Veronica Noir is my evil twin. She loves mean cats, nice boys and devouring melting ice cream sandwiches. Billionaire heiress by day, scrawler of paranormal smut by night. And for some sick reason I let her mess up my blog on Fridays…
I was about to rattle off some nonsense about meditation and going within until I noticed that the moon is shining a spotlight on this dreamer’s nether region…
It’s showtime!
Is the light of your unconsciousness casting an eerie glow on your sex life?
Are you having weird sex dreams?
If not…why not?
One of the greatest pleasures in life is having messed up dreams, so be sure you make an extra effort this weekend. Plus its a full moon! Eeeeeee!
Watch creepy sex movies like Eyes Wide Shut right before bed, eat cheese for a bedtime snack and put a drop of Patchouli on your pillow (its an aphrodisiac that might bring on a hippie dream)
Veronica is my crazy, evil Tarot card reading twin. When she’s not traipsing about town sans underpants, she’s writing filthy trash and knocking back Mojitos like armageddon is just around the corner. Let’s see what kind of cracked out advice she’s cooked up for us today…
Animal Wisdom Tarot by Dawn Brunke
Today’s card is the Ten of Fossils (aka Ten of Pentacles), represented by Dog.
Dogs are all about loyalty and sucking up.
I’m more of a cat myself.
When you people-please and ass sniff all day long, bonds are instantly formed! It’s easy to feel part of the family.
But if your more cat-like, you might find yourself with more space for solitude and soothing emptiness – especially if you are prone to raking people’s faces when they get too touchy feely with you.
Traditionally this card is all about “the marketplace” or “everyday society”
So, ask yourself: when it comes to my place in my community/family, am I a cat or a dog?
Do you go through the motions of everyday life like a dog chasing a stick, clueless as to why he is doing it, but throwing himself into it wholeheartedly nonetheless?
Or do you sit on the sidelines, like a bitchy cat, enjoying your own snide mental commentary of your canine-esque neighbors and colleagues?
Veronica is my evil twin and a Tarot card reading dynamo! She spends her days reading paranormal romance novels, suntanning on her balcony and leering at young male construction workers that are building her neighbors deck. Yum! She is here to tell you what to do with your life – so lets see what she has to say…
Animal Wisdom Tarot by Dawn Brunke
Cock-a -doodle-do! says the Rooster, wake the f*ck up!
Rub the sleepiness out of your eyes and step onto the scene of your life with gusto and snap – it’s time to announce yourself!
You might be thinking “can’t I just phone this one in today and get back to my zombie shuffle?”
The answer is NO!
It’s time to be awake, present and loud. Maybe even obnoxious. Like morning wood.
Live life on purpose today.
Stride (instead of shuffle) down the street, wear bright clothing, don’t try to fit in and make sure you act a little, well…. cocky!
You’ve been passive and non-offensive way to long, silly pants. Who cares if you annoy others? The roost is yours to rule this weekend 😉
And I hope that wasn’t too much penis innuendo for you.
Veronica is my evil twin. She is also many other things: nude yoga practitioner, Tarot reader, ninja-spy, painter, professional napper and erotic fiction writer. Today she gifts you with a reading from my Angel cards…
Indigo Angel Oracle Cards by Doreen Virtue
Today’s card is “Shielding” and it suggests that there is someone in your life who is really starting to piss you off.
Perhaps a co-worker who brags about never taking her breaks or a spouse who drapes his sweaty workout shirts on your furniture “to dry before putting them in the laundry hamper.”
Who ever it is, you have the overwhelming urge to erect a massive bubble around you, stick your fingers in your ears and go la la la la la la la!
Ignore those obnoxious twits in your life by finding your “happy place” – creating a bubble of denial where you can immerse yourself in fantasy and daydreaming to your hearts content.
This creates an invisible energy shield and those who seek to drain your energy will find you boring, repulsive and not worth their time. YES!
Veronica Noir is an anarchist, International woman of mystery, banana bread lover, frantic scrawler of smut and just happens to be my evil twin/alter ego. Here is her take on the Judgement card…
Housewive’s Tarot
Have you been judging yourself lately?
Do you think you should be thinner, more motivated, more successful and more interesting than you actually are?
Maybe that’s not true. Maybe you should be exactly as you are.
Let me tell you a story.
I once had a job interview for a job I felt I was underqualified for (International Spy).
I had no experience whatsoever and to top if off I was late for the interview – my black Lamborghini broke down on the way there – and by the time I arrived I was panting and sweaty.
Turns out, the interviewer was kind of a perv and my heaving bosom and flushed skin turned him on. And the fact I had no qualifications only inflated his ego and made him feel superior to me. I got the job!
So let me say it again: you are perfect just the way you are. This weekend, release any self-judgements and just enjoy life!
Veronica Noir is my evil twin who is way more badass than myself. She is 10 x hotter, smarter and crazier than me and every Friday I let her do a one card reading on my blog. Her advice is always dreadful and sometimes even a bit rude. So without further ado…
Cosmic Tarot
Today’s Tarot card is The Magician and this magician in particular has a real panty-melting stare!
He seems to be encouraging you to put intensity into all that you do today. Don’t half-ass it, don’t be soft, don’t shuffle through it. Go full tilt!
The Magician is all about harnessing energy and then directing it to a specific goal.
If there’s something you want, you need to go after it like a sexual predator. No holds barred. Bystanders be damned!
One way to do this is to notice what your “energy drains” are. If your exhausted all the time, you sure as f*ck aren’t going to feel like goal setting.
For me, my energy drains are: boring people, grocery shopping, The John Tesh radio show and reality TV.
What are yours? Tell me all in the comments below!
Veronica Noir is a Tarot reader extraordinaire, serial man-eater and my evil twin sister. She likes telling people what to do, loudly saying the F-word at the grocery store and deeply inhaling sage smoke – its cleansing, right? Here is her weekly dose of Tarot guidance, just in time for the weekend…
Housewive’s Tarot
Success is sweet because once you are high up, you get to look down on everyone.
But then you start to fantasize that everyone’s out to get you, trying to knock you down and stomp on your face.
Success is stressful!
But nothing says zen-bliss like mediocrity. Sometimes its nice to just aim for blandness, middle of the road, average and unimpressive.
Sliding in under the radar is the most underrated, hedonistic pleasure.
“Reach for the stars!” annoying people say.
I like to reach for the glow in the dark stars on my bedroom ceiling that were haphazardly stuck on by the previous resident of my apartment. I know I can reach those!
So my advice for this weekend is this: keep your expectations low and no one gets disappointed!
Veronica is my evil twin, alter ego, and a real maverick of sorts. She spends her days swanning about her apartment, writing smut, eating cheesecake and god knows what else. On Friday’s she does a horrifically unhelpful reading for you to enjoy…..
The Housewive’s Tarot
Today’s message comes from The Hermit.
Spend this weekend soaking in the tub, ordering take out, eating chocolate and reading filthy romance novels.
Oh wait, I just remembered its Easter Weekend. F##K!
I guess your supposed to spend time with family, cook a boring dinner and humor everyone.
Well, no matter what you do this weekend, be sure to squeeze in a little me-time – if anything, it will keep you sane!
Veronica is my terrible alter ego to whom I give free reign for a few minutes on a Friday, so she can write this reading for you. Her advice is always bad, so be sure not to take it ;)…
The Fairytale Tarot by Karen Mahony
The Fool is here to say It’s okay to be an idiot if it means you get to have an adventure!
Being smart is overrated and always leads to boring evenings spent watching TV with safe, dull people.
Have you been wearing mostly beige, black and brown lately? Time to color it up! buy a crazy scarf in a bright color or wear some sky blue tights (even if your a guy).
Do something different this weekend – go on a mini adventure. Pack some smelly cheeses in a sac along with grapes, crackers and wine. Take it to the park along with a blank notebook and pen.
Then, plunk yourself down on a grassy knoll and pen some erotic fiction as you proceed to get drunk in public and gorge yourself on cheese.
Gosh, just writing this I am getting so excited for the weekend! I can’t f#$*ing wait!
If you are trying to make an important decision, don’t ask yourself if its the right decision, ask if it will lead to thrills and adventure.
Now is not the time to play it safe. Be reckless, be wild and enjoy it!
Learning the Tarot Court Cards was the most challenging aspect of becoming a Tarot reader!
For me, trying to learn the Tarot Court Card meanings felt like being at a really boring party and attempting to remember the names of all the boring guests that I knew I’d never see again.
Why bother?
And yet, Court Cards kept showing up in my readings, much to my irritation. So I knew I had to buckle down and learn the little fuckers.
How did I do it? I had fun with them.
I fleshed out the characters of each Court Card in my head. And at the incessant urging of my evil twin Veronica, I forced myself to consider each and every Court Card as a sexual being.
The Pages are somewhat androgynous, which makes this all the more fun!
A Page can be either a young man or young woman. Some decks show the Pages as young women, while the Rider-Waite-Smith portrays them as youthful girly-boys.
The Pages are still finding themselves sexually and they represent the immature qualities of their suit.
The Page of Cups
Robin-Wood Tarot
Suit qualities: emotions, feelings, relationships
Personality traits: He’s spaced out and slutty!
Young, artsy, footloose and fancy-free, the Page of Cups is the ultimate sexual explorer.
Ever the opportunist, this Page sees the sexy potential in everyone and everything. He/she knows that any dorm party, sculpting class or job interview could turn into a spontaneous, erotic adventure at any moment! So he’s always prepared and ready to go.
If you ever date the Page of Cups he will be disarmingly romantic – writing you songs, painting you in the nude and reenacting the pottery wheel scene from Ghost.
But then he’ll nail your sister.
He doesn’t mean to hurt others or make them feel used, its just a natural consequence of his carefree sexual nature.
Secret fantasy: rolling around naked on a canvas covered in paint.
Personality traits: He’s adventurous, stupidly brave and full of energy!
The Page of Wands is so energetic in the sack that it’s irritating.
This dude can go all night, but after a while you start to get that panicky feeling like when someone has you cornered at a party and just won’t stop talking. You just want it to end!
This sexy Page isvery adventurous and up for anything. No matter what bizarre sex ideas you have, this guy will try it.
He is often drawn to older women, which is a good thing because he could stand to learn a little finesse in the bedroom.
There’s more to lovemaking than just thrusting away like a high-speed sex robot. But the Page of Wands does not know this yet.
Secret fantasy: Being a powerful Sheik, surrounded by a harem of beautiful women
The Page of Pentacles
Crystal Visions Tarot
Suit qualities: money, health, home, the body
Personality traits: She’s studious, inquisitive and loves to learn
The Page of Pentacles loves to study up on everything, so naturally she is educating herself on the carnal arts!
But she prefers to read rather than do.
She may sit in a stuffy library devouring The Kama Sutra and The Joy of Sex, but she’s much too reserved to go grab some guy from the bar down the street to experiment on.
This nerdy Page is totally at home in her own body, but she’d rather sit up in a tree strumming her own Lute than join an orchestra. Promiscuous she is not!
But her fortress walls can be penetrated. Just invite her back to your place to see your antique book collection and she’ll be putty in your hands.
Secret fantasy: Seducing her Philosophy professor at the front of an empty lecture hall.
The Page of Swords
The Paulina Tarot
Suit qualities: intellect, thoughts, mind, communication
Personality traits: She’s a tad mentally unstable
This crazy gal read 50 Shades of Grey like everyone else and now pretends to be into BDSM just because its trendy.
She proudly displays her handcuffs and riding crop for all her bedroom visitors to see. Not because she’s kinky but because she wants people to think she’s dark and edgy.
The Page of Swords doesn’t realize it yet, but missionary position, vanilla sex with a generic, dentally perfect hunk is what really lights her loins on fire.
She does not yet know who she is sexually, but that’s okay. She’ll figure it out eventually. In the meantime, she’s content to half-heartedly dominate you.
Secret fantasy: Marrying a male model.
Read all about the Tarot Knights in bed right here
Veronica Noir is my evil twin. She loves mean cats, nice boys and devouring melting ice cream sandwiches. Billionaire heiress by day, scrawler of paranormal smut by night. And for some sick reason I let her mess up my blog on Fridays…
