Veronica Noir is an anarchist, International woman of mystery, banana bread lover, frantic scrawler of smut and just happens to be my evil twin/alter ego. And that sneaky little witch has gotten into my Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards again…..
Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
The goddess Sulis is here to tell you to “Spend time near water, such as a lake, river, or the ocean, to recharge your batteries.”
OR…..
Get drunk in the bathtub!
But in all seriousness, you really need to drag your ass over to some water. Preferably loud, roaring water like a ferocious river so that your incessant thoughts and the voices of dumbf*cks all around you will be droned out.
There’s something very rejuvenating about massive bodies of water. Have you noticed this?
Your life could be a total shitstorm, but spend a few minutes gazing out at the sea or floating in a lake and you’re all like what was my problem again?
Also, we can learn a lot from water. Water flows. Obstacles be damned. Water is powerful. It’s everywhere. Still water gets slimy and scuzzy.
What kind of body of water are YOU? Are you a raging river, a torrential downpour, a still, calm lake or a magnificent ocean?
Veronica is my bad to the bone alter ego and she is here to slap some sense into you today! She took time out of her hectic day of relaxing, rejuvenating and re-energizing to write you this reading – so you’d better listen up and take her advice…
Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
“DON’T BACK DOWN!”
That’s what the Goddess Brigit is sayin’ to you right now.
Don’t let others manhandle you into doing stupid shit you don’t want to do this weekend. Stick to your guns.
If you set the intention to paint and meditate this weekend, and your most boring friend says “hey, lets go traipsing around stores all day long and buy a bunch of pointless crap,” you have to say NO!
Yes, people will try to drag you into their nonsense all weekend long if you let them.
Horrid family barbeques and tiresome fundraising events will consume your life if you’re not careful….so bring out your inner bitch – I mean Brigit – and start laying down the law.
You’ve got some serious shit to do this weekend and can’t be sidetracked by willy-nilly-nancies who wish to frittle away the day!
Veronica Noir, The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil counterpart, is here to kick some sense into you with her uncompassionate style of Tarot reading. She usually writes these half-drunk, so take her advice with a grain of salt…or a tablespoon!
Tarot of the Dream Enchantress
Today’s Tarot card is the Five of Cups, and boy oh boy is this mermaid PISSED!
This lady of the sea is knocking her cups this way and that shouting “well this is shit! This is shit! Don’t want this!”
Can you relate? I know I can!
Your life needs an overhaul. And guess what? It’s going to take more than the occasional yoga class or date night to vamp it up properly.
First of all, let me just say this: Of course your in a miserly state! People are dicks and life isn’t the cake walk that The Secret claimed it to be. I know, I know.
But you need to get a grip. Things aren’t so glum! The three cups at the bottom of the card represent three sneaky things you can do right now that will inject some orgasmicness into your veins…
No, not heroin. I was thinking salsa dancing lessons or something along those lines. But whatever you do, get out of your funk already. Because its totally boring.
Veronica Noir is my batshit crazy twin sister. She is just like me except she’s brilliant, has no sense of guilt or shame, speaks her mind and does whatever she wants, when she wants! Kind of like a psychopath….but with a heart of gold. Oh, and she also reads Tarot…
Housewives Tarot
Love, loss and betrayals of the heart! These are thing things the Three of Swords is made of. But don’t fret! All is not lost.
If you discover your lover is having an affair, you have two choices: cry into your oatmeal and listen to Taylor Swift songs as you load up your wagon and head to splitsville.
OR…
You could have a threesome!
Your welcome.
Really, its that simple. I could also have said “when life gives you lemons, make lemonaide”, but I thought you’d appreciate the x-rated version 😉
If things aren’t going your way, ask yourself how you can have some delicious fun with it. Trust me, behind every failure, infidelity or disaster is a hot, steamy encounter just waiting to happen!
My apologies for posting this late! I had this scheduled to post and somehow, my site didn’t post it automatically! Arrrgh! Better late than never 😉
Veronica Noir is a writer of smut, maker of cocktails and The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil, evil twin. When not reading Tarot she can be found lounging poolside in her neighbors yard (when they aren’t home) and lamenting the depressing lack of hot, young man-meat in her town. Let’s see what dreadful advice she has for you today…
The Housewives Tarot
Ah, The Tower! This particular version gives me the shudders, not because its The Tower, but because it reminds me of the horrors of jellied salad. Thank god no one makes that anymore!
Lately you’ve been thinking “gee, I really want to shake things up a bit and turn this craptastic world on its head!” but then you stop yourself and think “no, it would never work. The System is too strong.”
I have news for you – that which appears all solid and strong is not. In fact, it’s like jellied salad. If everything is still, it looks solid, but when you move around, it wobbles and your realize its just jelly and can be easily dismantled. So move around. Don’t just stand still. Shimmy and shake, prance and dance.
So I ask you, crazy banana that you are, how can you break the mould today? How can you make things wobble and shake? Tell me in the comments below!!!
Veronica Noir is the Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin. She is a new age vamp who bellydances, reads Tarot and eats men for breakfast. Let’s see what diabolical advice she has for us today…
Feeling overwhelmed by all the unrealistic expectations you have placed upon yourself? I thought so.
The Five of Wands is about competition. Not with others, but with yourself. Are you competing against your “ideal” self? The one who has a perfectly clean house, well behaved children and absolutely no cellulite?
Well stop it before a free floating toaster knocks you upside the head and sends you into a tailspin! You don’t have to do it all. That’s just madness.
Stop competing with yourself and start competing with others – like your best friend, sister or those bitches in your book club.
And its okay to cheat.
Host a lavish party and have it catered, but lie and say you made everything yourself. Wear a corset under your clothes and tell everyone you’ve been doing lots of pilates. Send yourself an elaborate bouquet of flowers at work and act all giggly and blushy when you get it – your coworkers will be green with envy! Mwaaahaha!
My evil twin Veronica Noir is back with a vengeance and she’s writing about her favorite topic – penis symbols in the Tarot. Why do I let this depraved woman write guest posts on my blog? I will never know…
Have you noticed how there seems to be a suspicious amount of phallic imagery in the Tarot? No? It’s just me? Well anyway…
Wands, swords, scepters, torches, pillars and walking sticks – it seems like anyone whose anyone in the Tarot is triumphantly grasping some kind of pole.
Before you scoff at this idea, I want to you grab your Tarot deck and have a gander. You will notice that nearly every Major Arcana card features someone holding a long, hard object. I am not being crude here – just telling it like it is!
In case you were doubting this King’s potency, he is wielding a giant phallus in this left hand (Rider-Waite Tarot)
The Minor Arcana cards are no exception to this rule, either. The entire suit of Wands and Swords feature numerous phallus-like symbols on every card.
So what’s with all the phallus’s????? This is a question I have been meticulously pondering all week.
So lets start with talking about what a phallus (aka penis-shaped object) symbolizes.
A phallus represents male energy. Think power, potency, fertility, passion, action and extroversion.
The suits of Swords and Wands are “male” suits. The Swords suit deals with thought/mind/rationality, which are stereotypically associated with maleness in our culture (even though we all know that’s just silly!) And the Wands suit symbolizes passion and action which is, again, is often associated more with masculinity than femininity.
The other two suits in the Tarot – Pentacles and Cups – are female suits. The Cup and Pentacle both symbolize the womb. The suit of Cups is all about emotion, feeling and relationships, while Pentacles is about home, health and the body – all things typically associated with women.
Trumpet or phallic symbol? You decide… (Crystal Visions Tarot)
To sum things up, the Suit of Swords and the Suit of Wands represent extroverted qualities – and the penis is the perfect symbol of extroversion since it is literally extroverted. Vaginas and wombs are literally introverted, therefore, the female suits of Cups and Pentacles stand for introverted qualities.
I hope I haven’t lost you in all this rambling about penis and vagina symbols. Anyhow…
Try this:
Ask yourself “what is my relationship to power?” Now, choose a Tarot card. Notice if there is a phallic symbol on your card.
What is the phallic symbol doing? Is it penetrating someone from behind like in the Ten of Swords? Or laying limply on the floor like in the Four of Swords?
How is this symbol being held? Proudly or nonchalantly? Is the phallus a burden like in the Ten of Wands and Two of Swords, or is it something you want to steal, like in the Five of Swords and Seven of Swords?
Some other cool questions to ask are:
What role does passion play in my life right now?
What do I need to know about “taking action” in my life?
How is my masculine energy showing up for me?
Whenever a penis-like object shows up in a reading ask yourself what role it plays in that card. Then relate it to either power, passion or action. And voila! Magical insights explode onto the scene!
In the comments below, tell me what card you chose and what you think the phallus symbol means to you….can’t wait to read these comments 😉
Veronica Noir is a lover of Tarot, writer of erotic fiction and The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil twin. She lives for cappuccino cheesecake, bitchy cats, eavesdropping in coffee shops, conspiracy theories and the occasional skinny dip.
Meet my evil, Tarot reading twin Veronica! Feeling lost? In need of some good advice? Well, you’ve come to the wrong place. Veronica loves nothing more than telling other people how to live (and ruin) their lives in spectacular fashion. So take her advice. If you dare…
Cosmic Tarot
When I was four years old, I used to cut out images of jewelry from jewelry ads in old Vogue magazines and then scotch tape them to my body before venturing out with my mother.
I remember smugly thinking why would anyone be stupid enough to waste money buying real jewelry when they can just cut out pictures of jewelry and stick it on?
To my four year old brain, pictures of jewels were just as satisfying as real, physical jewels.
And this is where The Magician comes in! He’s all about illusion, trickery and seduction. And today he says “if you can’t have the REAL thing, maybe there’s a substitute that is actually way more fun.”
For example, have you ever attended an orgy on Zoom? It’s not as terrifying as an in-person orgy, you can’t catch anything, there’s no BO and it’s easier to leave! Win, win, win, win.
So sidle up to your old mags with a pair of snippers, cut out the best diamonds you can find and adorn yourself from head to toe. Now you’re ready for the orgy.
Meet my evil, Tarot reading twin Veronica! Feeling lost? In need of some good advice? Well, you’ve come to the wrong place. Veronica loves nothing more than telling other people how to live (and ruin) their lives in spectacular fashion. So take her advice. If you dare…
The Osho Zen Tarot
I was reading an obituary the other day that filled me with despair and sadness. Not because the person I was reading about had died and was missed by loved ones but by how this person was described.
The deceased was described as being a “nice person” who “always put others first” and “only had good words to say” and was “loved by everyone.”
Which got me thinking…if your going to spend what little time you have on this Earth being polite, smiling all the time and not talking shit about everyone, what’s the point?
The card I drew today was The Rebel (aka The Emperor) from the Osho Zen Tarot. What do you think might be in his obit?
More importantly, what will be in yours?
The Rebel advises you to go your own way and forge your own path. This might mean you break some rules or piss a few boring people off. Or not. Depends on what your “path” asks of you.
Perhaps your “path” is to sip tea and play with kittens and take naps and read steamy romance novels while eating raspberry cream cheese muffins.
Fuck. Now I’m hungry.
I guess what I’m saying is what do you want to be remembered for? Are you doing that right now? Or are you doing something else?
I don’t even know the answer to that myself, so don’t feel bad if you don’t either. But I do know this – I’m going to get my enemies to write my obit. Why? Because it will make for a more interesting read than anything my friends and family could come up with!
If YOUR enemies wrote your obit, what would it say? Tell me in the comments below!
Meet my evil, Tarot reading twin Veronica! Feeling lost? In need of some good advice? Well, you’ve come to the wrong place. Veronica loves nothing more than telling other people how to live (and ruin) their lives in spectacular fashion. So take her advice. If you dare…
The Cook’s Tarot by Judith Mackay Stirt
Things aren’t always what they seem. Illusions are everywhere!
I for one like to wear push up bras, lash extensions and deodorant. Now everyone thinks my B.O. smells like ylang ylang and vanilla! So mysterious.
The Moon tells us that we possess the ability to create illusions so that others see us how we’d like to be seen – whether it’s the perky breasted version of you or the blissfully happy, “so blessed” social media version of you.
Which is great!
But The Moon has a dark side (literally AND figuratively). While you fool everyone into thinking you have 4″ eyelashes, you are equally fooled by stuff.
Once I spent $80 on cellulite cream because I thought it would make me hotter than I already am. It didn’t work. I’m still just garden variety hot and not super hot. Oh well. At least my ass smells like vanilla caramel.
The Moon asks you – what illusions are you buying into? What illusions are you trying to create? And what’s the most you’ve ever spent on cellulite cream? I want to know…
Veronica Noir is an anarchist, International woman of mystery, banana bread lover, frantic scrawler of smut and just happens to be my evil twin/alter ego. And that sneaky little witch has gotten into my Goddess Guidance Oracle Cards again…..
