Veronica Noir - Daily Tarot Girl

Veronica’s Bitchy Take on The Hanged Man…

Veronica is my evil twin and alter ego. She lives in a world of red feather boas, salted caramels and gorgeous man-sluts. Having mastered the fine arts of leisure and pleasure and is here to slap some sense into you with her deck of Tarot cards…..

Today’s Tarot card is The Hanged Man and it’s message is as clear as day – if someone’s annoying you today, hang them out to dry!

There’s someone in your life who is more demanding than necessary. Maybe more than one person. Always wanting you to rearrange your schedule to suit their bullshit needs.

Normally, you rush and scramble to cater to these fucks. Well, no more. No More!

Your time is fucking gold. People should be tripping over themselves to be gifted with even a mere moment of your precious attention.

And yet your good friend wants to reschedule your lunch date today for 45 minutes later because she’s waiting for the UPS guy to show up with the new juicer she ordered. Um….WTF?!

Or maybe your pesky client just doesn’t show up for their appointment with you. Typical.

Don’t get all flustered and be all like “hmf, hmf, nobody respects me! People treat me like crap!”

Nip that shit in the bud. Don’t give second chances. Don’t say horribly untrue things like “It’s okay, I understand. Sure. We can reschedule. No problem, I don’t mind.”

Because doing that kills your soul….slowly.

Even if all you have on your schedule for today are naps, reading, and more naps….it doesn’t matter. Stop being so damn flexible!

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Who annoys you today? Veronica to the rescue…

Veronica is my fun-loving evil twin. She spends her days swanning about her apartment, painting nude men and writing about Tarot. Her readings are blunt and tasteless…yet oddly helpful. Basically, she just wants to slap the crap out of you with her Tarot cards! Now let’s get to today’s reading…

Are there people in your life that totally piss you off?

Pfffft, of course there are!

Do you sometimes moan about how your romantic partner is a total douche-bag who just doesn’t appreciate you?

Well, at the risk of sounding like a smug new-ager, let me tell you this: the relationships you have with others always mirror the relationship you have with yourself.

What’s even more terrifying is that we project our “disowned selves” (the parts of ourselves we don’t like) onto those around us.

Here’s a true story: for the longest time, I felt irritated whenever I saw someone driving a huge, souped up truck. I would think “what a prick!” To me, souped up trucks symbolized flagrant excessiveness – all that gas! – and obvious attention whoring – look at me and my big truck!

But when I looked within, I realized that I LOVE to be excessive – I always fill the bath tub to near overflowing and prefer to eat the best quality chocolate I can find. None of that drugstore chocolate for me! And while I don’t seek attention in an obvious way (yachting around the Mediterranean with a gang of boy toys doesn’t count!), I wish I had more of it.

So there you go.

Oh, I almost forgot…….Happy Halloween!

Now you finally have an excuse to dress all slutty in public.

Not that you needed one.

xoxo
Veronica

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What the Three of Swords REALLY Means….

4 Comments / October 2014, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / October 24, 2014

Veronica is my bad to the bone alter ego and she is here to slap some sense into you! She took time out of her hectic day of hot yoga, napping and netflixing to write you this reading – so you’d better listen up and take her advice…

3 of swords — Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin

When I was a little girl, my grandmother had a really pretty silk pincushion that she kept tucked away in her sewing box.

Every time I used to visit I would find that pincushion and violently stab pins into it, delighting in the way it felt to be so brutal with something so delicate.

Now lets pretend that pincushion is your heart and those pins are your negative thoughts. That’s what the Three of Swords is all about!

Sometimes we want to have negative thoughts and feel the drama that arises. Sometimes we secretly get off on believing that others are betraying us in some way – so we can be all pissy pants about it and mope around in our own misery.

So if someone isn’t quite living up to your romantic expectations of how they should be, ask yourself if that’s really true or are you just causing unnecessary heartache for yourself?

Because admit it, on some level that self-inflicted cruelty is a little bit delicious! At least it gives you a good excuse to binge on chocolate and exotic man-boys.

Or maybe that’s just me.

Although the Three of Swords is the triple penetration card! Pfffft! Teeeheehee!

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Time to meet your inner Buddha

16 Comments / October 2014, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / October 17, 2014

Veronica is my evil twin and partner in crime. You can find her camping out in metaphysical bookstores and napping through a yoga class. When she isn’t scrawling chick-porn on her laptop, she’s writing Tarot readings for this blog…

Your Inner Buddha wants you to just chill the fuck out already. Seriously.

Your personality/ego self is all like “aah! What must people think of me? I don’t make enough money! I look like a bloated whale in these pants! How am I going to get everything done today?”

Meanwhile, your Inner Buddha reclines on a chaise lounge with a joint in one hand, not giving a shit about any of it.

It’s time to meet this mysteriously calm little person inside of you….

When you think “what will the bitches in my office think of my new shoes?”, your Inner Buddha thinks “where can I find some velcro moccasins?”

When you obsess about whether or not your partner really loves you, your Inner Buddha couldn’t care less. It’s completely fucking irrelevant.

It’s not that your Inner Buddha doesn’t care about anything, it’s just that it doesn’t care about stupid pointless shit. And for many of us, worrying and thinking about stupid pointless shit can consume a pretty big part of our day.

So this weekend, don’t try to stop worrying or thinking about stupid pointless shit. That never works. Just ask yourself “what would my Inner Buddha do?”

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Six of Wands ~ The dangers of being an overachieving jerk-off

7 Comments / October 2014, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / October 10, 2014

Veronica is my alter ego – she says the things I have always longed to say and does the things I’ve always longed to do! When she isn’t whizzing around the world in her private jet full of boy toys, she’s yelling at crows (they are so loud at 5 am!) and sneering at what other people are buying in the grocery store. Here is her take on the Six of Wands…

Do you remember that obnoxious scene in Titanic where Leo Dicaprio shouts “I’m the king of the world!” from the bow of the ship? And then dies later?

Well, that’s what this card reminds me of.

And do you know someone in your life who is an annoying overachiever? Some dick who runs marathons, buys “investment properties” and has a “career”?

I know, those people are everywhere!

Or heaven forbid, maybe YOU are an overachiever. It’s okay, there’s still hope for you.

The Six of Wands depicts the fleeting glee that arises when you “succeed” on society’s terms.

It’s all sunshine and silken red loincloths at first, but then you realize that being successful isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. In fact, it demands a certain amount of those sinister traits called responsibility and maturity. Um, yuck. No thanks.

If your “success” brings you more unpleasantness – like more work, more busy-ness, less free time, etc – then you need to re-think what success really means for you.

My personal idea of success is long stretches of uninterrupted free time, anonymity, fancy bedding and not giving a shit about what others think of me.

What’s yours?

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Veronica’s financial advice (The Four of Pentacles)

18 Comments / October 2014, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / October 3, 2014

Veronica Noir, The Daily Tarot Girl’s evil counterpart, is here to kick some sense into you with her uncompassionate style of Tarot reading. She usually writes these half-drunk, so take her advice with a grain of salt…or a tablespoon!

4 of coins — Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffi

Are you tired of spending your hard earned money on totally boring things like insurance, taxes, RRSPs and toothpaste?

The Four of Coins nymph is here to suggest that you start spending your cash on the things that matter – lavish dinners, theater tickets, Turkish towels and gigolos!

That is what money was made for! Not all this boring shit that seems to consume 100% of your income. Good God!

Some people think the Four of Coins (aka Four of Pentacles) is about being cheap or feeling the need to pinch pennies. But it’s not!

Its about feeling pissed off that you have to spend so much money on totally pointless stuff that brings you absolutely no pleasure whatsoever. Like spending tons of money on a modest, unsexy car….so you can drive to work everyday.

So this weekend, blow your dough on something totally delicious. Something totally extravagant. Something totally….hedonistic!

In the comments below, tell me what one awesome thing you are going to spend your money on this weekend….and please don’t say “penny slots” or Doritos. Fuck!

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Four of Swords: the health benefits of lazing around

12 Comments / September 2014, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / September 26, 2014

Veronica is my evil twin. She’s wicked, nasty and way more interesting than myself! Here is her take on the Four of Swords…

You know when you have those days where all you want to do is just lay on the couch for hours and watch 90210 (the 90’s version) on Netflix?

Remember LUKE PERRY?!

But you tell yourself “no, that’s lazy, I must go grocery shopping, do laundry and attend some shitty social event tonight.”

And then you get sick.

And you are forced to cancel because you feel horrible.

But then you get to spend all night on your couch watching 90210 re-runs.

Well played, my friend, well played.

The Four of Swords has shown up to remind you to take some downtime.

And not any of that high-quality downtime, like meditation or yoga. I’m talking low quality down time. Nachos, Netflix, Harlequin romance novels – that kind of shit!

Engaging in that kind of soul-poisoning claptrap is actually quite nourishing at times. It’s what I call true self care and it just might be your best cold prevention medicine!

In the comments below, I want you to tell me exactly what kind of “low quality downtime” you will be engaging in this weekend….

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Veronica’s 3 Rules for Being More Fabulous

15 Comments / September 2014, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / September 19, 2014

Veroncia is my evil twin/alter ego who writes awful Tarot readings on Friday’s. She loves sneering at happy couples, eavesdropping on her neighbor’s fights and ignoring everyone on Facebook. Yes, she is totally evil…

The Six of Swords reminds me of my favorite super-bitchy spiritual saying “wherever you go, you take yourself with you.”

We all know some jerk who’s always spouting off about how this place sucks and why it’s way better someplace else.

Or maybe you do this.

Have you ever found yourself day-dreaming about having a different job, romantic partner or body?

Well guess what?

It’s easy to romanticize something that you don’t have to encounter every fucking day. The reality is never the juicy utopia of your fantasies!

And here’s the bombshell…if your not awesome, your surroundings never will be.

So if you find yourself in a state of transition, which the Six of Swords suggests, don’t get your panties in a twist trying to change everything and everyone around you.

Instead, transform yourself. Be more fabulous.

But how?! you ask.

Veronica’s Rules For Being More Fabulous

1. Stop going on Facebook. It’s just people’s boring wedding and baby pictures anyway.

2. Start using cash to pay for things….and always keep it stuffed in your bra (or jock strap).

3. Read smutty books in the break room at work and conduct live “readings” whenever possible!

Yep, just three rules. Should be simple for you. Good luck 😉

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3 of Cups: Finding Your Tribe of Wackos

22 Comments / Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / September 5, 2014

Veronica is my evil twin and fellow Tarot reader. How evil is she? Well, she detests baby showers and thinks wearing panties is for wimps. And when she isn’t strutting about in slutty halloween costumes all year round, she can be found in her local metaphysical bookstore….reading books but never buying anything. Here is her take on the Three of Cups…

3 of cups hezicos — Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin

Today’s Tarot card is the Three of Cups (from the Hezicos Tarot), which predicts that it won’t be long until you find your tribe of fellow wack-jobs!

For too long now you have felt like an outsider in your community – the crazy one, the one with odd hobbies and interests.

Not everyone is into meditating with crystals, energy healing and Shamanic journeying. In fact, hardly anyone is. Which has made you wonder….is it me? Am I the odd one?

Yes, you are! But guess what? That’s a good thing. All those normal people are crap…and they’re boring!

It’s high time you celebrated your unique nutsyness by starting a community of sorts. Put the call out – start a dream group, a healing circle or a Tarot study group – you will be shocked silly at the response you get!

Here’s a secret I found out recently….not everyone who seems “normal” actually is. Most of them are just pretending…just waiting for someone to come along and start an Astral Travel support group or something, so they can find their tribe.

So don’t be a lolagagging Lola….get out there and start recruiting some fringey friends!

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The REAL meaning of the Ten of Wands…

12 Comments / August 2014, Veronica Noir / Kate (Daily Tarot Girl) / August 29, 2014

Veronica Noir is my batshit crazy twin sister. She is just like me except she’s brilliant, has no sense of guilt or shame, speaks her mind and does whatever she wants, when she wants! Kind of like a psychopath….but with a heart of gold. Oh, and she also reads Tarot…

10 of rods — Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin

Ah yes! The Ten of Rods (aka Ten of Wands) – a warning for you to plug your ears to the siren call of wanting more.

Here’s a depressing equation:

feeling empty + wanting more = taking on lots of responsibilities, roles, hobbies and friends to make your life more meaningful and important + realizing your still empty, but now your also exhausted = resentment x 100

I was always crappy at math, so the above equation may not make sense to you, but that’s not the point.

The point is, all your roles and duties will only weigh you down on the adventure of life!

Do you knowsomeone who is always informing you of all the different roles they play? For example, a friend who says shit like “I’m a wife, mother, sister, chef, girl guide leader, janitor, blah, blah, blah” and you all you can think is holy fuck, when do you have time to fap?

While the Urban Dictionary defines the term fap as “the onomatopoeic representation of masturbation”, I would like to extend that definition to include all activities that are pleasurable but ultimately serve no purpose – like watching Entertainment Tonight, googling hot celebrities, organizing your nail polish collection – stuff like that.

Make time to fap. A life without adequate fap time will only foster resentment.