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Sexy Tarot: The Fool

With a little help from my evil twin Veronica, this blog series aims to answer the two burning questions that are probably on every Tarot enthusiasts mind:
1) If this Tarot card were a person, what would they be like in bed?
2) What advice does this card have for you about your sex life?

The Fool

Rider Waite Tarot, Published by US Games Systems, Inc.

The Fool is both moronic and deliciously refreshing! He approaches life (and sex) with an adventurous fearlessness which kind of makes him an idiot – but in a hot way.

What would The Fool be like in bed? Let me put it this way…

Have you ever had sex with someone who always does the exact same thing, in the exact same way, over and over again, never deviating from the monotonous routine? Someone who balks at the suggestion of trying something new?

The Fool is the exact opposite of that!

The Fool embraces sexual adventures and isn’t scared of being vulnerable or looking stupid. In other words, he doesn’t live in fear of losing his boner or feel like a twit when he’s role playing in a cheesy pirate costume. Life is too short to be sexually self conscious!

Despite past rejections and mishaps, The Fool remains open, flexible and optimistic, both emotionally and sexually. This is a dude who is not afraid of taking big risks in the boudoir, whether he’s confessing his most bizarre kink or holding eye contact for longer than two seconds.

And did I mention he’s up for anything? He’s like an ardent (and sometimes naive) tourist in Sexytown, yearning to see all the sights and become fluent in the language of lust. Basically, he’s someone you’re gonna wanna bang.

Guess what? The Fool has some valuable advice for you:

He says stop being so uptight in bed – let your hair down and let go of inhibitions. Ignore your fear of having your partner laugh at your weird sex fantasies. So what?!!

Be willing to take some erotic risks. Yes, sometimes you end up with a scraped knee, a broken heart and/or genital herpes. That’s life. Get over it.

Like a horny Columbus on the high seas of eroticism, be willing to explore, embark on sexy adventures and discover new things about yourself. You’ll be glad you did.

Tune in next week when I reveal the oozing charisma of The Magician!

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Nervous? Drawing a Blank? Here’s My Fave Technique for Getting Unstuck During a Tarot Reading

I always tell people that the key to being a good intuitive tarot reader is relaxation, because insights and ideas can’t enter your head when it’s a solid block of anxiety.

But what if you just can’t relax when you’re giving someone a Tarot reading?

Being all chill and laid back doesn’t come easy to everyone, myself included, and sometimes giving a reading can feel as awkward as dancing in public when you were thirteen.

Here’s a sad confession: despite all my years reading Tarot cards, I still occasionally struggle with this and relaxation exercises only take me so far.

But then I discovered a totally new way to kick back and put my critical “but you’ll screw this up!” part of my mind on pause. No, it’s not weed, it’s even better….I created my very own alter ego.

Now when I’m caught in the throes of self-consciousness, I ask myself what would Veronica do?

So before we go any further, let me introduce you to my alter ego Veronica Noir…

Veronica is everything I’m not but wish I could be – fearless, slutty and independently wealthy with a hankering for day drinking, younger men and eating chocolate for breakfast.

At first I used to hide behind my alter ego whenever I wanted to write bitchy tarot readings or blog posts about dicks, but pretty soon Veronica went from part-time nom de plume to full fledged alter ego status.

An alter ego is basically a fearless, naughtier version of yourself! Tapping into your alter ego gives you permission to kick back, explore, play and make mistakes – which is exactly the kind of attitude that helps unlock your intuition and heighten your Tarot reading abilities.

In order to be a great Tarot reader you need to know how to let go, relax, shift gears. Stepping into your alter ego self helps you do this. Think of it as a relaxation tool, but way cooler.

Your Turn!

The good news is you don’t need to create an alter ego because your alter ego already exists inside of you. You just need to uncover it.

So pour yourself a drinky poo and ask yourself this:

1. Who would you be and what would you do if there were no rules or consequences?

For example, if sleeping around and copious day drinking didn’t result in chaos and problems (for me), I’d probably do it! Therefore, Veronica does it… All. Day. Long.

2. What are your guilty pleasures and true desires?

And don’t feel you have to get all weird and kinky here – just be honest with yourself. What do you really want?

The answers to these two questions make up the backbone of your alter ego. From there you can exaggerate and embellish to create a character, adding in little details like clothing style, hobbies, career, etc.

Practice!

Once you’ve got your alter ego all fleshed out, try drawing a couple Tarot cards for yourself. How would your alter ego read these cards? What would they say? Have fun with this. Use a notebook and pen if it helps you.

Test it out

During your next reading, if you find yourself stuck or nervous, try asking “how would my alter ego see these cards?”

I want to be clear: I’m not suggesting you go all drama student and start channeling your alter ego in a really over the top way. I’m just suggesting you allow your mind to become playful and elastic, letting go and seeing where it takes you!

So tell me…

Who is your alter ego and did this exercise help you limber up your Tarot reading muscles? Tell me all about it in the comments below 🙂

 

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3 Juicy-Fun Tarot Exercises for a Rainy Day!

I decided a month ago that I needed a break from The Internet (including Netflix). And I’ve been spending each day since meticulously planning my escape!

The internet can be a wonderful thing – a source of creativity, connection, learning, etc. But it can also be used for other things (things I would never do!) like stalking an ex, reading snark blogs, watching porn and immersing yourself in deliciously gossipy FB groups!

In other words, the Internet can be a massive distraction. And right now I long for quiet, emptiness and wide open space so that new ideas can float in. So I decided to take a two week break and use that time to do some soul searching, clean my kitchen cupboards and (hopefully!) get some inspiration for my next Tarot project.

Since I won’t have Netflix to fall back on for evening entertainment, I plan to cozy up to my Tarot deck each night. While I was searching my site for Tarot exercises, I found 3 that I’d completely forgotten about!

Be Your Own Life Coach…with Tarot!

This is a good one if you have a particular issue, question or problem that you’re working on. It’s a 9 step exercise so give yourself a bit of time for this one!

 

Decode Your Celebrity Obsessions with Tarot

If you love reading Star magazine in grocery store lineups, you’ll love this one. Who is your celebrity crush? Now, find out what this says about you…

 

What do you REALLY want?

Deep down you have a hidden desire and it drives your behavior and life decisions in all sorts of ways. This Tarot exercise helps you uncover that hidden desire…

 

 

I hope you have fun with these Tarot exercises and that they inspire you to engage with your Tarot cards more often! But what I really want to know iswhat’s the longest you’ve ever been away from the internet? And what was it like for you?

xoxo
Kate

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The Art of Conversation 101

My evil twin Veronica is back. And she’s been attending Christmas parties, drinking to excess, judging people, shit-talking others and flirting inappropriately. Who better to give you some good, old fashioned Tarot advice?

Universal Waite Tarot Deck (U.S. Games Inc)

The other day I attended a Christmas party where I was subjected to multiple people talking endlessly about themselves.

During one of these “conversations” I smiled and nodded with feigned interest as this lady told me a detailed story about the NYC bus schedule when she lived there three years ago. And then about her last vacation and everything she did every moment of every single day. She went on, and on and on….

I waited patiently for my reward for all this suffering – a chance to finally talk about ME! But sadly, this chance never came.

The “conversations” that followed weren’t much better. I heard all about peoples  “6 figure” incomes, real estate investments, vacation plans, babies, grandchildren and allergies.

And this got me thinking….

I seem to possess the superhuman power of awareness that although my life is fascinating to me, it’s not as fascinating to others. Thus, I do not drone on insufferably about the minutiae of my life.

And guess what else?

I ask people questions about themselves. I pretend to give a shit. Sometimes I actually DO give a shit.

But from here on out…NO MORE! I’ve tallied up all the hours spent listening to people wax on about themselves. According to my calculations, I’ve spent over 40,000 hours humoring others. That’s almost 5 years straight of nodding and smiling.

So for the next 5 years (at least) I’m going to attempt to correct this imbalance by talking endlessly about myself every chance I get! Cats I like, hot guys that go to my gym, dirty books I’m reading, teen dramas I’m binging on Netflix – all things I can easily drone on about at my next party! Fuck, I can’t wait!

But I want to know…who are you in this story? The gifted conversationalist or the self-obsessed blabbermouth? (Don’t worry…there’s  no judgement here. Ya right!)

Side note: People who boast about making “6 figures” need to fuck off already. And people who ask “are you making 6 figures yet?” need to fuck off twice as hard.

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F*ck those one-uppers!

Guess what? My evil twin Veronica is baaaaack! After a several month long “sabbatical” full of cocktails, weed, hot construction workers and hammock naps, she’s raring to get back in the saddle.

A classic one-upper! Six of Pentacles from the Druidcraft Tarot

The holiday season is upon us and it creates a lush environment for The One-Upper to thrive.

Whether it’s excessive gift-giving, over the top home made cookie tins or crafting illusions of extreme busyness, The One-Upper in your life is in their fucking element right now.

And if you usually wring your hands in despair at these expensive gift bearing sharks, listen up.

The best way to deal with The One-Upper is to take full advantage of them.

Enjoy their efforts. Thank them. Be sincere. But do not feel pressured to reciprocate or match the bizarre level of energy and enthusiasm of The One-Upper.

Sure, they’ll think you’re an asshole, but who cares?

You’ll both be getting what you need – they’ll get to reinforce their inner narrative that they’re the good one who tries extra hard and you’re the lazy fuck-up. And you’ll get to practice the zen art of being okay with others thinking you’re a grade A douche bag.

It frees you up!

And next year the bar will be lowered. They won’t have to try so hard to one-up you, serving store bought cookies and doling out $10 giftcards….

And the next year it will be even lower. Perhaps they won’t get you anything.

And WHAM! That’s when you buy them a massive gift basket or surprise them with a box of home made caramels and gold dusted truffles.

Let the instantaneous psychological breakdown commence!

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Are you keeping secrets? You should be!

Veronica Noir is my evil Tarot reading twin. Man-eater by night, day drinker by day, Tarot reader on Fridays. She’s hear to ejaculate some spice and deviousness into your life!

high priestess
Housewives Tarot

Secrets are the spice of life! I love them. Nothing spruces up a boring party than hearing a delicious secret…or revealing one of your own!

People who say things like “secrets are toxic” or “secrets ruin relationships” don’t know the art of juicy living.

But don’t fret about those basic peeps – leave them to their ham sandwiches and polyester shirts, because you’ve got thrills to give and a life to live!

This Summer is all about secrets – and you can’t have secrets if you just behave yourself all the time 😉

So get out there and do things that need to be hidden, things you wouldn’t want just anyone knowing about. Before you know it you’ll be a beacon of mystery, living a life of scintillating drama and bliss!

Please note: Veronica is taking the rest of the Summer off and will return in September with renewed snark and sass.

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What your underwear says about you…

Today my slutty, evil twin Veronica decided she didn’t want to draw a Tarot card. And why would she when she can read your fortune just by looking at your panties?

I don’t need my Tarot cards to read your fortune. I just need to take a look at your undies!

Did you know that your underwear is a 100% accurate predictor of your personality traits and deep psychological wounds?

It’s okay, most people don’t.

Take a look at your underpants. Here’s what they mean:

If your undies are…

A) Large, cotton and “meh” coloured.
Meh = white, off-white, cream, taupe or beige.

This means your practical, down to earth and know how to get things done. You’re not one to mince words and waste time. You also don’t give a flying f*ck what people thing of you. Congrats!

But there’s a dark side to you. You shun risk and excitement and avoid passion and adventure. You claim to love your stable and predictable life but part of you yearns to feel alive, to experience life in full color!

You can start by adding more color and texture to your undie drawer.

B) Old, worn out, shot elastic, holes, skidmarks and/or period stains.

You are loyal, committed and in it for the long haul. You aren’t one to quit a job just because it totally sucks or abandon your significant other just because they pile on the pounds. Which makes you a good person. Sort of.

Letting go is difficult for you. Your closets are stuffed with crap you no longer need or use. You hold onto jobs, relationships and situations for waaaay longer than you should. Let go already!

You can start by throwing your old panties in the garbage. NO, DON’T USE THEM FOR RAGS. GET RID OF THEM!

C) A lacy G-string, thong or some other weird contraption that is horridly uncomfortable.

You have no problems sacrificing your own personal comfort for a greater cause…even if that “cause” is no panty lines.

You’re one of those people who simply won’t admit when your uncomfortable. It’s not that you want to avoid complaining, it’s that you don’t sense discomfort as a problem, it’s just a normal way of life for you. Which is dark. So dark.

You put other people’s pleasure above your own – so much so that you have forgotten what actually pleases you. You need to pick that thong out of your crack and get back…get back your sense of self entitlement!

D) Fresh, pretty and sexy (in other words, none of the above choices).

You are a well adjusted human being. You enjoy pleasure and treating yourself to nice things. You also like to feel attractive, but not at the expense of your own comfort. You’re practical and smart but you don’t let that stop you from living on the wild side every now and then.

In other words, you can enjoy a martini Sunday (that’s when you drink martinis all day on a Sunday) and still show up for work on Monday looking spiffy! You can say NO to attending boring baby showers and YES to a last minute jaunt to Vegas. You eat melted Boursin on linguini but also enjoy kickboxing and indoor rock climbing.

Congratulations, you’re the least dysfunctional of the bunch!

So, I’m curious, which underpant category did you fall into??? Tell me in the comments below…

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Be Reckless Today!

veronica 2

Veronica is my evil, Tarot reading twin. When she’s not writing for this blog, she’s out boozing and cruising for sweet young things and tapping out smut on her laptop! Oh, and she doesn’t give two shits about spelling things correctly, so don’t go emailing her about how she shouldn’t start a sentence with “and” or “but”….

knight of pents

Crystal Visions Tarot

The Knight of Pentacles is an incredibly practical man. He thinks things through.

But he’s also a boring, constipated, stuffed shirt who has no idea how to enjoy himself or move forward with his life.

The message he brings you is this….

“How are you being overly cautious in your life?”

There is nothing wrong with taking your time to think things through.

But overly planning things and being extra careful only work if we’re talking about birth control. Otherwise, it just sucks the magic out of daily life!

And here’s the thing – you were born naturally spontaneous and trusting in life. But then jerkoffs like your parents and evil robot school teachers instilled doubt in you by saying stuff like “without math 12 you will go nowhere!” and “you need to start saving for retirement now if you want to retire by age 80.”

Suddenly the world is a terrifying and cruel place, designed to break you and cause you misery.

Now I got off on a tangent…but what I want to tell you is that’s crap – pure and simple. The world is full of wonderful things – just think how many shrimp cocktails, cute boys and kitten videos exist right now.

I know, right?!

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The Worst Kind of Person

Veronica Noir is my deeply disturbed, Tarot reading twin. She is here to spice up your life with her bad advice…

Osho Zen Tarot

You know what disturbs me more than anything?

More than fascism, more than ice cream cakes and even more than texting?

People who get up early…on purpose.

Do you ever notice how these people are always more productive, happy and successful than you?

They are also more annoying and unlikeable.

In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever met an early riser I didn’t clash with. They always seem to be hardworking, dependable and polite – the worst type of person!

So if you want to avoid turning into one of these assholes, start brushing up on your sleeping in skills!

The Art of the Sleep In (in 4 easy steps!)

  1. Stay up ridiculously late, doing something frivolous like watching make-up tutorials on YouTube or fapping to pics of hot guys with kittens.
  2. Consume vast quantities of drugs and alcohol. Martinis and weed work nicely for me. But if you’re “in recovery” or just not into the drugs and booze scene, make yourself a big mug of Sleepytime tea and hit that shit hard!
  3. Get your snack on. Cheese, chips, cookies, you name it. Eating late is hard on your liver because it overloads it with glucose right when it’s trying to rest. This creates a sluggish, lazy effect on your body which helps you sleep in later. You’re welcome!
  4. Don’t set an alarm. Alarms are for try-hards with careers and responsibilities. You’re cooler than that, right? RIGHT?

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2 steps to creating more “me time”

My evil twin Veronica is here to give you a Tarot reading. Only one card though, this bitch is busy….

Hezicos Tarot by Mary Griffin

Right now I’m obsessed with creating space.

I’ve been clearing clutter, chucking shit out and making more room for….empty space!

And I’m not just clearing physical clutter, I’m clearing time clutter.

You know what I mean.

What eats up most of your time? Is it your career, your family, your sexually insatiable boy toy? Checking email? Waxing your crack? Looking at your FUCKING PHONE?

Before you turf anything (or anyone!), consult my handy dandy checklist:

  1. How much pleasure does this bring me? (On a scale of 1-10)
  2. How necessary is it? (1-10)

Now it’s time to cross analyze. Things that scored highly in both areas clearly need to remain in your life. Things that scored 8 or higher on the necessary scale but low on the pleasure scale need to be reconsidered….

How necessary are they really?

And now your thinking but what does all this crap have to do with the Eight of Pentacles?

Clearing time clutter is hard work and not for the faint of heart. Refusing to help your child with his math homework so you can have more “me time” will be heart wrenching for you. Be strong!

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