga practitioner, Tarot reader, ninja-spy, painter, professional napper and erotic fiction writer. Today she gifts you with a reading from my Angel cards…

Indigo Angel Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue

Today’s card is “Shielding” and it suggests that there is someone in your life who is really starting to piss you off.

Perhaps a co-worker who brags about never taking her breaks or a spouse who drapes his sweaty workout shirts on your furniture “to dry before putting them in the laundry hamper.”

Who ever it is, you have the overwhelming urge to erect a massive bubble around you, stick your fingers in your ears and go la la la la la la la!

Ignore those obnoxious twits in your life by finding your “happy place” – creating a bubble of denial where you can immerse yourself in fantasy and daydreaming to your hearts content.

This creates an invisible energy shield and those who seek to drain your energy will find you boring, repulsive and not worth their time. YES!

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Are you Judging Yourself?

fridays with veronicaVeronica Noir is an anarchist, International woman of mystery, banana bread lover, frantic scrawler of smut and just happens to be my evil twin/alter ego. Here is her take on the Judgement card…

Housewive’s Tarot

Have you been judging yourself lately?

Do you think you should be thinner, more motivated, more successful and more interesting than you actually are?

Maybe that’s not true. Maybe you should be exactly as you are.

Let me tell you a story.

I once had a job interview for a job I felt I was underqualified for (International Spy).

I had no experience whatsoever and to top if off I was late for the interview – my black Lamborghini broke down on the way there – and by the time I arrived I was panting and sweaty.

Turns out, the interviewer was kind of a perv and my heaving bosom and flushed skin turned him on. And the fact I had no qualifications only inflated his ego and made him feel superior to me. I got the job!

So let me say it again: you are perfect just the way you are. This weekend, release any self-judgements and just enjoy life!

Advice from The Magician!

fridays with veronicaVeronica Noir is my evil twin who is way more badass than myself. She is 10 x hotter, smarter and crazier than me and every Friday I let her do a one card reading on my blog. Her advice is always dreadful and sometimes even a bit rude. So without further ado…

the magician
Cosmic Tarot

Today’s Tarot card is The Magician and this magician in particular has a real panty-melting stare!

He seems to be encouraging you to put intensity into all that you do today. Don’t half-ass it, don’t be soft, don’t shuffle through it. Go full tilt!

The Magician is all about harnessing energy and then directing it to a specific goal.

If there’s something you want, you need to go after it like a sexual predator. No holds barred. Bystanders be damned!

One way to do this is to notice what your “energy drains” are. If your exhausted all the time, you sure as f*ck aren’t going to feel like goal setting.

For me, my energy drains are: boring people, grocery shopping, The John Tesh radio show and reality TV.

What are yours? Tell me all in the comments below!

The 9 of Swords…and why you need to nap more

fridays with veronicaVeronica is my crazed evil twin who reads Tarot, takes long naps and eats men for breakfast. Always sarcastic, slightly witty and a true hedonist, lets hear what she has to say this week…

Animal Wisdom Tarot by Dawn Brunke

Do you ever notice how crows are nefarious little birds? Always watching and plotting and much smarter than you suspect.

That’s because they use their minds for crafty, up to no good behavior and that is what you should do.

You have a crafty, nefarious mind too, but sometimes it uses you and not the other way around.

If your mind is going a mile a minute and just won’t shut the fuck up while you try to fall asleep at night, then you need to get your ass in gear.

Your mind is a tool. Use it. But don’t let it rule you!

Speaking of sleep, this weekend is a good time to catch up on some beauty sleep, one of my favorite hobbies.

Here are my tips for a good nap:

  • Convert your bondage blindfold into a sleep mask to block out the pesky sunlight
  • Always nap alone. Kick your boy-toy out of your bedroom for once!
  • Nap with your head at the foot of your bed – this is so you don’t associate your beauty nap with night time sleep and it just makes things so much more interesting.

Have a napilicious weekend 🙂

Nine of Wands: Start Aiming Lower…

fridays with veronicaVeronica Noir is a Tarot reader extraordinaire, serial man-eater and my evil twin sister. She likes telling people what to do, loudly saying the F-word at the grocery store and deeply inhaling sage smoke – its cleansing, right? Here is her weekly dose of Tarot guidance, just in time for the weekend…

9 of wands
Housewive’s Tarot

Success is sweet because once you are high up, you get to look down on everyone.

But then you start to fantasize that everyone’s out to get you, trying to knock you down and stomp on your face.

Success is stressful!

But nothing says zen-bliss like mediocrity. Sometimes its nice to just aim for blandness, middle of the road, average and unimpressive.

Sliding in under the radar is the most underrated, hedonistic pleasure.

“Reach for the stars!” annoying people say.

I like to reach for the glow in the dark stars on my bedroom ceiling that were haphazardly stuck on by the previous resident of my apartment. I know I can reach those!

So my advice for this weekend is this: keep your expectations low and no one gets disappointed!

Terrible Advice for Your Weekend…

fridays with veronicaVeronica Noir is my horrible alter ego. She reads Tarot Cards, writes dirty books and can make a mean cappuccino cheesecake! She loves giving shocking, offensive advice via this weekly blog…

five of cups
Housewives Tarot

Sometimes shit just doesn’t go your way.

But you always have the choice of rolling with it or digging in your heels and getting really, really pissed.

Personally, I like the second option best. Why does everything have to be positive, anyway?

Everyone’s always quick to say stupid shit like:

“look on the bright side!”

“every cloud has a silver lining!”

Fuck that. I like to revel in my misery.

So this weekend, if you feel grumpy, embrace it! Don’t try to run, don’t try to put a positive spin on it. Really immerse yourself in it. Play it for all its worth!

If you don’t allow yourself the decadent luxury of unchaperoned suffering from time to time, how will you ever know true happiness?


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